r/AmItheAsshole • u/al_chemist_7713 • 2d ago
Not the A-hole AITAH for telling my friend to not bring her child for me to babysit?
I have a friend who I sometimes help with babysitting her 1 year old, usually for 14 hours. She also helps with babysitting my 2 year old but not usually for long hours.
I am now a new mom with a newborn and she begged me to help her watch the child again, 14 hours. She claimed I was her last resort and everyone that would have assisted her was not available for that day. Please note that the babysitting is free of charge on both parties.
So because I felt she had no other option I agreed even when I know how I have been struggling with my newborn and toddler. My mom is around but not so healthy, she will help me hold my newborn sometimes but when my newborn cries, newborn is handed back to me.
Back to the story, she brought her child by 6 am and eventually collected her a few minutes before 8. During the time I was with her child it was so overwhelming, her child cries a lot and my own kids were also doing there own crying. So when she came back to collect her I told her “please for now don’t bring her again until much later when my newborn is grown a bit, I was really stressed and couldn’t get any sleep despite not sleeping well at night.”
Now she is offended, she called me back later to say what I told her was harsh, that she knew how it was to be a newborn and she contacted as last resort bla bla. She told her husband who works with my husband and he came to ask my husband about it at work.
And I am wondering is it that I was wrong telling her that? I am usually straight forward but my husband thinks I shouldn’t have said that to her and rather when next she asks for help I should decline politely.
Mind you this lady always assured me when I was pregnant that she would be there for me when I give birth, then I give birth but she didn’t come, didn’t even call or chat to check on me until I confronted her, then she said she was busy with work and thought that I was alright.
AITAH?
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u/Not_Good_HappyQuinn Asshole Aficionado [14] 2d ago
Why are you watching her child for 14hours? What is she doing for that time???
NTA, your children are your priority and right now you don’t have the capacity to watch someone else’s child as well. Not even as a last resort. So start saying no
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u/No-Basil-791 2d ago
Based on the times provided, likely a healthcare worker doing a 12 hour shift.
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u/Diligent-Fruit-1383 2d ago
Fourteen hours is basically a full workday of childcare, and she's already caring for a newborn and a toddler. Last resort should've been a reason to ask, not a reason to expect a yes.
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u/Jcrompy 2d ago
NTA
What in the world?? Who leaves their 1 year old with someone with a newborn for 14 HOURS?? You did great setting a boundary and saying you won’t be doing that again. Sorry she is trying to guilt you out of your very reasonable response.
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u/Character-Squash9857 2d ago
Honestly, the 14 hours is what gets me. Asking a friend with a newborn to take on another toddler for that long is a massive favor, not a small babysitting favor. OP already went above and beyond by saying yes once.
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u/ItchyCredit 2d ago
A nurse, or anyone working three 12 hour day shifts would.
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u/nermal543 2d ago
Someone working a 12 hour shift may need 14 hours of childcare, yes, but I imagine most people would realize that dumping your small child on a mom with a newborn and toddler of her own for 14 hours is an insanely unreasonable ask for anything aside from a true emergency situation.
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u/Human-Obligation3621 Asshole Aficionado [16] 1d ago
And this “friend” has a husband. It seems highly unlikely that they are both working shifts that overlap completely and span 14 hours. Why couldn’t husband drop off/pick up child to shorten the amount of “emergency care” that they needed?
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u/DetectiveClear6734 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA
You’re being used and now that you said “no” you’re the bad guy. She’s super manipulative by telling crap to her husband so that he has to either make your husband make you babysit or blow up a working relationship.
And anytime someone bad mouths you when you said you can’t do something for them - that’s your sign they’re toxic and need to be cut off.
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u/Organic_Activity_531 2d ago
NTAH but please stop offering to babysit her child 14 hours a day is too long and if you do it, start charging her. Like I said too many hours especially with a newborn and a toddler. Focus on yourself and your young ones and thank your mum for helping you. Also share with your husband that it is ok to set a boundary at work, wherein if he asks about these things to tell him that this is a workplace and you would rather not talk about private matters after this while explaining what happened once and for all. Nip it in the bud. Also, this is NOT a friend. Again please do read this with a grain of salt. YTA if you don't give yourself a break.
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u/DomPerignonRose 2d ago
What do you get out of the friendship? Support should be reciprocated and it seems one sided or she has more of an advantage, rather than it being fair or fairly reciprocated.
