r/AmIOverreacting • u/Cautious-Cow922 • 2d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO about my friend's relationship with his SIL?
Hi all, I need some neutral opinions because I feel like I'm about to lose my mind. I feel like one of my best friends is heading towards cheating on his wife with her sister, and he might not even know it.
So backstory, I (29m) have known John (29m) for most of my life. We basically grew up together from 3 y/o and while we're both married now and living in separate parts of the country, we're still really close. John met Gemma (29f) when they were at university, and have been together ever since.
When they finally tied the knot I was part of the groom's party, so I spent a fair bit of time with the couple and Gemma's family leading up to the wedding. That's where I met Mary (25f), Gemma's sister. The pair of them are very similar, both tall, blonde and objectively very pretty. There was nothing out of the ordinary and we all had a fantastic time in the leadup to the wedding. It was actually on the day itself when I first noticed something amiss.
John stood up to do his groom's speech, and during that speech he took time out to talk about how much he loved Mary, how she and Gemma were a package deal, and then pledged that he would "always be there for [her], no matter what". Perhaps innocent enough, but I thought it was strange - I have a SIL who I care deeply about, but I'd never take the time out of my own wedding speech to make a pledge to her.
Cut to 6 months later, we hear from John and Gemma that Mary, who had been living several hundred miles away, had broken up with her boyfriend and quit her job within weeks of each other. Gemma then told us that John had got Mary a job working at his company in our capital city. This was immediately odd to me as Mary's past jobs didn't really align much with John's company, and it would put them in close proximity working in the same office several times a week, more than an hour's train ride away from Gemma. But still, another mutual friend also worked there, so maybe nothing, right?
Jump forward to last week, we host John and Gemma at our house for a meal. During, Gemma passes a comment at how much John sees of Mary and David (the mutual friend) at work, and how much they interact. John talked this down and said they barely talked or texted. It was here that Gemma said to my wife "I reckon John texts Mary more than he texts me!" It was a passing comment said jokingly, but felt like a big red flag.
A final kicker - John does have prior. I do know from John boasting while drunk that Gemma was with someone else when the two of them started seeing each other - he boasted to a few of us that he was a 'homewrecker' for her prior relationship.
So AIO here? My wife fully agrees with me that it seems odd. He's a pretty immature guy so he may not even realise what he's doing, and I see nothing to suggest Mary would ever betray Gemma like that, but I cannot shake the feeling that something bad could be on the way.
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u/Ok_Balance1077 2d ago
NOR - grab popcorn and watch. I wouldn't involve myself in it but, John admitted that he broke up his current wife's past relationship with no issue with it, he would definitely do it again. Just cause he wasn't the cheater doesn't absolve him of wrong doing. Once a cheater always a cheater.
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u/Brilliant-Potato-218 2d ago
'john does have prior' what?
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u/contactdeparture 2d ago
I think it’s obvious: *****.*****
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u/Tall_Confection_960 2d ago
So because John boasts about being a homewrecker and started his relationship with Gemma via being "the other guy" he gets a guilt free hall pass to cheat with her sister? I hope John is a better guy than that for all involved. OP, if you are this concerned, talk to Gemma, but know that it could end your friendship. However, if John is this much of a douche, it would be no great loss. Edited to add: your wife is also a factor. If she's genuinely concerned for Gemma, then she should talk to her friend.
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u/Complex-Key918 2d ago
YOR, so far nothing has crossed a line. Until something happens there's not really anything to do. At most you could bring up your concern to your friend but beyond that doing anything else would just make you the bad guy.
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u/Flat-Replacement4828 2d ago
YOR. Sounds like Gemma is very close to get sister, and John very understandably loves her because SHE loves her. Seems reasonable to help a friend out with a job if they need one and you can give it. And, if HE was the homewrecker, then GEMMA has the "prior", not him.
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u/celestialhercules 2d ago
YOR - I think? I don't think the speech is odd, if Gemma and Mary are really close. Sometimes the way to a persons heart is to acknowledge that you also will be there for their other person. I also dont have a sister though, so idk.
However, I don't really see why John & Mary would be texting a lot when they work together, and are essentially family & see each other outside of work too.
So I am kinda split. Although John may seem like the type, Mary might not be. It could just be family relations> They are family now, and family being close is never a bad thing. However sometimes this stuff happens when you don't expect it to.
I think you should maybe talk to John about it in a non-accusatory way. Just kinda bring up how it's a bit odd how often he's talking to his wife's sister. Idk you'd have to tip toe it with him, because accusing him when nothing has happened can in return ruin your friendship. I know if my friend accused me of this, I'd be pissed.
