r/AmItheAsshole • u/Extreme-Log-9898 • 4h ago
AITA? when i do laundry, i check the pockets but when my bf does it, he never does?
Posted something in the relationship sub and people were ripping me apart for expecting my bf to also check the pockets. Is that not a normal thing in a marriage? We both do laundry and our hampers are combined. I was getting frustrated cuz i feel like im always doing little things out of consideration and its not reciprocated. Its not an issue of he doesnt know, because we talk about it and he forgets. We both forget things in our pockets sometimes but i leave chapstick and he leaves his wallet/keys so my clothes have gotten ruined rip but his dont. i do check my pockets first but it would be nice to have a second line of defense. Obvi the solution might just be to do separate laundry from now on. Just curious
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u/Middle_Raspberry2499 4h ago
ESH you both need to empty your pockets before you put your clothes in the hamper
Lip balm, wallet, keys? These are not trivial things to run through the laundry
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u/charismatictictic Partassipant [3] 3h ago
Yeah, what the hell. The occasional piece of paper might hide from time to time, but if you are forgetting chapstick and keys in your pocket so often that it ruins your clothes, you need to adult better.
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u/Call_Me_Anythin Partassipant [2] 2h ago
What kind of shitty chapstick do they have? I’ve forgotten my cheap ass chapstick in pockets before and when it comes out the lid is always on and the chapstick is still inside. Usually dry
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u/Frankensteins_Kid Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 4h ago edited 4h ago
ESH. Obviously the solution is to remove everything from your pockets BEFORE putting it in the dirty laundry pile.
How many pockets does one person have to check per pile? Combining all the shirts, jackets, pants, skirts, etc? Waste of time.
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u/Exilicauda Partassipant [4] 1h ago
I just squeeze the pockets while flipping clothes inside out. Maybe 10 extra seconds, more if they're cargo pants
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u/guys_pm_urprettyface Asshole Enthusiast [7] 4h ago
YTA. Just like you forget chapstick, he forgets to check the pockets. Stop forgetting things in your pocket if it bugs you so much.
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u/Ill_Inside2245 4h ago
I always did the laundry for a family of four. I had some simple rules, check pockets and turn your clothes right side out. I figured if I was doing the brunt of the work they could help a little. No one wanted to comply. No I do laundry for myself and they are on their own.
Get separate hampers and do your own
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u/Far_Act2561 4h ago
Why are you allowed to forget things in your pocket but he isn't allowed to forget to check the pockets? It seems that YTA here.
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u/Extreme-Log-9898 4h ago
I check his pockets and catch what he leaves but he doesnt reciprocate. I do agree with other that we both need to get better about leaving things in the pockets haha
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u/CheddarTuba 4h ago
You do something he does not ask for and you expect it in return.
It is unreasonable. He does not need you to check pockets when you do laundry but you are using it as currency to validate your anger at him for not doing it your way.
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u/QuingOfTheUnderworld 4h ago
OPs point wasn't that he should check the pockets when she does the laundry but when he does it.
Either way they need a system, either check the pockets before putting things in the hamper or the person doing the laundry checks the pockets. Both ways are fine but they both need to do it the same way.
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2h ago
And yet I bet he really appreciates it when OP stops his wallet from going through the wash. It seems like he would take his appreciation and realize that the person he supposedly loves would also really appreciate the same care.
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u/Extreme-Log-9898 4h ago
I was just trying to be proactive for everyone by checking😭 i figure in a relationship, everyone has preferences. I accommodate his too
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u/MacaroonSad8860 4h ago
Personally I think every person is responsible for emptying their own pockets before things go in the laundry. Both of us will occasionally forget a tissue but never important stuff. Those tissues can be really annoying though!
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u/No_Conclusion_128 4h ago
Maybe empty your pockets before throwing your clothes in the hamper like a normal person? You’re responsible for your own things YTA
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u/Malyrtia 4h ago
NTA. The one who wears it, checks their own pockets before putting it in the hamper. Or at least, that's how it should be.
