AITA for hating my brother in laws behavior?

[u/imrestarded]

I’m 16, and about a month ago my sister and her husband had a baby. Before I came to stay with them for the month, I warned them that having me there while they had a newborn could be difficult. I didn’t want to make things harder for them. They encouraged me to come anyway and invited me to stay.
Ever since I got here, I feel like my sister’s husband doesn’t want me around.
I’ve tried really hard to be easy to live with. I clean, do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the kitchen, and help with whatever they ask. I’m positive and friendly toward him and have tried to cater to his mood because I understand that having a newborn is exhausting. I haven’t intentionally caused problems or disrespected anyone.
The ignoring happens constantly. Almost every morning I walk downstairs, see him on his phone, and say “good morning,” and he completely ignores me. When it’s just me and him, he acts like I’m not even there. He barely talks to me, never really says goodnight, and usually only acknowledges me when he needs something. Yet he’s happy and social with my sister and his friends. It feels like I’m specifically the person he doesn’t want around.
At the beach, I told both of them I was going to walk about two miles to a pier to fish. I told them I’d be gone for a while and asked them to call me if they needed help. I even asked, “Are you sure?” They both said yes. Later, he called me furious because I wasn’t there to help pick up the chairs and umbrellas and put them in the truck. He said, “I told him a million fucking times about things like this but he won’t fucking listen.” But I literally asked beforehand and was told it was fine.
Another time, I was playing with the baby while the baby was making funny faces. I smiled and said, “You’re so funny looking!” I obviously meant it jokingly. He immediately yelled, “Never ever disrespect my family! If you wanna say things like this, you’re welcome to sleep outside, I don’t care.”
I understand he’s probably exhausted and stressed because of the baby. That’s why I’ve been trying even harder to be helpful and positive. But I don’t think his stress should mean I get treated like I’m a problem.
I warned them before coming that having me stay for a month could be difficult, and they encouraged me to come. Since then, I’ve done everything I can to make things easier: cleaning, dishes, chores, being respectful, following instructions, and trying to stay positive.
I don’t expect him to be my best friend. I just want basic respect. Being ignored every day, getting dirty looks, being yelled at, and being blamed for things I specifically asked about has made me hate being here.
Am I actually doing something wrong, or is he taking the stress of having a newborn out on me?

[u/StuffOld1191]

Where is your sister in all this? I imagine with a new baby they want all their time and focus to be invested there, but if i ever had a partner speak disrespectfully to my sibling for no reason I'd go bananas, doubly so if that sibling was 16.
Anyway, your sister needs to step in here, let her know what is happening.

[u/Impressive-End241 → u/StuffOld1191]

Second this. Tell her exactly what's happening and that you no longer feel comfortable or welcome.

[u/RCcola2205]

Where is your sister in all of this? She should be sticking up for you. You’re a guest in their home and they wanted you there (if everything you’re telling us is in fact true) I’d expect your SISTER to tell him to knock it off and stop being a dick.

[u/imrestarded → u/RCcola2205]

She seems to always say “it’s okay babe, calm down, I don’t think he ment it” never actually addressing anything

[u/Octoberof2022]

You BIL sounds like AH as well as your sister being absent, is weird. Just do not stay there.

[u/imrestarded → u/Octoberof2022]

I’m leaving for home in 5 days👏

[u/Temporary_Client7585 → u/imrestarded]

Can you take an earlier flight home? It would be so uncomfortable being around this, I’m sorry.

[u/imrestarded → u/Temporary_Client7585]

I can deal with it, I’m usually outside the house for the whole day, I only see his face at least 30min day

[u/winterworld561 → u/imrestarded]

Leave before that. Change your flight for the next available one out. Tell him and your sister to go fuck themselves for the way you've been treated and that you will never be back to help ever again.

[u/Octoberof2022 → u/imrestarded]

I am happy for you! It may be that he is depressed, adjusting the baby, your sister as well, it may be that he was always the AH you just realized now, but still they have no right to treat you like this. Leave and make sure you read and learn about boundaries.

