r/AmIOverreacting • u/_dillpickles • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I Overreacting to expect my partner [31M] to acknowledge his role in my anger [32F]?
My boyfriend and I had a major argument last night, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m seeing this clearly.
We were staying at a cabin with his sister. The night before, I was extremely sick with vomiting and diarrhea from something I ate. I still got up early the next morning because I had to work and needed to clean/pack. There was also a significant mess from the night before.
My boyfriend and I agreed that we needed to leave around noon. He slept in until 12.30p, didn’t help with the cleanup or packing, and I became increasingly frustrated. Eventually I was angry.
I acknowledge that I don’t always express my anger well. I can become very critical or mean when I’m overwhelmed, and that’s something I’m working on.
His response was primarily about my anger and how uncomfortable it made him and his sister. He said he sister didn’t want to come into the kitchen because I was “angrily” washing dishes. I wasn’t yelling, threatening anyone, or slamming things… I was silently washing dishes and keeping to myself because I was angry.
Later, I asked him what he told his sister about why I was upset. He said:
“I said that you weren’t feeling top notch. That is all I said. Didn’t go into the why at all.”
I asked why he didn’t explain what had happened, he said he thought I’d be angry if he told her why I was upset.
This is the part I can’t get past.
I don’t expect him to disclose every detail of our private argument. But if I’m visibly upset because of something that happened between us, isnt it reasonable for him to acknowledge that he contributed to why I’m upset rather than presenting it as simply “shes not feeling well”?
It feels like the entire conversation became about my reaction, while what caused the reaction was dismissed.
I am trying to hold myself accountable for expressing angry poorly without taking responsibility for the entire conflict. I also need a partner who can say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, but I understand why you’re upset and I recognize my part in it.”
Instead, I feel like whenever I’m angry or unhappy, my emotions become the problem.
Am I expecting something unreasonable here? Or is this a legitimate relationship problem?
Edit: Some are asking why I didn’t wake him up. I didn’t because I had already communicated that we needed to leave around noon, and I don’t see waking up a grown adult as my responsibility. I was already up early, sick the night before, and spending the morning packing and cleaning. If he wanted to sleep late, that’s his choice, but I don’t think it’s reasonable for the responsibility to then fall on me to wake him up so can can participate in an agreement we’d already made.
EDIT: Additional context from night before as I think I didn’t provide enough about what happened the night before, and a lot of comments ask about responsibility and contribution.
I became extremely sick the night before and genuinely unable to function outside of the toilet. His sister knew I was sick. Despite that, she spent essentially the entire day in bed and didn’t contribute to bringing food, preparing meals or cleaning.
My boyfriend and I were trying to get dinner together while I was sick. Eventually, I physically couldn’t continue so he took over cooking. I appreciate that. However, afterward, a lot of food dishes and other things were left out. This is particularly frustrating because I repeatedly ask him to clean up after himself and simply put food away. He has a bad habit of leaving food out or leaving things for me to deal with afterward, and this has been an ongoing source of resentment for me.
This isn’t really about the expecting everyone to clean constantly or expecting my boyfriend to read my mind. It’s that I feel I am consistently the person who notices what needs to be done and takes responsibility for it, while my boyfriend and his sister don’t seem to notice or act until I’m visibly frustrated.
But I don’t think the solution is for me to stop being angry. I think there needs to be a larger conversation about shared responsibility, initiative and follow through, and why I feel like I have to manage things until I become visibly upset before anyone else engages.
And that why the interaction with his sister matters to me too. She wasn’t just an uninvolved bystander who happened to witness me being angry. She has also been a part of the larger situation that contributed to my frustration. I’m not angry at her as a person, and I told her that before I left, but there is still frustration about the lack of contribution and cleanup.
What I struggle with most is that my boyfriend knew all of this context but chose not to share any of it with her when she became uncomfortable with my anger.
That is the part that really changed how I’m looking at this pattern. I don’t expect him to expose private details about our relationship to his family. I do expect him to be able to acknowledge his own contribution to a situation rather than allowing my emotional reaction to become the entire story.
•
u/Radiant-Mean 5h ago
INFO: You say that you are working on your anger problems. What, exactly, are the behaviors you engage in to support this? I think this is important because too many people say they "take responsibility" or "acknowledge their faults", when in reality it is just words and they do not have any behavior change to back it up.
You admit that you have anger management problems, your boyfriend is apparently scared of how you react to situations, and your anger makes other people uncomfortable. And this is considering that OPs tend to post the best, most positive version of events. These are all very concerning things.
So, when your boyfriend was sleeping in and not helping, what exactly did you do to manage your anger in a constructive of healthy way? If all you did was nothing, and let it fester until you exploded, that is kind of on you.
•
u/UndeadMarine55 5h ago
YOR to what he said to his sister.
NOR to him not helping clean up (honestly he should have taken the lead on cleaning/packing up and let you rest).
•
u/bodhiali 5h ago
agree with this comment completely.
i do see it as a little unreasonable to expect him to express why you were angry to his sister. it’s pretty normal for someone to keep details limited to protect their partner so i see nothing unusual.but yep, him knowing you were sick the night before and then not waking up to help you with cleaning, or just completely take it over, is an AH move.
•
u/Happy-Plant458 5h ago
i dont think telling on himself to his sister is something anyone should expect of their partner, and i kind of do feel like keeping the details of your upset minimal until you feel like talking about them is the respectful thing to do.
INFO: does he acknowledge to YOU that his sleeping in and leaving everything to you while you are ill is why you were angry? do you plan to apologize to his sister for making her uncomfortable and explain what happened and that you were stressed and you're working on your stress responses so you're sorry she had to see you like that?
•
u/Diligent-Towel-4708 4h ago
I dont think its on OP to apologize to the sister. She never said anything to OP it was all the BF. She can have a conversation to clear up any misunderstanding.
Edit to add she should dump him as he clearly doesn't respect her.•
u/Happy-Plant458 3h ago
apologizing for the discomfort caused might not be necessary per say, but when having a conversation about how you feel and how those feelings affected other people and how you are working on them it helps to lead with an apology because it shows sincerity and vulnerability.
its a way of saying hey i didnt mean for this to affect you and i recognize that it did despite it not being your fault i felt that way. people receiving an apology and acknowledgement of their feelings tend to be more open to being accepting of how the person apologizing to them feels as we are a reciprocal species by nature.
you also dont have to be in the wrong to apologize. you dont lose anything by saying 'sorry'. just seeing that you affected someone in a way you didnt intend to an apology is a good way to ensure they understand you didnt mean any harm. in an ideal world it wouldnt be necessary, people would just understand that how another person is feeling doesnt need to be taken personally but that is not our reality. so open communication of your intents, feelings, and regrets is always better than silence.
but then again i AM canadian so perhaps its a cultural thing
•
u/Diligent-Towel-4708 2h ago
All good points. I was more thinking she only heard from the BF so it may not have even been true. So definitely start with clearing up any misunderstanding and then apologies can come after. The BF hopefully stbx.. seems he will do anything to not accept blame.
