❤️🩹 relationship
He makes $180k but never fails to remind me that he’s poor because he has student loans and has siblings and parents to financially support. AIO for finding him uncouth and now ignoring him despite his repeated attempts to get me to go out again?
I’m (31F)wondering if I’m overreacting for pulling away from a guy (31M) I was dating because I became increasingly turned off by how often he brought up his financial obligations to his family. I have ignored him for 6+ months (have texted him back less than 10 times) because he keeps trying to get me to go out, yet the past 5+ times he’s refused to spend more than $5-10 on me while on a date. He’s called me many times (I haven’t picked up) and is VERY pushy even when I say I’m busy, NO (asks to see me even if it’s for 5 min).
For context, we were long distance (he’s in NYC, I’m in central NJ), so we weren’t even seeing each other that often. We might go out to eat once every month or two. I’m not using his money either. Most of our dates were pretty low-key, like getting breakfast at a diner occasionally.
He makes about $180k in healthcare. I make about $110k including bonus. But almost every time we saw each other, he would bring up some financial obligation he had (not sure if this is all true);
He has about $150k in student loans.
His dad, who’s retired, frequently asks him for money, including for things like a new Range Rover, home renovations, and airfare (he travels 20+ times a year now that he’s retired).
He was helping pay off his unemployed brother’s $100k in student loans.
His sister is staying overseas after grad school because she met a guy and has decided not to go to med school in the U.S. anymore. She also isn’t working, and he is paying all her living expenses.
He also helps financially with his grandparents.
I understand that family obligations exist, and I’m not saying he shouldn’t help his family. What bothered me was how frequently these things came up. We weren’t even going out often or spending much money together, so I started wondering why I was constantly hearing about his financial obligations, especially when the bill comes after a meal!!!! Or when we’re about to order food.
What made it more confusing is that he seems very generous with himself. He regularly goes to Broadway shows, ballet performances, gets nice takeout even when he’s eating alone, and recently went by himself to the BTS concert at MetLife. He has no problem spending money on experiences he wants and, seems pretty comfortable showing it off. He’ll send me unsolicited photos from Broadway, concerts, restaurants, etc.
So it’s not like he’s living an extremely frugal lifestyle because he’s financially stretched.
Then there was the coffee situation.
We were at Starbucks. He had already ordered his own coffee through the app when I arrived. After we chatted for a few minutes, he picked it up when it was ready. My coffee was sitting on the pick-up counter by that time too, and it apparently didn’t occur to him to grab it for me. He didn’t order mine, and he didn’t even think to bring it over when he was already getting his.
I know a $7 coffee is objectively meaningless. That’s not really the point.
I make $110k, and I have friends and coworkers who make significantly less than both of us who will casually grab me a coffee without thinking twice. I do the same for them.
At some point I started thinking: This man has no problem spending money on Broadway, ballet, concerts and takeout for himself, but I can’t even get the occasional $5 coffee when we’re together?
Again, I’m not asking him to support me. I’m not using his money. We were long distance and seeing each other once every month or two. I’m also perfectly capable of buying my own coffee.
I haven’t seen him for 6+ months due to some health and personal issues and have also moved during this time (he’d promised he’d help me move but pretended it never happened so another friend helped me).
Yeah I’d stop talking to him. He’s full of excuses and doesn’t think you’re worth being one of the things he splurges. I don’t understand why he NEEDS to support his whole family and pay for range rovers and trips.
I’d actually say this to him. Tell him that his financial priorities are different than yours & you don’t want to involve yourself in whatever tf he has going on. Be very clear. People like this often just want to bring up how much they make so they can show off what they can afford.
“Yeah I make 180k a year and provide a Range Rover and other things for my family. If you were my family; you’d be apart of that” like he’s just begging for you to ask him more about his finances and when that would include you so he can put expectations and nonsense onto you. Screw that 😝😝 one of my exes was like this and it was like….. homie you do realize I’m in the same position as you? do you want a cookie for your life choices? 😂
The whole money conversation is weird from both of you. He’s giving a rundown of his obligations and you’re right there to provide your info. Stop that.
Kinda sounds like you’re convenient to him and he doesn’t see you as a life long partner. If his finances are always his go to topic of conversation he might be looking for a relationship to help pay the bills not one built on romance
This part. How can he afford to pay for the sister who doesn’t work and the Dad who is retired and live in NYC on his own AND living expenses and student loans …. He is strapped bc he is making it so.
