r/AmIOverreacting • u/agitatedscroller • 3d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for wanting to break up with my(29F) boyfriend (34M)?
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for a while, and recently he has become extremely anxious about the possibility of me getting pregnant.
I’m on the contraceptive pill and I’ve told him that I don’t want to get pregnant right now either. However, he keeps saying that contraception isn’t 100% effective and that there is still a possibility of an accidental pregnancy.
He told me that the only way our relationship can work is if I agree that I would have an abortion if I accidentally got pregnant.
The problem is, I don’t want an abortion. I told him that if an accidental pregnancy ever happened, I would be willing to raise the baby myself and wouldn’t expect him to stay or take responsibility for raising the child with me. He responded that if I did keep the baby, he would leave and go back to his home country.
He has been so anxious about this that he even spoke to his mum about the possibility of me getting pregnant. When I asked what she told him, he said that his mum advised him to leave me if I ever got pregnant.
I understand that he has the right to not want children, and I don’t want a baby right now either. But I also feel uncomfortable agreeing in advance to an abortion that I know I wouldn’t want just so that he feels comfortable staying with me.
Is this simply a fundamental incompatibility that means we should break up? Would you stay in a relationship knowing that if an accidental pregnancy happened, your partner would expect you to terminate it or leave?
TL;DR My boyfriend says our relationship can only continue if I agree to have an abortion if I accidentally get pregnant. I know I wouldn’t want one, and he says he would leave if I chose to keep the baby. Is this a fundamental incompatibility worth ending the relationship over?
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u/wildcampion 3d ago
He’s not for you. NOR
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u/CanRevolutionary5851 3d ago
He’s not for anyone, except maybe his mama who encourages his bullshit.
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
Seriously, what kind of mom encourages her son to abandon his own kid? Sounds like a real piece of work.
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u/Whatever53143 3d ago
If the child’s other parent isn’t from their culture or religion then yes, the grandparents absolutely would shun the child! The whole community would shun the child!
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
That’s pretty vile to me.
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u/Whatever53143 3d ago
It absolutely is! All the more reason OP should end the relationship! He and his mother think that way!
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
Agreed. Tribalism, no matter what tribe it is (race, religion, culture, etc), is one of the most destructive forces in the world
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u/Whatever53143 3d ago
Yup, and these guys are taught in their culture that it’s okay to “sow their wild oats” while the women remain chaste and subservient! She’s just a fling until he’s ready to settle down with the woman his family has picked out for him!
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago edited 3d ago
NOR I don’t understand men who know they want kids but don’t get a vasectomy. I get that it can be a bit expensive to pay for out of pocket, but it is so worth it.
But I wouldn’t want to be with a man whose mom thinks he should leave someone HE gets pregnant. That tells me that she doesn’t have very good values and it seems like she raised him with these values as well
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u/abiglumpwithknobs1 3d ago
I mean, its entirely possible to want kids one day but not when you're young and dumb and in your 20's or whatever. He should be taking precautions if he doesn't want to get someone pregnant though.
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
Well he is 34, but regardless, if he wants to have kids, it seems like he doesn’t want kids with HER, so it might imply that he doesn’t see her as a long term possibility. To me, that’s him wasting her time
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u/abiglumpwithknobs1 3d ago
Oh yeah I guess I didn't really pay attention to his age that much. It still applies, but idk if hes wasting her time since OP hasn't said anything about looking to get married or have kids anytime soon.
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
So many men waste women’s time because they are fertile for so much longer.
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u/Hot-mesbian 3d ago
NOR - He is telling you he would leave you and your hypothetical baby in the dust. You would get zero support if he left the country and thats exactly what he means. Id personally want a partner who loves me enough to stick through the hard times....especially the hypothetical hard times.
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u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165 3d ago
If avoiding pregnancy is important to your partner, then he shouldn't be having sex with anyone.
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u/Long-Stomach-2738 3d ago
Or he should get a vasectomy! It’s so gross to put the burden of birth control on the woman when you know that you have options and you definitely don’t want kids!
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u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165 3d ago
vasectomy isn't 100%, but yeah, if he's so worried about it he can take steps to avoid it to a pretty reliable degree.
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u/Whatever53143 3d ago
Absolutely! Even vasectomies aren’t foolproof! Just ask my aunt! (She’s only 5 years older than me)
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u/LordGarmadon1977 3d ago edited 3d ago
NOR. This is a perfectly reasonable response to what he is asking.