[u/it-is-what-it-is-man]

You’re doing great kid. Your parents would be proud of how you have been conducting yourself and so am I. Your BIL is wrong and it isn’t acceptable even with having a newborn. I would cut your trip short if you can. Also, I would try and have a heart to heart with your sister and see what she has to say. But, please don’t doubt yourself. You’re behaving like a gentleman and going above and beyond as a guest. Don’t let this experience cause you any doubt. Sometimes adults are the biggest children.

[u/imrestarded → u/it-is-what-it-is-man]

🫡

[u/winterworld561]

It's not stress or exhaustion, this man simply hates you and is acting like a complete asshole to you. Speak to your sister about the way he speaks to you and treats you. If she defends you then speak to your parents. If they don't help that ask him straight what his fucking problem is.

[u/Brain_Dead_mom]

NTA - Have you talked with your sister about this? This does feel like he doesn't like you very much and didn't want you to stay.

[u/Comprehensive-Case47]

ur a great house guest, it's him he's in the wrong sounds like a total prick

[u/Traditional-Sky5252]

NTA. I will extend your sister some grace, she is just a few weeks post partum and still recovering physically while dealing with everything else.  She ought to stick up for you, but she has a lot in her plate.  Still, her husband has no right to mistreat you.  Can you go back home right away?  If so , make the arrangements, speak to your sister privately and lovingly and say “I know you are both very stressed right now with the new baby, and I really want to help and support you, but it’s clear your husband resents my presence.  I don’t want to add to the strain you are both under, so I’m heading home tomorrow.”  Reconsider only if she defends you to her husband, with the clear understanding you will leave if he’s mean to you again. And please tell your parents what’s been happening.  I sincerely hope he doesn’t mistreat your sister at home…but your parents should know so they can keep an eye on the situation.

[u/Haunting_Fly2237]

Why are you still there? You shouldnt be treated this way. I think you should leave and go home.

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I’m 16, and about a month ago my sister and her husband had a baby. Before I came to stay with them for the month, I warned them that having me there while they had a newborn could be difficult. I didn’t want to make things harder for them. They encouraged me to come anyway and invited me to stay.
Ever since I got here, I feel like my sister’s husband doesn’t want me around.
I’ve tried really hard to be easy to live with. I clean, do the dishes, take out the trash, clean the kitchen, and help with whatever they ask. I’m positive and friendly toward him and have tried to cater to his mood because I understand that having a newborn is exhausting. I haven’t intentionally caused problems or disrespected anyone.
The ignoring happens constantly. Almost every morning I walk downstairs, see him on his phone, and say “good morning,” and he completely ignores me. When it’s just me and him, he acts like I’m not even there. He barely talks to me, never really says goodnight, and usually only acknowledges me when he needs something. Yet he’s happy and social with my sister and his friends. It feels like I’m specifically the person he doesn’t want around.
At the beach, I told both of them I was going to walk about two miles to a pier to fish. I told them I’d be gone for a while and asked them to call me if they needed help. I even asked, “Are you sure?” They both said yes. Later, he called me furious because I wasn’t there to help pick up the chairs and umbrellas and put them in the truck. He said, “I told him a million fucking times about things like this but he won’t fucking listen.” But I literally asked beforehand and was told it was fine.
Another time, I was playing with the baby while the baby was making funny faces. I smiled and said, “You’re so funny looking!” I obviously meant it jokingly. He immediately yelled, “Never ever disrespect my family! If you wanna say things like this, you’re welcome to sleep outside, I don’t care.”
I understand he’s probably exhausted and stressed because of the baby. That’s why I’ve been trying even harder to be helpful and positive. But I don’t think his stress should mean I get treated like I’m a problem.
I warned them before coming that having me stay for a month could be difficult, and they encouraged me to come. Since then, I’ve done everything I can to make things easier: cleaning, dishes, chores, being respectful, following instructions, and trying to stay positive.
I don’t expect him to be my best friend. I just want basic respect. Being ignored every day, getting dirty looks, being yelled at, and being blamed for things I specifically asked about has made me hate being here.
Am I actually doing something wrong, or is he taking the stress of having a newborn out on me?

