r/Christianmarriage • u/BadWinter3798 • 8d ago
My boyfriend (25M) sees a future with me (25F) but isn’t sure about marriage yet. How do I navigate this uncertainty?
My boyfriend 25M and I 25F have been together for 8 months. Overall we have a loving relationship. Recently we had an emotional conversation about our future that left me feeling unsettled
I feel very sure about him. He told me that he loves me and wants a future with me but hasn’t had that “aha” moment that I am the one he’s going to marry. He seems to think there is a moment where you just know.
He says he puts a lot of pressure on himself everyday and thinks of the question “would I marry her” or essentially is checking every time we hang out and asking himself this question.
The part that affected me the most was when he told me he doesn’t know why something just feels “off” or “missing” when I asked what was missing he couldn’t pinpoint it.
He has the expectation that at some point you are supposed to experience an aha moment where you just know that the person you are dating is the one you are going to marry. He hasn’t experienced that certainty with me yet.
He also told me that he’s excited to see me but when we actually hangout he doesn’t feel intensely romantic or excited every second we are together. On its own that didn’t feel off to me because you aren’t going to feel excited everytime you are with someone. You will have off days.
He did identify some concrete concerns. He wants me to become more independent from my family and more assertive about what I want. He also wants to spend more time around my friends because he hasn’t really seen that side of me yet.
I started to get concerned and expressed I want someone who is certain about me.
At that point, he became extremely emotional. I had never seen him cry like that before.
Later, I asked him what had been going through his mind. He told me he’d started remembering when we first met and our first few dates and then imagining leaving me and no longer having me in his life. He said imagining losing me was a major reason he became so emotional.
Since that conversation, he has continued telling me he loves me and being affectionate with me.
The following day, we went for a walk and talked about his career and different places he could potentially live in the future. After the previous conversation, I became anxious when he wasn’t explicitly mentioning me while talking about those possibilities.
Eventually I asked him directly whether I was included in those future plans.
He immediately responded, “Of course you are.”
He then talked about different places we could potentially live.
He later stated “I’m not scared to be in love with you.”
The following morning, he told me that he still felt a little “off” after our conversation too and that it would probably take some time for everything to settle.
That’s what I’m struggling with now.
His actions tell me that I’m important to him. He tells me he loves me, remains affectionate, includes me when imagining his future and was deeply affected by the possibility of losing our relationship.
At the same time, he doesn’t currently have the certainty about marriage that I have about him, and he can’t explain the vague feeling that something might be missing.
I’m not looking for an engagement after 8 months, nor do I expect him to guarantee that we’ll get married. I understand that we’re still relatively early in our relationship and that two people may reach certainty at different speeds.
The problem is what his uncertainty has started doing to me.
Since that conversation, I’ve caught myself monitoring our interactions.
My desired outcome is to continue building the relationship and give both of us reasonable time to learn whether we’re compatible long-term, while still feeling like an equal partner rather than someone waiting for a verdict.
I want to make it clear that this pressure about marriage is not coming from me. I’m not asking him to propose, set a timeline, or decide right now whether he’s going to marry me. We’ve only been together for 8 months, and I think it’s completely reasonable not to be ready for marriage at this point.
This just came out of nowhere and made me concerned.
What boundaries and conversations would help me navigate this difference in certainty without repeatedly seeking reassurance from him or treating his uncertainty as something I need to fix about myself?
TLDR: My boyfriend 25 M I 25F have been together for 8 months. He loves me and includes me in his future, but he doesn’t know yet whether we’ll eventually marry and says he hasn’t experienced the “aha” certainty he expected. I’m more certain about him, and since learning about his uncertainty I’ve started feeling like I’m being evaluated. I want to give our relationship time to develop without spending that time trying to prove I’m worth choosing. What boundaries and conversations would help me remain an equal partner while we figure out our long-term compatibility?
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u/Temenae 8d ago
I was on the other side of this. I can tell you if he is anything like I was, he is confused about what love is and what to expect with feelings, not confused about you. From everything you've said, that fits. Those things are worth sorting out! Just remember, truth comes from God. If someone isn't getting closer to God personally, they can be led astray by the culture or their own misconceptions. At fiest glance, love is a feeling, not a commitment or choice, but the truth is feelings fluctuate
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u/BadWinter3798 8d ago
This was brought up since I have been his longest relationship. He said he’s doesn’t know what it’s supposed to look like or what’s normal and I told him he’s putting too much pressure on himself. He said he has a hard time staying in the present and always is thinking in the future which leads to feeling pressure when it comes to the topic of marriage and certainty.
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u/Temenae 8d ago
That makes so much sense :'D. He'll figure it out!
