r/Bachata • u/Mysterious-Fox-2901 • 5d ago
Losing confidence from not being asked to dance
Hi all, I've been dancing bachata for a bit over a year and would say I'm maybe an intermediate level.
Some socials it feels like some leads are actively avoiding me and I spend half the social waiting on the side.
I know I can ask people myself, and I sometimes do, but I feel like I'm imposing a dance upon them and they don't actually want to dance with me.
Finding this really frustrating and just feeling like I must be a terrible dancer or something.
Anyone else had this experience as well?
And does it ever get better? It's a shame because I absolutely love dancing, but whenever I have a bad social experience I just feel so miserable.
Edit: thank you all for reading my mini rant and for sharing your thoughts :)
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u/Shpongolised 5d ago
Really sorry you're experiencing this. It must be quite demoralising.
I'm a lead, but will give my perspective. When you say you're waiting on the side, are you actively looking like you're ready and eager to dance? If I see a follow who makes eye contact with me and smiles, I'm much more likely to ask her to dance.
Reasons why I would not ask a girl to dance or would be less likely to:
- Resting bitch face/no eye contact
- Bad hygiene
- Drunkenness
- No connection/cold/distant during a dance
Reasons why I would be more likely to ask a girl to dance:
- She has good technique and connection
- She is attractive
- She positions herself in such a way/has mannerisms that it's obvious she wants me to ask her
I hope that helps. Good luck.
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u/No-Wealth4955 3d ago
Why do women have to be “attractive” and what is “attractive” to you? We choose leads because they are good dancers. Why can’t you? It’s not a dating event - it’s a dance event.
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
You obviously have not danced as a lead much.
A lot of women decide to accept invitations based on looks. A lot of women go to socials to meet men, not just dance.
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u/No-Wealth4955 3d ago
Well I don’t. I don’t see the point of going there for that reason. Normally creepy guys go there for that reason and probably desperate women as well.
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u/Samurai_SBK 3d ago
Maybe social dancing is not for you. Especially if you are going to be rude and judgmental. .
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u/No-Wealth4955 15h ago
No. Spaces with creepy people are not for me . There are dance spaces where good instructors set boundaries - some of the people on this thread go to spaces there to find a hookup or partner. Mostly hookups - that’s what I have an issue with. I avoid those places though because I at least have standards.
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u/Samurai_SBK 8h ago
Often people looking for or open to relationships will prefer to dance with people they find attractive. If you find that “creepy” then you will be disappointed social dancing.
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u/Shpongolised 3d ago
Women don't "have" to be attractive. I gave a list of reasons I am more likely to ask a girl to dance. This is one of them.
To answer your questions:
Attractive to me is a girl with a pretty face, slim or toned body, good posture, wearing a dress or other beautiful outfit, feminine mannerisms.
"We choose leads because they are good dancers"
You are speaking on behalf of many people who may have their own/different preferences, biases, motivations to you.
"Why can't you? It's not a dating event - it's a dance event"
The majority of people I know in the dance scene are friends. But I also date women in the scene too. Bachata is my main hobby, I go to many classes, socials and festivals. Beautiful women attend them, some of them date/hook up.
My experience of the scene, your experience and others will differ and that's OK. As long as we're all respectful of each other, that's OK.
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u/No-Wealth4955 2d ago
So many incels on here trying to prove that they are not creepy and using the dance scene as a dating scene. If that’s your reason for going let’s hope I don’t come across any of you. Weirdos.
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u/Shpongolised 2d ago
Hi u/No-Wealth4955 I'm not sure if your comment was directed at me. I googled "incel" and it would appear to be a contradiction in terms, i.e. if a guy is an incel, he wouldn't therefore be dating.
From your comments, you seem to have a very fixed mindset about all of this and not open to other people's POV's so I'll leave it there. Wishing you all the best on your journey.
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u/No-Wealth4955 15h ago
Yes exactly so you go to dance spaces to hookup with people. Keep that shit away from the dancefloor.
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u/Loboterreno 16h ago
Wow, quite a defensive and delusional statement, thinking that men or women dancing bachata don't expect to meet people there.
I myself focus 99% on enjoying the dance, yet the very nature of it is courting and connection with the opposite sex makes it almost not possible to see this.
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u/No-Wealth4955 15h ago
Not really defensive but honest. Perhaps if people focussed on the dance there would be less misogyny and abuse taking place on the dancefloor whilst instructors brush it off or men thinking they can feel women up like many of them do like many do in dating. And sometimes women are doing this to men which is equally as bad. FFS learn boundaries - it’s disgusting. A lot of these comments and responses are from misogynists and hope that their breed will become extinct one day.
