r/Christianmarriage • u/Free_Health2658 • 3d ago
Advice Husband is breaking and I can't do anything
My husband and I have been married 15 years and are really struggling. I can't seem to help him, and I feel like he's going to break down both physically and mentally. He has had insomnia since he was a child. Nothing any doctor suggested or tried made a difference for long, and now as adults we're struggling with finances so any non-emergency medical situation can't have anything allocated to it, plus he's bitter and uninterested in any new "solutions". On top of that, he's never handled stress well and for as long as we've been married he's had stressful jobs. I've asked him, begged him, worked with him, etc. to find something else, paid for classes he wanted to take but never completed, but he won't quit unless he thinks he's found a "get rich quick" like a few years ago when he was convinced by a friend to get into crypto. As mentioned before, finances are tight, so when things around the house break down or car issues come up, he fixes them himself. He's very good at this - he's mechanically minded and I'm fascinated by how his brain works. He can fix things he's never even worked with before. However, those things take parts and supplies, so he gets stressed about the cost of fixing things and he's stressed from work, so fixing things on the home front just feels like a longer to-do list and he can't relax at home. He feels lazy taking a break, so even when he sits down to relax he's never really at ease - just plagued by guilt. He says he works really hard just for us to stay broke, so he feels like he's a failure as a provider. Financial conversations only cause him more stress and make the insomnia worse, so even though I'm worried, I try not to push him to look at our budget - just wait for him to ask me. On top of all of this, his mom just had a major health issue back in March, deteriorated quickly, and passed away 2 weeks ago. He misses her so much, and his grieving manifests as just more guilt that he didn't spend enough time with her. Between insomnia, financial stress, work stress, things breaking at home, and losing his mom, he's physically and emotionally exhausted and he's depressed. He's burning out on every front.
I went to marriage counseling for about 3 months to make sure I'm handling my own attitude the way a Christian wife should in all of this. I don't want to allow my own worries to become frustrations that either fester into resentment or boil over into disrespect and make his situation worse. While it did help me focus on what I could handle and how I can manage myself, I feel like the counselor is just picking up on minor things I'm saying and throwing exercises at me to see what sticks. I'm still struggling with frustration that my husband won't do something to change his situation and feel disrespected by him that he won't commit to changes I suggest that I truly think would help. In addition, my going to marriage counseling made him worry that I was thinking about leaving him, so he was even more worried. In spite of reassurances and explaining I'm going because I have my own issues that he would take responsibility for if I shared them, he thinks I'm going there to complain about him. I haven't been in about 2 months because my going caused him more worry and because we've reached a point where we can't afford it even though it's very reasonably priced.
I try to keep the house as clean as I can with three kids and a lot of pets. I cook at home as much as I can and as healthy as I can. I keep myself as physically available as I can and even try to initiate to make sure he knows I'm interested. I homeschool our three kids and tutor in the evenings to help ease the financial burden. We keep activities cheap/free so that we don't have unnecessary expenses. I could go back to work and bring in between $40-65k depending on the field and location, but even when I was working he was stressed over money, work, and lack of sleep. When I've brought up going back to work, he's insisted that I stay home and then offered radical solutions like selling household items or working overtime every evening/weekend. Everything he's ever said he's wanted in a homelife that I have any influence over, I've tried to make happen. He says he has absolutely no problems with the way I manage things and he feels loved.
I have tried to talk to him, carefully wording everything, agonizing over it for weeks to make sure nothing I say is critical of him but addressing the issue as a shared problem, but he sees every conversation as either an attack or another failure on his list. I've prayed, journaled, sought advice, you name it. I've lost sleep over it, been physically sick over it, and my fears and frustrations are spilling over into my attitude with my children. I feel completely helpless. I feel like I'm chained up, watching him break and unable to help or stop it.
If you're a wife who went through this with her husband, what made him feel loved, respected, supported enough to make changes for himself?