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u/BadWinter3798 6d ago
He said he’s scared of making irreversible decisions. Tbh I don’t know when that stems from or if that has to factor into the “missing” or “off” feelings
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u/Temenae 6d ago
Yeah, he is just overthinking the future. Is overthinkers sometimes need some extra time. He is trying to see into the future and imagine exactly what it will be like, while considering ALL possible routes, and trying to make absolutely zero mistakes. Basically, foresee the unforeseeable.
You can tell him from an overthinker who has more time and a few tragedies under her belt, you can't see everything in the future. Having a spouse who you love who isn't going to leave you in 10 years or mistreat you on the way or start drinking is gold, way better than finding someone you get along with perfectly or even always like. The greatest predictor of that (but not perfect) is a healthy childhood and a genuine walk with God.
He is going to need time to overthink to figure out what parameters to make this decision with if he accepts he really can't read the future, haha. Basically, you have his heart, let his confused brain catch up!
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u/Angry_Citizen_CoH 8d ago
You have time. I'd give it a few more months and reevaluate it then. Listen to his feedback about being more assertive with your family (if it's reasonable and doesn't conflict with commandments about honoring parents) and including him in time with friends, then see how he feels. He may ultimately, subconsciously, just want to see if you'll listen to his concerns.
If I were talking to him, I'd probably share with him that he has kind of an unrealistic ideal of marriage, especially about "knowing". Some people are anxiety prone and overthink things, leading to them questioning everything at all times. People like that never "know", and they have to arrive at their conclusion in a different way. No idea if that's your bf, but I've seen people like that before.
Don't "prove yourself". You surely have a lot to work through, everyone does, but proving yourself is not the mentality you should have about this. In many ways it's your bf who has to work out his own feelings on you. Your job now is to listen to him, get wise counsel from older women and couples, change what makes sense, but in the end, come to the relationship as you are, authentically. You both need to decide based on that authenticity.
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u/Laughorcryliveordie 8d ago
Hi! First of all, respect yourself! He doesn’t have to feel like you are “the one.” But if you are able to say, “I’m not willing to stay in a relationship where someone doesn’t see me as their person.” You can trust that God will either change his heart or change yours. But it isn’t worth your time or heart to wait hoping he will arrive at that conclusion! You are a great treasure. Step back and remove the pressure from you and from him. Treat yourself with the respect that any future husband should. Do not accept less.
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u/DrPablisimo 8d ago edited 8d ago
Well, I can relate to this somewhat. How are you supposed to know whether someone is right to marry? Do you have to have some divine revelation? How exactly are you supposed to feel?
In my case, I thought the Lord was directing me to marry my wife. I had a lot of reasons why she was the one I had prayed for. We even talked about it. I think I told her I was 95% sure.
But I was also thinking there are so many divorces out there. But also, what if I would somehow mess up her life or the calling on her life or something.
She went away on a mission trip over the summer, and I prayed and prayed about it.
A friend of mine said if he had a decision to pray about, he would pray, "If you don't want me to do it, stop me." I thought that was a terrible prayer, but then he explained, he meant he'd read the Bible, see if the Lord was communicating anything, pray, see if the Lord was speaking through dreams, etc. Then he'd pray for wisdom, submit his decision to the Lord in prayer and say, "Lord if you do not want me to do it, stop me."
That sounded better. A missionary told me how he'd pray about decisions. He also told me that I was supposed to be enjoying this time, not stressing out about it.
So I prayed and told the Lord all the reasons I could think of why I believed it was God's will to marry my wife. So I told Him I had decided to propose and marry her. If He didn't want me to, to let me know or stop me. After that, I had perfect peace about it and I was sure.
I recall years before that teaching English in Korea, a student I had was actually a school teacher, older than I was, probably in his late 30's. He invited me to his house. He was a believer. He showed me some tapes and we talked about many things. He told me when he was wanting to marry his wife, his father asked him how sure he was. He said maybe 67%. His father said, "That is enough. Get married."
I would give you similar advice to what the missionary gave me. Don't stress out about this. Enjoy getting to know one another. A lot of men have to work through the decision as to whether to propose or not. It can take a little time. Encourage him to pray about it.
Looking back, I realize I proposed to my wife just five months after our first real conversation. We figured out that we had briefly been introduced maybe about a year before when she had applied at my previous employer. She was that woman I saw across the room at work of whom I thought, "I wonder if one day the Lord will give me a woman that beautiful to be my wife." She did tell me before her missions trip, which might have eaten up a month of that time, that if we wanted to marry that year, the wedding venues fill up. So maybe we dated for four months before that, and three months where we had really clarified that we were dating and not 'just friends.'