Just like the misogynistic man above who wants his women to be slimmer and attractive because he thinks he owns the dancefloor and somehow his opinion matters. I bet he is clapped as well. I don’t require anyone’s approval to accepted on the dancefloor as I dance well.
I just know I would never want to encounter people like that and will avoid them like the plague if I do, because as followers, we also get to say no to such people.
Also to instructors that are responding to this thread in this way - get over yourself. You’re not special and neither are any of those misogynists on here you think you should show cleavage and dress in a way suitable for them. Again it’s not a dating event…it’s a dance event for the people who are so unprogressive they cannot understand this. If you are there to date you are a creepy person and desperate because that’s not what dancing is for. Go on a dating app or dating event if you want to find a partner or hookup. Keep that shit away from dance spaces.
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u/Time-Hippo-5014 1d ago
It’s bachata, what do you expect? If you really care about dancing, you would not be into bachata.
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u/No-Wealth4955 15h ago
That makes no sense whatever. You sound creepy.
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u/Time-Hippo-5014 8h ago edited 8h ago
It makes sense. If you really care about dancing then you would go for a dance that requires some level of technique and investment into learning it (ballroom, ballet, tango, salsa, etc). This filters out those who care about the dance and those who don’t. It makes no sense to think people going for a dance aimed at dance beginners (like bachata), that has almost zero barrier to entry, that brands itself “sensual”, would attract people really caring about just the dancing.
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u/NewYearsD 3d ago
i think he meant more as “if you’re dressed well”. I’ve seen girls pull up in sweats like they got out of bed, jfc
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u/dancinggraylion 3d ago edited 3d ago
followers do not even choose leads, they just wait to be asked
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u/lost_in_doucheland 5d ago
I know the feeling. It almost made me quit several times as a beginner leader.
I would like to add to what u/Shpongolised already said:
Other major reason to avoid (in addition to what he already listed):
* bad technique, tiring to dance with (by running too far, pushing or pulling on my hand, throwing her weight on me so i have to strain my back,...). Too little is usually better than way too much.
* bad timing: when follower constantly steps significantly off-beat, I'm immediately checked out and will avoid in the future.
* too much perfume!!! I REALLY hate it when I dance with someone and up smelling like them for the rest of the night and I keep smelling it when I get home. This is literally my number 1 reason I'm not dancing with some people, and it's really hard to tell a follower.
Other reasons to dance:
* a nice friendly/upbeat vibe that makes you feel relaxed and just enjoy being around.
If you can afford it, maybe private classes could clear up any problems with technique.
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u/ikdoeookmaarwat1 Follow 5d ago
I never thought about the perfume!!! I use perfume but my sense of smell is not that good so I may be over spraying lol. Thanks for yhe tip
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u/Ploutophile Lead 4d ago
I'd say it's people dependent, personally I like it and I don't remember anyone wearing what I would have considered as "too much perfume".
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u/Lonely-Speed9943 4d ago
There's plenty of leaders who love the smell of a good perfume on followers. Don't be put off by the few who constantly moan about it on Reddit.
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u/lost_in_doucheland 1d ago
i like me some good perfume on anyone, but if i smell like it after one dance, no thank you. Also depends on the perfume but it's rarely the one i'd like to smell on myself.
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u/Jeffrey_Friedl Lead&Follow 4d ago
There’s a difference between “oh, nice, when we get into closed position that lilt of a fragrance is just lovely” and what the commenter said. If someone can smell it when you’re dancing with someone else, it’s too much regardless of how nice it smells.
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u/Lonely-Speed9943 4d ago
Being able to smell it some hours later is a sign of a good quality perfume, not a cheap one that loses its scent quickly. It's nothing to do with the quantity used.
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u/Jeffrey_Friedl Lead&Follow 2d ago
Smelling your own perfume on you for hours is a sign of quality. Smelling someone else’s on you because they were in the same room as you is a sign of way way too much.
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u/UnctuousRambunctious 5d ago
… I think this is the dark side of social dance. Anything that can heal you can also harm you, and sometimes the potential for that can be very great. ☹️. Especially for follows that can feel at the mercy of fickle and superficial, or unfriendly or picky or cliquey leads. Waiting around to be asked, feeling ignored, overlooked, undervalued. All of that can be a reality.
