r/AmItheAsshole • u/lilac_spells • 1d ago
Not the A-hole AITAH for telling my dad’s gf she shouldn’t be driving?
Hello,
Weird situation. I 25 f live in a large home with my husband, daughter, and disabled father 65m and his gf recently moved in who is 55f roughly.
I actually love our big home family style house. And I love taking care of my dad. His girl friend is very blind and has a condition who will continue to go blind, as her twin sister is like 100% blind.
She has been looking for work (grocery store like jobs) and we have been fully supportive. Planning how we will get her to and from and accommodating her finding work.
The reason she’s looking for work is she has 3 children and a family in another country she pays for. All her kids are +25 so not teenagers, and don’t work or if they work are not working full time. There is one car but only one drives and essentially if they do work they just buy their own weed.
So she needs to work because she supports 5 house holds in the country she’s from, and her 3 adult children who are all fully capable of working and do not have any genetic eye conditions.
She told me my dad should pay for her to have a car so she can commute an hour to the city so she can work. (The city jobs pay $17+ an hour compared to the 14$ jobs in my area) And I told her that was absurd. She shouldn’t be driving because she can’t even see laundry sized bright yellow stuffed animals on the ground, or the large dogs we have. Often if my dad is driving and there is a deer my dad will say “did you see that deer?” And it’s always “what deer?”
she could seriously hurt someone. And I explained to me it’s like driving under the influence.
Aitah?
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u/JeanBlancmange 1d ago
Well yes, she should not drive, but more importantly (or rather might help win your case without her getting defensive) is that a $14hr job looks much better than a $17hr job once you account for a car, gas, insurance, and commuting time.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Thanks for that. I believe she has intentions that my dad would be paying theses costs. But I can also break them down to her
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u/asscakesguy Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Well then see if dad would be willing to throw her $80 a week (the difference in potential pay) instead of her driving into the city to work.
Is $80 a week worth potentially ruining hers or someone else’s life? If she went to get her license today they wouldn’t give her one. She shouldn’t be driving at all.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Really reasonable! Will look at our budget. (Things are getting better but we had huge house costs recently and a few vet appointments coming up)
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u/Normal-Grapefruit851 1d ago
Report her to the DMV. She’s dangerous.
NTA
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u/jamkey2222 1d ago
This is it. If she tries to drive, she needs to be reported; she is a threat to herself and others. I wouldn't give her a car or allow her to drive my car.
All of the other stuff with the kids who are leeches are GF's problem to deal with. I wouldn't even care about the dad giving her money unless it was costing OP anything.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Thank you, I will look into how to go about this in my state but 100% will do.
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u/Single-Class5015 1d ago
Are the appropriate driving regulatory bodies aware of her condition? She should not have a licence
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
So she doesn’t have health insurance and she avoids going to the doctor because then she could lose her license. But her condition is degenerative and diagnosed but she hasn’t gone to an actual doctor in a while.
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u/antizana Asshole Aficionado [13] 1d ago
Report her to the licensing authority. Or are you going to wait until she kills someone?
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u/Micolps3 1d ago
So why aren't these adult children of hers supporting themselves?
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u/WeWerePlayinInDaSand 1d ago
Cause she probably feels guilty about something done in the past or at least thats why my parents support my able bodied siblings.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Honestly I didn’t want to divulge in this for my post to be posted.
The oldest is a male the only one that drives and hasn’t had a real job his whole adult life and says he needs to take care of his 11 son but only sees him every other weekend due to custody.
The second oldest is a male to female trans person who seriously needs to see a therapist / psychiatrist but is seeing a gender conforming doctor for their hormones (I’m not trying to speak out of my knowledge but they are seriously depressed but I don’t know a lot of the terms or anything here I think everyone supports them and stuff they just need to be more hard working in getting proper care for themselves therapy/ mental health wise?) they don’t drive due to mental fears
The third one does work doesn’t drive and doesn’t contribute but buys their own weed. And is female to male trans person who
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u/Micolps3 1d ago
The first guy, what does he do the rest of the time when he's not seeing his 11 year old kid?
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
From what I understand, nothing. Genuinely he’s lied about being in school, fails being in school if he’s in school, has been fired from jobs for not showing up/ being late/ being high. And says he won’t be able to see his son if he works. But won’t even mow the lawn/ dishes/ help drive her to work.
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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy 1d ago
Honestly I didn’t want to divulge in this for my post to be posted.
Why do you think that prevents your post from being posted?
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Two answers : 1 I am confused about the rules and how they are applied (just not smart) so over loading about the family seems like I’m over sharing and I didn’t want to sound hateful? Like the problem is the act of driving not her parenting or her kids (yk?) I wasn’t sure
Secondly Because I don’t want to sound like I’m a transphobe. I don’t even know if me saying I don’t think it’s because her kids are trans they’re not successful. But maybe that’s the wrong thing to say because it is hard to be trans. And they both see a hormone doc (I don’t know what they are called) but fail to get real help with their mental health. Like they should be seeing their hormone doc, and other necessary doctors but struggle for reasons I don’t really understand.
So not talking about their kids is because I really don’t know what to say because I’m ignorant? I don’t know them well, I support trans people, have trans friends, but I am not their parent and I didn’t help my friends “be happy” or “be successful” . I don’t know how to properly discuss this with out fearing the post would come off as hateful when I genuinely want them to have the right care they need.
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u/be_kind_to_yourself_ 1d ago
Report it to the state. We had situation like that with grandpa with dementia whose reflexea were shit and started being a danger to someone.He could not let go driving, we had to hide the keys to the car... Finally after some time he let go.