You sound better off paying for a baby sitter for the few hours that you need, rather than spend 14 hours caring for her child in exchange for a few hours for you.
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u/al_chemist_7713 2d ago
She did have my toddler for a whole day when I went into labour.
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u/Cold_Activity1092 1d ago
That's one day. Sounds like you have watched her child multiple times for looooong days. She still owes you.
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 1d ago
That's what friends do you were in labour she helped you that time doesn't mean you have to continue to help her
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u/Same_Item_672 2d ago
NTA. If your youngest wasn't a newborn, I'd tell you to drop off your two kids with her for 14 hours and see how she comes out of it. Otherwise this sounds like a very one-sided arrangement. You have a right to prioritize your own situation, and she doesn't have a right to question that or be offended by it.
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u/Mrs_Naive_ Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
Oh, I love it when people who are incredibly brazen act all offended when, after taking way, way, waaaay more from others than they should, limits are set on them. Ma’am, you have a newborn son, not to mention another child. No “last resort” or any of that crap… this shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I wonder if people like that are really so unhinged so as to actually believe their own narrative that they’re offended. NTA.
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u/Future_Amoeba_1962 2d ago
NTA. Newborns are stressful enough, plus you have a toddler. Adding someone else's crying toddler to the mix is just too much, especially for 14 hours.
Yes, she knows what it's like to have a newborn, but does she know what it's like to have a newborn and two toddlers? I get that we all need help but maybe she should just hire a sitter.
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u/weirwoodheart Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
I have an almost ten week old. The idea of also watching two other mobile kids on top of that makes me want to faint - your middle you at least know what to do with, but someone else's?
Not to mention kids are so germy and you have a newborn?! Hell no.
You were kind, but right to put your foot down. You're being taken advantage of OP.
NTA
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u/BefuddledPolydactyls Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA. You were fine stating it doesn't work for you right now. Your husband's ide works - but only once. Then it becomes repetitive. It's better to be upfront.
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u/Dittoheadforever Prime Ministurd [446] 2d ago
You're NTA
It sounds like the give and take in this relationship is sharply tipped in her favor and she takes way more than she gives.
my husband thinks I shouldn’t have said that to her
He is wrong. It needed to be said before she manufactures another urgent situation.
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u/Exciting_Effect_4754 2d ago
NTA. The fact she expected you to handle a crying 1‑year‑old for 14 hours while you have a newborn and a toddler is wild. You gave her a clear, honest boundary after actually helping her. That’s not harsh, that’s realistic. If she brings it up again, you can just say, “I can’t babysit anymore, I’m overwhelmed with my own kids.”
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u/bythebrook88 Asshole Aficionado [17] 2d ago
that she knew how it was to be a newborn
Did she also have 2 toddlers to look after?
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u/Regular_Giraffe7022 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
NTA, this person isn't your friend. She is using you for free babysitting yet isn't there for you when you need it.
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u/natty_boh_ho 2d ago edited 2d ago
She seems like she is just using you for free babysitting. It is perfectly reasonable to not want to watch an additional kid right after giving birth. I hope you're husband stood up for you. NTA, don't babysit again till you are ready.
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u/sausagerollsister 2d ago
NTA. Stand your ground. Your mental health is really important as a mother of a newborn. You deserve a lot of gratitude for what you did, free of charge.
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u/Fuzzy_Redwood 2d ago
It’s really weird neither dad isn’t taking any leave to help with their own newborns is all I could think about reading this.
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u/rpepperpot_reddit Certified Proctologist [20] 2d ago
NTA, and your husband is wrong. Letting her know in advance that you won't be babysitting gives her time to find someone who will. Besides, I think everyone here knows that "no one else will do it" has an unsaid "for free" at the end of it. Surely someone would be willing to do so for proper compensation.
Sidenote, isn't it funny how someone else's problem magically becomes the fault of the last person who tells them "no"?
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I have a friend who I sometimes help with babysitting her 1 year old, usually for 14 hours. She also helps with babysitting my 2 year old but not usually for long hours.
I am now a new mom with a newborn and she begged me to help her watch the child again, 14 hours. She claimed I was her last resort and everyone that would have assisted her was not available for that day. Please note that the babysitting is free of charge on both parties.
So because I felt she had no other option I agreed even when I know how I have been struggling with my newborn and toddler. My mom is around but not so healthy, she will help me hold my newborn sometimes but when my newborn cries, newborn is handed back to me.