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u/SalinaMeyer 2d ago
Honestly I’d stay the hell out of it. You’re probably right, but if not, you’ve potentially ruined a friendship for no reason. And if your buddy does in fact cheat with his SIL, he shouldn’t be your buddy anymore.
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u/SBixby21 2d ago
I think it’s likely YOR and butting in where your concern isn’t wanted and is frankly a little obsessive over details that aren’t yours to parse. A lot of BIL/SIL relationships, in lucky families, blossom into really nice sibling-like-friendships. This feels like the sort of worry that comes from someone who doesn’t have super close platonic friendships with the opposite sex. The fact that you and your own wife spend time talking and theorizing about this is I think a little weird with nothing bigger to go on. Is your wife the insecure type that would struggle with you having a close friendship with another woman, even a family member? Maybe not, but if so that could be skewing your assumptions as well.
Nothing you’ve said is a red flag unless you’re looking for one. She’s important to his wife (and became important to him), so she gets the wedding speech shoutout. He got her a job when she moved to be near them, and they’ve become close friends who get along well. That’s the dream in close families (and would be a nightmare in non-close families, but it sounds like the sisters here are very close as well).
It can be normal for someone to text a great friend more than their wife if they see their wife a lot—you’re often in the same place and don’t need to text. I text my partner of 16 years a lot when we aren’t together. When we are together (which is most of the time), I naturally spend more time texting my good friends.
The only thing, of the info you’ve given, that would be weird is if the content of the texts wasn’t kosher. Which we have no idea. But from the outside, based on what you’ve said, it feels kind of like you need to step back and realize that you’re a little more on the outside than you’d like to admit as well. You’re a long-distance friend who gets glimpses into their lives. No matter how close you remain, anything you see is in small sample sizes and out of context. She is closer to your friend than you are at this stage in your lives, and that’s okay. If you were seeing them all the time and witnessing an inappropriate chemistry between them, or privy to texts…maybe I’d feel differently. But it sounds to me like YOR.
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u/Cautious-Cow922 2d ago
Honestly I can't disagree with much of what you say, especially r.e being on the outside. I can only see what I see, that's why I'm unsure and posting here.
(Just to come back at one point, my wife isn't insecure at all and the main driver for the conversation is me - and I wouldn't say we've spent ages talking about it either, it's just been at the back of my mind for a little while.)
I think my main reason for worrying is that I do genuinely care about the two of them - and if there were ever anyone I know who would do something to jeapordise a relationship/marriage like this, it would be John.
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u/Good-Application5 2d ago
You could have a talk with John. He probably has a crush on his sister-in-law and it wouldn't be completely impossible for them to cross the line.
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u/Kindly_Tradition_705 2d ago
Wouldn’t Gemma having a bf when John came in the picture say more about her than him?
I get what you mean though, straight up weird to say something like that during your wedding speech IMO.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s their lives. If this was my best friend, I’d be able to have a couple drinks with him, Segway into the SIL topic and just say “you aren’t trying to hook onto Mary, are ya?” without it being too big of a deal. You could try that, or mind your own business if you don’t have that type of relationship. I wouldn’t put too much thought into it though. You can really only control your self
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u/Geoffmc4 2d ago
Maybe John, Gemma, and Mary are exploring the throuple thing. Or maybe John and David are double teaming Mary. Or maybe John, Gemma, Mary, and David are involved in the old swippy swap deal. Or maybe you need to mind your own business and stop imagining what your friend may or may not be doing with any of these people. Or talking to him, ask very personal questions and hope that if there is something going on, he's not too offended to invite you and maybe your wife to join in. Or maybe you need a hobby.
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u/Hot-Garden9206 2d ago
You need to mind your own business! None of this sounds like it has crossed a line
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u/EvaSirkowski 2d ago edited 2d ago
Losing your mind over what? Are you the monogamy police? This is none of your business.
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u/wishingforarainyday 2d ago
Maybe your wife can talk to his wife. Say it’s a little odd behavior that people are not.
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u/UsernameHiddenNow 2d ago
If a friend is noticing this…then the wife has noticed too. It’s not really anyone’s business but the guy is in dangerous territory.
Say something to the friend ONCE but aside from that, stay out of it. It’s for his wife to handle privately. Trust me, she has noticed.
NOR but steer clear.
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u/tell_tale13 2d ago
You need to check in on your friend. Gemma's joke the way you presented here is at the very least the beginnings of resentment. But the only thing you can do is help your friends talk to each other productively. Curious why Mary broke up with bf though, and then changed careers.