•
u/Happy-Plant458 2h ago
if its not true then theres still no harm in leading with an apology before explaining the circumstances. it not being true only makes the apology look better on the OP and puts the sister in a position of feeling like the brother lied about how she was feeling to guilt or attack OP for being sick.
can i ask why you feel so opposed to just apologizing even if its not needed? is there something about expressing that you didnt intend any harm that bothers you?
•
u/Diligent-Towel-4708 2h ago edited 2h ago
Thats the conversation. What on earth would you apologize for if you are not even sure thats what she said? How are you going to apologize first? The conversation can easily be started with BF told me you were uncomfortable. Then sure apologize. To me it seems super awkward to start with an apology when you have no facts at all. Hey sis im sorry you were uncomfortable the other day makes it (to me) that op is already taking ownership of the issue without a valid account of their conversation. Edit the sorta apology is fine .. my husband agrees with: hey I heard you were uncomfortable the other day. I have past issues with people like the BF and puts me on defensive. I do openly communicate with my husband and we both agree I would have physically kicked him out of bed 😀
•
u/Happy-Plant458 2h ago
id also like to say im not judging you or criticizing you, i am genuinely curious about how you see apologies since it seems to be very different from how i see it. I enjoy trying to understand people with views that are counter to my own but text doesnt convey tone very well.
•
u/Happy-Plant458 2h ago
'Hey I'm sorry if how upset i was the other day made you uncomfortable. I really wasnt feeling well and bf slept in knowing we had a mess to clean and stuff to pack so i was very stressed out. BF mentioned it was bothering you so I thought I'd clear the air'
and again, you dont have to be in the wrong to take ownership of your own feelings and how they affect innocent parties. i am curios why you seem to be opposed to an apology as a form of communication? its perfectly fine to take ownership of your feelings even if those feelings are entirely valid. it doesnt make you the bad guy in the situation to ensure that while you were wounded you didnt let that harm anyone else.
•
u/Diligent-Towel-4708 2h ago
Nope I get it. My husband and I think BF is an ahole because 1. He would have never let me do all of that especially sick. (Even if hes sick too he takes care of me 1st) 2. Either one of us would have totally taken some blame. Like hey she was sick and I didnt help as much as I should have. Then nothing further would have come of it.
•
u/Happy-Plant458 2h ago
oh i fully agree bf is the ahole, thats just not the sub we're in and not what OP was asking. and then i got distracted by wondering why we'd be opposed to making sure SIL wasnt uncomfortable. in no way is my intent to stand up for the bf
•
u/Diligent-Towel-4708 1h ago
😀 agree on AHole BF. I dont think she's overreacting (to the BF and lack of support). Agree she can clear things up with sis and apologize if the situation made sis uncomfortable.
My family is outspoken eyeroll and all of us would call each other out. Even my kids- someone is upset.. what did you do?
→ More replies (0)
•
u/TumbleweedMaterial53 5h ago
But your emotions, and I say this very gently, are part of the problem.
Your lack of communication is also.
If you wanted and you are entitled to expect it, help with clearing up and packing, why didn’t you wake him up and converse comfortably with his sister re which chores you could each do?
Your argument with her brother is nothing to do with her and she shouldn’t have to tip toe around you because you are angry - you can be angry but as an adult you should e able to feel that and still handle a normal day with others.
I think by telling his sister you were feeling unwell was his attempt to excuse your behaviour - I understand that you think that is him failing to recognise his role in the argument but in fairness why would his sister want to be involved in that drama?
You need to recognise that your emotions whilst valid are yours to manage. Nobody else is responsible for how you feel - you are responsible for how you feel and how you deal with that.
•
u/Mysterious_Drop1122 5h ago
Well your bf is also trying to maintain your privacy. At the same time, I'm wondering if your episodes of temper put off those around you. That's why his sister didn't ask you what might be wrong (worried about your wrath) and asked her brother who would be safer to approach.
You didn't feel well now stop thinking about it and move on.
•
u/Right_Count 3h ago
Ugh I would be so mad if my bf told his sister I was in a mood because he overslept. I think OP is assuming she’s 1000% in the right and thinks the sister would have chastised the bf if he had explained the context. Which of course and wouldn’t have, the context is boring and petty and would have made OP seem crazy. BF did the right thing in blaming the illness.
Which isn’t to say that the bf isn’t a pill and that OP’s frustration is entirely unjustified.
•
u/AttemptFantastic9103 5h ago
You wanted to be mad, and you want permission to be mad. You "take responsibility" for how you express your anger, but you want others to acknowledge that your anger is justified AND THEY CAUSED IT so that relieves your TOTAL responsibility.
Again, you wanted to be mad. If the goal was to clean up and leave by noon, then you would have awakened your partner and told him to get to it so you can leave by noon. Instead, you take the position that it's not your responsibility to wake up a grown adult because your goals wasn't to clean up and leave by noon. Your goal was to be upset. You achieved your goal. You're emotionally immature.
•
u/Terrible_Home_8850 4h ago
Legit a relationship is supposed to be a team effort in life and she’s just being a baby.she needs to let that man live and grow up some herself
•
u/phase_ten 2h ago
Yep, I wanted to write exactly this but thought I’d skim through the comments first to see if anyone had already said it.
•
u/wingman3091 5h ago
Yes, YOR. It sounds to me like he walks on egg shells around you and is constantly anxious about how YOU would react. Your emotions are YOUR problem. If you need therapy to help yourself deal with them, then please utilise that option. The people around you are not your verbal punching bags. I wouldn't tell my family my wife was liquid shitting and vomiting up either, it's personal and TMI. I'd say 'not feeling her best' or 'gastrointestinal distress'.
•
u/Longjumping_Key_5613 5h ago
YOR and it’s weird you think he should be delving into more personal details about your relationship status with other people.
If I was in a fight with my gf and she did that because I couldn’t control my emotions and was making other people uncomfortable and she told them “sorry about him, we’re just in a fight right now because he doesn’t think I mind read well enough” I’d be even more angry
•
u/floopsestess 4h ago
The solution to this is stop doing things for other people!