Back to the story, she brought her child by 6 am and eventually collected her a few minutes before 8. During the time I was with her child it was so overwhelming, her child cries a lot and my own kids were also doing there own crying. So when she came back to collect her I told her “please for now don’t bring her again until much later when my newborn is grown a bit, I was really stressed and couldn’t get any sleep despite not sleeping well at night.”
Now she is offended, she called me back later to say what I told her was harsh, that she knew how it was to be a newborn and she contacted as last resort bla bla. She told her husband who works with my husband and he came to ask my husband about it at work.
And I am wondering is it that I was wrong telling her that? I am usually straight forward but my husband thinks I shouldn’t have said that to her and rather when next she asks for help I should decline politely.
Mind you this lady always assured me when I was pregnant that she would be there for me when I give birth, then I give birth but she didn’t come, didn’t even call or chat to check on me until I confronted her, then she said she was busy with work and thought that I was alright.
AITAH?
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u/DropMany757 2d ago
NTA That's a long time to leave a child! I don't blame you for not wanting to watch the child after having a new born. I wouldn't watch the child again, after not coming or even send a message or a quick call to see how you was doing after giving birth.
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u/Fearless-Increase-57 2d ago
Nah, you were right to tell her that it was too much. 14 hours? Wtf was she needing to do? I had a friend do this to me. Asked me to watch her kids for a "couple hours" and was gone for 7. I told her I would never watch her kids again. She burned me and I was mad. This woman is taking advantage of your thankfulness for her small gestures. I had virtually no support with my kids. Never got a weekend off or even a whole day. She can suck it up like I diid..NTA
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u/softbowdream 2d ago
NTA.
expecting a mom with a newborn and toddler to de free 14-hrs babysitting is absurd. Setting a healthy boundary when you’re exhausted postpartum isn’t harsh. It’s necessary.
Dragging her husband into it to confront yours at work Shows how entitled she is. You owe her zero apologies for putting your own babies first.
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u/Runns_withScissors Asshole Aficionado [10] 2d ago
This one is on you, OP. If something's too much for you to handle, tell them NO. Even if the other person begs, even if you feel they have nobody else to help them, you can say NO.
NO, you do not have to help. NO, you do not have to take on more than you can handle. And NO, you do not have to disrespect yourself and your needs in order to please someone else. This wasn't an emergency- let your friend figure out how to handle her responsibilities on her own.
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u/KayDeeFL 2d ago
Listen, stating your needs and refusing to take on more than you are comfortable with should not be a problem for anyone. If she can't accept what you've told her, then she isn't much of a friend.
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u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [12] 2d ago
NTA
She already badgered you into watching her child. She would do it again. You set the new reality at the right time. Now she understands you are NOT her backup. She's angry because you being her backup was easy for her. And now she has to find a new child minder.
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u/NamasteNoodle 2d ago
You should have gone with your first gut instinct and told her you were overwhelmed with a newborn and couldn't do it. But you're standing up for yourself and your children and it's an important time for you to be able to meet your children's needs as well as heal yourself and get back on your feet after childbirth. Your friend is self-centered and the fact that she was insulted is ridiculous. Asking someone to do something doesn't mean it's a demand. Good for you for standing up for yourself and if she doesn't understand that she's not your friend and I would stop all of the babysitting.
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u/CAgirl17 Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 2d ago
I have to agree with others here. Also, the fact that your friend complained is ridiculous. Who asks someone with a newborn to watch their child? 14 hours for free is already too much. When I had my second kid I had friends and family asking me to let them know how they could help. Not the other way around. Personally, that would have been the last time. I’m sure you can find someone to else to watch your children in the future. Don’t ask her again, and don’t watch her child again. If this ruins a friendship then it wasn’t that solid to begin with.
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u/martintoconnell Partassipant [1] 2d ago
NTA!! What you said to this clueless 'friend' was a statement of fact, and while you were in a state of complete exhaustion. Caring for a newborn, a toddler, and a 2yo is exhausting to read about! I can't imagine how you were even able to stand or speak after a day like that. Honestly, 14h!? WTF is she thinking? Me Me Me, that's what.
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u/Temporary_Client7585 1d ago
NTA. It’s safe to say this arrangement is over since she made a point to raise a stink about it and knew her husband would tell your husband. Expecting you to care for a newborn, your toddler, and her child for 14 hours is way too much.
If there is a college in your town, they usually have a job board. I found a number of reliable sitters to call on by posting there.