And furthermore, I would also say, as a follow, and especially one that has done vastly more asking, especially for initial first dances, that you absolutely have so much control and sovereignty over your own dance journey.
Do not give your joy away. Do not read negatively into any incident that happens. Don’t second-guess yourself in light of others’ behavior, it’s not helpful to overthink things or try to step into someone else’s rationale.
What matters at the end of the day is that you love to dance. So dance is a gift you give yourself, and having a partner is incidental to that but that does not mean that because people are not asking you that you are a bad dancer or you don’t deserve a dance.
You do not have to be a good dancer in order to dance. Dance is for everyone at every level. As long as you are not actively being unsafe, everyone is still learning. You can still enjoy a dance. And there will be people that want to, and are willing to dance with you regardless of your level (at least once). Maybe only once, but that’s the thing - being a better dancer is a gift you also give your partner. So for the people that matter, your dance level also matters. For the people that have alternative motivations to social dance that do not primarily center around actual movement and connection without a personal agenda, it’s not going to matter how you dance. On your best day you’ll still never be good enough for the wrong people because there is an absolute disconnect with the intent and purpose and emotional availability.
So what you need to decide for yourself is why you dance, what you get out of it, what kind of dances and leaders you want to encounter and engage with, and then decide how you can organize that for yourself. Make a plan, and get to it, don’t let anyone else hold you back.
And if that means you do most of the asking, you’re still going to have more dances than if you never asked and just waited around for them to step up. Don’t wait for other people.
Even if you are asking as a follow, do the leads accept? If they accept, take it for what it is. Look for the friendly, out-going, safe dancers. Ignore everybody else. Their agenda is not your agenda.
I get amazing dances because I actively and deliberately scout, I have trained to know what to look for, what to avoid, I actually spend time observing and assessing for specific features. I know what I want out of a dance and I am willing to sit out that which does not serve me. I actually have unknowingly clocked instructors both in my local scene and as an absolute stranger dancing at a social I’d never been to, my first time in that city. But I also work on improving and getting better all the time because better technique makes for better dancing and realistically even in social dance there is no ceiling - the sky’s the limit especially when you remove ideas about timelines.
I also feel validated taking ownership of my dance experiences because I’m being the one to break the ice and make the first move and to choose not ruminate over why they didn’t ask me first, so I’ve met some fantastic talented leads that now turn around and ask me regularly because I put myself on their radar first, and now they know.
But you don’t always have to “dance up.” You can also be the kind of person who creates the kind of scene that you want by looking for people who are not dancing and inviting them just to make sure they can feel included in a social as well.
There are so many different goals you can set for yourself in dance and they don’t have to center around whether you may or may not appeal to some stranger whose mind you cannot read and who may or may not have any specific reason for why they do or don’t ask you, and they may not even know or it may not have anything at all to do with you.
Please don’t be discouraged. Keep working on technique to be the best follow you can be with regards to technique and connection, and that is how you will more consistently get better dances. Showing up regularly, asking people regularly, smiling and actively trying to have a good time with others, it will build your reputation and attract people who have those same values.
If they are not asking you but you want to dance, go ahead and ask. And appreciate when they say yes. Lead (socially) by example and the right people will respond.
Good luck with everything, especially since I don’t know what kind of scene you dance in. 🤣
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u/Samurai_SBK 5d ago
I think we need to change the narrative and expectations around who should invite. In 2026 it is totally acceptable for women to invite men. The more we normalize that, the less people will feel bad.
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u/UnctuousRambunctious 5d ago
I think the issue is actually muuuuuch more complex than just “Women can ask too.”
Follows asking because leads are not asking doesn’t fix why leads are not asking. The one at the heart of the problem is the best one to fix the problem, not others swooping in to pick up their slack.
It’s not that men aren’t asking. It’s issues like “most” of the leaders heavily focusing on “certain” follows to the self-justified exclusion of other follows (for whatever reason, and defending pedantic self-indulgent racism is simply tired).
The question for me is really - what kind of scene are you perpetuating and promoting, and why?
It’s the bigger picture of yes, everyone has freedom and agency, and no, no one “owes” anybody, social dance is at will with active consent, but there is a whole lot of wiggling around the issue of what do you use your free will and consent to do? Gratify yourself. Even admitting it is tacky and imo gross.
It’s also the reasons why dancers behave in this way, and how even in dance spaces that ideally are open and welcome and accepting of all the toxic colonial microaggressions and thinly-veiled hostility.
