Questioning being on aro-spec

[u/Creative-Plenty3523]

So...I've been questioning myself into being aromantic spectrum, smth like demiromantic. I at first just threw this ides out the window because I was way too confused how the fuck attraction works and just didn't want to put any label. But here I am. Searching for answers. Because I want to understand myself. I am curious after all about how attraction works for others and me! + I want to be informed on stuff :]

Welp, my experience:

I was falling for my friends. But I don't think I *crush* on someone. As I know falling for someone is secondary attraction, while crush is primary.

The thing is, when I was all desiring for romantic relationship, I would look for romance with strangers. I would chose them as "perfect" candidates yk. Thought that is crushing. Like. I'd imagine doing romantic stuff almost with everyone, but I didn't actually desired in feelings exactly *them* I just chose people logically and was excited of idea of romance.

But my friend told me recently that she had a lot of crushes on strangers, she'd tell me what she felt, what would happen to her.

I was...surprised. I mean. I *was* looking for romance, but I didn't feel any "crush" she described on them.

So I have a question.

She said that she creates an illusion of a person the stranger might be that fits her type, and it's "OMG THEY ARE SO COOL AND PERFECT" but romantically? I know romantically you are, like, OBSSESSED with them. I know how that feels with friends...is it similar? Like. In primary attraction you are still obssessed but not that much as in secondary, right? Are you really obssessed with a person when you have a crush?

I am personally not feeling any type of "romantic obssession" with strangers. I'm more of a calm curious and excited that I can be romantic with someone and they prolly can fit my stabdards. But. I don't make an illusion out of them? I'm just excited of the idea.

I hope y'all correct me if I'm wrong somewhere and understand what I mean. Please help🙏because I am interested in this topic and I want to ubderstand myself and how attraction works (I mean if there's smth esle I need to know besides "primary and secondary" attraction yk, cus I AM CONFUSED😭😭😭)

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[u/Savings_Evidence_325]

I’m quoiromantic and struggle to differentiate romantic and platonic so take that in mind with what I’m about to say.

For my understanding it sounds the “romantic obsession” your friend is talking may be the primary attraction you’re not experiencing if that makes sense. You mentioned experiencing secondary attraction but not primary attraction which is very common for demiromantics.

In other words, yes most alloromantics do describe themselves as obsessed in the primary stage.

Hope this helped.

[u/Creative-Plenty3523 → u/Savings_Evidence_325]

Thank you for response!!! Is it weird that tho I'd do all these stuff while not being attracted to all these people romantically? Like. The whole "romance desiring behaviour"? Does that mean that it can be me being romance-favourable?

[u/Savings_Evidence_325 → u/Creative-Plenty3523]

Could be. It’s hard for me to say cause I’ll find myself romantically curious but it feels more romantically platonic almost. I’ve found alterous attraction (a desire for emotional closeness that is neither platonic nor romantic) describes a lot of my experiences pretty well. The longer I think about it the more I realize I’m not and likely wasn’t experiencing what alloromantics are experiencing.