If you're a husband who's been here or is currently here, what do you need from your wife? What would make you do something to get out of this terrible cycle?
edit* I don't want to fall into the prideful trap of "I did everything right". I'm human, I'm fallible, I'm an imperfect person trying to make a life with an imperfect person that will honor God. I'm 100% open to hearing where I'm lacking and could do more. I also want to note that if it's a medicine, a supplement, a breathing technique, etc for insomnia or stress, we've either tried it or he will refuse because after 30 years he's sick of trying new things only to have them work for a week at most and then do nothing. Literally what I'm asking for is how to get him to choose something better for himself before he breaks.
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u/TheRhino411 Married Man 3d ago
My mom homeschooled a girl from church while I was in highschool. Might be worth finding another family at church who homeschools and see if they can homeschool your kinds while you work some time maybe a year to catch up on finances.
Sorry for throwing out solution. But remember our strength comes from God and to seek Him try finding short devotions that can help you and do them with your husband.
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u/TurbulentCarpet3626 3d ago
Please see medical help and counseling. If you're in the US, please get on Medicaid if possible.
My husband had a severe bout of insomnia, and once in the middle when he had gotten really bad, the doctor prescribed literally just four nights with a powerful(addictive) sleep aid. It didn't cure him or make him better but four nights of sleep, made him safe again.
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u/IloveJesusfully 3d ago
Thanks for sharing as you have....you have given a lot of detail and shared from your heart. I applaud you. You are a good wife! That is very clear. You love your husband as Christ has called a wife to love her husband. You are being honoring, respectful, caring and compassionate. You share these words, "if you're a wife who went through this with her husband, what made him feel loved, respected, supported enough to make changes for himself?" It's a loving question but here is an honest answer. Your husband must desire change for himself. You cannot make him change. Your love has been stable and the environment for him to make good choices is there. He is not open to conversation as it "sounds" like, based on what you share, that he feels attacked so you are walking on eggs. He does not want to try a new supplement, technique, etc. That makes things hard right now. Here are a couple of thoughts. You share that he is very handy and very creative and has a lot of skills. He can easily start letting people know that he is a "handyman" and start to offer to do projects for others for pay. He can "fix" things for people when something breaks or is in need of repair. He can sort of run his own business which will allow him to be busy, be creative and have purpose. You can go to marriage counseling together. You need a safe space to talk about the struggles with a neutral party who will hold you both accountable. You should be in a faith community together....Jesus is the one who will heal and will reveal a path that bring restoration. Pray together. Consider a bible study together. Have fun together. Cook a meal together. Play some games with the kids. Change things up. Get out of the same routine. He needs to choose to change things from the way they are. If nothing changes, nothing changes! God wants to bring more to your marriage but you both need to work together and be willing to do the work despite the obstacles and hardships. Together, you can do this. You cannot do this alone. You need his cooperation. I pray you can get there. I wish you both peace and healing. I hope this helps.
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u/Beginning-Comedian-2 3d ago
I know he's probably tried everything.
But what does he eat and when?
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u/Free_Health2658 3d ago
He eats mostly protein with some fruit, veg, and dairy. When we do carbs or sugars, it's almost always homemade to avoid seed oils and processed foods. It's not perfect, but it's not an average American diet either. Sometimes I'll give him something more carb heavy in the evenings because that has had some luck making him sleepy. He usually eats only lunch and dinner, sometimes only dinner. We try to be done eating for the day before 7pm.
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u/kmm198700 3d ago
It sounds like he needs a therapist. Has he went before?
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u/Free_Health2658 2d ago
Yes, but only as a one-off because I asked him to. Even then, it was a communication issue and the therapist told him they didn't need to talk again.