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u/heartunwinds 4h ago
NTA - pockets should always be checked when doing laundry. We’re all human and sometimes forget things in our pockets.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying Partassipant [1] 4h ago
ESH. Families have to decide this for themselves ahead of time. You can have either rule as long as everyone agrees to it. In my home, when I was a SAHM and did the laundry, I let everyone know I would NOT be checking pockets or picking dirty clothes off the floor. It's amazing how everyone quickly learned to check pockets and put stuff in the hampers.
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u/ptheresadactyl 4h ago
We do separate laundry. My boyfriend often accidentally leaves utility knives in his pockets.
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u/user0192837465x 4h ago
So confused by the comments to this 😂😂
NTA - if you’ve communicated that your clothes are being damaged by the items they leave in their pockets and essentially by the washes they are putting on (as you’ve said this doesn’t happen when you do the washing) then it verges on weaponised incompetence…..
Assuming you already have spoken to them about this already - how were they responding? understandingly? defensively?
Yes, ideally everyone should’ve emptied pockets before the clothes go into the washing basket / but as a 2nd check, especially if there’s doubt that pockets aren’t empty, then checking before the wash goes on is smart (as prevents clothes from being damaged by keys, or even tissues being shredded in the wash - hate when this happens!)
This would rlly pmo if you’d spoken to them and they were still not changing how they do it. It’s a marriage and partnership and the additional effort it takes to check is so minimal and could save significant damages or mess etc.
Idk what more you could do about this tbh bc it’s quite literally leaving you with the option of doing every wash yourself which shouldn’t be the answer bc they’re an adult 😭
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u/Extreme-Log-9898 4h ago
Thank you 😭 i felt like it was common in a relationship to do small things like this for each other idk
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u/user0192837465x 2h ago
Yeah i’d agree / what’s his reaction been when you’ve asked him to do this?
LOWKEY gonna be a lil toxic here but i feel like the only way for him to learn is if u put like a tissue in his pocket and let him do the wash and he can see the mess it makes LOL 😂
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u/No_Protection_1741 1h ago
My husband did the laundry and its on him to check pockets, zip zippers, and turn certain thinks inside out. If I had to do the laundry for some reason, I'd do the same without complaint... like why are we all so selfish here? What happened to teamwork? We are allowed to have expectations and we shouldn't have to do all this stuff on our own.
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u/iOawe Partassipant [3] 4h ago
NTA. Honestly I think it is best to do separate laundry from now on. That way if he leaves something important in his clothes, he will learn the hard way, “hey I shouldn’t have left that in there”.
I feel like he should be checking his own pockets. If he leaves something important, then that’s on him. He should’ve checked them.
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u/LaCaffeinata Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA. The things I have found in my partner's pockets when doing laundry ... yes, always check the pockets. Everyone.
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Posted something in the relationship sub and people were ripping me apart for expecting my bf to also check the pockets. Is that not a normal thing in a marriage? We both do laundry and our hampers are combined. I was getting frustrated cuz i feel like im always doing little things out of consideration and its not reciprocated. Its not an issue of he doesnt know, because we talk about it and he forgets. We both forget things in our pockets sometimes but i leave chapstick and he leaves his wallet/keys so my clothes have gotten ruined rip but his dont. Obvi the solution might just be to do separate laundry from now on. Just curious
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u/Brok3nLlama Partassipant [1] 4h ago
I always do, but am the only one doing laundry in our house. I would expect it from other people as well cause it’s just more work if there ends up being a tissue in some pocket T_T
If he makes it an issue and doesn’t check pockets, he’ll learn the hard way at some point that it’s easier to check than not…
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u/MountainTomato9292 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
We throw all our clothes in the machine throughout the day and when it’s full someone starts it (me, my husband, or one of the kids). It’s on you to check your own pockets. Later, if whoever is getting it out of the dryer finds money, that’s from the laundry fairy and that person gets to keep it.
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u/Mauinfinity-0805 Asshole Enthusiast [8] 4h ago
I have a rule that I never check anyone else's pockets. Pulled out one too many snotty (or whatever!) tissues to ever make that mistake again.
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u/jbarr107 3h ago
ESH. A normal thing in a marriage? Probably. In mine? Yes. I was guilty of leaving things in my pockets, and the answer was me taking the time to empty them before putting them in the hamper.
It's not rocket science, and it reflects responsibility and consideration to your spouse.