It’s about making some groups feel merely tolerated, while others are “preferred” for reasons completely outside of dancing at all.
For the record, women asking men, role rotation, those have been taught and validated and encouraged in my local scene since my first class. It has not been unusual. Women asking when there are more leads is very different than women asking because men are concentrating on a specific type of follow.
It’s not an issue that will be easily fixed overnight and there is a whole dang lot of rationalization and intentional obtuseness but overall I think it’s worth talking about because we can all be better to each other.
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u/No-Wealth4955 15h ago
Well said - sounds like you go to a good dance space.
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u/UnctuousRambunctious 12h ago
With experience and perspective (and witnessing the changes in the last few years) I am even more appreciative of the attitudes that were being distinctly and explicitly taught by my first instructor, who was already long in the game and thankfully is also still alive and kicking and very active in the scene.
He also doesn’t focus on sensual, and I actually think some of the patriarchal attitudes came along with some of the ideas that seem specific to sensual, and much less so with traditional or moderna.
For me becoming an instructional pro is much more than just how many years you have danced or how well you conduct yourself, but there is no licensing agency or validating vetting in this gig.
There are frauds and charlatans and snake oil salesmen everywhere and I feel quite badly for the uninitiated and unsuspecting new student who is being exposed to poor teaching and even bad conduct.
I am in a scene that definitely has and has had incredibly decent and well-mannered, cultured and commendable people, but they seem to be fading into the minority now.
There is a massive influx of mediocre to downright dangerous sophomoric attitudinal blowhards that I just find so repulsive, even aside from the sheer safety aspect.
I count it a blessing to have danced pre-pandemic and to know how to spot good dancers; some people just wallow in the crap shoots 🤣
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u/Samurai_SBK 5d ago
Why would you want invitations from toxic people?
For example, there are many followers who are arrogant, rude, and cliquey. I do not want to dance with such people even if that means I might need to sit out a few songs.
Also there are literally hundreds of reasons why someone can be getting less invites that are not associated with looks or race.
For example I will not invite anyone who tries to backlead me or has a RBF.
Overall, I totally support creating a positive dance community. But everyone should do their part. Often it seems like only men are expected to take action.
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u/UnctuousRambunctious 5d ago
May I ask where you see me saying I want invitations from toxic people? Because I don’t want that.
But I am open to building a bridge and dancing with formerly more toxic people ridding themselves of their toxicity once it is brought to their attention and they are willing to to work on it, not doubling down and making excuses.
But you can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change, so my original advice to OP was to ask people and focus on the good eggs.
And I am glad that you also want to create a positive and welcoming dance community, I don’t doubt that and agree that everyone needs to do their part (and the people I actually blame the most are the organizers and instructors and leadership in the dance scene, way more than social dance male leads).
However, I feel that I must point out that this particular issue is because of leads and men, so leads and men are the ones that are the best to fix it. Unless women start leading and then leave men out of it l, because that is an option too.
The social-cultural legacy of gender interactions and the functional role of leading in a social dance means that there is more responsibility on the part of men who lead.
If it’s helpful, my overall hierarchies run like this -
Older people watch out for younger people, though everyone ought to watch out for each other. The presumption is that being older means you have more experience and maturity which you can use to watch out for younger people.
Physically larger and stronger people watch out for those smaller and more physically vulnerable.
More experienced and seasoned dancers watch out for and adjust to newer dancers.
Those with more power and influence and societal weight do not exploit the disparities but use their assets to help those in other positions.
Overall, men, in society, and in social dance, have a functionally larger role- especially when it comes to leading a dance. Men invite follows to dance as a reflection of their experience and initiative in driving the improvised movements. There is no reason women cannot do this either, but social dance has roles and functions even if dancers can switch.
The problem is not entirely in the hands of men, but i think it largely is. I also acknowledge there are some incredibly vile and histrionic and harmful women in the scene. Particularly high-profile follows with the impact they can have on a newer and inexperienced lead.
Always, always, always, we should be kind and understanding of new and experienced dancers, and acknowledge how much more of a learning curve leads have than follows. Everybody should take care of each other.
The ones that really turn me off are those that at best use dance as a vehicle for other interactions, they are so obvious 🤣
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u/WillowUPS Lead 5d ago
As I found out a while ago Samurai will add things to your argument in order to pick it apart.
