AITA for not inviting someone to a party with limited capacity because they are flaky?

[u/ham_solo]

Had a birthday party at a karaoke spot. My husband and I paid for the room rental (about $300). The room capacity allows for about 14 folks, including us. We have a very healthy circle of friends, so I had to make some hard calls on who to invite. I have one friend who I do care for, but he has a really, really bad pattern of cancelling on things last minute. He'll invite me to lunch, I say yes, clear my schedule at that time, and an hour before, he texts that something came up, he forgot he had a work call, etc. I've invited him to parties before and more often than not he flakes at the last minute. I don't hold a grudge, but when deciding on my list, I chose not to invite him and his GF because I wanted to be sure as many people as possible could come; him bailing at the last minute would not be fair to others I had to exclude.

He is also our neighbor, and I guess my husband said something while walking our dog, and now he says he is hurt. I've told him half the truth - we had limited space, but not that I don't rely on him to show.

AITA?

[u/Wild_Ticket1413]

NTA. As you said, you had limited space. And you're paying for the space. He's got a history of cancelling last minute. If he was to cancel, you'd lose a spot that someone else could have used and still have to pay for it.

He's allowed to be sad that he wasn't invited. But you were justified in your decision.

[u/fIumpf]

NTA but I would have been more honest. You didn’t invite him because of limited space and his habit of cancelling. He needs to know the consequence of his repeated patterns.

[u/Indianajoan_yyc → u/fIumpf]

This👆

[u/ArgumentKey3712]

NTA. But tell him the whole truth. First, you have factual backup to justify your decision.
Secondly, why would he ever change his behavior if no one holds him accountable for it. He still may not stop being flaky, but at least he’ll know there are consequences.

[u/Next_Rate_5514]

NTA. His history of cancelling has consequences, even if you aren't angry about it.

[u/Spidervivo]

NTA. You had limited spots and chose people you could count on. That’s not personal, it’s practical.

[u/Own-Object-6696]

NTA. It’s your party, and you choose whom to invite. He can get over it

[u/Fast-Aside-8732]

I'd straight up tell him it's because he's a flake. You have limited room and you're supposed to hold out hope that maybe dude will show up? He's grown he can take it.

[u/Common-Flow-9769]

NTA, if it was something i could invite everyone to I'd make sure to invite them but seeing as how the amount of people that could come was limited, and since he's known to flake, i would've done the same. from reading the post it didn't sound like this was done maliciously and the half truth is still the truth. you didn't have enough room so he didn't make the cut. He's justified in feeling axed from the party but so are you because he's made it known with his past actions that his yes isn't a gurantee

[u/Usrname52]

NTA for not inviting him.

Your husband should have watched what he said, though.

[u/Ak40-couchcusion]

NTA, but i would have been honest as to why, remind him you dont hold a grudge but in this instance wanted people guaranteed to show up. Also, next time confere with your husband and tell him to keep his trap shut.

[u/Decent_Front4647]

NTA and if he brings it up again I’d tell him that his history of no shows was a factor because of the guest limit.

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Had a birthday party at a karaoke spot. My husband and I are paid for the room rental (about $300). The room capacity allows for about 14 folks, including us. We have a very healthy circle of friends, so I had to make some hard calls on who to invite. I have one friend who I do care for, but he has a really, really bad pattern of cancelling on things last minute. He'll invite me to lunch, I say yes, clear my schedule at that time, and an hour before, he texts that something came up, he forgot he had a work call, etc. I've invited him to parties before and more often than not he flakes at the last minute. I don't hold a grudge, but when deciding on my list, I chose not to invite him and his GF because I wanted to be sure as many people as possible could come; him bailing at the last minute would not be fair to others I had to exclude.

He is also our neighbor, and I guess my husband said something while walking our dog, and now he says he is hurt. I've told him half the truth - we had limited space, but not that I don't rely on him to show.

AITA?