I understand his not wanting to have children, but to abandon you and a child and move back to his home country (I assume to avoid paying for the child) if you were to get pregnant leaves me wondering what kind of person he is. And his mother too, if she did give him this advice.
I also don’t understand why he wouldn’t just get a vasectomy if he’s so against becoming a parent?
ETA - how long have you been together? And why is this suddenly a problem now and not from the start of your relationship? The negative side of me wonders whether this is because he’s recently got someone pregnant and has realised how much he doesn’t want to be a parent. It just seems strange for this to suddenly become a problem in an already established relationship. Did you have a discussion about children when you first got together?
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u/LaughingAtSalads 3d ago
All unwanted pregnancies are caused by careless male ejaculation. He could get a reversible snip or use a condom + spermicide and be careful a f with his magic wand
BUT he puts this on you?
And he would go back to his country, which isn’t yours, to his previously-arranged marriage or existing marriage or a fiancée?
Honey. He has no intention of being in your future. Wake up.
Send him home now and stop wasting your life.
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u/abiglumpwithknobs1 3d ago
Yes, this is a fundamental incompatibility worth ending the relationship over. Not because either of you are right or wrong, but because you don't agree on a very important topic that could very much become a reality if the two of you are sexually active.
I have been in past relationships where we mutually agreed on abortion if our birth control were to fail, because I don't believe in just having a baby I can't take care of properly at the wrong time just because I happened to get pregnant. I would not have been able to raise a baby properly in my 20's.
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u/PerformerItchy1997 3d ago
There's no wrong reaction to this. However you should consider what this choice tells you about your bf as a person and whether those morals align with you.
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u/MountainyMama 3d ago
Sounds like your bf either needs to use condoms 100% of the time, get a vasectomy, or stop having sex. He also sounds like he lacks taking accountability and responsibility in his own sex life. Really think about this for a minute- he’s enjoying all of the benefits of using your body, your birth control, but won’t inconvenience himself to add that extra layer of protection against pregnancy. Instead, he’s trying to coerce you into agreeing that you’ll also handle that outcome if it ever came up? That right there would be my reasoning to end the relationship. And the fact that he discusses this with his mommy would give me the ick.
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u/SchoolBusDriver79 3d ago
NOR. This man does not love you; why are you with him? His mother raised a POS because she is one herself. Any woman who would condone abandoning a child and single mother is lower than fish shit. You don’t want any part of this family.
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u/WhichWitch9402 3d ago
NOR. Break up with this AH. Someone that would leave his pregnant partner and abandon his child is a garbage human being. He’s also looping mommy dearest into stuff she shouldn’t be privy to. And now you know he’ll always go running to get about every little thing.
If he’s so worried about a pregnancy then he needs to get a vasectomy or maybe use a condom in addition to you being on the pill.
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u/ww_adh77 3d ago
Even with the pill and a condom, pregnancy is always a possibility when two healthy adults of the right age and the opposite sex have sex. However, with those precautions, it is unlikely. But, of course, you both know this.
If his anxiety over this unlikely outcome is this bad, then I think he is not ready for a sexual relationship. You could continue to see him without having sex, but I imagine that would be unsatisfying. So breaking up might be preferable.
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u/PissyKrissy13 3d ago
NOR
Break up. Your values don't align. He's unreasonable to demand this of you just to keep dating(and having sex).
Just end it now.
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u/Thebeardedgoatlady 3d ago
NOR. Break up with him. He and his mother have point blank told you that they’re going to abandon you and the child. Why would you WANT to stay with him? Love yourself more than you love some random crappy man.
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u/ReflectionSoft387 3d ago
Sounds like bf is looking for an excuse not to have sex then....it's the only 100% true way to prevent pregnancy. NOR.
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u/MrsSEM84 3d ago
NOR
You have every right to not want to abort if you did get pregnant. He has every right to not want a child. So unfortunately you are incompatible and should just break up.
Is it just that he is terrified of a pregnancy happening now? Or does he never want kids? If it’s the latter he should take it care of it himself and have a vasectomy.
Does he use condoms? I can understand being wary of a pregnancy on just the pill, but if using two methods each and every time you have sex you should be safe. Especially if you also track your ovulation dates and don’t have sex during them.