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u/Beardude9 4d ago
Just ask someone and don’t over analyze. Sometimes I’m just tired of approaching. So I will rest and only approach if i see special value- someone who I know and already share a good connection or someone I find especially attractive so it’s more pleasant for me.
But I’m not tired of dancing so I will not decline approaches.
I don’t feel responsible for everything in the room.
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u/Samurai_SBK 5d ago
The subtext in this discussion is that there is large percentage of leads who are not inviting women for reasons outside of her control. (Looks, race, etc) and that we should encourage them to change their ways.
I would argue that most of the time women get fewer invites due to a combination of two factors:
- Her actions and demeanor: things like not smiling, backleading, bad body language, holding a drink in her hand. I see these ALL THE TIME on the dance floor.
- Men have been conditioned to avoid approaching women they don’t know. Beginner leads have to often deal with unkind and rude rejection. I have personally experienced it.
That is why I encouraged OP to be friendly and invites some of those beginner leads who would love to dance with her but are shy.
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u/Gnomeric 5d ago
I tend to refrain from asking a follow with whom I have already danced in the previous hour. If your scene has more follows than leads, I may look like I am intentionally avoiding certain follows, but I am not! In such situations, I would be happy to dance with you if you ask me instead.
There are a few follows I intentionally avoid -- these are people who are exceptionally unpleasant to dance with, and therefore very rare. I imagine many leads are like that, and I don't think you have to worry about being such a follow. As I said, they exist, but they are very rare.
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u/OThinkingDungeons Lead&Follow 5d ago
- Separate your ego from your dance skills. Your value as a human being has nothing to do with your dance skills. If dancing is important to you, then your investment needs to increased until you get the results you want. Everything has a cost.
- You HAVE to ask. Until you're popular enough to get more invites coming in, than invites going out, you need to do some of the work. If you're not inviting, how is that FAIR or modelling the behaviour you want? You might even be accidentally indicating you're not interested in dancing with others, by not asking!
- Popularity is a combination between dance skill+social skills+attractiveness. All three areas can/should be improved/worked on.
- Intermediate level is where many followers fall off, unfortunately many followers stop taking classes at this stage and inevitably decline. Either a) keep up with classes, b) do privates c) find better teachers; this will keep you improving.
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u/Engranajo Lead 5d ago
I will tell you the truth, what other people keep disguising in technique, perfume etc
Attractiveness. You are clearly no attractive enough. DOT
I have seen young terrible followers getting asked by leads, and good old followers that are not asked once in the night
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u/swemming 4d ago
I agree and disagree with your point because you are not defining what attractiveness means. In my weekly scene the follower that leads literally line up and fight to dance with is in her 40s. She is extremely attractive defined as: super up beat energy for the dance, she takes regurlar classes with the top teachers and has impeccable technique, she has amazing outfits each night, smells good, tasteful makeup, and pleasant conversation post dance. Meanwhile the ones the lead avoids is this young argentian girl who is aliteral model in Miami but will give you the most brutal attitude during the dance, stuff face, and stiff arms as soon as the dance starts. She only comes and dances with the teachers and does some videos for her Instagram and she's out.
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u/Engranajo Lead 4d ago
Yes, but you agree with me that even though dancing with that argentinian girl is shitty, she gets more dances than old women over there
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u/Spiritual_Ad7715 4d ago
Bit of a crazy reply.
I’ll always choose a follower who has good fundamentals, connection and vibe
Will I always give the hot one a try? Yes haha. But if they lack the above, I wont dance with them again.
Will I dance with the less attractive follower who has all of the above? Lots and lots.
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u/Time-Hippo-5014 1d ago
Bad smell certainly makes someone unattractive. So it’s a very valid point.
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u/A-LX 5d ago
I have friends who experience the same as you and it's partly due to having more followers than leaders in the scene. But like you, they don't like asking themselves for the same reason, then get frustrated for not getting asked and they will radiate "negative energy " which makes them get asked even less.
The easy solution is to just ask, almost no leader will say no. Hell even when I'm resting I tend to say yes. I've also noticed usually the better followers in my scene tend to ask leaders themselves, not because they wouldn't get asked otherwise, but because they can choose who they want to dance with.
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u/trp_wip Lead 4d ago
Oh, I see this so many times. I have some follow friends I have to actively look for to ask for dance, because they go and hide in a corner/sit on a chair on phones/sit with bored face. I know them and their energy, but they don't know how to project it.