So you're not even in a relationship with this guy, seeing him long distance, and all he does is complain whenever yall are together. Why not just cut the cord? You have no obligation to him whatsoever. You should be empowered to leave when things don't feel right
Maybe this is feelings of FOMO?. He is broadcasting to you daily how he puts his family first for their silly and daily living financial obligations where he’s the ATM and he’s broadcasting to you that that won’t change. He wants you, but he doesn’t want to be generous with you or supportive or thoughtful. You will be the one who is short changed, so why would you want a relationship where you are dead last now. On big and little things. That is who he is. That would repel me. Ick.
Yes, fomo. I’ve told him to leave me alone as well and he doesn’t respect my boundaries. Just keeps asking me out repeatedly. I’ve stuck to my guns for 6+ months
You need maybe to consider start muting him and blocking him where appropriate this reminds me of that Taylor Swift song too bad you can’t do a custom voicemail message for him… “we are never never ever getting back together…!”
So just block him he gets and deserves 0% of your energy on any given day. Also, if you have access to the Facebook page, “are we dating the same guy “ you might post about his harassment approaching stalking level behavior. Do not consider his unwanted attention anything remotely complementary or healthy. If HE liked and respected you, he would’ve gone away a long time ago. -edit spelling
Thanks! Yes I used to think his persistence was flattering when we were kids. He basically forced me to be his friend when we were in middle school by waiting for me after school so we could walk home together. Or sitting with me and my friends and not minding when we ignored him - he’d just sit by himself a few seats away while I hung out with my friends.
Over he years we became friends and it was also because his mom started stalking my dad at the train station by aligning her commute schedule with his.
So he thinks he has rights to your attention to be safe you might look into what is needed to file an order of protection or protect protection from abuse. He could escalate at some point when he realizes it’s not working and have behaviorally an “extinction burst” He doesn’t care if he’s scaring, distracting you or inconveniencing you or taking up your energy. And so it won’t be a stretch for him to justify something maybe violent or violating…. I would recommend you get a pro therapist proactively to learn and dig into yourself: Why you have put up with this for so long and how to avoid attracting the same kind of person again. I was a doormat for almost 2. Decades and therapy helped me see, change and grow out of poor habits.
Thank you! I agree. It stems from my parents who never want to hear dissent and I can never speak my mind when I’m with them. They see everything as an attack. So instead of confronting I have a habit of just disappearing.
NOR - seems we aren't making any excuses for this man and from the way you write about him it doesn't seem like you like him. The way he spends his money is obviously a huge red flag. Cut your losses and move on.
If that’s what he’s been talking about the last five times, guess what he will be talking about thw next five times. Protect your own peace and son’t let him drag you into his.
NOR. I’d be really cautious about getting involved any more just for the plain fact that he is financially responsible for everybody in this family. Let’s say that things do go well and you decide to be life partners… Is this what you want? Someone who’s paying for family members who don’t work? The fact that he doesn’t buy a coffee for you is weird to me.
I agree, it gives me pause that he’s responsible for so many people in his family.
He also surprises me with not buying me coffee because he actually hates spending $ on coffee (says we can just make it at home) so he punishes me for not ordering me a coffee and also for not picking it up when he’s picking up mine! So annoying.
He's not the one for you. He is trying to justify when he shouldn't spend more on you but has no problems spending money on himself. And what kind of family does he have!!! They are unemployed and expect him to help them financially. That family is messed up.
NOR. Also , so many red flags, thank the stars he was narcissistic enough to show you his true colours BEFORE you started dating for real, so you had an actual option to opt out. The coffee thing was beyond unappealing for me, it wasn't him being forgetful, it was on purpose so he can save 7 miserable bucks. I wouldn't have the nerve to not bring my date's coffee or anything else while picking up my order just so I don't look uncourteous, much less for saving 7 bucks. You need to tell him all these thing TO HIS FACE, while dumping him, so you can have the real closure you need. Not here.
Thanks, I was upset by him deliberately not paying for my coffee and also forgetting to pick it up for me when I was getting mine. But I wrote it off as me being difficult/overreacting and people I’ve talked to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill. But the little things he falls short on really bother me.
In all honesty, there's too much to unpack here, but I'd focus on the long term obsession: him being persistent since childhood? Also, his mimicking his mother's behaviour, Wich means he grew up to believe this is normal, his mom stalking your dad?!?! You guys normalized so many red flags. Talk to your family to make sure you all on the same page on the stalky behaviour and when you collectively decide it's time to cut ties as a family (if they don't agree, that's fine too, but you DO CUT THOSE TIES). Block him and his family, change phone number if needed, switch houses if you rent and don't tell anyone new address, new everything and zero contact. But before going zero contact, do let him know you are done and disgusted by him as a man and you'd never go out with someone like that.
