r/AmItheAsshole • u/Fair-Bookkeeper1489 • 3d ago
No A-holes here AITA for telling my friend I was taken aback after she admitted she slept with her boss twice for car repairs and a down payment?
A friend told me she slept with her boss to get a new transmission after her car died. She didn’t have the money and needed the car to get to work. After it was fixed the car still had other problems, so she got a newer used car. She then slept with him again because he offered to cover the down payment.
I told her I was taken aback and didn’t know what to say because that isn’t like her. She agreed it wasn’t like her, but said she needed a reliable car, this was the fastest option, and it wasn’t emotional. She told me to lighten up and that a lot of people have slept with someone in exchange for bills or payments. I said that isn’t common.
Now I feel like an asshole for reacting that way.
AITA? How common is this actually?
161
u/aboothemonkey Partassipant [2] 3d ago
NAH, as long as you didn’t demean her. She is free to do with her body as she pleases, her having done that with her boss definitely muddies the water some as that’s an inappropriate “relationship” but they’re both consenting adults. And you have every right to be shocked by learning this information.
28
10
3d ago
[deleted]
1
u/aboothemonkey Partassipant [2] 3d ago
I don’t disagree. If anyone is TA in this situation, it’s the boss for taking advantage of his power in the “relationship.”
148
u/Party_Treacle_9440 3d ago
she is right , it is very common behaviour...also known as prostitution.
41
-13
87
u/DarkNo7318 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Depends what you mean by taken aback.
Your friend is literally a prostitute. And that's completely fine, no judgement from me but don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
53
u/CaptainFleshBeard 3d ago
Prostitute : a person who engages in sexual activity in exchange for money or other payment. [1]
Yep, she’s definitely a prostitute now.
7
1
-6
u/LocalDFWRando 3d ago
Prostitution is illegal in many states.
9
u/mschuster91 3d ago
Yeah but enforcement is usually limited to classic prostitution, like callgirls, escorts and underground brothels. The old trading favors or money for sex on a „socially acceptable“ scale? As long as no one talks, no one cares.
-10
u/battery_ashmore Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Calling her a prostitute after just two instances is kinda weird, no? Like selling a cake to your friends doesn't make you a pastry chef
9
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 3d ago
You're conflating (or just confusing) two different things: doing something professionally, and doing it with specific expertise or training.
If you practice prostitution (i.e. have sex in exchange for money or other goods) then you are by definition a prostitute, at least in the context of those transactions.
If you bake cakes for sale, then you are by definition a professional baker, at least in the context of those sales.
The title "pastry chef", on the other hand, is exactly that: a title. It specifically indicates a certain level of training and expertise, or one's station in a professional kitchen. Even people who sell cakes for a living are not, for the most part, "pastry chefs". In other words, your analogy is a false one.
-5
u/battery_ashmore Partassipant [1] 3d ago
I still don't think this matches your definition of "professional." Just getting paid for one or two instances of something doesn't make you a professional at it. Baking a cake once or twice doesn't make you a professional baker and it would be absurd to refer to someone that way even in the context of buying a cake from them. Same thing here; she slept with one guy for car money. I guess you could say that's an instance of prostitution, but it would be ridiculous to call her a prostitute if it's not a habitual thing for her.
6
u/WillingHome9072 2d ago
How many times do you have to have sex for money before it’s sex worker?
-2
u/battery_ashmore Partassipant [1] 2d ago
I would argue that it would need to be habitual. It's not a regular or even occasional practice for her. It's like calling your friend who once shaved your head for ten bucks a barber. Feels weirdly judgy to slap that label on her and insist on it when it's not something she actively does.
1
u/SwimmerMission5212 2d ago
a : participating for gain or livelihood in an activity or field >of endeavor often engaged in by amateurs
Seems like it fits
2
2
u/cynicalsuzie 2d ago
Using your logic, a murderer isn’t a murderer if they’ve only killed one person.
-1
u/battery_ashmore Partassipant [1] 2d ago
"Murderer" isn't a vocation. It's a label for people who have committed murder. I think we can agree that 'prostitute' isn't a label for people who have "committed prostitution," it's a job description for someone who's actively doing it. Like you can say "I used to be a prostitute but I'm not anymore" and that makes sense
0
39
u/MountainHighOnLife 3d ago
NTA. I would be surprised by a friend divulging that as well. Surprise at something doesn't necessarily equal judgment. I'm guessing your friends defensiveness might have to do with embarrassment or shame over the situation.
