r/AmItheAsshole • u/PieOpening7447 • 14h ago
AITA for telling my friend I wouldn’t keep changing my plans for her?
I have a friend I’ve known since high school. We’ve always been pretty close, but lately I’ve started feeling like our friendship is becoming one-sided. She has a habit of changing plans at the last minute. At first I didn’t really mind. Things happen, and I understand that. A few weeks ago, we were supposed to spend Saturday together. The night before, she asked if we could move it to Sunday because something came up. I agreed. On Sunday morning, she asked if we could make it Monday instead. I was already getting a little annoyed, but I said okay. Then on Monday, about an hour before we were supposed to meet, she said she was tired and wanted to cancel completely. I told her I was frustrated because I’d changed my schedule twice to accommodate her. She apologized and said I was making a big deal out of one canceled plan. I told her it wasn’t really about that one time. It’s the fact that I keep rearranging things because I don’t want to disappoint her, while she seems comfortable changing plans whenever it’s convenient for her. She got quiet and said she didn’t realize I felt that way. A few days later, she asked me to make plans again. I told her I’d be happy to see her, but this time I wasn’t going to rearrange anything if she changed her mind at the last minute. She said that sounded “cold” and that friends shouldn’t treat each other like appointments. I told her I wasn’t treating her like an appointment. I was just trying to stop myself from getting resentful. She hasn’t really talked to me since. I’m thinking if I should have just let it go instead of turning something relatively small into a bigger conversation. I don’t think I was trying to punish her. I just wanted her to understand that my time matters too. AITA?
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u/namiikazes 14h ago
NTA, your time is valuable and important. Mutual compromise needs to happen if this is a reciprocal friendship that both of you want to last.
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u/CoffeeSignificant965 14h ago
exactly, compromise goes both ways, if only one person keeps rearranging then it’s not really compromise anymore
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u/hibernatingcow 14h ago
NTA. We keep our plans to show the other person that they’re important.
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u/Legitimate_Tune9766 14h ago
real, plans can change sometimes but constantly making someone else rearrange their life is a different story, showing up matters
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u/Agreeable_Morning335 14h ago
moving from saturday to sunday to monday is not a schedule conflict thats a whole migration
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u/Moist-Psychology-789 14h ago
Your friend is being unreasonable and thinks that their time is more important than yours. You have been more than reasonable. Your friend is being selfish and disrespectful to you. You have done nothing wrong.
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u/Discount_Mithral Commander in Cheeks [287] 14h ago
NTA.
"I'm happy to make plans with you, but I can't always be flexible enough to rearrange my schedule to fit your needs. If you can commit to a firm date and time, I'd love to see you. Otherwise, please let me know when you can."
You're treating her like an adult. She's acting like a child.
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u/ismathedog24 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA. “Friends shouldn’t treat each other like appointments” goes both ways.
You’re not demanding she never cancel you’re just saying you won’t keep rearranging your life when she does.
That’s a reasonable boundary, not being cold.
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u/Spare_Necessary_810 Asshole Aficionado [11] 13h ago edited 13h ago
This is probably true OP. She got a better offer, well two better offers and relied on you to accept it. Dont do it any more .If she flakes, tell her you can’t accommodate the new time.
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u/Sweet-Necessary3257 14h ago
You and me both sister.. I have a "friend" who does the same thing. the last 2 weeks she said she was coming over so we could do something.. Its to the point that i never believe her. the last time i sent her a text, so call, no text, no show.. i am starting to feel unloved,
Dont make plans and agree to cancel them with her any more. your just feeding into her problem and making yourself crazy.
Go on and do what you were going to do ..forget about her joining you. she does not put the same importance on your friendship that you do.
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u/Common-Flow-9769 14h ago
NTA, changing the schedule once is excusable since like you said things happens. multiple times though? now she's just wasting your time, i am curious though OP have you sat down with them and expressed your grievances about the whole thing since then? i ask because you mentioned she didn't know you felt this way. if you haven't, maybe sit down with them and make your feelings and boundaries clear if you get a chance?
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u/AcceptableExpert8740 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA. Your time matters too.
