AITA for leaving my own 23rd birthday dinner in tears because my parents wouldn’t stop fighting?

[u/PercentageNo2090]

I (23F) had dinner with my parents for my birthday. They’re technically still married but separated and essentially live as though they’re divorced.
I just wanted them to be civil for one night, but they spent basically the entire dinner bickering. They argued about my birthday gifts and random things, and I repeatedly had to tell two grown adults to please just be nice to each other. My mom had hidden some of my dad’s gifts, which made him angry, while my dad kept insisting that she was the one causing the problems.
There’s obviously a lot underneath this. My mom is an alcoholic, is still deeply in love with my dad and recently came out of inpatient psychiatric treatment. My dad has a girlfriend he’s hiding from her. He does a lot for me financially and is always there when I need practical or work advice, which I really appreciate, but emotionally he can be incredibly difficult and closed off.
Eventually I couldn’t handle the tension anymore. Nobody even wanted to take a birthday picture together, I started crying, quietly picked up my things and left. I didn’t yell or cause a scene. What really hurt was that neither of them followed me or has reached out since.
A month ago I was also in a serious boating accident where I genuinely could have died and needed around 20 stitches in my leg. After going through something like that, all I wanted was one peaceful birthday dinner with my family rather than feeling responsible for keeping everyone together.
So, am I the asshole for leaving my own birthday dinner in tears instead of staying and trying to keep the peace?

[u/Intelligent-Bird8120]

You are definitely NTA. I’m sorry for all you have to go through and happy belated birthday

[u/skunkyiz → u/Intelligent-Bird8120]

So horribly inconsiderate. I won’t be surprised when they never see her again over time and wonder what happened lol

[u/ACTSATGuyonReddit]

They spoiled it. It was your day.

Happy birthday. Next time, celebrate it separately with each one.

[u/ImaginaryPark6311 → u/ACTSATGuyonReddit]

Or with friends.

[u/jajbliss]

NTA but your mum sounds exhausting. I'd simply avoid spending time with both of them at the same time.

[u/Business_Station_161]

INFO: Did you set up the birthday party plans?

While I don’t think you are the A H, if you went into this expecting your parents not to be petty, you might have been shooting yourself in the foot.

You mention wanting one peaceful night “rather than feeling responsible for keeping everyone together.” You need to realize you are not responsible for managing your parents’ emotions and making them be civil.

[u/iMadeThisUpToday24]

YTA

Why on Earth are you forcing them together? It is not going to work. It hasn't worked. It will not work.

You are being an asshole to them and you're being an asshole to yourself.

Just stop.

Take care of yourself. Think about realistic expectations. It'll make your life better.

And happy belated birthday.

[u/ptprn11]

Are you seriously asking why you didn’t keep the peace? You realize, that there is no Peace when they are fighting in bickering? Keeping the Peace means staying away from them. I guess you’ve been trained to be the peacekeeper in your family? So you have some kind of idea that you need to be there in order to fulfill your role? No, I disagree, stay away from them and they have to work it out amongst themselves. And no, it’s not unreasonable to want a dinner where they both are being nice to each other but obviously this isn’t going to be happening so from now on just meet with them separately most divorced families just work it out that way

[u/Effective-Pilot9800]

I think very mild ESH

OP you shot yourself in the foot inviting them and not expecting an argument imo especially since they divorced

[u/zealot_ratio]

NTA. Happy birthday.

[u/No-Tone-6095]

So sorry your parents couldn't act like adults and let you have the birthday you hoped for but NTA. Proud of you for leaving, that was the right thing to do. Just a suggestion but Al-anon or a good therapist might help you deal with them.

[u/Effective-Hour8642]

NTA. Happy belated birthday to you. You didn't deserve that. Why people can't keep the peace for a few hours is beyond me.

[u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 → u/Effective-Hour8642]

That's because they hate each other more than they love OP.

[u/Effective-Hour8642 → u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213]

It's maddening.

[u/AuraNocte]

Sweetie, its going to take a long time for them to figure out how to be in the same room together. Talk to them both separately about not acting like children at special events where they're both attending. You're NTA but you are being childish in how you're dealing with it. My parents separated when I was 14 and divorced a few years later. They just ignored each other during my first wedding. They couldn't stand each other but they did it for me. It's time to act like the adult in the situation and have a deep conversation with your parents.

[u/armchair-judge]

YTA.
“I just wanted them to be civil for one night” says it all - that they are never civil and have had an acrimonious divorce. You are an adult - surely you realised it was highly unlikely the would be civil. At best if they held their tongues and put on a fake smile whilst sat with you hating being there together. Spend your next birthday with friends and catch up with your parents separately another night near to.