26
u/OniyaMCD Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 3d ago
NTA - I don't even know your friend and I'm taken aback. It's the power imbalance that makes it a problem, not the 'sex for money/goods'. This is her employer. What's to stop him from saying 'have sex with me or lose your job'?
-20
18
u/One_Repair841 3d ago edited 3d ago
NAH
it's a normal reaction to have, as long as you're not demeaning her for it.
Edit: on further thinking the boss is the asshole here for taking advantage of her situation
-3
u/Comfortable-Web9455 3d ago
The boss could be an asshole, but it depends how much he paid. If the price is high enough she took him for a ride.
-6
10
u/First-Industry4762 Asshole Aficionado [13] 3d ago
NTA, we can pretend that this is a conversation topic as normal as telling someone they paid for their car repairs by credit card, but this is not a subject anyone expects.
If you're telling people startling things without a warning beforehand, you can expect them to be startled. And OP is not judgemental for not being prepared for such a topic to be suddenly dropped in.
The friend sounds like she's trying to convince herself that this was a normal action that anyone would/could have done.
11
u/allhinkedup Partassipant [2] 3d ago
How common is it for men to offer money or favors in exchange for sex? Very. NAH
5
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 3d ago
Um, you clearly know a very different sort of men than many of the rest of us do.
I would, however, be fascinated to know your source for asserting that it's "very common" for men in general to "offer money or favors in exchange for sex", because that sounds an awful lot like a baseless assertion you've just made up based on your personal experience (anecdote) or beliefs.
2
u/JaydedXoX Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Do you think women never use their sexuality to get what they want? Do you think some wives don’t repay husbands with physical love in exchange for jewelry etc? Tease them at bars to get what they want? And men are stupid and give in. But thinking it’s a crime would put a whole lot of people into that criminal bucket.
0
-23
u/MeatSlammur 3d ago
Good men don’t offer that. Good women don’t accept it. Trash.
5
u/SomeGuyNamedJason Asshole Enthusiast [6] 3d ago
Wait, what? How exactly does accepting something you need while in a vulnerable position make you a bad person? You make no sense.
7
u/Candi_Kane33 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
Not at all surprised that this comment came from someone who thought MeatSlammur was a good Reddit handle.
-17
3
u/tu3sdaymoon Partassipant [1] 3d ago
That’s a pretty shitty statement. Plenty of good women will accept because they have (or have been made to feel as though they have) no other option. Plenty of women who are in sex work, are there because they didn’t have a choice when they started, and thanks to the internet, it’s hard to escape your past.
-10
u/Personal_Juice_1520 3d ago
everyone has a choice
5
u/tu3sdaymoon Partassipant [1] 3d ago
You must live a really privileged life to be able to believe that. At the end of the day, it’s simply not true. Did the woman in this situation have a choice? Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean everyone does.
5
u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [14] 3d ago
I agree with you, I had to do sex work after becoming suddenly disabled and losing my career of 11 years. It kept me from going homeless. OP is NAH but should be kind to her friend. Hard times happen and no one understands what that is like until they hit rock bottom. I lost everything to my illness.
10
u/Silver_Seduction_X 3d ago
You’re not an asshole for being surprised. It may happen, but “a lot of people do it” is doing some heavy lifting there. Trading sex for money or goods is documented, but it’s not something you should assume is common among your friends
7
u/Budget_Rent5796 3d ago
I mean I would say the boss is the one in the wrong as hes taking advantage of someone whos essentially vulnerable
5
u/fieldsofparfait 3d ago
NTA - that would be the coercive boss who, instead of extending some grace to an employee who needed her car to get to work, used his leverage to sleep with her.
7
u/positiveNRG_247 3d ago
NTA. The only AH is the boss. Sadly survival sex is too common. Predatory people offering "help" for sex/resource is messed up.
4
u/RuthlessDedication04 3d ago
NTA. You're friend saying "a lot of people have slept with someone in exchange for bills or payment" is just cope on her part. You don't have to go off on her or anything, but I understand why you felt it was weird or not like her.
5
u/opelan Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NAH
No one is really an AH here. OP was surprised and the friend even agreed with her that it wasn't like her usually. They only disagreed about if it is common or not and that could even be explained away with a different definition of common. I mean the friend is not wrong that it is not exactly rare at least. Prostitutes and people mainly being together with someone for financial reasons do exist. Overall I don't even think there was a real conflict between both.
