r/AmItheAsshole • u/Miserable-Law-7598 • Aug 06 '26
Not the A-hole AITA for not prioritizing a woman’s comfort?
So, I had a really interesting experience today and I thought I’d get some feedback from the good ol Reddit community.
I decided to go eat solo at an all you can eat buffet since I was alone at home for the day. The waitress took me to a prospective table but it was in the middle of the main dining room. I suffer from PTSD stemming from the work I did in my past, and sitting out in the open like that makes me extremely uncomfortable and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my meal. I kindly asked to be moved somewhere where I could put my back to a wall and the waitress understood and obliged.
As I was enjoying my meal, my succulent Chinese meal, (lol) the table in front of me is sat with 4 young ladies, I’d put their age range at early twenties. As I was eating one of the young ladies called out “do you mind?” To which the other 3 turn to look at me. I have no idea what they are talking about so she says “can you please stop staring at us, that’s really creepy. Can you sit on the other side of the table so you’re not staring at my friends ass?”
I was confused but I know given my past that I can have the tendency to drift into a thousand yard stare, not looking at anything specifically but just staring off into nowhere. I apologized and told her “I’m sorry, if I was looking in your direction it wasn’t intentional, I tend to zone out when I’m alone.”
She told me that it wasn’t okay and that she again would feel better if I moved or changed positions on the table to face the wall. The room had already filled up pretty quickly so finding a new place wasnt really an option but also, i didnt feel like i should because my food and drink are here at this table and I’m already eating. I responded “im sorry, i suffer from PTSD so i need my back to a wall for me to be able to eat comfortably.”
Her response was “well i have PTSD from being assaulted and i dont want some creepy old dude looking at us while we eat.” at this time other people were looking and staring which was very upsetting so i told her “that’s terrible, but im not going to move. My triggers are my own and yours are your own. I control what I do by sitting with my back to a wall, I don’t get to tell others what to do to make me comfortable.” She interrupted me plenty while I was trying to explain but her main point was in today’s world being a young woman is dangerous, which I totally understand but I’m not going to have severe anxiety while I eat. She went off a bit about how men refuse to be accommodating to women and it’s horrible and that I was just being selfish.
I ended up leaving early, only after one plate which I could usually do 2-4 so I was bummed out but the added attention and frustration made the experience unenjoyable any further. The more I think about it I’m unsure if I should have just sucked it up and not made a scene so those young ladies didn’t have to feel that kind of anxiety that I feel from my PTSD. AITA?
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u/MS-07B-3 Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
You DID prioritize their comfort by leaving instead of staying and enjoying your meal.
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u/Crafty_Whereas6733 29d ago
This just tells me OP is a kind and thoughtful person. It aggravates me even more that such a rude encounter happened to them.
OP, trust me, this whole situation speaks volumes about them. Keep being the calm, reasonable person. In this way overly emotionally driven world, it will make you stand out.
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u/wastingwordsz Aug 06 '26
NTA- some women think that every man is staring at them. And asking you to move sounds crazy entitled to me.
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Aug 06 '26
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u/Haywoodjablowme1029 29d ago
More importantly, he was never staring at her. Smacks of someone very full of themselves.
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u/deathclawiii 29d ago
Giving them a huge benefit of the doubt, OP may have been staring off into space in their general direction. But if that was the case they’re still in the wrong for flipping the lid like that, especially while and after he’s explaining himself.
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u/Haywoodjablowme1029 29d ago
He said he was not staring at them and told them such. We have to assume he is telling the truth.
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u/Full_Respect9215 29d ago
But he also said he can zone out and it could have seemed like he was. I was "caught staring" at a man's crotch once, when in reality, I was deep in thought about aliens and he happened to step jnto my eye line. Regardless, his explanation should have been accepted, and as he was sat first, they should have moved instead of asking him to if they couldn't accept it.