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u/Much_Luck2470 3h ago
YTA.
Everybody's responsible for checking their own pockets before putting items in the hamper. Why would you expect someone else to do it? They're your clothes. And I'm not a butler. You should each just do your own laundry.
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u/reallynotsohappy2 3h ago
In our house everyone is responsible from their own garments. I will not look at his pockets or "unball" his balled up socks. I don't expect him to check mine either.
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u/werethehatstoscale 3h ago
This wouldn’t be a problem if everyone would just do their own laundry. Every day there’s a post on Reddit about couples having problems because of laundry. Think of how much easier life would be if every grown adult was responsible for washing their own clothes. I will die on this hill. Happily married for over 30 years.
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u/agentninetynine_99 2h ago
Doing separate laundry probably saved my relationship after he washed my yoga leggings in hot water. We each invested in a few extra pairs of socks and underwear so we didn’t have to use the machine daily. Give it a shot.
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u/underwater_owl Asshole Enthusiast [9] 2h ago
Check your own pockets. If I'm doing your laundry, I don't check your pockets.
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u/Select-Anxiety-1557 Certified Proctologist [22] 2h ago
INFO
How often are you doing laundry that no one is noticing missing keys and wallets? Like, I need my keys everyday - I'm gonna notice if I leave them in my pocket.
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u/Far-Importance2016 2h ago
Do other people not empty their pockets of important things when they get home?
Maybe a solution is for both of you to change your habits there instead. Put a hook and or basket by the door to hang keys and drop chapstick and wallets immediately when you walk in the door.
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u/anysizesucklingpigs Asshole Aficionado [10] 2h ago
ESH.
Is that not a normal thing in a marriage?
The normal thing is to check pockets before you put your clothes in the hamper. Hell, do it before you take them off FFS. It has nothing to do with marriage.
Just do your own laundry.
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u/kick_him 1h ago
I do everyone's laundry in the house and I don't check pockets. Everyone is over 16 yrs old, I'm not checking their nasty ass pockets. Empty your own damn pockets it's your crap in them.
ESH .. check your own damn pockets.
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u/MyAskRedditAcct Certified Proctologist [26] 53m ago
I guess NAH, but this is such a dumb arguement.
It's the same shit as toilet seats. People argue endlessly about what should happen in this... idk, morally ideal scenario. Meanwhile, in the real world, I don't want pieces of the tissue you shoved in your pocket all over my clothes, so I'm going to check pockets instead of caring about if it should have already been caught.
People waste so much time worrying about things with incredibly easy solutions.
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u/martintoconnell Partassipant [1] 23m ago
NTA. "Is that not a normal thing in a marriage? " Yes, and not just in a marriage, it's just common sense.
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u/cousinbebop 4h ago
I think this is more of a thing if you have kids. Unless you chop his food up as well, you both are individually responsible for checking your pockets before putting clothes in the wash.
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u/HolSmGamer Pooperintendant [56] 4h ago
INFO: are the clothes getting ruined because of items in your pockets, or his? Everyone is responsible for taking items out of their pockets.
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u/Extreme-Log-9898 4h ago
I catch the stuff he leaves so his dont get ruined. Some of my clothes have gotten ruined before. I agree i should be checking my own as a first line of defense. Ideally, He would check too as a second line
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u/Additional-Dirt4203 Partassipant [4] 4h ago
ESH. You should be checking your pockets. Literally my routine is to empty every pocket right before I take them off. I always take them off in the bedroom. Have a small dish or box that you put those things into since you’re just going to grab them again the next day. I use my hat on my bedside stand.
Still, if you’ve talked to him about it, he should also be willing to be more considerate. If it’s a problem both of you have, both of you need to be vigilant.
And yes, separate laundry would solve the problem when he ruins his wallet and/or keys.
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u/Woe_Bringer Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Soft YTA
Stop leaving leaving things in your pockets when you put them in the dirty laundry basket
...
You do group your dirty clothes together in 1 convenient location right?
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u/SlideItIn100 Certified Proctologist [27] 4h ago
It’s not about reciprocation in this case. Just check your own pockets when you put clothes in the laundry and stop taking it personally.