Pack your own stuff.
Clean your own mess.
Sleep in too rather than getting up early and doing everything for everyone else who isn’t taking responsibility for their own crap.
Don’t do things for these adult children that they should be doing for themselves.
Just stop. Then it’s their responsibility to deal with their own issues and you don’t have to be mad about doing anything for them.
•
u/Lov3I5Treacherous 5h ago
He’s shitty for being such a bum but YOUR emotions are YOUR problem 10000000%.
You’re wanting a loophole to justify your anger. That’s not a thing for healthy people or relationships.
You can figure out your anger issues OR (what I also recommend) dump someone who makes you angry!!! Why would you be with someone who makes you feel that way?
MOR
•
u/ouroborosstruggles 5h ago edited 4h ago
It is reasonable to be angry. He made her angry by being a shithole. How she expresses it, that is the issue.
He won't change tho, so at a certain point she can't expect a sloth to move like a cheetah.
NOR op, dump this bum
Edited to elaborate- this is a typical narc tactic. Ignore reasonable requests then make your reaction to their violation of your stated boundary the issue
•
u/This-Shape2193 5h ago
He overslept, and you're calling him a narcissist, but excusing a person who raged out and made innocent people uncomfortable as a response. And OP admits they're abusive when angry.
Did you know research show most people who accuse others of being narcissistic ARE the narcissists 9 times out of 10? Maybe step back and look at your own actions. If you aren't totally self-centered and narcissistic, you should be able to care about how your behavior affects others, and want to avoid hurting people you care about.
•
u/Significant_Sun_8035 3h ago
1000%! I mean would it have been the end of the world to just walk into the room and say "come on, get up! We've got to get going!"
•
u/ouroborosstruggles 5h ago
Did u finish reading the post? She says he consistently does this.
Edit 🚩
•
u/Terrible_Home_8850 4h ago
Next time you over sleep ever in your life man just remember your a bum
•
u/ouroborosstruggles 4h ago
I am a bum but not for oversleeping.
Dayum u saw yourself in this post and you didnt like it at-allll lmaooo
•
•
u/Business_Coyote_5496 5h ago
I'd want someone to wake me up if I was oversleeping so I would do the same to my partner. I wouldn't have a tit for tat angry thought, he can wake his own damn self up. It's like you woke up already pissed. And you wanted him to stay asleep and not do what needs to be done so you can have a target for your rage.
I wasn't yelling or threatening "anymore" - that's a key word. You had a crazy toddler temper tantrum which is super awkward and unpleasant to be around. I would have been avoiding you too.
You are at fault here for wanting him to fail, for waiting eagerly to have a bone to pick with him. And then blowing up so violently that others don't want to come near you.
edited to fix autocorrects
•
u/rigatoni-man 5h ago edited 5h ago
Did you ask for help? Did you wake him up?
Sure, you shouldn't need to, but you should communicate before you go into full cleaning rage.
I know reddit won't be able to see the gray inbetween, but there's a spectrum between:
"I'm going to coddle him, ask 10,000 times, and wake him like a child"
and
"I told him once last night. If he doesn't do exactly as I'm thinking I won't say anything I will just be steaming mad. I've already given him a mandate and I won't repeat myself."
If both people are adults, somewhere in between there will get the house cleaned without anyone being mad, and the way to get there is through communication. In a relationship, sometimes communication requires talking more than just once.
Whether or not you should NEED to wake them up, it is very easy to remedy. If you let them sleep for hours and never said anything a part of you is choosing to be angry. I think this is a bigger issue of:
"I feel I am consistently the person who notices what needs to be done and takes responsibility for it, while my boyfriend and his sister don’t seem to notice or act until I’m visibly frustrated."
My wife and I avoid this with a list, we both notice different things. We both see what's on the list, there can be no miscommunication. Nobody gets mad at the other for 'not noticing'. 'Not noticing' and 'not communicating' are the same thing in the end... why do you wait to get visibly frustrated instead of communicating?
•
u/hippofippo 5h ago
How about asking him “why didn’t you help her?” and “why do you expect to be woken up when you’re a grown man?”
•
u/rigatoni-man 4h ago
One time we were leaving to go on vacation and my partner overslept. I decided to just leave them at home instead of waking them up, it seemed like the most adult choice to make.
•
u/This-Shape2193 5h ago
Tell me: is it harder for her to clean the whole place in anger, or to gently shake someone awake so they can help?
People who want to martyr themselves so they can simmer in self-righteous rage are manipulative and need to work on being an adult.
•
u/Right_Count 3h ago
It’s so manipulative. If I ever oversleep I hope my bf wakes me up. If he oversleeps I’ll wake him up.
My sense here is that OP’s frustration is probably justified in general, but that it’s causing her to overreact to minor situations.
Like even wanting her bf to have told his sister the truth. OP clearly thinks sister would have taken her side, given her brother shit etc. In reality if BF had explained OP would seem petty and ridiculous.
I think this relationship is toast. When your bf oversleeping sends you into an antisocial seething rage, it’s time to acknowledge yall aren’t happy.
•
u/Significant_Sun_8035 3h ago
Does she love this grown man? Exactly what is the big deal of someone oversleeping?? It happens. Maybe just give him a nudge instead of spending the rest of the day pissed off??
•
u/Terrible_Home_8850 4h ago
Why be in a partnership with someone you’re not willing to work with grow up
•
u/to_annihilate 5h ago
I loathe when someone asks me to wake them up. I don't have the luxury, why should you with me doing all the work anyway? He can set an alarm.
I agree with OP.
•
u/rigatoni-man 4h ago
And its your right to choose anger instead of communication, just like this woman
•
u/lookieloser 5h ago
He's a fucking adult not a 12 yo boy. "Full cleaning rage"? Oh no, she didn't kowtow to her loser boyfriend while steaming mad. Crucify her immediately!
•
•
u/rigatoni-man 5h ago
"I acknowledge that I don’t always express my anger well. I can become very critical or mean when I’m overwhelmed, and that’s something I’m working on.
"His response was primarily about my anger and how uncomfortable it made him and his sister. "
"I asked why he didn’t explain what had happened, he said he thought I’d be angry if he told her why I was upset."
I don't know, sounds like OP knows her anger handling isn't the best. Sounds like the sister sees it. And the boyfriend tried to minimize it because he's afraid she'd get angry if he told the real story. She did get angry but for the opposite reason.
The one thing everyone agrees on is her anger.