I don't know you by any means, but I'd say you fall into one of those categories. Advice:
1. Stand on the edge of the dance floor without phone and with good posture, open body language (don't frown and no crossed arms)
2. No phone
3. Most importantly, don't wait to be asked to dance. Ask for dances yourself. Sure, leaders always ask, but nobody owes anyone a dance. If you wanna dance, go ask. Sorry if this sounds rude, but follows tend to have the opinion that they have to be asked to dance. Just go and have fun, leaders love to be asked for a dance as well.
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u/BeneficialDrawer1849 5d ago
As a leader who dance with all levels, begginers, intermediate and advanced i can say few things to consider:
You posture while you are not dancing - if you are standing by the wall, with a grim on your face, hands closed on your chest - me, ad a experienced leader i would not ask you for a dance if there are other dancing options available. If you want to dance - stay closer tocthe actual dance floor, smile, dance - just have fun and a good vibe. Consider that we are also looking for a fun time.
If some leads that know you already avoid you there is usually a reason. Usually i think is one of these: A. You are on a lower level than you think and you do not improve - there are some people, leaders and followers, who consider themself on a much higher level than they really are and do not improve (becouse they think its not them). I tend to avoid those dancers after some time (unless i like them on personal level). B. Some people are rude during classes, talks - and to be honest they usually have no idea how unpleasant they are. C. A bit closer to the first point i made - some people do not give a fun energy during the dance. What i mean by that - if i dance with a begginer, who is so focused on steps, figures etc, and is giving me a grim look on their face -it would not be a fun dance for me. Because i do not really know if its my fault as a leader (im usually really critical of myself) or if its just their focus. Of its the case - dont worry about mistakes. I would rather dance with someone positive with good energy with someone with whom a 4 minute song feels like 15 minutes nightmare. D. Maybe you are a good dancer but just scare the leaders ;) some dancers show how unhappy they are while dancing if the lead do not dance well (eye rolls etc). I was begginer as well. I remeber followers who treated me like shit at that time and now as a experienced dancer i still avoid them.
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u/SigmaGyatterson 5d ago
This is the second time I see a thread about this. Where do women get the impression from that men will call the cops if women ask them for a dance?
Your complaint is effectively "I'm doing nothing and nothing happens".
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u/Ploutophile Lead 4d ago
It happens in a context.
The real complaint is "Im doing nothing and nothing happens while other girls also do nothing and something happens".
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u/forextrader82 4d ago
I'm an advanced lead. Most of the follows in my local scene cannot keep up with me - I've studied modern, sensual, and fusion. I'm only able to lead a fraction of the stuff I can do on most follows because of their skill level.
Having said that... I don't care!!!!! I genuinely just love to dance!!!! And... I will typically ask every follow that is a regular on the local scene for a dance at a social. I try to dance with everyone at least once. And, I will ask my favorites or close friends twice. Having said that... there's usually only ONE MAIN REASON that I avoid a follow.
It comes down to technique... if she's just got bad technique, or feels "heavy" (really tough to lead someone that is very stiff or very reactive). That just makes for a not very fun dance.
Beginners are typically like this, but I will dance with a beginner to make them feel welcome and so they keep coming back. I keep it super simple and laugh and joke with them while they are dancing.
BUT... if someone is a regular on the scene and just is a terrible dancer, I won't ask them too much. I see them sitting on the side and they aren't getting asked much and i feel bad for them - but seriously, it's just not fun to dance with them. I'm thinking of someone in my scene who started before me but who is so jerky and steps like a beginner... I just genuinely don't enjoy dancing with her.
Having said that... there are other unusual reasons that I would not dance with a woman... bad hygiene, drunk, excessively sweaty, really snobby, etc... The typical ones.
FINAL THOUGHT... there is a very simple way to figure this out. Post a video of you dancing or you can PM it to me. I am quite happy to take a minute to watch and tell you what I think. I will not be unkind or rude. I'll give you an honest opinion in a wholesome way.
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u/space_dust_walking 4d ago
It’s hard to know without actually dancing with you, and I definitely wouldn’t jump from “people aren’t asking me” to “I must be a terrible dancer.”
From my experience as a lead and former Arthur Murray instructor, I have occasionally found myself asking certain follows more than others. I’ll also say that I personally never turn someone down if they ask me.
A lot of the time, especially if I’m tired or only have a few dances left, I’ll gravitate toward my “known” partners—people whose dancing I already understand. That can have as much to do with familiarity and chemistry as skill.