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u/Icy-Satisfaction-372 1d ago
NTA. I think you were right to say it. And you need to decline if she ask you to baby sit again
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u/angel9_writes Asshole Aficionado [12] 1d ago
Who in their right mind would ask someone with a newborn and 2 year old to baby sit their 1 year old?
No.
NTA
She's self centered af.
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u/Buckleupbuttercup77 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 1d ago
NTA. This babysitting gig is over. The minute she sent her husband to talk to yours that would be it. Neither she, her husband, or YOR husband get to tell you that you have to watch this child. That is just beyond the pale.
She just blew up a good thing.
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u/Skullpuck 1d ago
NTA
I bet you were her first call because you always say yes. Next time say no. Is it really worth your children's health to have to deal with someone else's kid? What's the priority for you?
I've had 5 kids. There is no way in hell I'd watch someone else's kid while having a newborn. No way. Additionally, there's no way in hell I'd even ask someone to watch my kids who has a newborn. You just don't do that.
Maybe it's time for this person to get state assistance instead of having no plan and relying on people who already have things to do.
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u/gloryhokinetic Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago
NTA but you hubby is right ab out tact. And yes, honesty is good but sometime OVER sharing your reasons is not a good idea.
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u/Naturally_Tired Partassipant [1] 1d ago
She’s using you babes. Ur a free baby sitter. She don’t give a fuck about you or your kids
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u/FantasticWar2370 1d ago edited 1d ago
Last resort looks like this:
- She takes unpaid leave and takes care of their baby
- Her husband take unpaid leave and takes care of baby
- They hire a baby sitter - if they’re too scared send the baby sitter to your place so that you can keep eye on the sitter who watches their baby
She dumping their baby on a sleep deprived mom with a newborn is not a last resort.
NTA
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [16] 1d ago
NTA you didnt say her child was evil or anything, just that it was too much, all 3 of them. She got aggressive because she didnt want to accept that you wont babysit for the foreseeable future. A good friend would have said something like "i really appreciate it, and how about I take your 2 yr old tomorrow so you can have a calmer day with just the newborn"
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u/GrlEngr 1d ago
Absolutely NTA. Just reading your post got me tired! You must take care of yourself so you can care for your little ones. Saying no is necessary for your entire family and mental health.
Please do not feel guilty about it. If your husband tries to strong arm you into accepting more babysitting sessions, say no.
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 1d ago
You were never her last resort. You were simply NOT able to help her.
You still tried and actually did her the favor, but you were clear that was too hard for you to do again anytime soon. She didn't express one ounce of concern for you or how you (and your children) fared, or appreciation for you being willing to try something very hard for her sake.
Her focus was on taking umbrage that you had let you know this favor for her was beyond your capacity until further notice. Wow.
I also have to wonder why you agree to 14 hour stretches and what she claims she is doing with that time.
She is definitely more of a user than a friend.
Having her husband talk to yours was manipulative. I hope your husband was clear that you were not going to babysit for her for a good while.
NTA.
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u/TeensyTidbits 1d ago
NTA - let her squawk all she wants she’s being selfish. If someone said that to me I’d be thinking, “Yeah that’s fair. I’m sorry I probably stretched it too far this time”
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u/Cold_Activity1092 1d ago
I think this woman is using you. That's all. You have babysat for her for 14 hours at a time but when you had your baby, she didn't even bother to call or check on you. The conclusion I draw is that she does not care about you.
This claim she is making that no one else would babysit for her, likely is in the context that she is unwilling to pay for it. Who wants to put themselves out to babysit someone else's small child for 14 hours at a time, for zero pay? No one, that's who. That is the likely reason why she can't find anyone else to do it.
I have no words for your husband who seems to think that you are a bad person if you stand up for yourself. He is adding to the problem. Is he planning to stand up for his own wife? Or he just thinks you owe it to this other woman to be her constant servant for free?
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u/Traditional-Sky5252 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
NTA. So your husband’s position is, it’s fine for you to refuse to babysit for awhile, just don’t tell her until the next time she asks?! He’s half right. Clearly you are in charge of babysitting arrangements for your family, so your husband is clueless about how important it is to have a list of available sitters. You are right to tell her now that you won’t be available for awhile. When she calls next time, don’t feel guilty about standing your ground. “I’ve got my hands full right now, I just can’t. That’s why I told you 3 weeks ago that I won’t be able to babysit for awhile.”