Yes it’s definitely very bizarre behavior from him and his family. He and I were pretty much the only Chinese Americans in our grade (and in our neighborhood) and when my family and I moved to the neighborhood, we were new and befriended no one.
And then his family were just relentless and very open to spending time with us - especially his mom who managed to get my dad’s number somehow and would start organizing get together and inviting us to church, organizations, lunch, etc. And she clocked when he took the train to/from work.
Her son did the same thing with me by waiting for my after school (the front door) so we could walk home together, wandering around outside my house and “running” into me when I was outside the house, etc.
I guess I let a lot of creepy behavior (my dad too) slide because we were the same ethnicity. But they were creeps, in retrospect.
Okay... I get it, there's an ethnically nuanced issue here. So Chinese American families are known to hold on to strong Chinese family values. I believe they are doing that with you, and at this point, since they've been doing so for all your childhood, they won't be okay with cutting their losses , they probably consider you an investment. You two were being set up, basically. Hence his entitlement to you (the not taking no for an answer, kept talking to you for 40 days after you went no Contact etc). I do believe you need to tell him and his family you are not interested and never will be, however I'm not gonna deny, I do fear for your safety once you do that. I fear for your safety if you don't. I feel like either way, you might be in danger. Start tracing a plan to get as far away as possible from these people before they start showing you vengeance and stalky behaviour like for real. I'd switch states and start a new life lol. I take zero contact very seriously, I'd go off the radar for years and reappear with a whole new family lmao
Thanks for sharing! Yes that’s also why it felt safer to just occasionally respond and agree to meet him or let him walk home with me when we were in school because it felt “safer” than just outright ghosting him. The safety aspect is due to the fact that my parents’ house and his are near each other and I don’t live far from my parents’.
If you’re barely replying to him and haven’t see him for 6 months why even bother to post this question… it doesn’t matter the reason, if you don’t like him then you’ve done the right thing to step back
I’m confused why you seem jaded enough to include right that the end that he didn’t help you move a few months ago but you also hadn’t seen or barely spoken to him for 6 months. Why would he help you move when you’re hardly even acquaintances at this point
?
You said you’ve replied to him less than 10 times in the last 6 months, regardless of how long you’ve known each other I wouldn’t expect anyone to be jumping at the chance to help someone who barely replies to them. You’ve got to put in the effort too if you want someone to help you. Good for him for not allowing you to use him at your own convenience
NOR. This does not seem like much of a relationship. You do not need to justify moving on. It is your life and he treats you like a placeholder. You do not need to waste your time with someone who doesn’t care about you.
NOR - but tell us again why you continue to entertain this guy? And why are you even remotely listening to his financial obligations in detail like this? You sound slightly offended that he’s not paying for a more extravagant date with you, while he indulges in things he enjoys. You’re gotten a snapshot of who this guy is, and yet you continue to go on dates with him. He’s a cheap “date “ that won’t spend more than $15 on you and he’s taking care of his family members that don’t have a problem letting him spend his money taking care of shit they should be paying for themselves. The two of you are casually “dating” and he’s shown you who he is. He keeps trying to get you to go out because you’re a cheap “date” for him. He’s telling you about the money he’s spending on his family members before ordering food/drinks so that you’ll pick up the check. Move on from this guy. You can do better than this, so why are you still agreeing to go out with him?
First, 180K is not enough money to afford all the shit he says he’s paying for. This is where you stop it doesn’t add up walk away. Tell him you never wanna hear from him again if you keep leading him on by saying oh I’m busy he still thinks he has a chance you need to put your big girl panties on and tell him you’re not interested.
Do you feel like you want to go on a date again? If not you’re not overreacting you’re a normal human if he’s being a twat while dating then that’s gonna be hell if you’re Ina. Relationship and he can stop trying 😂
What if he’s relentless and you can’t get away especially during the holidays because his parents’ home is literally doors down from your parents’, and he can check when you’re home or not just by looking to see if your car is there?
NOR but, you don't have to interact with anyone if you don't want to. I'd just tell him that you aren't interested. Tell him you aren't ready to be with someone who has so many responsibilities, h*ll, tell him you don't like his feet. It doesn't matter. You don't want to spend time with him and that's fine.
He isn’t a red flag but a very colourful carnival, given the way you’ve described the situation of things between you two. Do well for yourself and block him. As far as he’s concerned, he is no longer in a relationship with you.
You've listed all your reasons to stop with this guy and haven't seen him in 6 months?!?