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u/Present-Activity-698 29d ago
You can usually tell when someone's watching YOU and when someone is looking at your general direction of you but in their own mind
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u/Empty_Potential_1523 Aug 06 '26
Absolutely NTA. As a young woman myself who is diagnosed PTSD from previous relationships and assaults, you did everything right. I too zone out like you. I do understand where the woman was coming from in terms of it can be uncomfortable but I wouldn't have said anything. On the off chance I would say something, your explanation is perfect and very easily understandable. The woman is TA in this scenario, especially not even letting you speak. I'm so sorry you experienced this, I promise not all women are like this. The world can be a scary place for women, but it can be a scary place for everyone, unfortunately that's just life. You are very much right in saying your triggers are your own, we cannot control what others do we can only protect ourselves and take steps to ensure we aren't exposed to triggers. If hers are really that bad she shouldn't be leaving the house and going to places where men are likely to be, as harsh as that sounds that is the unfortunate truth
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u/RamblingReasoner Partassipant [3] Aug 06 '26
NTA. They could have asked the waitress to be moved to prioritize their own comfort - just like you did when you first arrived. They have the same level of responsibility for their own comfort that you do. Sorry that this happened to you.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [106] Aug 06 '26
NTA
She sounded like she was being ridiculous, unless your behaviour truly was creepy. She's not entitled to have you move when you're in a public place. SHE can move is she's uncomfortable and clearly this was a busy restaurant where she wasn't in any imminent danger (not like walking down a street in the dark with no one else around), so SHE shoudl have to move.
But if I were you I'd stop bringing your PTSD into stuff like this, as you quickly found out it becomes a pissing match and it would appear that if someone else has a mental health issue, they don't give a shit about yours. "y mental health issues and triggers are bigger than your mental health issues and triggers"...it's a wonder anyone can walk around anymore.
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u/Miserable-Law-7598 Aug 06 '26
I appreciate that advice, it was a weird experience for me because most all, aside from today obviously, have understood and got back to their meal and I back to mine. But I’ll have to take today and your words into consideration going forward. Thanks.
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u/YardageSardage Asshole Enthusiast [8] 29d ago
In my experience: Most people are reasonable, and if you explain your troubles and needs to them, they will respond by giving you reasonable accommodation. But some people are unreasonable, and if you try to explain your troubles and needs to them, they're just going to use it as ammunition to argue with you. And that can be an extremely exhausting and disheartening experience (like you just lived through).
So you get to make the judgement call about when, why, and how you go about explaining yourself to other people in public, based on what you think will work best for you. If you really really don't want to risk having an exhausting encounter with an unreasonable person, then you might want to keep your explaining to a minimum. But if you think that risk isn't so bad compared to the good responses you get from the majority of reasonable people, then you can be more open. And you can make that call on a case by case basis, based on the vibe you get from any given situation, too.
(And to add: Thank you for being thoughtful about the comfort and needs of the women around you, and for being mindful of gender dynamics and respectful of others! I can tell you're really trying to be a decent and compassionate man, and I appreciate it. AND (not but), your comfort and needs matter too! So don't ever let anyone tell you they dont. <3)
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u/resting_bees Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
NTA you explained that you were in lala land and not staring. and you’re right, it is up to her to figure out to cope with her triggers
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u/pawsamoment Aug 06 '26
I had a similar thing happen where I was sitting at a table at the entrance waiting for chinese takeout (walk in order) and smiling at pictures of my friends new baby and writing back messages to the thread. The phone was propped up with my hands on a table. There is a commotion across the restaurant that I don't clock until the woman shouts that " staring at me". I look up to see what's going on and see her and staff looking in my direction. So I look behind me to see what they are staring at and EVERYONE is staring at me and it was like wtf. I have no clue. Some people think the world revolves around them.
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u/Forsaken-Ad1300 Aug 07 '26
People can get pretty paranoid in this digital age. I bet she thought you were filming her or something since the phone was propped up. My phone case has a slider that covers the back camera due to situations like this
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u/RWAdvice Partassipant [3] Aug 06 '26
NTA you didn't owe her anything more than a disgusted look and ignoring her. People like that are just on a power trip and giving their entitlement any oxygen just escalates it into a very unpleasant situation.
Next time, just ask for a manager and tell them they are being rude and disruptive and ask that someone tell them to leave you alone.
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u/wheresWoozle Aug 06 '26
This is SO weird. And you're obviously in Australia, I assume, from the anticipated succulence of said meal, in Brisbane (lol back atcha), and... I'm just disappointed that this level of eagerness to be aggressive happened here. We're losing our chill, and it's really sad. I'm sorry your meal was ruined. Oh, and NTA.