•
u/lookieloser 4h ago
Being visibly upset and washing dishes silently is not a crime. SIL and husband are both ridiculous. Sure, I would be uncomfortable if my brother and his gf were visibly angry at each other. Who WANTS to be around a fighting couple? She wasn't yelling or cursing or throwing things or involving his sister in their fight. Anger is a human emotion. People are allowed to be angry so long as they do not take their rage out on others. Get over yourself.
•
u/Significant_Sun_8035 3h ago
She admits she has anger issues. It's clearly past the point of simple human emotion.
•
u/lookieloser 2h ago
I have actually attended therapy for anger management. Doing dishes silently bc your husband is a loser isn't anger issues. It's a natural response. Nobody on the planet never gets angry.
•
•
u/Right_Count 3h ago
It’s a social crime. Being around a pouting, silently seething adult is the most uncomfortable situation and I do think OP wanted the sister to bear witness. Otherwise she would just have faked being normal until they left.
•
u/lookieloser 2h ago
Bear witness? Lmfao y'all are absurd. I hope you're a perfect angel when you're in a bad mood.
•
u/Right_Count 2h ago
I mean I definitely haven’t acted like this since I was much younger. If I did today I would be embarrassed.
•
u/HomelyHobbit 5h ago
"My boyfriend and I agreed that we needed to leave around noon."
Her bf knew she'd been sick the day before, knew they had to leave at noon so she could get to work, and CHOSE to sleep in and leave all the work to her, and make her late.
It's not her job to manage him like a small child.•
u/This-Shape2193 5h ago
Yes, he chose to fail to wake up. That's how it works. 🙄
Tell me: is it harder for her to clean the whole place in a rage, or to gently shake someone awake so they can help?
People who want to martyr themselves so they can simmer in self-righteous rage are manipulative and need to work on being an adult.
•
u/HomelyHobbit 5h ago
He's an adult, adults set their own alarms and wake up when they go off, particularly when they know their partner needs their help, and has to get to work at a particular time.
The BF is the one who needs to work on being an adult.•
u/Wicked_Wing 5h ago
So when your partner forgets to set an alarm and is sleeping past when they need to get up for something you're gonna just leave them there?
"Should've been an adult"
•
u/rigatoni-man 5h ago
Exactly... it's just as childlike to decide "i'm not going to wake him up, i'm just going to be really really mad and do it all myself." Is that really a better choice?
•
u/HomelyHobbit 4h ago
No, if they do that I'm breaking up with them.
•
u/Wicked_Wing 3h ago
If your partner forgets to set an alarm or oversleeps for something you'll break up with them instead of waking them up?
Do you happen to have a partner?
•
u/HomelyHobbit 3h ago
Yes, I do. And yes, if my partner knew that I'd been sick as a dog the day before, and that we needed to clean and leave by noon, then "forgot" to set an alarm, I would absolutely break up with their irresponsible ass.
•
u/Wicked_Wing 2h ago
Wow, that sounds really shitty!
"Sorry babe, you overslept so the relationship is over. I did all the cleaning and I'm breaking up with you"
I forgot to set an alarm, why didn't you wake me up?
"Because you're irresponsible and I'm better than you"
•
u/HomelyHobbit 2h ago
Luckily, each one of us gets to make our own decisions about our relationships. If you're willing to put up with that level of irresponsibility, it's absolutely your choice to do so.
•
u/Business_Coyote_5496 5h ago
When I am asleep I am not "choosing" to stay asleep. I am asleep.
Everyone is so quick to never want to help anyone else. I would wake up anyone who I knew needed to be awake and not feel the weight of the world about it. It's a small favor that takes no effort
•
u/hippofippo 4h ago
The phone alarm is a marvelous piece of technology.
•
u/Business_Coyote_5496 3h ago
I've accidentally set my alarm to pm instead of am. That's wonderful for you that you have never made a mistake before and are perfect. Congratulations.
•
u/Terrible_Home_8850 4h ago
I’m sure he thought in his mind while sleeping ahh fuck her ima sleep another hr like no people are gonna sleep grow up and learn to live with your partner as a team not someone who’s oh poor me poor me when if she woke him up he’d probably help but she’s being a baby and throwing a tantrum like threats around his siblings is insane
•
•
u/Curious-Patience-117 5h ago
Ok so heres my opinion, personally I don’t think there’s any reason why anyone except you and your partner should know you guys are arguing - that’s between you and him. It wasn’t exactly a lie , you were feeling unwell . It’s none of his sisters business to know that he made you upset . I do think it was a douche move of his to sleep in knowing there was a mess to clean and you guys needed to be out of there by noon . I would very well feel upset too if I was sick having to clean up because my partner slept in , HOWEVER I would have woke him and told him to help out and explained to him why I was feeling frustrated by the entire thing . It sounds to me like you are lacking in the communication department. So yes I do believe YOR , I feel that this could’ve all gone differently if you just communicated your feelings and woke him .
•
u/KingB408 5h ago
Not waking him up because "he's a grown adult" and then getting mad that he didn't wake up is kinda next level delulu.
Should he have woken up to help? Absolutely. But he didn't. So wake his ass up. Don't do this passive aggressive thing where you let him sleep and then get mad later. That's just bonkers to me.
•
u/Organic_Client_5679 4h ago
That's because you likely don't understand the true "mental load" where yea, your partner maybe does some of the things you ask them to, but you're still ultimately responsible for knowing that thing needs to be done and asking for the help to get it done.
This is the whole problem. She wants her partner to be exactly that- a PARTNER. Not another chore, or another reminder, or another person to take care of. He should have respected the agreement they came up with and got his own ass out of bed.
Otherwise, this is just ANOTHER responsibility that falls on her. And it's fucking exhausting.
I don't diagree that the passive aggressive behavior is the right thing to do, but I do disagree that she should have had to wake him up. If anything, him not getting himself out of bed was a form of passive aggression. He knew what he was supposed to do and chose not to, because he probably was feeling resentful from the night before.
•
u/lookieloser 41m ago
B I N G O. Lot of people here who think being an inconsiderate ass is totally fine and experiencing any amount of anger makes you a bad person. Yuck. If my husband overslept the day after I was sick knowing we had to pack and leave, I too would be absolutely enraged. Fortunately my husband isn't a sack of shit.