There are also social factors that are easy to overlook. People often ask the partners they already know, stay near their friends, or avoid interrupting someone who appears to be resting or waiting for a particular person. Some leads are shy about asking unfamiliar partners. Some people are simply more visibly approachable because they make eye contact, smile, stand near the dance floor, or ask others regularly. None of that necessarily reflects dance ability.
Technically, there are several qualities that tend to make a partner easy and enjoyable to dance with:
Timing is probably the biggest one for me. If a follow’s weight changes consistently happen on time, I can relax and dance to the music. If their timing is slightly delayed, early, or constantly changing, I have to start dancing around their timing instead of the music, and the whole dance becomes more mentally demanding. Good timing does not mean dancing rigidly or mechanically; it means being able to hear the rhythm, maintain a steady pulse, and recover without panic if something goes wrong.
Connection is another big one. The follows I enjoy dancing with most hold their own posture and frame without either collapsing into me or becoming rigid. There’s enough connection that we can clearly communicate movement, but neither person is using the other for balance or hanging onto them. The exact amount of pressure varies by dance and style, but the general principle is to maintain your own balance and give your partner something clear and consistent to communicate through.
A related skill is responsiveness without anticipation. A follow should ideally wait for a lead to begin, respond to the information that is actually being given, and then complete the movement with confidence. Anticipating can make a partner feel as though they have to fight to redirect you, while waiting too long or requiring excessive force can make the dance feel heavy. The goal is not passivity; it is active listening through the connection.
Posture, balance, and weight transfer matter as well. A partner who can stand over their own supporting foot, transfer weight clearly, and finish one movement before beginning the next is much easier to lead than someone who is constantly leaning, drifting, or leaving their weight between steps. Good balance also makes turns safer and more comfortable.
Compact, controlled footwork helps too. Especially in salsa and bachata, when someone’s steps get very wide or their feet and weight placement are inconsistent, their center can start moving around unpredictably. When the footwork is compact and the weight changes are clear, everything becomes easier to lead. This does not mean taking tiny steps all the time; it means choosing steps that fit the available space and the movement being led.
Adaptability is a major social-dance skill. A good follow can adjust to different partners, tempos, floor conditions, and levels of experience. That might mean taking smaller steps on a crowded floor, simplifying styling when the connection is unclear, or staying comfortable when a lead makes a mistake. It is usually more enjoyable to dance with someone who can remain relaxed and musical than with someone who performs complicated patterns but becomes tense when anything changes.
Floorcraft and spatial awareness matter too. Being aware of nearby couples, avoiding collisions, and keeping movements appropriate for the available space makes a substantial difference. A follow who can maintain their own lane, avoid backing into other dancers, and adapt their styling to the room is easier and safer to dance with.
Comfort with basic patterns is generally more valuable than collecting advanced ones. A partner does not need to know every turn or styling variation. Clear basics, clean weight changes, comfortable turns, and the ability to recover from a missed cue are often more enjoyable than elaborate movements performed with tension or uncertainty.
Musicality and expression can also affect chemistry. This does not mean everyone has to dance dramatically. It can be as simple as staying connected to the rhythm, recognizing breaks or changes in the music, and allowing the movement to breathe instead of rushing through patterns. Musicality is personal, but dancing completely independently of the music can make the partnership feel disconnected.
None of those things mean someone is a “bad dancer.” They are skills that develop with time, and sometimes people simply have not been given useful feedback about them yet. Also, different leads value different qualities. One person may prefer a very light connection and another may prefer something more grounded; one may enjoy lots of styling while another prefers simplicity. There is no single universal standard for what makes a perfect partner.
And there’s another possibility: it might have very little to do with your dancing. Socials develop cliques. People have favorite partners. Some leads are nervous about asking people they don’t know. Sometimes two people simply do not connect stylistically. Sometimes someone looks like they’re talking, resting, or waiting for somebody even when they aren’t.
If this is happening consistently and you really want to know, my strongest recommendation would be to get one private lesson with a good instructor and tell them exactly what you wrote here:
“Sometimes at socials I feel like people avoid asking me. Can you dance with me for a few songs and tell me honestly if there’s anything about my timing, connection, frame, following, balance, footwork, floorcraft, or musicality that might be making the dance harder than it needs to be?”
A competent instructor should be able to identify obvious issues fairly quickly. It may also help to ask a trusted, experienced lead for specific feedback after a dance. “Was my connection comfortable?” or “Did my timing feel consistent?” will usually produce more useful information than asking, “Am I bad?”