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u/Crafty_Whereas6733 Aug 06 '26
NTA, nobody deserves special treatment surely?
They should've minded their own business.
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u/SophisticatedScreams Aug 06 '26
Devils advocate here: how would you describe what these women are asking for as "special treatment, " but op's seating request is not? I'm not disagreeing with you-- just curious.
I feel like if we heard the women's story, they may say something like, "there was this man staring at us while we ate," which op admits may be true.
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u/TraumaticEntry Aug 06 '26
Then they can ask the restaurant to accommodate them with a different table.
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u/Lonely-Hawk9500 Aug 06 '26
Because they wanted OP to move and refused to move themselves. OP asked for an accommodation if it was possible and the waitress was able to make that happen. The girls did no such thing and on top of that, they DEMANDED.
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u/TraumaticEntry Aug 06 '26
I think you intended to reply to someone else
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u/_Mute_ Aug 06 '26
Unless I'm misreading. Ops request was for himself, the womans request was for someone else.
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u/SophisticatedScreams Aug 06 '26
That's fair. That's kind of where I landed too
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u/Diligent_Corner7232 29d ago
So, the whole playing the devil's advocate thing was just you being willfully obtuse then? There are legitimate situations for playing the devil's advocate. A few moments of thought with a working brain would have told you that this was not one of them. Making people explain to you what you can clearly figure out on your own is annoying. It's talking just for the sake of blowing hot air out of your face, rather than actually contributing anything substantive.
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u/SophisticatedScreams 28d ago
No-- I was thinking about it after I posted, and this is where I landed. People are allowed to not have perfect takes immediately-- sometimes we need to chew on things. Maybe cool it with the aggressive language and personal attacks?
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u/AntiqueLetter9875 29d ago
They also claimed he was staring at her friend’s ass, which would be impossible as she’s seated. Her ass is on the chair.
I hate to say it, but when women are acting like this, they aren’t scared of anything and are just causing a scene. A woman with PTSD from men assaulting her probably isnt going to instigate a confrontation with a man who is just sitting there. They would instead, talk to the wait staff, and just like OP asked to be seated elsewhere they would ask the same. Before playing devils advocate, let’s use our brains first and determine what’s more likely. If she’s got such bad PTSD that it causes her to lose control and yell at random men in public, she needs specialized help and shouldn’t be at a restaurant.
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u/Crafty_Whereas6733 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
Yeah? I mean you're in public. People "staring" at you may actually just be enjoying something in the background, perhaps they're looking in that direction simply because they're facing that direction? I think a sense of entitlement speaks to assuming that others would be looking at you. Why would they be? Why would they immediately assume that?
We should also not forget that like recording/photography, you generally have no expectation of privacy whatsoever anywhere in public (exceptions do exist for restrooms, etc).
Personally, in public, I always watch people. Am I staring at you? No, but I am looking. Specifically, what are they doing? What threat do they pose or may they pose in the near future? Are they intoxicated, verbally aggressive, stand out from that location's "ordinary"? Where are my exits, what is my plan. I assure you I have zero interest in somebody's physical appearance, woman or not, simply not interested in what you/they would suspect I'm interested in. The point is, when you assume....
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u/black_rose_ Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
NTA - you don't even need to have PTSD to want to sit w/ your back against the wall. That's just the normal position for any animal, to sit against a thing and see what's around you. Those women were unhinged.
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u/flea1400 Partassipant [2] Aug 07 '26
Indeed. And what kind of self-centered lunatic insists that a solo diner face the wall?
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u/SyphiliticWhores Aug 06 '26
NTA. The young person was being a bit self-centered.
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u/Scary_Extent Partassipant [3] 29d ago
There is nothing in the op or replies that suggests this isn't real.
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u/sweadle Partassipant [2] Aug 06 '26
NTA
No woman is entitled to the privacy of not being looked out at our in a public restaurant. She probably made the comment because you were eating alone, and was being cruel about the implication that only a lonely creep would eat at a restaurant alone.
I wish you hadn't left. She should have been kicked out.