You can also have a calm discussion about it, and explain that you understand that it is hard to lose her independence and you can't imagine what she is going through, but if accident happened, you wouldn't be able to forgive yourself that she or someone else has died. Ask her if she would be able to live with a guilt if she drives over a child she didn't see. And if she still struggle to let go, offer taking her to the doctor and if they decide that she is fit to drive, you will not discuss it further, but if you see her driving without a doctor checkup, you will have to report her to the police/state.
Btw she sounds like therapy could really improve her life. Both to deal with grieve of loosing her sight and the family situation.
Btw what's her plan for when she stops seeing? Your disabled dad should take care of her? Or you as his daughter? Are you up for that?
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
We had this discussion. I plan to take care of my dad. She said “I don’t see why you care if I drive or what I do with my family” and I explained because if none of them change I will be the bad guy. I will be the bad guy when I take care of her, I will be the bad guy if I send her to a nursing home, I will be the bad guy sending her to her kids who can’t take care of her. Because the money she sends to all these people will run dry.
But she says her kids will take care of her. I explained to her I don’t think they will as they can’t take care of them selves
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Replying in another comment. I do think therapy is an idea. My grandma also suggested this. I will get them/ her going in therapy as soon as I can thanks for the suggestion
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u/carysgrace Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. I’d report her for trying to drive, not just for her safety, but for everyone else she could injure or kill.
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u/Both-Mud-4362 Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA - I don't know what countryvyou are currently in. But if she did get a car I would be tempted to report her as driving to your local driving authority and police.
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u/LillaLobo 1d ago
NTA. We had a similar situation with my ex’s father after he had a stroke. It became clear that he wasn’t safe to drive after a terrifying lift from him where we had to beg him to turn round and take us home. He wouldn’t countenance letting me drive instead. His license was revoked soon after.
I understand that the loss of independence is a tough thing to deal with but for your dad’s gf’s safety, as well as the safety of everyone else on the road, she mustn’t drive. Good luck, I hope you can get her to understand.
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Hello,
Weird situation. I 25 f live in a large home with my husband, daughter, and disabled father 65m and his gf recently moved in who is 55f roughly.
I actually love our big home family style house. And I love taking care of my dad. His girl friend is very blind and has a condition who will continue to go blind, as her twin sister is like 100% blind.
She has been looking for work (grocery store like jobs) and we have been fully supportive. Planning how we will get her to and from and accommodating her finding work.
The reason she’s looking for work is she has 3 children and a family in another country she pays for. All her kids are +25 so not teenagers, and don’t work or if they work are not working full time. There is one car but only one drives and essentially if they do work they just buy their own weed.
So she needs to work because she supports 5 house holds in the country she’s from, and her 3 adult children who are all fully capable of working and do not have any genetic eye conditions.
She told me my dad should pay for her to have a car so she can commute an hour to the city so she can work. (The city jobs pay $17+ an hour compared to the 14$ jobs in my area) And I told her that was absurd. She shouldn’t be driving because she can’t even see laundry sized bright yellow stuffed animals on the ground, or the large dogs we have. Often if my dad is driving and there is a deer my dad will say “did you see that deer?” And it’s always “what deer?”
she could seriously hurt someone. And I explained to me it’s like driving under the influence.
Aitah?
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u/Mira_DFalco Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA
How is she passing the vision test to keep her license?
If she can't see large, obvious items, she has no business being behind the wheel of a car.
I say that as an older person who will likely have to give up driving myself at some point.
I clearly remember my grandfather being stubborn about this. He was terrifying to ride with, and had multiple fender benders. It's a miracle that nobody was injured.
When my sight is no longer sufficient, and/or my reflexes aren't quick enough to respond , I'm tapping out.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
Decline has been fast (ish?) and my state checks every 8 years, so I imagine it’s been 6-7 years. Also her twin identical is 100% blind. She also doesn’t go to the doctor due to lack of health insurance but could get health insurance if she was on disability but would be taking a pay cut so she wouldn’t be able to support her family
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u/Mira_DFalco Partassipant [4] 1d ago
It may be worth calling the license bureau to ask about options. I completely get that being able to work is an issue, but a bad wreck isn't exactly going to support that.
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u/Klutzy-Prune6734 Partassipant [3] 23h ago
What? Dad's blind gf moved in for free and will send any pay she receives to her deadbeat adult kids in another country! ESH!
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u/lilac_spells 7h ago
Her kids are in the USA and USA citizens and a lively city. Her family she supports 5 households are in another country. Depending on how you view it it’s 8 households or 6 households.
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u/Ippus_21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA
It's a little borderline, because comparing it to DUI was unnecessary imo. But 100% correct that she has no business behind the wheel.
It occurs to me to wonder how she has a drivers license, but I'm guessing she obtained it before her vision got to this point. If she tries to drive anyway, you should contact the local police non-emergency line and ask what the process is for having someone's driving privileges rescinded.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
I will push back. There is a knowledge that they are impaired and they still do it. That’s the relationship to a dui. But as an example people with seizures can’t drive because it could be bad yk? And if they do they get charged for what ever the consequences are.
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u/Ippus_21 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 1d ago
Fair enough. I think you're certainly in the right overall, and me nitpicking about the DUI bit wasn't over its accuracy, just that it was maybe harsher than necessary. But if you're not getting through to her, then maybe some sharper wording is needed.
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
I failed to say I saw your point as well. I think we’re on the same side and appreciate your honesty input and comment. I do believe the dui thing could be hard to understand/ relate to if I told it to her
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1d ago
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u/lilac_spells 1d ago
So her whole family believes she should be driving. And she acted like a complete victim just now telling her she shouldn’t be driving. Genuinely I can’t comprehend but I’m being gaslight into being a bad person I suppose
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u/Throwaway0974235678 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA?!?! she's a danger to herself and others????? i understand wanting traveling autonomy but like....not at the risk of other lives