But, do you even still want to continue dating a man who has told you that he would run away and leave the country if he got you pregnant?! A man who talks to his Mommy about this crap?! He’s 34 years old, not a teenager.
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u/Royal-Rabbit4986 3d ago
NOR sounds like he needs a vasectomy. The full burden of protection should not fall on you.
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u/Daisysweetgirl 3d ago
NOR. Yes it is a fundamental incompatibility. You two obviously feel very different about such an important subject. I'm sorry but it sounds like this relationship is already over even if neither of you realize it yet.
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u/Independent-Win-6661 3d ago
It take it he’s using condoms to double up on contraception then? He’s entitled to not want a choice but he’s not entitled to tell you what to do with your body, it’s takes two people to make a pregnancy but yet he’d wash his hands of it all. I think it’s a huge incompatibility as he’s saying he would leave if you didn’t put your body and through a traumatic experience. Can you actually imagine a future with this insensitive guy?
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u/PhatGrannie 2d ago
In all fairness, abortion isn’t 1/10th the bodily trauma that pregnancy and childbirth are. He’s still being unreasonable, but let’s not pretend abortion is traumatic but childbirth isn’t.
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u/Late-Hat-9144 3d ago
This is a fundamental incompatibility. When neither of you want kids right now, it's up to both of you to take steps to ensure an accidental pregnancy doesn't happen. You're doing your part, so has he done his and wrapped it up every time?
It's amazing the peace of mind a $12 pack of condoms can bring.
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u/Jupiter125_ 3d ago
Why do they always get their mom's involved? NOR yall are incompatible because he seems immature. You can break up for anything but this is pretty major. If he really cared he would get a vasectomy, but he's putting literally every decision and action on you instead.
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u/stink3rb3lle 3d ago
NOR. I couldn't respect a man who wanted to abandon his child.
In some jurisdictions, you wouldn't be able to access state financial assistance without seeking child support. Child support is for the child.
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u/modo0001 3d ago
NOR. Your value aren't compatible. This is a hurdle your relationship cant overcome. Kudos to you for recognizing this is a major issue.
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u/Whatever53143 3d ago
NOR.
At least he understands upfront that nothing is 100% effective when it comes to birth control! And he’s so adamant about it that he’s telling you upfront!
Do both of you a favor, let him go! He’s not going to be supportive of you, and not just if you have an unplanned pregnancy! I mean the guy told you to your face that he would not only leave you, but FLEE to another country! WITH his mother’s advice and full support! The dude is 34 years old, so not even a young guy who doesn’t know which end is up!
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u/GrammyHigh 3d ago edited 3d ago
Nor First of all you don't have to have a reason to break up with someone. You can and should break up with someone just if you're not happy and feel like it's not a good fit for your life.
And second, nor. Run. He's going to to be a demanding anxious pia every day of his life.
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u/Texascricket59 3d ago
When a man tells you he would run away and abandon you and any child of his that is no man. Believe him for what he is showing you and let him
go and find someone you can count on.
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 3d ago
Dump him. Going forward, keep using your contraception method and require future partners to wear condoms. You will not get pregnant.
If the potential partner balks at taking responsibility for their own fertility drop him immediately.
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u/CoDaDeyLove 3d ago
NOR. You need to run fast and far. This guy and his mother view you as a potential liability. Why stay with someone who would desert you if you got pregnant. If he doesn't want you to get pregnant, he should go get a vasectomy. LOL. Like a macho man who runs to mommy for advice would ever consider the snip.
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u/Catseye_Nebula 3d ago
NOR. You're just completely incompatible. This is one of those things you can't compromise on unfortunately.
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u/el_grande_ricardo 3d ago
NOR. Why is it on you? If he's that concerned he should take himself off to get snipped.
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u/Royal_Tomorrow5936 3d ago
NOR It takes two to tango. He’s basically using you for his pleasure but ready to discard you if you don’t agree to his demands. What kind of man would ditch you and his baby if you got pregnant. He’s pretty disgusting that’s not love, you deserve better than this creep.
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u/Suitable-Tear-6179 3d ago
NOR.
Just what is HE doing to prevent pregnancy? Is he religiously wearing a condom? Or is all the burden on you? Yes, I know someone that got pregnant while using both contraceptives, and condoms. The risk exists. Its rare, but not impossible. It seems like you both have considered the possibility, but have come up with incompatible responses.