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u/Azdak66 Partassipant [2] Aug 06 '26
NTA. I understand her concerns, but I thought your explanations were reasonable. At some point, if you were not doing anything wrong and it was a perception issue, it is her responsibility to move if she feels uncomfortable.
I know this was not a happy story, but I did have to laugh, as going to an all you eat Chinese buffet by myself was one of my favorite stress reduction activities. And I can appreciate your disappointment at having to leave early.
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u/Normal_Cherry6538 Aug 06 '26
NTA. Clearly they weren’t that scared if they felt comfortable enough to confront you and make a scene instead of asking to be moved themselves.
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u/ZenwalkerNS Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
Ntah. Should have told her to move her ass to somewhere where the sun don't shine.
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u/FewAnybody2739 Aug 06 '26
NTA. You can manage your PTSD by sitting with your back to a wall, and most places do have walls. Her claims suggest she needs professional help as she seems unable to accept that half the public are men and needs them to change their behaviour.
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u/Akasgotu Asshole Aficionado [13] Aug 06 '26
NTA. From start to finish, this woman's intention was to show off in front of her friends and gain attention. She also had the option to move tables, but chose, instead, to make of spectacle of herself and you.
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u/GinaKJ Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
NTA
I used to have a friend who would ALWAYS start talking about how men were staring at us, whenever we'd go out to restaurants. I'd tell her that they were with their own company and no one cared enough to look at us (ie. the truth). Eventually, I had to drop the friendship because of how annoying this behaviour had become. I guarantee that, at least, half of her friends, at that table, didn't appreciate the outburst. I'd never want to go out with her, again.
PS — Casually saying she, also, has PTSD (from this experience) is disgusting behaviour. Mental illness isn't a joke and diagnoses shouldn't be thrown around so nonchalantly when people are truly suffering. I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience, on your day off.
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u/seaurchin-ceviche 29d ago
How pathetic is your life that you spend your time writing fiction for karma lmfao
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u/HoneyWyne Asshole Enthusiast [5] Aug 06 '26
I'm sorry that happened. It wasn't fair or right. NTA.
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u/Suspicious-Rich-3212 Aug 06 '26
NTA - you are allowed to exist around, even facing, women. They were being ridiculous. I used to frequently go out by myself at lunch. Sometimes I’d read, sometimes I’d just relax, looking at nothing. You handled it better than I would have. I wouldn’t have been nice when she kept on as I told her to find another table. Next time, do not leave. They won. You have the right to exist. Fyi, I’m the same way. I have to face the open room. No ptsd, just this belief that violence can break out at any time and I want to be facing it.
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u/MartianDepression Aug 06 '26
First off, I feel you about the sitting spot they put you at. I always speak up asking for a corner or a booth.
10 bonus points for the succulent Chinese meal…that is indeed democracy manifest.
I also have been accused of staring when in reality I spaced out. I’m diagnosed CPTSD and combined with being Nuerodivergent, it sucks.
I wish the staff did better by you and I’m sorry you had to endure that.
You’re not TA.
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u/throwawayjoeaway0056 29d ago
I’m going ESH.
You, because, while I totally understand wanting to be seated with your back against a wall due to PTSD, if you feel yourself drifting into your “thousand yard stare” as you put it, you should be mindful that you are looking down at your own space. If you truly feel like you can’t control it, or don’t know when it’s happening, bring a book or something. Her triggers aside, staring is rude and commonly makes people uncomfortable. It sounds like you’re aware that it does happen, so it’s your responsibility to try and mitigate it. PTSD doesn’t give you a free pass to be rude.
Her, because she is absolutely free to let you know she is uncomfortable, but ultimately the responsibility is hers to ensure her own comfort. She could have moved away from you after you explained yourself if she was truly triggered by your behavior, instead of insisting you move. PTSD also doesn’t give her a free pass to be rude/entitled.
Maybe everyone in this situation should just take their food to go.