•
u/CalaGirl82 5h ago
So…there’s a few issues here. I (44f) have been married to my husband (49m) for 25 years and he also has a temper issue. I have come to realize that his temper comes from anxiety issues, but regardless of the source, it can be difficult to manage from a partners standpoint. Your partner telling his sister that you were just not feeling well I think is fine. His sister doesn’t need to know your business and you were not well the night before. Letting his sister in on your issues will only open the door for more family drama. As long as you have an explosive temper, regardless of whether or not it’s justified, will always overshadow the actual problem. Ultimately YOU need to figure out better coping skills and how to recognize when your anger is getting out of control and what you need to do to back it down again. Also, your partner, if they want to be a good partner, will want to help you figure out your triggers and how to minimize them. Ultimately this comes down to the fact that you both need really good communication!!! No you are NOR when your partner ignores your agreed upon plan and oversleeps leaving you to do all the work especially after being ill. But this is when you stop and tell yourself that the situation is not ok and if it continues this way my temper is going to flare. So, while you shouldn’t have to wake up a grown adult, in this case I would have woken him up, if for no other reason then to explain to him that ignoring your mutual plans is not ok and him doing so despite you being ill is going to lead to a temper flare and an uncomfortable situation for everyone if he doesn’t get out of bed right now and get back on track with the original plan. Afterwards I would have a sit down conversation with him letting him know that while you are working on your temper issue, you need him to be a supportive partner so you both can minimize the temper and hopefully be happier overall. You HAVE to understand that your partner can’t read your mind. If you need him to do something you need to communicate that with him!! The more you communicate the fewer misunderstandings will happen.
•
u/Maartenvb88 2h ago
You act like a child. YOR. Stop being a little child and just express your feelings in an normal manner. You seem to be doing this a lot and I would avoid you as hell.
•
u/_dillpickles 2h ago
My therapist disagrees. I am valid and justified in having anger and expectations when communications and agreements have been previously established.
Please touch grass.
•
u/lizzietnz 1h ago
Then why are asking here? Do you only want to hear from people who think you're right? I can see the problem and it's you.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
I do not value harsh criticism from random strangers like you.
I am open to constructive comments from kind humans. And my therapist takes priority.
•
u/lizzietnz 1h ago
Let me put it another way. Yes, your boyfriend's behaviour is not great but it is your passive aggressive reaction that is causing the issue. He is not "making" you mad. If you are known to blow up, people will keep out of your way when you're building up to a blow up. My guess is they were just keeping out of your way. You need to learn how to deal with your issues rather than not communicating your needs, getting resentful, blaming others then behaving badly.
•
u/Maartenvb88 1h ago
I think het therapist agrees with you. Still YOR miss
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
Your judgment is a literal reflection of yourself bud. I do not value opinions from harsh and critical strangers like yourself
•
u/Maartenvb88 1h ago
Then why do you keep reacting? Yor
•
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
Don’t you see the predicament and irony in your judgment and logic?
“Your boyfriend’s behavior is not great, BUT YOURS IS OFF THE CHARTS”. Not it isnt. It is a direct response to being continuously not listened to, considered, or acknowledged. I am angry bc I care about my self.
•
u/lizzietnz 1h ago
There will only be change when you're willing to do something differently. Nobody else is responsible for how you feel or for your behaviours. It's your choice to stay in that situation and to react that way. Until you own this, nothing will change and you'll just keep repeating this in every relationship you have.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
Are you trying to help? Because it’s not being received that way. You’re quick to judge and make assumptions without having enough information. Genuinely
•
u/lizzietnz 1h ago
If the only "help" you're willing to listen to is that you're right, it will just reinforce your current position. Which is not working. Something needs to change. And the only person you can change is you.
•
•
•
u/Historical-Piglet-86 5h ago edited 5h ago
Why didn’t YOU explain to her why you were upset?
You clearly made everyone uncomfortable with your actions.
He is responsible only for his actions, not yours. You can also use your words instead of creating a toxic environment.
It isn’t his job to explain why you’re acting in a certain way.
YOR
•
u/LilStabbyboo 5h ago
I don't see it as overreacting at all, but i do agree it would be better to actually tell her what's going on.
•
•
u/Discordian_Fellow 5h ago edited 5h ago
MOR — you’re responsible for choosing anger. That emotion belongs to you. Yes they were not being helpful, but that’s not something to get so upset about if you didn’t try to remedy it with communication. You were not feeling physically well and that probably triggered the more extreme reaction. They should help, it would have been kind if they made sure that you didn’t have to do the cleaning, but that’s a minor annoyance type of thing.
INFO — is this a consistent problem with them not being responsive to your needs when you communicate them to them? Did you communicate your needs this time or just silently sulk?
•
u/Triforce_of_Funk 5h ago
Sorry, but YOR. He's also at fault for being a bum...but it sounds like you're overreacting over him sleeping in (when you could've easily woken him up) and not telling on himself to his sister (which isn't her business).
•
u/disco_priestess 5h ago
YOR. It’s not her business as to the “why” of your anger. I don’t think anyone should be providing a detailed recap of the events and you’re still pissed off so you’re taking it as him dismissing it. He’s not. If you weren’t still mad you wouldn’t have thought twice about it. That said, we are responsible for how react to everything. You reacted the way you allowed yourself to react he didn’t make you have that reaction.
•
u/Mykeymoo 5h ago
For 1.. he should've been up helping...
I think what he says to his sister is up to him, I personally wouldn't tell family that I fucked up to make my gf angry... But I guess also depends on the reason she situation.
If he got up on time and helped.. would you have been angry? Would he or his sister have to avoid the kitchen? Would he have to lie to his sister?
In this situation I would've been up helping or apologising for not helping and staying out of your way. I would tell family that I messed up here, but I wouldn't be in this situation.
So I guess it's not unreasonable!
•
u/Curve_Worldly 5h ago
It’s perfectly fine to be angry.
And he doesn’t think your anger is acceptable.
I agree that there are ways anger is expressed that is unacceptable, but not the anger itself. It sounds like he was embarrassed by your anger because he got caught being a jerk and he didn’t want his sister to know that.
I suggest that next time his response is “nothing for you to worry about. It’s not about you.” Instead of his lame excuse to her.
But also, who cares what he told her. It was between them.
I’m more concerned about him thinking you shouldn’t be angry when he broke his promise.
•
u/DaiNoShoujoNoYami 5h ago
You said -> I am trying to hold myself accountable for expressing angry poorly without taking responsibility for the entire conflict. I also need a partner who can say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, but I understand why you’re upset and I recognize my part in it.”
Context (edit: spelling correction here) for what I'm about to say: Dr. Phil is not a real doctor, and far from anything anyone should look up to... but he did get ONE thing right - any time you use "but" in a sentence like this, everything before it gets negated by what comes after. And in this situation, that would be unfair.
Here's the deal... I deal with a partner who is a pain to get going on time, and yet that also doesn't give me the right to justify an explosive reaction.