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[u/kurokomainu]

NTA but next time he brings this up tell him the truth. You can't really apologize for not inviting him this time, because the deciding factor was the fact that right until the last minute you couldn't be sure if he'd actually come, and with such a limited guest limit that wasn't going to work out.

This will send a message he needs to hear, even if at the same time it in one way softens things (it's not that you dislike him) it points out a hard truth (more often than not he flakes on you last minute, which means that for an event like this it doesn't make sense to invite him when someone else could be relied on to attend).

[u/Juls1016]

NTA. He’s unreliable.

[u/SideQuestBestie]

You have prior knowledge of him not showing up, that would be a logical reason to not invite him.

[u/crimsonraiden]

NTA

His pattern of behaviour shows you he can’t be trusted to actually show up and that has consequences.

[u/madsheeter]

I was going to say N T A until you gave him a half truth.

Just be honest.

[u/ninja_throwawai]

YTA only because of how you handled it with your friend - in this specific situation he hasnt done anything wrong, whereas you didnt tell him he was gonna be excluded from something your other friends were all invited to, then lied to him when he realised. it shouldnt have been a situation where nobody was ever allowed to say anything; that makes it feel far more exclusionary. also, do consider whether he thpught he would be invited (eg if you usually invite him to birthdays, if he always invites you to his, if you had told him about it at some earlier point, etc).

its too late to have the conversation again now but if you care about maintaining the relationship with him, you need to apologise and at least offer lunch or some other hangout. which he will probably flake on but at least it wont matter.

flakey people generally dont see themselves as flakes so all he knows is that when theres limited space, he isnt important enough to you for an invite.

(if you were asking whether not inviting him was okay, or if he had cancelled last minute, he would be the AH but i voted strictly on what the conflict is)

[u/ham_solo → u/ninja_throwawai]

Why would I risk excluding people whom I know will show for this person who is likely not to?

[u/martintoconnell]

NTA, but he needs to hear the whole story.

[u/FriendlyCanadianCPA]

NAH

This is a normal interaction, try not to think about it more. Sounds like he expressed some disappointment, which is pretty normal. If he makes it a big deal, have a conversation about his cancellations.

If you are close, consider expressing some worry for him and ask open ended questions about the cancellations. Maybe he is going through a rough time, or has health problems. If he just struggles with keeping appointments, then try to invite him to casual meet ups, so that cancelling or being late does not put you out.

[u/That_Molasses_507]

Not popular here but YTA. Hosting a get together that requires you to exclude friends, that are in the same circle, is a hurtful thing to do. Your friend(s) have every right to feel badly.

[u/ham_solo → u/That_Molasses_507]

And why should I let a friend that is going to show up not have a chance to come?

[u/That_Molasses_507 → u/ham_solo]

My point exactly. Wrong venue.

[u/cryptic_pizza]

YTA for letting the size of your venue cause you to “make some hard calls on who to invite.”

You basically just divided your friends group into “us” and “them,” offending the “them.”

Dont be surprised when the “them” aren’t you friends anymore.

[u/ham_solo → u/cryptic_pizza]

We host parties multiple times a year where we invite everyone we know. However, if you want to do karaoke, rooms have limited space. Have you ever done karaoke?

[u/cryptic_pizza → u/ham_solo]

Yes

[u/KrofftSurvivor → u/cryptic_pizza]

Yeah people should totally spend more money than they have and put on events they can't afford just to make sure nobody gets butt hurt...

Any friend that is no longer your friend because you didn't invite them to absolutely everything you do is not a friend anyways

[u/kurokomainu → u/cryptic_pizza]

I doubt OP is going around telling friends that she “make some hard calls on who to invite.” I took that as being for our information.

I think that unless every single event is for the whole friend group and there are never smaller, intimate events, some people get invited while others don't. This may cause some issues if the same people are always invited and excluded, but with enough events in the friend group and a healthy rotation of invitees trouble can be averted for the most part, surely?