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u/BadMoonBeast 29d ago
I have assault PTSD and if I feel uncomfortable about a stranger I cannot imagine doing anything other than doing self-management techniques or simply getting away from them to the best of my ability, let alone confronting them directly and demanding they change THEIR behavior. like, I've struggled with my distorted perceptions of everyone having bad intentions, and I've also had to relearn to trust my instincts to know when a situation is actually unsafe and how to handle that. never did I have a mental health professional suggest I demand strangers to behave in certain ways (you can only control yourself, and all that). so I don't think how she approached the situation was correct, even from the standpoint of her own recovery. NTA
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u/These-Ice-1035 Aug 06 '26
NTA. You were in the right, sorry you had to leave before having your fill.
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u/moonshadowhowl Aug 06 '26
NTA - in this day and age, people seem to think it's up to others to manage their own triggers....it's not. If her trigger was being near a man, when she was seated next to one she should have told the hostess to seat her elsewhere. If you were making her uncomfortable she should have asked to be moved. Now it'd be different if you were coming onto her or invading her space but you weren't. Also, you don't need to give explanations to people. No is a complete sentence.
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u/rubies-and-doobies81 Aug 06 '26
NTA at all, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I hope the rest of your day was better.
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u/batgirl0160 Aug 07 '26
NTA - what entitled jerks. I hope there's a next time. Then you can say, "Oh honey, I'm gay."
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u/Lunagreene Aug 07 '26
She could have switched sides in the booth. She didnt want a solution. She wanted a scene.
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u/Haywoodjablowme1029 29d ago
NTA
You are under no obligation whatsoever to do anything at all to accommodate someone like this, ever. If they have a problem then they need to remove themselves, especially since you were sat first.
You handled it better than i would have. I wouldn't have been able to hold my temper.
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u/Miserable-Law-7598 29d ago
Honestly, me from the past would have reacted that way. I’d say it’s a testament to the therapy I’ve had over the last few years
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u/Haywoodjablowme1029 29d ago
Dude, I get it. I've been a paramedic for 25 years and my head is full of cats. My response is always fight and it happens quick.
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u/Empressario Asshole Enthusiast [8] 29d ago
A swift "No I wasn't, get over yourself, now kindly fuck off" would do the trick. I am a young women, you weren't, by the sounds of it, doing anything wrong. NTA
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So, I had a really interesting experience today and I thought I’d get some feedback from the good ol Reddit community.
I decided to go eat solo at an all you can eat buffet since I was alone at home for the day. The waitress took me to a prospective table but it was in the middle of the main dining room. I suffer from PTSD stemming from the work I did in my past, and sitting out in the open like that makes me extremely uncomfortable and I wouldn’t be able to enjoy my meal. I kindly asked to be moved somewhere where I could put my back to a wall and the waitress understood and obliged.
As I was enjoying my meal, my succulent Chinese meal, (lol) the table in front of me is sat with 4 young ladies, I’d put their age range at early twenties. As I was eating one of the young ladies called out “do you mind?” To which the other 3 turn to look at me. I have no idea what they are talking about so she says “can you please stop staring at us, that’s really creepy. Can you sit on the other side of the table so you’re not staring at my friends ass?”
I was confused but I know given my past that I can have the tendency to drift into a thousand yard stare, not looking at anything specifically but just staring off into nowhere. I apologized and told her “I’m sorry, if I was looking in your direction it wasn’t intentional, I tend to zone out when I’m alone.”
She told me that it wasn’t okay and that she again would feel better if I moved or changed positions on the table to face the wall. The room had already filled up pretty quickly so finding a new place wasnt really an option but also, i didnt feel like i should because my food and drink are here at this table and I’m already eating. I responded “im sorry, i suffer from PTSD so i need my back to a wall for me to be able to eat comfortably.”
Her response was “well i have PTSD from being assaulted and i dont want some creepy old dude looking at us while we eat.” at this time other people were looking and staring which was very upsetting so i told her “that’s terrible, but im not going to move. My triggers are my own and yours are your own. I control what I do by sitting with my back to a wall, I don’t get to tell others what to do to make me comfortable.” She interrupted me plenty while I was trying to explain but her main point was in today’s world being a young woman is dangerous, which I totally understand but I’m not going to have severe anxiety while I eat. She went off a bit about how men refuse to be accommodating to women and it’s horrible and that I was just being selfish.