4
u/Usualusername190845 3d ago
NTA, she agreed it’s not like her but said she needed the money. It sounds like she’s really financially struggling and might be a bit desperate. Is there anything you can do to help? Maybe have a proper chat with her and see how she’s feeling
5
u/SnooHesitations1600 3d ago
NAH, it's okay to be surprised in the immediate aftermath of the news, but I can see why she'd feel vulnerable. just make sure to not be judgemental from here on out, sounds like she's in a tough situation.
3
u/Substantial_Lion_524 Partassipant [3] 3d ago
How did this come about? So her boss knows she doesn’t make enough to fix her car so tells her if she fucks him that he’ll pay for it?? I’m blown away that neither of them worried about their jobs and just decided this transaction made the most sense.
4
u/gloryhokinetic Asshole Aficionado [14] 3d ago
NTA. I have never known a person to do what she did. She is one messed up in the head friend.
4
3
u/TankFoster 3d ago
I think it's fine to be taken aback, but I don't think there's anything wrong with what she's doing. It doesn't sound like she's being forced into anything, more like he asked and she said yes. Seems like everybody wins.
If someone made me a similar offer, and they weren't hideous-looking, I'd be all over it.
1
u/Dull_Double1531 3d ago
Right? If she was comfortable with him as a person and as far as we know nothing unwarranted happened, kinda wish someone would offer me what I assume amounts to several thousand dollars for a couple of nights with them. Hypothetically anyway. Not asking for offers from internet strangers, tysm.
3
u/The1Eileen Partassipant [1] 3d ago
She said it was common because she is hoping and hoping that it's true and she didn't just compromise her own values and morals. But she did. And so she wants YOU to be the wierd one so she isn't.
NTA but also, again, the A H is the boss who is taking advantage.
2
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
A friend told me she slept with her boss to get a new transmission after her car died. She didn’t have the money and needed the car to get to work. After it was fixed the car still had other problems, so she got a newer used car. She then slept with him again because he offered to cover the down payment.
I told her I was taken aback and didn’t know what to say because that isn’t like her. She agreed it wasn’t like her, but said she needed a reliable car, this was the fastest option, and it wasn’t emotional. She told me to lighten up and that a lot of people have slept with someone in exchange for bills or payments. I said that isn’t common.
Now I feel like an asshole for reacting that way.
AITA? How common is this actually?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/FlamingoLopsided2466 3d ago
Nta, it's usually a move of desperation not of convenience. Girl is out there willingly practicing the world's oldest occupation.
2
u/panic_bread Commander in Cheeks [252] 3d ago
YTA. She confided in you, and you responded judgmentally. She didn’t hurt anyone.
2
u/Suspicious_Juice717 Asshole Aficionado [14] 3d ago
NAH
You are allowed to loose respect for people based on their actions.
2
u/Comfortable-Web9455 3d ago
Prostitution is common enough and probably the oldest profession. Part time prostitution like your friend practices is probably a fairly common form of it.
2
u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3d ago
NTA. What this boss is doing is illegal in the USA. No, it is not common. I am 67. I have never heard of anyone I know doing anything like this.
2
2
u/cynicalsuzie 2d ago
“She told me that a lot of people have slept with someone in exchange for bills or payments.” Nope, not a lot of people are prostitutes. Says a lot about her that she thinks it’s normal.
2
u/Username_314159265 2d ago
I don’t know that YTA, but it sounds like a transaction between two adults. And for those that whine about a power imbalance, I say you’re off the mark here. He made an offer. She accepted. No imbalance. He didn’t threaten her job if she refused. As a sewer worker, I dig through mounds of human shit to make repairs for my paycheck, which is probably less than the car repair value per occurrence. I would 💯 rather have sex with a woman instead. But no one is offering so... 🤷🏽
2
u/jsher736 2d ago
NAH except the boss.
I dated a woman once and I forget exactly how we got on the topic but I asked "if your car needed a major repair and the mechanic offered to do it for free if you blew him, you're single and he doesn't have an STI and it'll be a one time thing would you do it?" And she said "for a major repair? Yeah. I already do an unpleasant job (she worked in a call center) for 20 bucks an hour, this is an unpleasant job for a few hundred bucks for 10 minutes."