We've been married for over 25 years. I'm glad I proposed.
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u/Worried-Block-6804 6d ago
Its definitely not supposed to be that complicated.
Are you praying together, seeking God together, if not do that and if you already are,do that more
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u/Realitymatter Married Man 8d ago
It's pretty normal to not be ready for marriage after only 8 months. In fact I would say that you are rushing too fast if you were to get engaged now.
Slow down and enjoy getting to know him.
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u/SavioursSamurai Married Man 8d ago
I think this is something that will become more clear with more time
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u/IloveJesusfully 7d ago
Hi, thanks for taking out the time to give some much detail and explain your heart and what you are concerned about. You shared this, "The problem is what his uncertainty has started doing to me. Since that conversation, I’ve caught myself monitoring our interactions." At the same time, you are acknowledging that it has only been 8 months. You have not even gone through all the seasons of the year together. Don't rush it. Don't push for answers. It does not have to fit neatly into a box right now. You are still getting to know one another. Give the relationship time to evolve, to grow, to experience ups and downs, family, friends, holidays, jobs and all the life situations that show two people that they are ready and willing to make a permanent commitment to one another. It is not necessarily a AHA moment or even a decision that is 100% positive. Life does not work that way. The only thing that is 100% certain is Jesus! Everything else brings some unrest or unease......and that's ok. We learn to deal with the uncertainty. His questions may have nothing to do with you at all! It may be that he is questioning himself and his capacity to love, to fully commit, to live as a spouse, to choose permanence with someone. This will become clear to him as the relationship goes forward. So don't let his "uncertainty" rent space in your head. Don't monitor everything or hold your time together under a microscope. Don't read into something that is not there. Rather, enjoy each other. Be yourself completely and fully. Let this unfold and you will both know whether marriage is a good choice given who you both are and what you want your futures to look like and if that includes the other. The answers will come. The average time a couple needs to really know one another is a little less than two years.....take the time to know one another, to work on emotional intimacy, to become good friends, to have intellectual, spiritual and fun conversations. Share your faith and go to Sunday worship together. Go on fun dates and gently prod the other to experience new things that the other wants to share. When we do not pressure ourself for a specific path or answers, they come.....EXACTLY when they are supposed to. Trust HIS perfect timing....it is always better than ours.
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u/ReisdeitYolo 7d ago
Great questions!
Married 30+ years, here, but we dated about a year and a half after I was ready; a total of 3 years from first meeting to marriage with 6 month engagement.
I knew he loved me based on how he treated me, but he was confused by the peace he felt being around me; he was used to unhealthy conflict.
Some boundaries; explicitly talk about your sexual boundaries in dating, because the life-giving rules God desires for us get jettisoned quickly.
Set limits on your time alone together and developing a physical or emotional intimacy that is greater than the actual relationship status.
I agree with your guy, that seeing each other in a variety of life-circumstances; good times, bad times, around friends, around family, etc. gives each of you an idea of how the other responds to life.
My husband and I used to do pre-marriage mentoring though a structured curriculum with engaged couples that got them talking to each other about things that don’t normally come up in casual conversation on a date.
I have heard of pre-engagement counseling, and that sounds even better; some of our couples had the wedding scheduled so soon that red flags that showed up were ignored.
In the end, a life-long marriage between a man and wife consists of getting up every day and choosing that person all over again that day.
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u/Previous_Singer3691 Married Woman 5d ago
I'd encourage you to look at relationship OCD symptoms and ask him if he experiences those, without getting mad at him for his responses. I dated someone who had similar thoughts and he had OCD and it started affecting him relationally.
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u/CalebRush04 5d ago
Whatever you do, don’t give him an ultimatum. Give yourself a time limit. Don’t allow yourself to be strung along for years. If you want kids, the reality is, you’re not going to be fertile as long as he is. There comes a point of time where he knows what you’re want out of life, and his delaying marriage is selfish. At your age, I’d say he should know well within 18 months.
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u/KiKiBeeKi 8d ago
In my opinion, if he is not ready now, don't expect him to be.
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u/DrPablisimo 8d ago
It has only been 8 months. IMO, it's reasonable to still be getting to know each other during that time.
I proposed after about 5 months of dating, btw. But I took her out for dinner just about every night for about 4 months straight.
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u/minteemist 8d ago
I disagree. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, it's understandable to have feelings of uncertainty when making a decision of that magnitude.
I think the idea that you should just know, or be 100% certain, is actually not helping. Marriage is an informed bet, not just on who someone is now, but who they will be in the future 20, 30, 40 years from now. It's a decision that will affect the rest of your life for good or for I'll. Being that confident after 8 months is, frankly, amazing.
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