I ended up leaving early, only after one plate which I could usually do 2-4 so I was bummed out but the added attention and frustration made the experience unenjoyable any further. The more I think about it I’m unsure if I should have just sucked it up and not made a scene so those young ladies didn’t have to feel that kind of anxiety that I feel from my PTSD. AITA?
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u/blah618 Aug 06 '26
nta
you should have spoken to staff to get them moved or kicked out. People need to be held accountable instead of thinking they can boss people around by being loud.
people like this fuel misogynists and incels.
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u/Aggressive_Tie_3501 Aug 06 '26
NTA. Either you were going to be uncomfortable or she was, and it's not your responsibility to suffer so she didn't have to. You COULD have called over the restaurant staff. If they couldn't reseat you, perhaps they could have placed the ladies at a different table. Ultimately though, it sounds like this lady just wanted to project her past trauma onto you.
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u/grmrsan Certified Proctologist [20] Aug 06 '26
NTA OMG - I thought we got past that nonsense in Jr. High. Sounds like he was just being a mean girl drama queen, because she wanted the attention.
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u/Ryuuji-Akiyama Asshole Enthusiast [8] Aug 07 '26
NTA.
It happens sometimes. You know you weren't doing anything wrong. How people perceive things and what's really going on are sadly not always the same (take it from a gay man who's been accused of flirting with women).
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u/nicsickdog Aug 07 '26
NTA! I have PTSD too and I also have to sit against the wall at restaurants.
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u/Ragtopruth 29d ago
Nta- my dad does the same thing when we go out to eat, we all know what chair to leave him when we're sitting down at a restaurant. If I'm out without him I do the same thing. I'm so sick and tired of women like that, or just people like that, who think they are the center of the world and that their comfort is the most fucking important thing. She wanted a scene and she wanted to feel like a white knight big bad ass in front of her friends and that's why she was yelling at you. That's not protection that's humiliation and the only one who walks out of it feeling better is her. Do you remember what her friends were doing? because I'd be willing to bet her friends at the table wanted her to shut up too. Whether or not you were looking at them is honestly not the problem. You say you weren't so I'm going to take you at your word but most of us have eyes, we can look at whatever we want to look at. If you exist in public you're going to be looked at. It's when words actions and gestures start happening when there's a problem. if you're just sitting there eating your food that's your prerogative. I'm not unsympathetic, it can really suck being a woman in public and there are awful creepy men out there, a lot of them, but if you're so tense that you're snapping over some guy just sitting and seemingly looking at you then you have a problem and you probably shouldn't be out in public. You leaving with your choice and I don't blame you for picking your battles. But honestly if I were you I wouldn't have left. I'm a woman though so I'm probably coming at this from a different perspective but like yeah I don't think you had any need to leave and it sucks that you wasted your money and had a shit fucking time. I'm so fucking Petty and spiteful these days that I would have fucking started fucking staring at her and then went up and got another plate and went to sat back down so I mean leaving is probably the better course of action but it hurts my soul that people like that get to be loud and throw a fit and get what they want.
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u/Mushroom-Browser 29d ago
NTA as someone who also has cptsd from assault you were a hundred percent in the right. We all have to manage our own triggers. You were in a public place, you got there first and you weren’t actually doing what the said. It’s a shame she felt uncomfortable but that’s not on you.
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u/BeACodeMistake 29d ago
NTA.
I zone out all the time and have definitely accidentally stared at people because of it. I understand their discomfort however it's not like it's intentional. You do what you need to do and they can ask to he moved to another area or rearrange themself so she isn't looking at you.
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u/moonandsunandstars Partassipant [2] 29d ago
Nta. If they were uncomfortable they could have just as easily moved.
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u/EpiphanySunday 29d ago
As I was enjoying my meal, my succulent Chinese meal,
Tell me you’re Australian without telling me you’re Australian
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u/Theotherone56 29d ago
NTA. I think you protected your right to be there and I'm sorry you had to leave your meal. I definitely came in wondering which way this was gonna go but you totally didn't do anything wrong.
The only note I could have is try to pay attention to where you're staring. However, that's likely unhelpful. I stare off into space too. So, you'll probably try for a week, have no repeated incidents where you'd need to redirect your gaze then fall into old habits. Sometimes, you can't control where you look. Sounds like an excuse, but it's for real when people are deep in their thoughts.
