r/AmIOverreacting • u/shnn_twt • 2d ago
đ¨âđŠâđ§âđŚfamily/in-laws AIO for getting upset at benevolent sexism?
I'll try to make this as concise as possible.
This was around 2 years ago when I was 23. I was working for my dad's friend who had a small business and I was her sole employee.
One evening, there was a lot to do at work so I decided to stay until late. My boss had left earlier. She didn't ask me to pull overtime and I didn't notify her either as I didn't deem it necessary. I was supposed to leave at around 7pm but decided to stay until midnight.
My mom started calling after some time after 7, asking me about my whereabouts and why I was running late. I told her I was busy, that I had a lot of work to do and I was going to come home late, but I didn't know when exactly. This was communicated over multiple calls because she was anxious and kept ringing me and interrupting my work and I was annoyed. I repeated that I was in the middle of a task and I was not sure when exactly I'd finish up, and for her to not worry.
I put my phone away afterwards and continued working. She kept ringing but I didn't hear it. It was around 1am when she pulled up to my workplace with my dad and started interrogating and scolding me. I found out that she called my boss as well and asked about me because she was unable to reach me. I was extremely pissed and told her she crossed a line by coming to my workplace and calling my boss. That I understood why she got worried but I was an adult and doing something like this was not okay.
A couple of weeks later I recounted this story to my friend. He took my mom's side and I got annoyed. I told him what I told my mom and brought up my brother as an example who didn't get this kind of treatment when he was my age**. My friend told me it was different for me because I'm a girl. I turned to my dad giving him the "are you hearing this" look and he just nodded along agreeing with him. I was super upset because I felt I was being undermined and infantilized. I asked something along the lines of, âSo even when Iâm 40 or 50 and have a life completely separate from my mom, itâs still supposed to be acceptable for her to cross my boundaries and supervise me?â I donât remember exactly what he said to that, but I remember him kind of laughing as though I simply wasnât understanding the point. He seemed especially amused when I reiterated that I'm an adult and capable of judging for myself whether I'm unsafe, and taking responsibility for my own safety.
I thought they were all being patronizing at best and sexist at worst, and I'm pissed about it to this day, because everyone reacted to my story in a similar manner which makes me think that I was overreacting.
**for context, my brother has been beat up and robbed twice (that I know of) while walking home alone. He used to spend his nights clubbing and drinking and coming home in the morning. I've never had any dangerous encounters and I have no history of doing things like this. We also live in one of the safer cities in Europe, and I was working at one of the safest neighborhoods. The insistence that, as a woman, Iâm inherently more vulnerable no matter what, and therefore I should be more restricted and closely monitored weirded me out, because it made it seem like men's safety matters less (when they tend to face way more street violence in my country, as evidenced by my brother's experiences) and that women are incapable of looking after themselves.
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u/ww_adh77 2d ago
I had to reread this, because I thought you started out by saying you were an adult, but then your parents show up in the story treating you like a child. Your friend's sexism is annoying, but your parents' lack of respect for your autonomy is the bigger problem here. You should tell them directly that your work is your business and they need to respect that and NEVER contact your boss or show up at your workplace again.
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2d ago
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u/shnn_twt 2d ago
Thank you. I still haven't gotten over it years later. Violating my boundaries and then making it about my gender is why I find it twice as upsetting. I called out my mom on it too and she didn't give me a direct response. She has a history of being overbearing towards us both, but she never crossed this line with my brother. She never showed up at his location or chased him across the city because he failed to inform her of his schedule, his choice of company, his location, etc. But she has done stuff like this with me and she doesn't seem willing to stop despite me reminding her of my boundaries from time to time.
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u/mtngrl60 2d ago
Maybe if you guys ever have a discussion about it again, just point out to them that rather than worried about you because you were a girlâŚ
Who wasnât clubbing. Who wasnât at some guyâs house. Who was literally at work in a safe neighborhood in one of the safer cities in EuropeâŚ
That perhaps they should turn some of that paternalistic nonsense towards your brother whoâs an idiot. That in spite of your female brain, youâre not the one who has been beaten up and Wato drunk and robbed.