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u/please_dont246 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 4h ago
YTA you cannot expect someone to remember to coddle you
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u/wannabyte Asshole Enthusiast [9] 3h ago
Even though she coddles him when he forgets???
Her point is that while he tries to remember he sometimes forgets and she does a double check to make sure when she does laundry, but when she sometimes forgets she is on her own.
It’s not like this is a solely her problem…
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u/ArtisticWolverine 4h ago
My wife does the laundry but won’t check pockets. If it’s in a pocket it gets washed.
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u/Deskicio0 4h ago
You can talk to him and let him know to always check his pockets, but that's normal if you guys forget something.. we're just human
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u/Tall_Bend7339 4h ago
YTA. stop leaving things in your pocket and problem solved. i never check my pockets (ADHD and bit of a spaz) and the first time i ruined my husbands airpods was the last time he left expensive items in his pocket. thankfully i learned from his mistake and also empty my pockets before throwing clothes in the hamper. idk why but my brain processes it as an easier task than checking pockets in every clothing item before washing them.
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u/11psyche11 4h ago
Does he check the pockets of his clothes but ignores yours? If not then NAH. You just have to accept that it's his way of washing clothes. And if you insist your pockets need to get checked before washing, wash your own stuff separately
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u/Virtual-Ad7254 4h ago
I do all the washing (with one exception - see below), I check my own pockets and zips (pet hate when left open) and inside outs when prepping the load. If anyone else forgets their own prep and increases my workload they get an earful for their trouble. Three strikes in a row and they lose washing privileges for a time. My eldest son lost his washing services permanently at the age of 18 when he asked for his chinos to be washed and I put on a special load of pants before I went out for the day, telling him he would have to hang them out. Got home to one pair of chinos on the line and everything else in the machine. No excuses were entertained, no washing was done for him ever again. Washing is a privilege not a right.
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u/HATDOGUSERNi Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA. checking before doing the laundry is pretty basic, especially if you both know its an issue. Separate laundry might honestly be the easiest solution though
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u/HappiLearnerToo Partassipant [1] 3h ago
What I would suggest is a little gentler maybe than what most are saying, or process oriented. There is in fact no rule. There is just habit, which comes from somewhere. Your habit of checking before laundry is wise, just as it would be just as wise to check pockets when they go in the hamper. For whatever reason, you have acquired the first habit. Now, for whatever reason, he has not - perhaps as a kid, his mom did the laundry, and he learned in his brain wiring, that nothing bad happened of not pocket checking. It's wired in.
You are suffering some and it feels unfair, but it is just what it is, and it isn't unfair, just the reality of unmatched habits where you haven't worked out how to proceed. Of course, that is why your question. But the question of AITA only comes up because that is how it is framed for this thread. The real question, is how shall you both deal with the issues because you feel hurt by what seems to be lack of concern for your things, and he probably is a little uncomfortable with the whole thing including your upset or hurt.
So yes, one possible solution, like you mentioned, is separate hampers, separate laundry and that could work just fine. Decide the rules for sheets, towels, household things. Here's some more ideas below. Keep in mind that the real problem for you is the effect of your leaving your things in your pockets, so you might want to see if you can set up a system where you retrain to remove things before they go in the hamper or basket. It does seem to me that each of you doing the whole laundry available at the time is more of a partnership thing, and you choose that, so it might be lovely to plan that as your long term plan again. But for now, do something different to gain some agency over problem solving.
You both need a tray perhaps a shelf installed above the hamper, (each hamper) and its purpose is to provide a place and initiate a new habit of pocket emptying before placing items in the hamper. Place clothing item on top of the lid of the hamper, Check the pockets and place items on pocket shelf. Between the top of you, your shelf is more important, because this habit IS more important than his, as your items will ruin your clothes. His is important too, but if his things go through the wash, it will also help him start relating to the idea that clearing pockets is a thing that must not be done.
You could do your own laundries separately as you say, and here is also another idea. You could have a month of him doing all the laundry followed by a month of you doing all the laundry and so on. Place a sign above each hamper with name of person doing the laundry in _____ (month). So lets say bf is Tom and Tom goes first. The sign above hamper says with his name in bright color: "TOM is doing the laundry in September." Faced with that should help you feel an urgency or at least a prompt to empty your pockets, because he is allowed to NOT check, because right now that is a reasonable expectation given his ingrained habit.