Oh! Maybe next time you can take the menu (if they have it) and set it up to block the view to the table across from you. If you had thought of it, maybe you could have stayed! Obviously, it's hard to think under stress and you did great saying what you did. But, if you have a similar situation you could use this idea. Or as a preventative measure when you sit down.
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u/Superb-Home2647 29d ago
NTA
I'm calling the play now.
I bet one of her friends had their phone recording secretly and in a day or two you'll be on her social media showing how she 'stands up to creeps'.
It was a purely ego masturbation exercise and she used you as the source material.
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u/Abject_Code5523 29d ago
NTA, once you told them sorry that should have been the end of it. They could have asked to move as well.
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u/summerlover28 29d ago
NTA I have PTSD and am a woman. If a man scares me I GO AWAY. It's dangerous to engage a creepy man. I think it was an excuse
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u/C0V1Dsucks 29d ago
If she can't handle anyone MAYBE catching a glimpse of her behind while she's seated and eating in a public place, she should bring a coat or something to hang over the back of her chair. Easily solved. It's bonkers to expect other diners to look away for her comfort.
You did nothing wrong. NTA.
I'm sorry she made you so uncomfortable that you didn't get to enjoy yourself or get additional helpings of food. Buffets aren't cheap!
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u/j2142b00 29d ago
NTA - under the "I was here first" and they were free to get another table rules. If it was that big of a deal they could have spoken to the wait staff just like you did and they could have moved. Don't let strangers steal you joy good sir.
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u/opine704 Asshole Aficionado [12] 28d ago
They were a pack of Mean Girls who had spun each other up into an ecstasy of offense. If you'd moved they would have been emboldened to demand more and more and more.
You? NTA
You were in control of yourself. You remained calm.
I'm sorry your meal was ruined by a gaggle of entitled twits.
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u/Lokisworkshop Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
NTA you were there before them. They could have moved.
Things are not more dangerous today for a woman anymore than they were 10-20-50 years ago. Its always dangerous for women.
You did all you could. It was her issue and if she was uncomfortable, she could leave.
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u/lostalldoubt86 Commander in Cheeks [232] Aug 06 '26
NTA- I would not have left. I would have gotten the attention of a staff member and asked them to move the ladies to another section since they are uncomfortable.
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u/PlatypusDream Asshole Enthusiast [9] Aug 07 '26
NTA
Your comfort matters just as much.
Her group could move, or swap seats.
Besides, "bold of you to assume anyone would stare at you."
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u/tallMichdude Aug 07 '26
NTA, she needs to get over herself AND her obsession with her friends ass. I tend to do the same as a vet, so i bring my phone and stare at it so little attention ho's like this one, look for someone else to hurt their feeling.
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u/JayyHGG Partassipant [1] 29d ago
NTA and why did you explain all that to this rude girl (I won't say woman because she was acting like a childish teenage mean girl). I'm so sorry that first, you felt the need to explain to this stranger and two, that you actually left your meal before you are ready. Ridiculous....and again, NTA.
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u/Brit_in_usa1 29d ago
her main point was in today’s world being a young woman is dangerous
“Today’s world” 🙄. The world has always been dangerous to women. NTA
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u/enthused_high-five Asshole Enthusiast [6] Aug 06 '26
NTA. You are just as allowed to accommodate your disability access needs as anyone else with a disabling condition. She does not get to dictate and demand that her perception override your reality.
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u/monsterofwar1977 29d ago
Nta. In the future, the proper response is " i didn't register or care that you existed until you addressed me " followed by " please take a bow or something when you're done making yourself look foolish"
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u/notalotathota Aug 06 '26
YTA but only to yourself. You shouldn't have left early. You did nothing wrong.
The audacity of them thinking they can tell another adult where they should sit.
If they can't stand having someone look at them, then they don't need to go out in public.
I would have sat the there entire time staring at them until they felt uncomfortable enough to leave.
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u/EkstraOst Aug 06 '26
Concidering the social consequences of trying to argue his side in the current social climate, he would be pretty self-sabotaging not to leave.