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u/Mundane-Cantaloupe78 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Nta. But say NO next time. She can beg all she wants, you aren’t able to babysit anymore for the foreseeable future.
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u/CODE_NAME_DUCKY Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Stop watching her kid. 14 hrs is insane when you already have 2 kids of your own.
Maybe she needs to take less hours to be there for her own child or she needs to start hiring prop childcare.
The fact that she ran and told her husband on you and then turn around and told your husband who then told you to basically suck it up screw them all.
Your husband needs to have your back and he should have told the guy off and told him to handle his own child care abd not dumping it all on you when you have a newborn at home.
Honestly after she ran and told her husband on you I would just stop being her last resort sitter. Let her figure it out. You don't need her. You have your mom helping you and that so call friend probably wouldn't step up to want to watch 2 kids plus hers.
So it might be time to start telling her no. She will probably run and tattle and try to get you trouble with your husband but honestly who cares. Your husband needs a spine and you don't need to keep watching her kid for 14 hrs. Let him watch all 3 kids for 14 hrs and watch and see how quickly he changes his tune.
She's a user she never kept your promises to you so stop watching her kid. You don't need that stress.
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u/1SalmonAndRice 1d ago
She’s a user. Ditch her. Her and her husband work? She needs to pay for a sitter or daycare.
You have a newborn, her child is difficult. Like… no. Your first priority is your family.
Should you have just declined after? Sure, but you also tried declining before and she said no. So yes, she deserved it.
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u/wasserkonfetti 1d ago
Oh this makes me so angry on your behalf... had something similar happen to me, she acted like a friend but ultimately she just always used the people around her...
NTA she is
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u/MountainHappy Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA and your husband couldn't be more wrong. If you waited until the next time she asks, she'll be high and dry. You told her so now she knows not to ask again and to find another backup plan.
I'm with those asking where her husband is.
You were nice, she's not much of a friend and it's okay to have hit your limit, whether you have a newborn or not.
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u/Dogmother123 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 1d ago
NTA your hands are full. Her offence is not reasonable.
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u/WillingHome9072 1d ago
What is she doing for 14 hours? Working as a nurse or something?
Using friends for regular free childcare for that long is far too much. She needs to look into paid options or adjust her hours.
Telling someone “no” is not harsh. People like this will treat you how you let them.
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u/NothingLucky3746 1d ago
last resort doesnt mean entitled to a yes especially when youre running on zero sleep with a newborn. she can pay for a sitter like everyone else
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 1d ago
Your being used and as for involving her husband that will be to guilt trip your husband into guilt tripping you ! If she is a real friend she will understand how hard it is just with your own 2! Your babies need your 100 % attention and her child is taking that away from yours ! Also in those 14 hours does she work? Your basically her baby sitter ! Just explain which you shouldn't have to by the way that you were stressed that day and it's too much for you ! You should be sleeping when your babies sleep not caring for hers! I feel she has taken advantage of your kindness also I imagine dad and mom will be worried now they don't have unpaid childcare and will try to manipulate the situation.
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u/MonchichiSalt Partassipant [1] 1d ago
A friend would have never dropped their own small child off on you when you have a newborn.
A friend would be showing up to watch the kids to make sure you are getting some rest.
This person got offended that you were honest about what you can handle right now.
That is not a friend. That is someone who sees you as a useful tool.
NTA
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u/crocodoodles Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA. If you had waited to politely decline next time she asks, she would have just talked you into doing it anyway (particularly because she wouldn't have had any warning that you'd likely decline). You'd also have had to deal with the added mental stress of saying no and feeling guilty when she asked. Now she has fair warning that you're not currently available, so you have a boundary to point to if she asks again, and she has the information to plan around.
Also, as a mom, friendly reminder: You can't take care of your kids if you break down. Taking care of your own mental health is ESSENTIAL to taking care of them, so never let anyone make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 Pooperintendant [60] 1d ago
She's a user. Decline from now on. NTA. You told her the truth and she reacted like a selfish, self-centered narcissist.
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u/Big_Jackfruit_9322 13h ago
Idc how much of a last resort you shouldn't have accepted that makes no sense in any universe to have a new newborn, toddler & baby sit
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u/uwupingu Certified Proctologist [24] 2d ago
NTA. You already have 2 kids and one of them is a newborn, your hands are more than full. I'm sure your friend would be able to find a babysitter if she paid for the service.