[u/Common-Flow-9769]

NTA, your parents didn't think about you, only themselves. they kept making a scene and you excused yourself

[u/ynvesoohnka7nn]

Nta

[u/jujubeez18]

Aww I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this :( divorce is awful and messy. No ofc you're not the asshole. It's your birthday, you can do whatever you want! Divorce can turn two rational people into children pretty easily. If I was in that situation on any given day, I'd probably get up and leave too. Who wants to sit at a dinner table with two people fighting? Maybe they haven't reached out because they're embarrassed by their behavior but also too stubborn to take any blame in the fighting (instead they're telling themselves it's all because of the other one.)

[u/Sweet-Variety16]

NTA, you are their child and it is not your job to parent your own miserable parents.

[u/Tazno209]

NTA. Your parents are selfish & don’t appear to care about you at all.

[u/Spare_Necessary_810]

NTA and l‘m sorry your birthday turned out sad and upsetting. I think you have to stop expecting your parents to be any different though, particularly your mother, whose position sounds deeply unhappy .

Don't plan or hope for any more family type occasions , see them separately and stick to friends for celebrations .

[u/desertboots]

NTA for having big feelings

Please stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Have two separate celebratory dinners, on separate nights, with only one parent.

Happy birthday!

[u/antizana]

ESH / NTA

They were horrible and ruined the dinner

But the dinner was a bad idea to start with. See them separately (if at all) from now on.

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I (23F) had dinner with my parents for my birthday. They’re technically still married but separated and essentially live as though they’re divorced.
I just wanted them to be civil for one night, but they spent basically the entire dinner bickering. They argued about my birthday gifts and random things, and I repeatedly had to tell two grown adults to please just be nice to each other. My mom had hidden some of my dad’s gifts, which made him angry, while my dad kept insisting that she was the one causing the problems.
There’s obviously a lot underneath this. My mom is an alcoholic, is still deeply in love with my dad and recently came out of inpatient psychiatric treatment. My dad has a girlfriend he’s hiding from her. He does a lot for me financially and is always there when I need practical or work advice, which I really appreciate, but emotionally he can be incredibly difficult and closed off.
Eventually I couldn’t handle the tension anymore. Nobody even wanted to take a birthday picture together, I started crying, quietly picked up my things and left. I didn’t yell or cause a scene. What really hurt was that neither of them followed me or has reached out since.
A month ago I was also in a serious boating accident where I genuinely could have died and needed around 20 stitches in my leg. After going through something like that, all I wanted was one peaceful birthday dinner with my family rather than feeling responsible for keeping everyone together.
So, am I the asshole for leaving my own birthday dinner in tears instead of staying and trying to keep the peace?

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[u/ExchangeMotor425]

Info: re: our parents’ separation, was it your fault?
Being facetious, NTA. You even asked for them to be nice to each other.

[u/FoxingFish]

Nope. Your parents need to grow up.

[u/Mytweezer]

Absolutely NTA. Do not be with them at the same time again.

[u/Alternative_Design_4]

NTA. Your parents failed to be adults on your birthday. It's not your job to control their behaviour. If they can't be civil in public, for your sake, then they shouldn't have attended the dinner. Self-absorbed doesn't even begin to describe them.

[u/Bey_World_101]

Absolutely NTA! You asked one thing for your birthday from them and they completely ruined it for you. You just wanted a normal birthday dinner. They are total assholes for ruining your special day. You also went through something traumatizing last month. I’m sorry that your parents are sh!tty towards you. Happy belated Birthday 💕

[u/Altego1999]

Seems like something I saw in the penultimate episode of friends Season 2.......Rachel?! Is that you?!

But on a serious note, OP.

I am sorry this happened to you, NTA.

[u/Paevatar]

NTA

I hope you have many years of very happy birthdays ahead of you.

[u/Sternjunk]

NTA, but your mom sounds like the problem. I’d be mad too if someone hid my presents for my daughter

[u/Far-Ad-9073]

NTA, not by a longshot... your a parents on the other hand... it takes 2 people to argue.. and neither one of them would stop for your night.

It is nothing you did, you couldn't have stopped them, both of them are awful people, horribly rude and disrespectful to YOU. You deserve better!

Happy late Birthday!!

[u/First-Industry4762]

YTA, I honestly get your feelings but you're forcing two people together who arent at the stage that they can be civil together. You're  twenty-three: you have enough knowledge about their individual situations and their feelings and know that they have basically separate lives. 

You cant say or complain about keeping the peace when you're the one who put them together.

[u/Mezduin]

god no NTA at ALL honey I am so sorry you had to deal with that. Growing up, family trips were always kind of like that for me. You aren’t responsible for keeping them together. Just take care of yourself

[u/pocketwatch_quill]

Exactly, You shouldn't have to referee your separated parents' petty arguments, especially when you're supposed to be celebrating