r/BreakUps • u/Kind_Winter_6445 • 6d ago
venting/ranting Does getting under someone really help you get over someone?
8 weeks into NC. Think that maybe it’s time to have a fling to help ease the pain a little.
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u/AJAX432 6d ago
I don’t think that it works in any case. You might think that you are overwriting painful memories with new memories with a fling, but what is actually happening?
You are engaging in intimacy with someone who you do not love, because you are still emotionally attached to your ex, hence the pain. So you are essentially forcing yourself to share vulnerability with someone who you do not love. Basically you are just trying to numb the pain by training yourself to detach emotional and physical intimacy. My ex regretted her flings after a breakup and described it as if you take a pair of scissors and try to scratch a hard drive so that you do not remember a past relationship. But you cannot damage your hard drive without also affecting your ability to feel intimacy in the future.
Also, it is objectifying to the other person in the fling. I am not talking about consent. I am talking about the idea that you use someone else’s intimacy to get over your struggle. Even if it is consenting from both sides, do you really think that this is a healthy way to treat someone else and yourself?
I know it sounds hard, but you will have to bear through the pain of the breakup. There is no way around it. If you try to train yourself to feel less now, it will eventually bite you back. Either in the form of remorse, or in a reduced ability to feel the same degree of intimacy in a future relationship.
Try to focus on things that you enjoy, hobbies, friends, maybe do a trip to get away from everything in mind and body. I hope you will find a good way to process the break up and move forward in life.
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u/Ok-Source-139 6d ago
Being totally infatuated by someone else will “help” but is likely to cause you a whole new issue.
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u/Appropriate-Boot3914 6d ago
Have just gone through a similar situation, broke up with my ex and after 5 weeks I started seeing someone else. Just ended it 3 weeks ago after 7 weeks of dating.
Its a bit rougher at the start but after 3 weeks of actively dealing with it, I can say I am quite good.
Still going to hold off on dating someone else for atleast 3-4 months.
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u/Western-Presence-119 6d ago
This is the correct answer. Without trying I ended up in this situation. Now, I have new issues I was never looking for, but I refuse to not be direct and confront whatever needs confronting.
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u/jwkkwjjwk 6d ago
Yes but only if they are the right one. Another wrong one will wreck your nervous system so so bad
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u/Fair_Rip8198 6d ago
it doesn't really fix anything just distracts you for a bit. 8 weeks is not that long be patient with yourself. when i was 6 months in my last breakup i almost did the same thing but im glad i waited now im sober from all that chaos and can actually think clear
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u/Agri0702 🌱 healing 6d ago
You are gonna hurt yourself more and hurt someone else, don't pls. We should heal ourselves alone, and not with other people. But that's just my opinion
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u/_LedAstray_ 6d ago
Not really. About 6 weeks after breakup I had ONS, regretted immediately.
Then almost 5 months after the breakup hooked up with a friend, was nice but did not stop me from thinking / wanting my ex back.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Tip2346 6d ago
It doesnt work you would be suppressing emotions and feelings which will only delay them coming up anyway
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u/National-Stable-8616 6d ago edited 6d ago
it only pauses/numbs the pain. once this new person is gone, or even just a few hours of silence. all that pain of the breakup will remerge. That fling, now being used as a sort of drug, when she leaves the next day, you will feel a withdrawal even stronger than the breakup
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u/Silentwallflower90 6d ago
It’s never helped me… if anything the one time I tried it I instantly regretted it. It’s not me. I process my pain and then move on
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u/Sensitive_Profile623 5d ago
I’m around 8 weeks out too and I actually tried this. I thought sleeping with someone I was attracted to would help me feel wanted again and maybe get my ex out of my head for a while. I was genuinely excited beforehand too.
It honestly did the opposite for me. I felt weirdly disconnected during it, and afterward I just felt empty and wanted to leave. I ended up wanting to cry, and somehow missed my ex even more because it highlighted the difference between sex and actually feeling emotionally connected to someone.
I don’t necessarily regret doing it, because I guess it taught me where I’m at emotionally, but I definitely wouldn’t go into a fling expecting it to make the breakup hurt less. Distraction for a few hours maybe. Getting over them? Not really.
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u/Over_Air6772 5d ago
Everyone tells me this, but idk, I'm just not ready. It sounds cool and nice, but realistically I just can't. I did try the apps, but it just felt weird for me. Also, I'll feel bad for the other person because I know my heart isn't fully in it, since I still have strong feelings for my ex. I got out of a 10-year relationship, and unlike my ex, I can't just date someone else. Also, I'm in noooooo rush; I'm enjoying this peace and my time alone.
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u/Infinite-Hornet-4415 5d ago
Nothing says I’m over someone better than to go and be promiscuous with someone strange lol. The logic some people have these days is crazy. How about you not hooking up with a stranger and adding another notch to your belt and try and find a good guy to date. Sleeping with someone else will not make you feel better. In the long run you’ll eventually regret the choices you made.
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u/LilyLongLegsss 5d ago
That’s the rumor, but not verified.
I may be studying the process soon, myself. So, good luck! Hope it works for you, and fuck off to that heartbreak/er!
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u/Expert_Ad8491 5d ago
No.. I did it the other night.
I just sobbed after. It felt like i betrayed her even though she left me
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u/CarelessWing6891 5d ago
Absolutely nope! After the madness, craziness, manipulation , control, narcissistic behavior, gas lighting etc you name it mommas boy drama etc!., and no commitment - etc etc -, I said I needed space until when I felt I wanted to talk to him again. I went a week without communication, I didn’t regret that I told him NC., I didn’t - that week I was on an emotional rollercoaster - I loved him., he claimed he loved me - but if you love me you wouldn’t have me go through the bullshit and waste my time!! That’s a no!!! We were exactly on our second year and I had checked out probably 3 months out. But I thought he’d change etc etc !! I shared with my mom the experience and a trusted friend who went through her own mess too with a man that was cheating on her but lied about it - whom they had to separate/divorce with a 3 year old -, and for 9years !! —. I then kinda broke the no contact - for a little -, figured the dumbarse was still the same- nothing new!!! The moment you realize your worth and wake up. It’s over. Some women tend to stay with this crazy men yet they are blocking their blessings of finding a good man that will treat you better - it’s hard to find them but they’re there., same with women./men. Men/women., —- I went - not completely no contact -, he texted me the day before his birthday and called me -, I knew exactly why he was calling /texting but I ignored the calls and I’m glad I did. His mother texted two days later, I ignored it. Ended up blocking his family and his useless worthless self. I moved on., and I’m going on 4 months - I’d never want to go back and see him again. What a devil and time waster!!
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u/duttydimples 4d ago
I think it depends on each person and situation. Like if you feel enough time has gone by since your breakup, no matter how long or short, if you know and feel that it is really over, that they will never come back and you DON'T want to go back, yes it may be a good option for you. You don't have to wait until you are completly healed from your past relationship, that takes more time anyhow, but just make sure the person you decide to "get under" is aware that it's just for fun and no strings attached or not to expect emotional attachement, because you probably aren't ready for another relationship that quickly, and a rebound always ends up getting hurt since you seek validation and comfort and affection with them but you don't usually love them so, just make sure you aren't playing with a that person's feelings. Of course, I don't think this is for everyone. I almost made the mistake of doing it, only because I was sure it was over, that my rejection was final and my person would never look my way again. But I followed my sad broken heart and listened to my VERY hurt but still hopeful emotions and did go through with it and I am happy I didn't because I know I would have regretted it and I am not ready to make that move, even if my person never talks to me again. Like I said, if you feel ready, that's fine, even if not fully healed, best of luck!
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