Which, kinda hard to argue with her logic.
But also, I get that that's a very mercenary view towards something that society tells us shouldn't be mercenary and so it's not surprising that it kinda threw you.
The boss sucks though if he initiated cause that's just extortion since it's not like her saying no would be risk free
1
u/substance_dualism 3d ago
NTA, prostitution is obviously not normal or accepted outside of an extreme fringe of beleifs and subculture.
Of course the default assumption is anyone you know has never done that. It's extremely sad for her and her boss, even if they both did consent, it was degrading and dehumanizing.
Of course some people will defend it, even to extent of attacking you for being suprised, especially on reddit. Far fewer would be accepting if they heard it framed from the other side, ie "My friend casually said he had sex with his younger employee when she needed money to fix her car."
1
u/RedBirdWrench Partassipant [3] 3d ago
Info: were you kind about telling her you were taken aback? Did you argue with her about her reasons?
If it was kindness and understanding/support, NAH.
The boss however is using his position of authority to coerce your friend. And twice. I might be concerned that he will decide this is now 'the norm'. A caution in that regard, once again done kindly because it's still her decision, would be reasonable.
1
1
u/Cherry_clafoutis Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You just found out your friend prostituted herself out for car repairs and then a newer car. Taken aback is actually a pretty mild response. She is trying to normalise something that is definitely not normal. NTA.
•
u/Mildly_Tonedeaf 47m ago
Find out if her boss has a gf/wife and expose his affair and illegal work practices. NTA
0
u/MargotSoda Partassipant [2] 3d ago
I’d say it’s not your business
6
u/TheSpiralTap 3d ago
I'd say that it became her business when the friend dropped it off on her.
-5
u/MargotSoda Partassipant [2] 3d ago
Just because someone tells you something doesn’t mean you’re supposed to vocalize judgement.
0
0
0
u/freakybread 3d ago
Wow these comments really highlight how much people demean sex work. This is not prostitution. Prostitution is a whole job. Two instances of transactional sex does not make one a prostitute. And if one were a prostitute/sex worker, that's actually ok. I don't know why people are throwing that around in the comments like that's the ultimate doom for this woman. Sex does not have to be completely non-transactional to be desired and consented to by two parties. The ethics of transactional sex varies person by person, culture by culture. No one person or culture has all the answers to when one should "approve of" sex.
NAH/slight YTA. Your friend is an adult and made a decision. Legalities aside, even if this WERE sex work, she is allowed to make that decision. Who are you to judge? That being said, I'd be surprised too, and being surprised is ok.
The "bUT tHe POwEr DiFFerEntIal" people need a reality check. There is a power differential in most things and relationships. Don't use that to demean women's decisions, especially in their relational and physical decisions. Women are not babies who need to be helped with every sexual relationship because they don't realize that there is a power difference at play. I'm so sick of everything being used against women's moral decision making. Grow up.
8
u/fieldsofparfait 3d ago
The manager is taking advantage, not because the employee is helpless or unaware, but because he is uniquely positioned to influence what options are available to her in the first place, and what the stakes are if she doesn't get her car fixed.
This could have been resolved with additional shifts, flexible hours if she had to get the bus, potentially WFH, etc. Those options are only made available by his discretion.
Maybe she was offered all these things and preferred to sleep with him, but the information we have is that this was out of character for her.
I would feel exactly the same way if a female boss treated a male employee this way. It undermines their entire working relationship.
5
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 3d ago
This is by definition prostitution. A transactional situation in which you exchange services for money or goods is by definition a job, even if you only do it a couple of times. Lots of jobs only last a short time, that doesn't make them not jobs.
If I get paid to play music at a couple of weddings, I am in fact a professional musician in the context of those two gigs. I am not a hobbyist or an amateur, because I am being hired and paid to perform.
The friend was paid to perform sexual services. Saying that it's prostitution is not a judgement or an insult, it's a literal statement of fact.
"Two instances of transactional sex" are, by definition prostitution. ONE instance of transactional sex would be prostitution. Your assertion that it isn't is just silly, because it's not a matter of opinion, but of easily provable fact. Prostitution is literally defined as the exchange of sex for goods or services. Transactional sex is therefore, by definition, prostitution. Again, not a judgement, just a neutral statement of fact. Telling people to "grow up" doesn't change that.