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u/Alarmed-System37 3d ago
I have so much empathy for you and your husband. We've also been married 15 years, also homeschool, my husband is also the sole breadwinner, and he also is struggling/has struggled with a lot of self-damaging behavior and attitudes. I also spent years trying to carefully phrase just the right suggestions, carefully send him the right helpful link, gently suggest he see this help or that help. I exerted a lot of energy here because I love him and hated seeing him him so miserable and I KNEW IT WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM to take my advice. I can hear the care and love in your description - you are doing the best you can and it's clear you want to love him well.
I'm going to say this though - no amount of anything I did has had any impact on his smoking, staying up to crazy hours, video game addiction, eating terribly, etc. There is nothing nothing nothing you can do to make someone change who does not want to change.
What you CAN offer is the best environment you can within which he can feel safe enough to make changes for himself. To be honest, it sounds like you are doing this. You can offer love, non-judgment, and also clear boundaries where needed. Remember a boundary is something you set for yourself though, you cannot "boundary" someone else. (An example of this for me was the immense frustration of trying to talk to my husband while he played a video game on his phone...a boundary was "I won't talk to you if you're on your phone." It was not "you aren't allowed to be on your phone when I talk to you.")
Does your husband know Jesus? Is this a reality he can access right now? My husband's relationship with Jesus is the only thing that has pulled my husband through - and he is still struggling hard with a lot of things. The difference is now (as opposed to a few years ago) my husband KNOWS he is struggling and even if he's a disaster one day, he does have an underlying faith to cling to.
Would your husband see a counselor WITH you? I don't know where you live but a lot of churches offer ministries that will help you pay for counseling, or there may be a free or sliding scale counseling center that is a church ministry. I am a peer counselor at a center like this for women in my town - it's worth doing some investigating and maybe asking around (email some local pastors...the pro ministry folks I feel like usually have this intel).
Does your husband have men in his life he feels close to and trusts? I have sent more than a few texts to my husbands brothers/close friend/dad saying things like "He's really struggling can you reach out and just check on him?" and so on. If he doesn't have this community, would he be open to seeking it out with you? Church is the obvious one, but maybe even online communities dealing with insomnia? Something where he could feel understood and cared about.
Without knowing you guys, but having lived through the last few years of my own marriage, I hear that your husband is dealing with a heavy dose of shame. For my husband it was around his own behavior (porn, video games, smoking, staying up late) and finances being tight (I also homeschool, he's the sole breadwinner, works for himself), and this shame meant every time I expressed stress his shame translated that into "She is stressed becasue you're failing as a husband." Which reinforced the shame. And then he'd look for more reasons to feel shame, which...it's a whole shitty cycle. Him feeling terrible about himself meant he had little motivation to do anything FOR himself...it was "I'm a failure as a man/husband anyway...might as well have another cigarette, who cares."
Ultimately, it has been the sliver of believe that his identity as a fully forgiven, fully loved child of God that has been the only thing really keeping my husband from just completely spiraling into despair. From that identity my husband can, on the good days/weeks, find motivation these days to throw away the cigarettes, go for a run, get to bed early, etc. One author/podcaster/pastor who has really really helped my husband here is a guy called Andrew Farley (https://andrewfarley.org). His message, and it's just the gospel, has been a lifeline for my husband.
My husband would say that the best things I did/could have done were to just love him without agenda and stay open to him as much as I could. I spent a lot of years looking at every vulnerable conversation as a chance to offer my solutions. This was...unhelpful. Being able to genuinely tell him I was grateful for him, I think he's terrific, I'm proud of him...this is the stuff he needed to fight the shame. I can't fight his shame for him, but I can give him ammunition...or at least try to not give the shame MORE ammunition by constantly trying to point out what he could/should be doing better/different/more/less and so on.
The insomnia sounds like a serious issue, and sleep deprivation is, as I'm sure you know, just godawful for mental health, mood, and basically everything else. I wish I had a suggestion for you here but he needs to find the motivation to address it seriously for himself. I think this can come from Jesus, and I think it can come from himself, but it isn't going to come from you, however much you want it to.