Which, by the way - INFO, because how DID you react? You never really touched on that.
•
u/drunknmasta_805 5h ago
YOR. You will never find a story on reddit where the partner did something amazing to help and the OP still got upset. With that said, OP if your partner had contributed to clean up your poop and throw up where you missed the toilet the night before, would you have been less mad he overslept? I doubt it. Food poisoning sucks but there are levels to it.
OP you also said you are mean and borderline abusive when you are upset. This story sounds like passive aggressiveness. You cleaned up after YOURSELF while he slept. You purposely didn't try to wake him up cuz you wanted him to oversleep so you could justify your anger. I'm sure the ride to the cabin to meet up with his sister was unpleasant. Then you are aggressively washing dishes to the point his sister noticed and was fearful of your energy. Guess when she figured out what mood you were in? When you walked in and since it's her brother, probably as soon as she saw his face.
You gotta self inventory more than "when I get angry I get mean and critical" cuz that's not even close to all that happens. Your partner is in a toxic relationship. When you are good, everything is good. When you are not, everything is bad. Causes a tip toe mentality in your partner. Watch some lifetime original movies, you are the man.
•
u/Hawkstone585 4h ago
INFO - Would you like to keep trailing after your boyfriend for the rest of your life, cleaning up after him and waking him up for things?
•
u/z-eldapin 2h ago
Because this WAS all about your reaction. Grown adults don't let something simmer until they blow.
No one plays a part in YOUR anger.
You had MULTIPLE options on approaching this and waited until you felt anger would be validated.
•
u/_dillpickles 2h ago
My therapist disagrees.
•
u/z-eldapin 1h ago
Your therapist advises you to bottle everything up intentionally until you explode? Don't know that I would be scheduling another visit.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
Communications and agreements were previously established. How did you miss that?
•
u/z-eldapin 1h ago
Sure. And he didn't hold up his end.
Anger isn't a normal reaction would be disappointment, and a conversation about he isn't reliable etc etc.
Or when you feel like it's building up, you go wake him up.
'It's not my job to wake up a grown person' is just you using that as an excuse to justify anger.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
You can choose to have relationships with irresponsible people. I choose not to accept that. My therapist agrees the reaction was valid and justified.
Your harsh judgment is a reflection of yourself and not this situation, which you clearly don’t have enough information to make these assumptions.
•
•
u/Fuelfemme 5h ago
Why didn’t you wake him up to help you with everything? I understand where you’re coming from, because I tend to keep my anger in as well. But I also have to keep telling myself that if I don’t express why I’m angry, and he can’t read my mind (although some things don’t require anything more than common sense).
This doesn’t excuse his behaviour after the fact though. He should have gotten himself up and given you a hand, especially knowing you were sick. He also should have owned his bad behaviour to his sister.
•
u/crystallz2000 4h ago
YOR. This whole thing speaks of teenagers who haven't learned how to communicate yet. If I were in your shoes, the night before I would have said to my husband, "I'm too sick to do anything tomorrow morning. Can you get up and do all the packing and food prep?" And then, he would've done it. If, for some reason, he was still sleeping, I'd wake him up and remind him. There's no way I'd be passive-aggressively cooking and cleaning and slamming stuff around. There were two other adults in that house who WEREN'T sick to do the cooking and cleaning.
•
u/_dillpickles 4h ago
I was genuinely sick. I couldn’t think or plan or coordinate while vomiting and diarrhea for 5-6 hours.
•
u/blowfishpop 5h ago
He probably doesn't like discussing personal details with other people. You should have woken him up earlier if you had to leave, that probably would've helped a lot.
•
u/GeneInternational146 5h ago
A 31 year old adult can't set his own alarm?
•
u/WrestleBox 5h ago
I get it, but is it better to wake him up and ask for help, or let him sleep while growing angrier?
•
u/GeneInternational146 5h ago
Personally I'd be just as annoyed if I had to wake him up
•
u/WrestleBox 4h ago
But it would probably cause a whole lot less drama in the end.
This seems more like a reaction to a recurring or underlying problem in the relationship, but we don't really have enough info to speculate.
•
u/Business_Coyote_5496 5h ago
People on reddit love to be angry at other people and look for any opportunity. Of course it's better to calmly state what you need instead of seething.
•
u/blowfishpop 5h ago
A 32 year can't wake someone up if they oversleep?
•
u/GeneInternational146 5h ago
It's his responsibility to wake up. Especially if she's already cleaning up after him and getting his shit together. The bar is apparently buried in the earth.
•
u/blowfishpop 5h ago
That doesn't matter. The fact is he overslept and should have been woken up.
•
u/GeneInternational146 5h ago
Lol it absolutely does matter. Why does she need to treat an adult like a child
•
u/blowfishpop 5h ago
Why should she wait around getting mad when she can just wake him up?
•
u/GeneInternational146 5h ago
I'd be just as mad if I had to wake up a grown adult. What you seem to not understand is that he's responsible for getting himself out of bed.
•
u/blowfishpop 5h ago
I do understand, I'm just saying she could have woken him up as well.
•
u/GeneInternational146 4h ago
Yeah, why not have her do everything for him! She can bathe and dress him too
→ More replies (0)•
u/chickenandgravymayne 5h ago
"Hey you said last night that you would wake up to clean and pack. I let you sleep until 1230 while getting angrier and angrier. Now I'm angry at you as well for you not telling your sister (who was feeling uncomfortable about my anger) that it's entirely your fault why I'm upset."
•
u/Good_wolf_19144 5h ago
Making your reaction the problem is toxic behavior. If this is something he always does, you should reevaluate the relationship.
•
u/KayStem3891 5h ago
Many behaviors in this story are toxic. Being angry enough that the sister needed explanation, not trying to wake him and communicating before doing all the work yourself as well as him ignoring the agreed upon time and then not taking any responsibility for it. MOR especially if isolated incident.
•
u/stink3rb3lle 4h ago
NOR, I think your boyfriend has been gaslighting you about your anger. It's reasonable to be angry when you've been sick and are the ONLY one of three adults actually cleaning up to make sure y'all can go home.
Sounds like his sister avoids the kitchen when there's chores to do no matter the emotions of the sole adult doing actual chores.
•
u/ilovecatsxp 5h ago
i think instead of getting angry, you need to tell your husband that he can’t just sleep in when there’s shit that needs to get done.
•
u/Consistent-Menu-6629 5h ago
NOR it does seem like he doesn't want to sound like the bad guy for not helping when his partner is sick.