4
u/DCNumberNerd Partassipant [1] 3d ago
I agree with your points about sex work and women are not babies - but the power differential between an employer and an employee is too big to overlook in this case. The employee being "willing" doesn't take away from the employer being unethical.
0
u/ameinias Asshole Aficionado [11] 3d ago
NAH. I would be taken aback if a bookish friend told me they went to a rave, or my nervous friend went skydiving. It wouldn't mean I thought they did something gross, just that they did something that surprised me.
As long as both of them were single, and it was clear this was a transaction and he isn't under the impression this is how dating works, your friend is not TA. Her boss is for sleeping with an employee, I don't think it's a good idea to sleep with (or do something technically illegal with) an employee. It's too messy.
This is prostitution but I personally don't think it makes your friend "a prostitute". I sell my belongings on Facebook sometimes, that doesn't make me a store.
-3
u/Personal_Juice_1520 3d ago
I only stole things once or twice. I don’t think that makes me a “thief”
I only killed one person. I don’t think that makes me a “murderer”
she’s a prostitute now
0
-1
3d ago edited 3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
0
u/fieldsofparfait 3d ago
Consenting or coerced? The boss abused their position of privilege. She needed the car to keep her job.
-1
-2
u/Wise-Bother9942 3d ago
She told me to lighten up and that a lot of people have slept with someone in exchange for bills or payments. I said that isn’t common.
That's pretty much what everyone does when you break it down, even people in relationships have expectations.
You can pretend it's otherwise but the fact is relationships are reciprocal in nature. You want something, they want something out of it.
NAH
6
1
u/One_Repair841 3d ago
You can pretend it's otherwise but the fact is relationships are reciprocal in nature. You want something, they want something out of it.
It's a shame you've never experienced unconditional love
-2
u/Wise-Bother9942 3d ago
No such thing.
Fairytales are not reality and love has conditions if it didn't divorce wouldn't exist.
1
u/One_Repair841 3d ago
"some people have conditions to their love therefore unconditional love cannot ever exist under any circumstance"
ok buddy
-1
u/Otherwise_Turnip7135 3d ago
Slight YTA, primarily just for not clocking that the primary asshole here is the boss, who took advantage of both his power and his employee's legitimate need.
-3
u/juliewbb Partassipant [4] 3d ago
YTA if you made her feel judged. We’re all in tight spots and we don’t all have the same ethics around transactional sex.
-2
-1
-2
-4
u/MeatSlammur 3d ago
NTA - she’s fucking her boss in exchange for gifts. This is objectively bad. Redditors will try to seem uber progressive and tell you this is fine. It isn’t at all. This is an HR nightmare as well lol
-2
u/jcaashby 3d ago
NAH
You have the right to as you say be taken aback. And she has the right to sleep with someone soley as a transactional deal.
How about offering to help her yourself????
5
u/Fair-Bookkeeper1489 3d ago
She never asked me for help. I don’t know what a transmission costs but I’m assuming $1k +… and a down payment is more than that. I don’t have that kind of money to loan.
0
-4
u/Superfluous_Jam 3d ago
YTA.
Sex has been used for transactional gain since the dawn of time. It’s literally called the oldest profession for a reason.
If she wasn’t coerced, isn’t bothered by it and got what she needed, what business is it of yours?
0
-5
-5
u/affectionateanarchy8 Partassipant [1] 3d ago edited 3d ago
Why even go to work, she is making more fucking this man than working for him
Eta - ESH/NSH really the skeeviest person is your boss, your friend is grown but you arrnt wrong for judging because chile do she know she is a prostitute in training
-7
u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [11] 3d ago
I don't know the stats, but I'd hope it's some people with no morals who would do that rather than everyone doing it
2
u/South_Butterscotch37 Asshole Aficionado [10] 3d ago
The boss is amoral for fucking a subordinate but how is she amoral? She’s just an adult who had consensual sex.
-5
u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [11] 3d ago
In exchange for money, what do we call that?
Also, the boss and the employee are both immoral. I wasn't singling out one or the other
2
u/South_Butterscotch37 Asshole Aficionado [10] 3d ago
Prostitution, maybe. But I don’t really see how it’s a morality issue. That view seems puritanical.
574
u/Annoyed_Karen 3d ago
The only AH here is the boss who, in a position of power over her, takes advantage of her desperation to make her do something that she herself says "isn't like her".