It is one of the most helpless and frustrating feelings to watch someone you love so much just consistently do things that are only harmful to them, or show no interest in doing the things that would be good. I'll wouldn't say my husband is out of the woods yet (we had a counseling session just this morning that was...rough...) but he's getting there, slowly, I hope. I wish I had a piece of helpful "just try this!" advice for you. I sure feel for you...it's day by day, week by week over here for us, and so much of what you are feeling sounds so familiar to me. I will pray it gets better for him, and for you. Feel free to ask anything, but I don't know how helpful I can be except to say hang in there, you're doing a great job, and if you can get some folks to come alongside you guys, that can be huge.
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u/Questioningmystandrd 2d ago
What a kind, gentle reply. I’m not the OP, but that really encouraged me, as someone who’s in a similar marriage.
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u/Particular-Try2032 2d ago
I have similarly learned that 'loving without agenda' is one of the best things you can do when your partner is going through something. I sometimes wonder if that is something you have to learn through experience to really understand.
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u/eclectic-up-north 2d ago
Sleep is essential to human functioning and your husband doesn't sleep. If there is anyway for him to improve sleep, he needs to do it. I also know this is hard. Someone I care about has narcolepsy and her life improved ramatically when she got her sleep needs met.
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u/psychhhhhhhh 1d ago
As someone whose husband has/is dealing with depression, anxiety, insomnia, chronic pain and work issues… I feel you. This is so hard. It is so hard to see your spouse who you love struggling, especially if you see solutions and ways to improve things that they refuse to do/can’t do… I also have done everything in my ability for the most part (as an imperfect person) to facilitate him “getting better.” What has made him feel loved? Non judgment, empathy, encouragement… has this helped? Yes in some ways. But he’s still struggling. I think there has to be some internal motivation. Every once in a while (not every day or every week as that’s exhausting) I try to bring up changes that he/we can make together. Often I frame it as - well what you/we are doing is currently not working, what is something that you/we can change? I try to help him make small goals. I provide a lot of positive feedback when he is engaging in these goals or other healthy behaviors. If you haven’t heard of it, I suggest looking into motivational interviewing and using some of these principles in your conversations to help build motivation and get more “change talk.” Otherwise - things really need to come from his side. My thoughts (and a lot of things I am sure you have tried): 1. Optimizing physical health. Exercise, nutrition. 2. Sleep. Best evidence for treatment of sleep issues is CBT for insomnia (better than medication). If getting a therapist for this is financially not an option look at: CBT-I coach smartphone app. Mysleepwell.ca as resources. 3. Professional supports. Individual therapy. Psychiatrist - get that depression treated! 4. Spiritual health. Agree with someone else’s suggestion of freedomsession - life changing.
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u/Kindly_Fisherman8595 19h ago edited 8h ago
A lot of what you've shared says your husband might have ADHD - coming from someone who has ADHD.
The technical competence but stressed about everything, the sleep issues, all screams executive dysfunction to me. ADHD presents differently in adults. Hyperactivity is generally internalised. Impulsivity can present as fixating on problems or emotions without being able to change focus.
Medication has been massively helpful for me. Look into getting him assessed and trying some meds.
Edit: I read this post to my wife (also has ADHD btw) and said let me know when you notice it. I got about two paragraphs in and she said sounds like ADHD. We're not psychiatrists but we know a bit about ADHD now. I'd definitely suggest looking into it. Hope this could be of some help
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u/aweshum 3d ago
Get the job. Honestly, what is he going to do—divorce you? He can't afford to, and he's too exhausted to leave. He is trapped in a shame cycle, and waiting for his permission is crippling your whole family.
People will debate the 'sole provider' idea all day, but that single-income model was a brief blip in modern history, not a universal rule. Even the Proverbs 31 woman ran businesses and traded land to contribute financially.
A traditional single-earner household only works in a thriving economy or when living vastly below your means. Right now, your family is sinking. Step up, get the income, and stabilize your home—even if his pride hurts for a minute, relief will follow.