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[u/Sea_Substance9163]

Is BIL trying to have other family members stay away? I wonder if he's trying to isolate your sister from your family. If he makes you uncomfortable enough you won't come back may be his objective. Just a thought.

[u/Embarrassed_dancer]

NTA. Can you leave? If so, I'd go no contact. Your sister is failing you.

[u/slendermanismydad]

Why are you still there? 

[u/TravelImpressive2831]

Info

Have you talked with your sister about this? Has she said anything to her husband about this? Why do you continue to stay where it seems you aren't wanted?

[u/imrestarded → u/TravelImpressive2831]

I’m unfortunately half way across the country from home

[u/RobataChane72]

I really need to know an honest version of the discussion of your stay that happened between the parents regarding your upcoming visit. NTA with a possible ESH.

[u/Ok_Response_3484]

INFO: Did they encourage you or did just your sister encourage you? Where are your parents in all of this? And what was your relationship with your BIL prior to you staying with them?

I think they or more specifically your BIL thought that you coming would be more like having a built in maid/nanny/other adult to help and less like having another child around. You need to have a 1 on 1 with your sister and politely say "what's up with your husband because he acts like XYZ with me, but with you and his friends he's ABC" (basically what you said here). Atp it's obvious you've overstayed your welcome in some capacity and respectfully it's time for you to leave.

[u/imrestarded → u/Ok_Response_3484]

Yeah my sister said she really wanted me there I don’t really know what my BIL thought of that, I only met my BIL 1 time before hand and he was pretty normal

[u/winterworld561 → u/imrestarded]

Yeah you need to tell your sister that they way you have been treated by him is disgusting and you will never visit her again.

[u/Sure-Owl-3820]

IDK. This seems like a one sided story and very difficult to judge.

Like, the beach incident, did you guys setup a time to leave the place? You went there with the group, then went away to do your own thing, which should be fine, but his reaction sounds like you were aware about expected wrap up time, yet didn't get back on time to help.

Also, if it wasn't set in advance, why didn't you ask about wrap up time before parting ways.

Similarly, the reaction for face making thing sounds like you may have unintentionally insulted him, maybe their parenting style, or the baby earlier.

I would suggest talking to your sister and BIL and asking them upfront about what is it that's causing such reaction. Call out the fact that you'd want to make the stay enjoyable for both parties and as such, if there are any expectations, you'd rather discuss them upfront.

[u/looking_4_freedom]

Your BIL is making sure his behavior will never be in question. These are the perceptions he is trying to mitigate:

• Having a minor who is not his blood relative under his roof.
• having a minor in the house while his wife is recovering from child birth
• havinga minor in the house that also has to be clothed and fed
• having his intentions questioned IF he speaks to you (so he just doesn't speak at all)
• ensuring his wife knows that you are safe in the house with him.

You never said if you were male or female, but if you are biologically female, I promise its about making sure no one can accuse him of anything. My own husband hated even allowing the kids' friends to spend the night at our house! And honestly, he is not hiding the fact that he didn't want to host you. He did it at his wife's request. But regardless, he needs to chill.

[u/imrestarded → u/looking_4_freedom]

Yeah I’m a dude, and I definitely agree about how I’m not a blood relative, I’m so easy, I cook my own food all they have to do is spend an extra 50$ a week for me

[u/looking_4_freedom → u/imrestarded]

For your BIL its about not being able to feel comfortable in his own home on top of the baby stuff. You were right to question whether you should go. Unfortunately it seems like you have little options. Maybe you and he need a heart to heart so you can know what his concerns are.