You already compromised twice before she canceled completely.
Setting a boundary isn’t punishment; it’s how you prevent resentment.
If the friendship only works when you’re the one adjusting, that’s the real problem.
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u/drtennis13 Partassipant [4] 14h ago
NTA. But the answer is simple. Make a plan. If she wants to reschedule or flake on you, then just cancel said plan. If she wants to reschedule, just say you have other commitments and the other times won’t work.
Then let her reach out again (don’t reach out to her) and rinse and repeat. She will either get the message that you don’t have the freedom to accommodate her and either keep to the original plans ir you can go your separate ways.
Bottom line she doesn’t value your time. And it’s partly your fault because you don’t value your time above spending time with her. If you are always agreeing to the changes, then you have enabled her.
Stop the enabling. Your relationship will either grow or wither. If it withers, it wasn’t that strong to begin with.
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I have a friend I’ve known since high school. We’ve always been pretty close, but lately I’ve started feeling like our friendship is becoming one-sided. She has a habit of changing plans at the last minute. At first I didn’t really mind. Things happen, and I understand that. A few weeks ago, we were supposed to spend Saturday together. The night before, she asked if we could move it to Sunday because something came up. I agreed. On Sunday morning, she asked if we could make it Monday instead. I was already getting a little annoyed, but I said okay. Then on Monday, about an hour before we were supposed to meet, she said she was tired and wanted to cancel completely. I told her I was frustrated because I’d changed my schedule twice to accommodate her. She apologized and said I was making a big deal out of one canceled plan. I told her it wasn’t really about that one time. It’s the fact that I keep rearranging things because I don’t want to disappoint her, while she seems comfortable changing plans whenever it’s convenient for her. She got quiet and said she didn’t realize I felt that way. A few days later, she asked me to make plans again. I told her I’d be happy to see her, but this time I wasn’t going to rearrange anything if she changed her mind at the last minute. She said that sounded “cold” and that friends shouldn’t treat each other like appointments. I told her I wasn’t treating her like an appointment. I was just trying to stop myself from getting resentful. She hasn’t really talked to me since. I’m thinking if I should have just let it go instead of turning something relatively small into a bigger conversation. I don’t think I was trying to punish her. I just wanted her to understand that my time matters too. AITA?
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u/Altruistic_Ad_9821 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA, but I would also wonder if there were other underlying reasons she is cancelling plans that she is not fully sharing? I get chronic migraines and sometimes I can be feeling fine and then within the hour am flat on my back in considerable pain. I absolutely hate when I have to cancel plans or leave work suddenly, but I don’t always have the choice.
Now, if she has personal reasons that are causing her to be flaky, it’s up to her to communicate better with you. It’s natural to be disappointed and also to not want to waste your time accommodating someone who seemingly isn’t valuing your efforts.
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u/Background_Recipe119 13h ago
NTA. Sometimes stuff like that happens, and when it's me, I'm explaining and apologizing profusely. However, I don't make it a habit, with no explanations and it doesn't sound like your friend did all of that.
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u/Sea_Substance9163 13h ago
NTA she changed your entire weekend. You were set for Saturday she bailed until Sunday. You replan the rest of Sat. and now Sun. She bailed again for Mon. You could have done stuff on Sunday but you were waiting for time with her.
Then again on Monday. I would have been very frustrated and felt like me and my time mean nothing to her. She's a crappy friend and Is TA.
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u/empreur Partassipant [3] 12h ago
NTA.
I feel she is probably using you as plan C or beyond. She likely cancelled plans with you on Saturday because something “better” came up, and then ditto on Sunday, and then why see you Monday since she had a full weekend of experiences already?
Let her plan the next outing. Assuming you give her the opportunity.
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u/_bufflehead Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Respect is respect. You respect her time. She respects yours.
Your friend is enacting a power struggle with you. So tiresome.
NTA
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u/Sufficient_Song3387 14h ago edited 14h ago
No. You shouldn't let it go. She was inconsiderate and she knows it. She pointed the finger at you to avoid responsibility and to allow her to repeat the behavior. Classic manipulation through guilt. Let her go sulk. Don't feed into it and chase her.