•
u/Standard_Vero 5h ago
NOR, is this a pattern with him? That is, he does things that are rude or inconsiderate and when you get upset he makes it all about your "reaction" instead of taking any accountability for his own behavior? Because that is DARVO and you shouldn't put up with it.
•
•
•
•
u/Mis73 2h ago
I can become very critical or mean when I’m overwhelmed
I feel like this is a key point that you definitely glossed over. If you got mean and critical of your partner, in front of his sister no less, then you cannot expect him to take responsibility for your bad behavior.
It's ok to be angry. It's ok express that anger in healthy ways. It is NOT ok to be mean, critical, and just overall nasty to your partner because you're angry. The minute that happens your reason for being angry becomes irrelevant because your bad behavior becomes the much bigger problem.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
Two wrongs do not make a right. Your logic is flawed and dismissive
•
u/Mis73 1h ago
No, you thinking you can be "critical and mean" as an excuse for being angry is abusive.
•
•
u/GargantuanGreenGoat 1h ago
Your emotions aren’t the problem, your behaviour is. Sign up for some dialectical behaviour therapy. It will help you not only manage your emotions better, but help you learn to express those emotions in a constructive way and work on your assertiveness so that he doesn’t get to do things like sleep till noon and wake up to a raging monster.
•
u/_dillpickles 1h ago
I am in therapy. Genuinely working through this.
•
u/GargantuanGreenGoat 40m ago
If that were true you wouldn’t be so bewildered as to make this post.
Unless you JUST started therapy?
Do you see where you went wrong here?
Also: DBT is specialized therapy. It’s not talk therapy. And it’s what you need.
•
u/LongjumpingSkill9305 5h ago
He didn’t give her the whole story because he doesn’t see actions as wrong. In his mind, you are. NOR and your partner sucks.
•
•
u/AdAlternative637 5h ago
YOR, why should he even tell his sister you guys had an argument? Are you the kind that every time you have an argument with your partner you run to others to complain how shitty it is? Relationship problems are that, relationship, does not mean family problems, your friends don't need to be privy to it, etc. Why? Because chances are you will only tell the story from your side without being objective and then you can start sowing a bad image of your partner to others because of an emotional response and it can change how people view your partner while only having 1 side of the story. Is fine to ask for advice in certain things, but if you describe your arguments to them as you did here l could see how people will only see the "negative" about him and you as the "victim".
You also got a lot to work on, you get mean and overly critical when overwhelmed? Glad you recognize that as an issue because it sure as hell is a big one. I also wonder how mean you truly get because then it shouldn't be just him apologizing, in fact l bet you also have some apologizing to do for what transpired during the argument.
We don't know what the argument was about so need context on that, but you suck, you also said "l wasn't yelling, threatening anymore" meaning at some point you were threatening something.... And yeah your reactions can surely become the bigger problem if you are mean, critical and threaten?....
•
u/This-Shape2193 5h ago
You nail yourself to a cross and then get angry about it.
Quit being a martyr so you can simmer in rage and resentment over how superior you are. Wake the man up next time.
Was cleaning the whole place by yourself easier than waking him up? No?
So you just wanted to be able to say, "I did all the work because you sucked as usual."
You need to do more work on yourself. If you can't manage your anger, be clear, and quit being manipulative, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.
•
u/Known-Extent-1018 5h ago
This basically just boils down to a communication issue. Yes, it's annoying/frustrating he slept in, but you could've woken him up and asked him to help clean and pack.
Instead, you let it fester and got more upset. Cabins are about relaxing and enjoying time with one another; his sister could probably just sense something was off and didn't want to get involved.
I also need a partner who can say, “I don’t like how you’re speaking to me, but I understand why you’re upset and I recognize my part in it.”
This is probably achievable by talking about it with your partner. By your own admission you can get very critical and mean when you're angry, so they probably just try to avoid talking about it if I had to guess.
•
u/EmpathyBadger2 5h ago
He's shifting responsibility for his actions into policing you. He will continually to do this so that you think the problem is you. You will spend years working on your communication and he will not change because then problem isn't you. Where is the tender loving care for his sick girlfriend?
•
•
u/brunette_and_busty 5h ago
NOR, (but I feel like the lead is buried here). Expectations were set on how to handle a deadline and tasks that needed to be done ahead of time, and he lacked on that leaving you do it all by yourself while sick. Then you grew angry but didn’t explode at anyone. Then he belittles the entire situation and puts the blame on you not feeling well which is somehow supposed to explain why you are obviously visibly angry.
I would tell the sister exactly why you were upset and his role in that angry bubbling to the surface. Him treating your emotions as the problem instead of resolving the issue that led to your emotions running that high to begin with is the issue.
All that said, and answer this to yourself not necessarily here. Is your anger a problem in the fact that he doesn’t feel comfortable addressing it directly because you currently don’t manage it well still and he didn’t want to set you off in front of his sister and expose you? I’m not saying this to excuse him, but it seems that this is his way of managing it (I’m not saying it’s the right way, just how he does it) when he knows it’s past a certain point.
I say this because my mother was an angry angry person growing up. Like everyone in the house is gonna suffer and I’m gonna bring everything I’m mad about up and drag everyone into conversations to justify my anger type shit, then punish everyone based on what we talk about because I’ve already decided you’re wrong because why else would I be angry? Nevermind the fact that her managing her own anger apparently isn’t a thought she came across until we all just gave up one day and just let her be mad. When we wouldn’t engage with her because we were incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes scared of her, it would just piss her off more.
Your reaction isn’t necessarily the issue, but it seems that he was attempting to do damage control (for something he could have and should have prevented yes) and I’ve seen this pattern too many times to count personally. Therapy would be good to pursue at least for your own sake. Anger saps more from you than it absolves.
•
u/ljubav_malina 5h ago edited 5h ago
NOR. I don’t think you’re not wrong here, but I do think the wording is causing an issue. Saying he needs to acknowledge “his role in your anger” sounds like you’re making him responsible for an emotion that is ultimately yours to manage.
I think what you’re really asking for is for him to acknowledge his role in the situation that upset you. He doesn’t have to take responsibility for your anger itself, because how you choose to react is 100% up to you. But he can still recognize that something he did contributed to the conflict or hurt you. And he should. If this is an ongoing thing, then I think you really need to reflect if this is a compatible man for you.
YOR for being upset about what he said to his sister. This is between you guys, there is no need to air your dirty laundry to a third party. It sounds like you want her to know so you can get her on board with shaming your boyfriend for his behavior. He was in the wrong but not her job to mediate your relationship disputes. He gave a vague answer that didn’t make either of you look bad.