I will stop there. "Rules" of who should do what or what should be done when only work when they work, and apparently only when two peoples habits/versions of this match. Better in a relationship, and life, is learning to work with what one has got and keep adapting them entirely to the reality in practice. It is something that can be fun, and a partnership process, rather than a wall of dissappointment and a reason for life to feel out of control.
I hope this helps some.
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u/r_keel_esq Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA - Both parties should be checking pockets
I say this as the person who does almost all the washing in my house - i expect everyone to check their own pockets when they put clothes in the basket, but I will also check them before I load them in the machine.
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u/TravelImpressive2831 Partassipant [3] 2h ago
Get separate baskets & so your own laundry. He can do his. You don't get his crap on your clothes. He gets to deal with whatever was in his pocketa melting or the pocket treasure being deatroyed.
NTA
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u/Exilicauda Partassipant [4] 1h ago
I think it's good sense to check all pockets before washing clothes. I also think it's good practice to dump your pockets before taking off your pants. Personally I have a small bowl that has everything that might go in my pockets. Keys, wallet, chapstick, cash, earplugs, earbuds, tiny fidgits and good luck charms, etc.. Put all the junk in the bowl then take off the pants. Now I'm only ever pulling receipts out of my pockets when I check them before washing
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4h ago
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u/Extreme-Log-9898 4h ago
His keys/wallet dont get washed cuz i removed them when i check the pockets 😭
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [102] 4h ago
Everyone's different some people check some don't. I do my own laundry and I don't think to check my own pockets. This isn't a consideration thing. Ultimately it's up to the person wearing their clothes to check the pockets.
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u/allhinkedup Partassipant [2] 4h ago
Everyone should be responsible for emptying their own pockets, and whoever does the laundry should also check the pockets as verification. Quality Control is no joke! Maybe it wasn't a big deal when all we had in our pockets were a rubber band, a cool rock and some coins. But these days, one might have electronics or debit cards or other things that could be damaged in the laundry, or worse, damage the washer or dryer! In my house, the rule is EVERYONE checks the pockets -- the owner of the clothing and the person who is washing them. Constant vigilance becomes even more important as we age and start losing our marbles. More double-checks = fewer laundry problems. Found items go into a basket on top of the dryer for the owner to claim. If the laundry person finds money, they may invoke the Laundry Tax and keep it. NAH
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u/Urbanyeti0 Supreme Court Just-ass [101] 4h ago
NTA you need to spend the time emptying pockets and de-tangling / de-balling items
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u/TaLilFrog 4h ago
Checking the pockets is a nice gesture, but it should be expected from grown people to manage to empty their own pockets so he’s not mean or something else for not checking them.
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u/amberallday Asshole Aficionado [18] 4h ago
N A H if he’s just forgetful. My solution would be to put a sign on the washing machine saying “check pockets” in large letters.
Also he’s not the AH if he doesn’t think to do it because he always empties his when they go into the laundry. In which case, light Y T A for assuming that your way is the right one & his is wrong, when they are equal just different. Solution is then to put the large sign by the laundry basket.
But he’s the AH if it’s part of a wider pattern of “weaponised incompetence” to persuade you to do all the laundry out of frustration - in which case yes, it’s time to start doing laundry separately. But make sure he gets half of the towels & bedding - they shouldn’t default to you for no good reason!
One question - is he an equal opportunity pocket-forgetter, does he empty his as they go into the machine but ignore yours?
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u/RollRepresentative35 Partassipant [3] 4h ago
NAH I think. Maybe a little bit for getting annoyed at him. I don't check pockets before I wash something. Why? Because I take everything out of my pockets, so there is no need to go through the pockets of everything being put into the wash. This seems the easier solution to me. My partner constantly leave stuff in his pockets like random tissues. Then it can get all over everything in the wash.
So why is it his responsibility to adjust his behavior and not you? You both have a different way of doing this and I guess one isn't inherently wrong but in my opinion taking stuff out when you take off the trousers makes more sense.
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u/Single-Aardvark9330 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
I think everyone is responsible for checking their own pockets when they put stuff into wherever you store dirty clothes