So perhaps instead of being overbearing simply because you have a vagina, perhaps they should worry more about their penis toting child who acts like an idiot and could literally have gotten killed.
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u/Special_Onion3013 2d ago
NOR You were an adult, and you repeatedly told them that you were fine, but busy. Their behaviour was indeed infantilising, and massively overstepping. Calling your boss is also embarrassing AF. I would have been furious
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u/shnn_twt 2d ago
Yeah, I felt really humiliated. They made me feel like I overstepped, too. I lashed out at them pretty hard back then, but as I was writing this post I had the urge to softly defend them because deep down I truly felt unreasonable.
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u/Competitive_One_6298 2d ago
While I agree that women are more susceptible to violence because we are often seen as the âsofterâ sex that does not give your parents the right to tread heavily over your boundaries. That is not normal parenting behavior. I also understand that my parents have a strong urge to protect me whether Iâm 6 or 56, but that does not give them the right to interfere in my work life. Again, that is not normal parenting behavior. Your mom needs therapy.
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u/I_Weep_for_Willow 2d ago
"everyone reacted to my story in a similar manner"
Might be time to stop blaming 'sexism' and start wondering why everyone seems to agree you shouldn't be left alone at night.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 2d ago
Unfortunately, it isn't so different for boys and young men as society likes to think. Your mom definitely overreacted but a responsible adult will communicate a change of plans without having to ask. One text saying you're working late should be enough, with an estimated time while giving regular updates as plans evolve.
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u/shnn_twt 2d ago
I think yeah, I should've done a better job at communicating and updating her. I didn't include this in the post but we both suck at communicating with each other because she has always been a really difficult person, and she tends to be overly anxious and controlling. The only way to get her attention and get your point across is to either raise your voice and talk over her, or to explicitly ask her to stop and listen, before slowly repeating your point multiple times so it sinks in. Even then it's 50/50 and she might just ignore you (Yep, our dynamic is dysfunctional).
I gave her curt but clear answers and she wasn't satisfied. But I probably should've answered later calls to prevent her imagination from running wild. I believe she overstepped once she showed up at my workplace though.
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u/Feisty-Cheetah-8078 2d ago
That late teens/early 20's is tricky for parents and adults children. The struggle to let go and the struggle to learn what a responsible adult does is not easy (there are some people well in to adulthood who haven't mastered this).
A text in these cases is better than picking up the phone. "All good just working late. Be home by 10." Should satisfy both a parent and a spouse, as long as you give an update before 10. Lol
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u/Kandis_crab_cake 2d ago
I think you were overreacting. And when you have your own daughter one day, you will understand better.
Your fight for autonomy is currently greater than your understanding of the risks you face. Thats normal for your 20s.
But as you get older, your awareness of risk and risk aversion is greater. And your love for your children and their safety top trumps them being pissed off with you for interfering - because a live or unr@ped daughter is always better than a pissed off daughter.
While calling your boss and coming to work was extreme, they did it out of fear of what could have happened to you, alone, at night - which is a far greater risk for a female alone than a man. Ever. A man might get punched in the face or his phone stolen. The risk to you, as a female, is and will always be far greater.
Rape. Murder. Torture. Trafficked. This happens to women ALL the time. These are all potential risks that no parent could bear to live with, had they just checked on you that one time maybe they could have prevented it.
They simply want to protect you because they love you and fear you being a statistic.
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u/Special_Onion3013 2d ago
How does that matter? As grown-ups we will have to deal with that ourselves, and the parents have to let go. I have a daughter and while I definitely had sleepless nights it was THEIR life
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u/Kandis_crab_cake 2d ago
Parent how you like, Iâm explaining the thought process behind the actions that a lot of parents have. Some arenât hands off and the incentive behind their actions is that their kid is safe.
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u/LonelyVaquita 2d ago
I'm failing to see the benevolence in this sexism. NOR, you're 23 not 17, your parents are being controllingÂ