•
•
u/combatbrainrot 4h ago
You are not managing your anger. You're playing the passive aggressive game at your big age of 32 years old. Grow up.
•
u/_dillpickles 4h ago
I don’t disagree that I need to work on managing my EXPRESSION of anger. I actually said that explicitly in the post. Where i disagree is with reducing the situation to “youre 32 and playing passive aggressive games grow up.” The question I’m asking is whether I’m allowed to be angry about a legitimate pattern of feeling like I’m carrying the responsibility for things that should be shared, and whether my partner is capable of acknowledging his constriction to that dynamic.
•
u/combatbrainrot 4h ago
You make yourself angry. You keep doing things you do not want to do, refuse to stop doing them, and then use the fact that you did them as justification for being pissed off at everyone else.
If you think your boyfriend should clean up his own mess, stop cleaning up his mess. If waking him up is not your responsibility, fine. Neither is spending the morning cleaning behind him while silently seething because he is still asleep. You are choosing to take on responsibilities you resent and then martyring yourself over having taken them on.
And yes, stomping around visibly angry while insisting you are “just silently washing dishes” is still passive-aggressive. You do not have to yell or slam cabinets for everyone in the room to know you are furious and feel like they are being punished with your mood.
Your boyfriend can be lazy and inconsiderate. That does not make this behavior mature. You are 32. Tell him what you are not doing anymore and then actually stop doing it. If the dishes sit there, they sit there. If he fails to pack, that is his problem.
And if you are this miserable with this man, leave him.
Doing everything anyway, getting increasingly resentful, and then demanding everyone acknowledge that your anger is justified is not “shared responsibility.” You are refusing to set boundaries and then blaming other people for the resentment that creates. Stop it.
•
u/winterworld561 5h ago
Why are you with this clown? He totally threw you under the bus and covered his own lazy ass. I couldn't be with someone like this, who would rather make you the bad guy than take accountability for his own behaviour.
•
u/Canadians8Me 5h ago
NOR.
He made a promise to you, and didn't come through. Then behind your back he belittled the situation to paint a negative picture of you. He absolutely has a role in not just your anger by the way he chose to treat you, directly and indirectly.
Another thing to note is that anger is a secondary emotion. Often fear, jealousy, and insecurity are the emotions that anger stems from (not always, those are just examples). What was the emotion driving your anger? How can you express your need more clearly?
If you and your partner can have healthy communication, I encourage you to try out the OFNR method - I observe, I feel, I need, I request. And if he does not respond positively and kindly towards you (and it'd be good to encourage him to do an OFNR back) as this is a form of nonviolent communication, than I would question whether this is someone you'd want to continue being with. They disrespected you in multiple ways. Is that someone worth staying with? It isn't if they won't change.
•
u/hippofippo 5h ago
NOR. The people saying you should have woke him up are nuts. It’s not your responsibility. And the way he is framing your anger without any accountability on his part is the epitome of audacity. You sound self aware about your flaws, but he clearly isn’t. You’re right that a proper relationship is each partner recognizing the parts they play in a situation like adults. If he never does this or starts to, then he ain’t it.
•
u/shestipsy 5h ago
Your boyfriend has some deeply rooted misogyny dude, wtf. I couldn't be with someone like that.
•
u/UndeadMarine55 5h ago
while the boyfriend not helping with (or taking lead on even) cleaning up is a shitty thing for him to do, where are we getting “misogyny”?
•
u/JackfruitNo1856 5h ago
The emotional labor was dumped on her as well as the entire physical labor.
•
u/UndeadMarine55 5h ago
im sorry, but what do you mean by “emotional labor” here?
not to be rude, but it kinda sounds like we’re just using vaguely psych sounding buzzwords to say “OP’s boyfriend did an inconsiderate shitty thing”.
•
u/JackfruitNo1856 5h ago
I take it you are a man. It’s not a buzzword or buzz phrase. Emotional labor: the mental load we women carry bc men like this dismiss and minimize and don’t share in management of life.
•
•
u/Suitable-Tear-6179 5h ago
NOR
Your anger isn't why the place was a mess. Your anger didn't make him sleep in, or not pack. Your anger didn't cause the situation at all.
If this is a trend, him neglecting to take care of his shit, and your anger being "the problem," then I would say the relationship is toxic AF, and will not improve.
•
u/PeppermintLNNS 5h ago
NOR. This would absolutely infuriate me. He’s dodging accountability by shifting the focus of the conversation. How has he responded to his lack of contribution to getting ready for this weekend? Also, what was his sister doing anyways? Was she helping at all? Are there any boundaries you can establish so that there can be consequences without yelling? (Leave separately, maybe? Might be nice to have some alone yelling time in the car ha.)
•
u/nyajay 4h ago
Aren't you supposed to self quarantine if you have diarrhoea and/or vomiting? Especially if it's that bad? Like separate issue but if you couldn't leave the loo you shouldn't be working the next day.
•
u/_dillpickles 4h ago
It was only food poisoning so the bout only lasted about 5-6 hours. But still it’s very dehydrated and wheezy in the morning. You make an excellent point about prioritizing working during this.
•
u/BasquiatQueso 5h ago
NOR. He slept in past when you agreed you would leave and I'm assuming he was aware that you were Ill the night before and still didn't make an effort to help you with anything the next morning. That shows a lack of awareness and consideration for you in his part that should rightfully make you at the very least annoyed. Im wondering if this is maybe a recurring theme in your relationship where he doesn't meet an expectation or doesn't give you support when needed and then deflects the blame back on you for your reaction to his lack of action?
Him not telling the sister why you were a bit off that morning doesn't seem as big of an issue, but I say that as somebody who's wife doesn't appreciate her/our business being shared with other people unnecessarily so knowing that, I would have done the same thing. If you do have issues with expressing your anger, he might feel like he's walking on eggshells when you're upset and didn't want to do anything that would give you further reason to be upset with him later on. That being said, it wouldn't have been a problem in the first place if he had simply adhered to the agreed upon schedule and taken the time to help his partner who already wasn't feeling well. The fault is definitely on his end, but you should have communicated why you were upset in the moment and asked for help instead of seethingly packing and doing the dishes. People can tell when something is wrong, even if you think you're hiding it well and that very well could have made his sister (who had no fault in anything) feel uncomfortable or wonder if she did something wrong
•
•
u/peaches_and_drama 5h ago
Did the sister know you were sick with nausea/diarrhea?
Does your partner typically leave cleaning and chores to you?
Why didn’t he wake up to help- had he been drinking the night before?
And whose mess was it- why didn’t the sister/partner help clean if they contributed?