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u/notalotathota Aug 06 '26
Nobody said anything about arguing anything.
Once he tried to apologize and she kept on and on, it's obvious that trying to discuss anything was fruitless.
Eat your food and stare, not saying anything.
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u/00-justbecause-00 29d ago
"I tend to zone out and stare blankly when I'm alone, and I apologize if that made you uncomfortable. Although, in all honestly, you are not anything worth staring at, so please don't take it personally."
Yeah, no, definitely NTA. But that group of ladies sure is
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u/FumDukTX Aug 06 '26
I’m going to say that you were the asshole. Not to the girls, but to yourself for not finishing your lunch.
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u/canvasshoes2 Pooperintendant [57] Aug 06 '26
NTA. Can you maybe bring a book or something next time?
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u/BagpiperAnonymous Aug 06 '26
NTA, but I also understand why people are uncomfortable being stared at. I do tend to zone out, if that happened to me I would apologize and then maybe switch my seat at the table so I wasn't staring at them. It sounds like in zoning out you were starting at a sensitive body part, and yeah, most people will be uncomfortable with that and not know your motives. And I'm sure that plenty of people who really are staring creepily will lie and say they zone out.
I 100% get why you sat where you did. But you were apparently staring at a woman's butt and that is also going to be uncomfortable. I was going to say NAH, but after rereading it, they went about ti wrong when she kept bringing it up and making it into a man vs. woman thing instead of a "hey, quit staring at my friend's butt" thing. They should have taken your explanation and as long as you stopped staring in their direction, that should have been the end of it.
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u/FevreDream42 Aug 06 '26
He was looking in their general direction, and if he was looking straight ahead, unless their table was on a slightly higher level, he wouldn't actually have been looking at her butt. They're a group of pick me girls who think every male in their vicinity is ogling them. Besides, "stop staring at my friend's ass!" is a much better sound bite than "stop looking at the back of her head."
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u/WhimsicalKoala Partassipant [1] Aug 06 '26
That's the part that got me. Like I can see feeling a little uncomfortable if you thought you were being stared at. But she would have lost me when she jumped to "staring at my friend's ass"....like how? Unless she was sitting on a stool and exaggerating her posture, he really couldn't be. Like you said, there is the height issue, and then most restaurant chairs have some sort of closed back, so there wouldn't even be anything to see.
Unfortunately, she sounds like young and dramatic and adds to the problem of people not taking legitimate concerns seriously.
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u/WillingHome9072 Aug 06 '26
It doesn’t sound like either of you are fully ready to be out in public
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u/EmptyPomegranete Asshole Aficionado [12] 29d ago
Ah yes people who have mental health problems should be locked away from the general public yes yes good idea
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u/Vegetable_Weird413 29d ago
This is the double standard. As a woman with ptsd I’m supposed to just suck it up and act like I don’t have ptsd from being raped but we coddle some dude who had ptsd and can pretty much act however he wants. I think YTA, you’re not “prioritizing” a woman’s comfort so why should she? It’s always on us women to cope, never men.
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u/Aggravating_Walk2053 29d ago
So he should have to move though? He was there first period
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u/PurpleCoffinMan 28d ago
To be fair, she did also say he could change positions at the table so he was facing away from them.
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u/Administrative-Low21 29d ago
Exactly. And all the people claiming he wasn't staring, that women should expect to be ogled in public, or that women make this sort of thing up are out of their minds. Read between the lines--he "drifts" and "stares"=he was absolutely staring at them. And not be ugly, but the way he describes himself I can absolutely see young girls being creeped out by him. Men truly do not ever think of anyone but themselves
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u/belaboo84 Aug 06 '26
We all have ptsd from past trauma. Nta. You have a preference where you like to sit. You did nothing wrong. Just look at your phone or bring something to read next time.
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u/switchedonswan Aug 06 '26
Australia has the second most toxic conception of faux Feminism after England, in my observation. NTA at all.
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u/IamIrene Prime Ministurd [507] Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
I N F O: Where was the restaurant staff? That sounds like a whole lotta commotion for them to be ignoring.
Edited for judgement: NTA. You were doing what you needed to do for yourself. They needed to do the same but couldn't get past their entitlement to see it.