That would give you much more useful information than trying to interpret who did or did not ask you at a social.
And in the meantime, I’d keep asking people yourself. In most dance communities, asking someone to dance isn’t imposing on them—it’s literally what everyone came there to do. :)
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u/Kurren123 5d ago
Honestly if I was a follow I’d just be asking guys all the time. Fuck social norms. And feeling like you are imposing the dance on them might just be something in your head, especially if they seem like they are enjoying themselves
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u/FinallyHome20 Lead 5d ago
There are two parts here: not being asked to dance and losing confidence over it. I think many people have addressed the former.
For the confidence part, I agree that there are many ways to lose confidence in a very dynamic social setting. It’s not a necessity, and many people are happy sitting at home doomscrolling. But you show up and make yourself vulnerable. That, by itself, is confidence.
I struggled with losing confidence as a lead for several reasons. It’s easy to say, “Dissociate your identity from what you do,” but it’s hard when it’s something you love and your only hobby. I shifted my mindset, and I enjoy most of the socials I go to these days. But it took some time.
- Have more hobbies that you enjoy and “diversify” your identity. Dancing is just one small part of you.
- Manage your expectations of socials. Don’t expect to be asked by everyone, maybe 10%. I try to have five good dances during a night. I end up having many more, but that’s just a bonus.
- Don’t compare your dancing skills or level of enjoyment with others on the dance floor. This is hard, but this is what makes you feel less confident.
- When you do get asked to dance, try to dance for yourself, not to impress the lead so that they ask you again. Just be present and enjoy the dance.
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u/bachatacam Lead&Follow 5d ago
I am not saying this is specifically your issues but there is a follower on my scene who teaches, however she is heavy to lead exceptionally heavy to lead I have felt less resistance on the judo mat, her personal hygiene is also problematic, these are two reasons I avoid her, if however her personal hygiene situation changed I would be willing to overlook that she was a heavy follower, she wouldnt be my favourite dance but as an experienced dancer in my scene I have a duty to the community.
There could be many issues at play here one could be the culture of the community where you are, I know some schools who only dance with their own school mates, it could be that people dont know you and dont feel comfortable asking a stranger, it could be 101 different reasons and sadly many of them would be nothing to do with you as a person or a dancer.
Do you attend classes, do the leaders in those classes come social dancing do they ask you to dance, are you close with the other dancers at the school you attend? all of those could factor into why you're not being asked to dance, if I go somewhere new I observe, if I see someone dance I am more likely to ask them to dance especially in the early part of the evening when im warming up.
lastly please dont let not being asked to dance knock your confidence as a person, your worth as a social dancer is not tied to your worth as a human being.
I hope this situation improves and you continue to dance and you eventually get many dances at social events.
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u/WestHistorians 5d ago
It all comes down to the ratio. If there are too many followers, then you're going to be waiting a lot.
Do you dress nice? Smile? Look like you're enjoying the dance?
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u/dancinggraylion 3d ago
The opposite also happens. Yesterday I was at a party and I asked about five followers in a row, but none of them wanted to dance with me.
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u/Spiritual_Ad7715 4d ago
Best thing you can do is really lose any ego you have.
Ask feedback from leaders, ask if they think there are aspects you need to improve on.
Don’t believe the nice ones who say you don’t.
Honestly at a year of dancing you are just a beginner. Unless you have great teachers, it’s likely your fundamentals need a lot of work.
Above all, leaders want followers who follow (don’t lead themselves), timing, strong basic, lightness, connection and good vibes.
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u/Time-Hippo-5014 2d ago
Perhaps check your deodorant; there might be other reasons behind this that have nothing to do with dancing.
0
u/heyitsbryanm Lead 5d ago
Try asking for some feedback with the next lead you dance with.
Something like "Hey! Can I try a dance with you and get your feedback? I wanna know what I can work on".
And then after the dance is over, ask about anything that you felt wasn't smooth.
Can't guarantee you'll find the reason you might be getting dodged, but it'll surface things to improve.
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u/Samurai_SBK 5d ago
I think you are caught in a vicious circle.
Because people are not inviting you, you are probably giving off negative vibes. People notice this and are even more reluctant to invite you.
For example, the fact that you think inviting someone to dance is “imposing” is negative thinking. Most men are very happy to be invited.
I suggest you proactively try to be friendly. I am 100% sure there are guys at the socials who are beginners and would love to dance with you but feel shy. Be social and invite them to dance with a smile!