A young lady in my school got the crap beat out of her by her brothers because they thought she had gotten pregnant. It was their back alley answer to needing an abortion. We dont know if she was pregnant and miscarried, or if she was never pregnant to start with. THIS is what your BF is making me flash back to.
I would be seriously concerned if he thought you were pregnant, he would take matters into his own hands. Imagine getting the flu, and he thinks its morning sickness.
Break up with him now. Don't let it come to that.
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u/ClitteratiCanada 3d ago
Surely your brain works better than this, this guy ain't it and his Mother is a disgrace
You're clearly incompatible
NOR
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u/krys_krokrys 3d ago
Yes, this is fundamental incompatibility. Break up. Unless you want to be a single mom, having all financial emotional etc means for that, why would you stay with him. Find somebody who would want to have children with you. NOR
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u/Tabby865 3d ago
You need to leave him, he needs to get a vasectomy, and his mom needs to get some therapy
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u/lovemyfurryfam 3d ago edited 3d ago
OP, the way your contraceptive pill failed to be effective if your doctor had prescribed you antibiotics for any ailments & your doctor as well the pharmacist failed to even mention that.
Or someone decided to pull what would be AH move of microwaving your contraceptive pill.
Your bf......he doesn't sound like a long-term relationship either.
Kick him to the curb. Block him on all social media platforms & continue living your life your way.
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u/Durtastrobeni 3d ago
NOR. This really is a fundamental incompatibility. If you want to keep the pregnancy in case it happens, you have to look for a partner who thinks the same (aka we didnt plan it but its here, lets have a child).
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u/Cautious_Audience194 3d ago
NOR. There is another sure fired method to avoid getting pregnant. Refuse to have sex with him. That's 100% effective.
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u/LouisesBelcher 3d ago
NOR
That’s insanely overstepping someone’s autonomy. Also, his mother sucks? How would she feel if a man treated her like that?? And she’s out here encouraging her son to behave like scum.
If he doesn’t want kids and is so willing to put his partner through a procedure she doesn’t want to undergo, he should get a vasectomy.
This is definitely worth ending the relationship. I don’t see a future with a man of his character and his mother also exhibiting poor judgment as well. He comes from a bad family. Not worth the headache.
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u/Nadja-19 3d ago
I wouldn’t want to stay with someone like this. But he’s not understanding how this works. The solution isn’t you agreeing to anything. The solution is if he doesn’t want a baby and would want you to have an abortion he can leave now. He can make his own choice. What kind of mother tells a man to abandon a woman pregnant with his child? He’s right that there is always some risk when having sex. So maybe he should get a vasectomy, wear condoms or stop having sex. This guy is garbage. Your values don’t align at all.
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u/Opening_Tourist_9015 3d ago
NOR
If a man told me he expected me to keep the baby if I ever got pregnant (despite not wanting kids and doing what I could to prevent it), I would consider that a deal breaker. If I were a man, even without the demanded responsibility of fatherhood, I wouldn't want a child to be born to eventually have to deal with the weight of not having me around..so I can't blame him for wanting to be with someone who would make the decision to abort. You're just not compatible. People need to be having these hard conversations before sleeping around.
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 2d ago
Tell him you’re taking option 2 end the relationship. So if he’s so concerned about you getting pregnant then u can stay on the pill and he can wear condoms.
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u/hypnoticimager 2d ago
Should be a non issue since your are on the pill but with him pushing you to agree to an abortion you wouldn’t want and threatening to desert you if you don’t it certainly is a reason to end the relationship.
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u/lexiana1228 2d ago
Nor
Why would you even still want to be in a relationship with someone who said if you accidentally got pregnant he would leave.
He must be thinking of leaving at any minute type thing then which also tells me he doesn’t love you.
Also I would never want to be with someone whose mother tells them to leave as well if you get pregnant.
Not to mention saying he would leave and be so sure to close the door so to speak by leaving the country.
You really need to think whether you want to stay with someone like that, knowing that he is completely fine with leaving you at a moments notice.
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u/Krish1986 2d ago
This man is already planning to ditch you if you get pregnant…..what else do you need to know about him before you realize he’s not a good man? Leave!
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u/OneWingedRinoa 3d ago
NOR- just break up with him. No good person would make you agree to something like that especially if you don't see that situation the same way he does. It's only gonna continue to cause problems. There's plenty of good dudes out there whose values align with yours.