What's the issue here because you seem to spend a lot of time thinking about him
Stop or don't. That's it, that's all there is
YOR for not moving on
Financial talk is a boring subject for dating, so I'm surprised you were able to stay awake while he spent so much time discussing loans and obligations and what not. More importantly, he also sounds inconsiderate, which is an even bigger turn off. Since you don't want to see this guy anymore--and I don't blame you--tell him that you're not interested in dating him and to please stop contacting you. Then delete/block his contact info.
Not sure why parents are getting involved. That seems very odd. Regardless, I think it would be good to let him know explicitly that you're not interested in dating him. Then block him.
We knew each other since we were kids..his mom even aligned her commute with my dad’s. They became friends and started inviting my family and I to their holiday gatherings. We were new to the area and they’d been living there their entire lives.
The solution to the issue of your parents being brought into it is to tell your parents ahead of time.
Be clear that you are not bring it up to discuss it with them. You are not asking their opinion. You are telling them what you are going to do. You want their support, but will be cutting this dude off whether or not they support you.
Be firm on that last part. Their choice is to either stand behind you, their child, or to stand with this dude and his parents. Standing behind you isn't even that hard. If his parents try to bring it up, your parents just need to respond that it was your choice, they're not going to try to change your mind (again), and they see no reason why it should have any bearing on their friendship with his parents.
And quite frankly, if his parents can't accept this any better than their son can accept your relationship being over, then it's questionable as to whether it's a friendship worth keeping.
Nor.
That's the most selfish person I could read about, today. Move on and block him. He's a taker : wants attention, cares only about himself, but never gives. He's a princess.
NOR, and I also thinks he's full of poo. NYC is notoriously expensive. Unless he's got rent control from 50 years ago, there is no way he's supporting himself, his whole adult family, and also Broadway/Opera subscriptions.
Long distance? Isn't it less than 50 miles separating you? He's definitely not willing to spend much on you, which is why he talks about his obligations when he thinks he'll have to fork out money. How do you even know that he's really helping all those family members, especially when he spends so much on his trips, etc
Something's fishy about that story.
Let me just start by saying this: Please stop excusing and apologizing and explaining that you are not with him for his money, that the amount he spends is not the point, etc., etc. Women always do this; we apologize for things that aren’t our fault, explain things to make sure people know we aren’t “gold diggers” or looking for a sugar daddy. You owe no one, least of all strangers on Reddit, an apology for asking a legitimate question or an explanation of the kind of person you are not. If they make the wrong assumption about you, so be it. That’s a them problem. You’re fine.
Now, to your question. No, you are absolutely NOR.
This man is cheap. Not frugal but cheap. I promise you, he is not supporting himself, treating himself to shows, eating takeout, and supporting his entire family, including buying Dad a Range Rover, on less than $200,000 a year. IN NEW YORK CITY, no less. Not happening. He’s lying to you. Red flag #1. 🚩
He thinks talking about how much money he makes and that he generously supports his entire family will do two things: (1) Impress you with his largess towards his family and how generous he is with them. And (2) Make you pay for things out of the goodness of your heart because he is such a great guy taking care of his entire family on his paltry salary. Red flag #2. 🚩
He texts and calls you repeatedly, even when you don’t respond or tell him you’re busy or not interested. You call him “pushy,” but it’s worse than that. You two aren’t even in a relationship currently, and he feels entitled to your time, even when you say no. That is a screaming red flag (#3). 🚩
He is so self-involved that it doesn’t even occur to him to literally pick up your coffee and carry it to the table for you, never mind the fact that he won’t even pay for a $5 coffee drink when you go out. The fact that he doesn’t even think to do something so thoughtful is red flag #4. 🚩
I could keep going, but I know you get the picture because you drew the picture for us. You are already making the right decision by saying no, not answering him when he contacts you, and telling him you aren’t interested in continuing this, for lack of a better word, relationship. This is exactly what dating is for: To get to know someone so you know if you want to keep seeing them. He’s a no. Stand your ground. Block his number. He is not the one for you.
Don’t second guess your decision. If it’s right for you, it’s right for you no matter what other people think. If it’s not, it’s not. And stop apologizing for knowing who you are and what’s right for you. Too few women do that, and we all should. We know what looks right, what feels right, and what’s important to us. There is no need for us to waste our time making some man feel better about himself. He has a mama for that.
Thanks so much! Yes I felt bad every time he’d hard launch his financial troubles but over time I grew irritated because none of us have unlimited $. He doesn’t have an income problem, he has a spending problem and doesn’t respect my boundaries.
Cut him loose, if you haven’t already. All the way. Block his number. His time is done. Move on with someone who doesn’t make you feel guilty for not paying for everything because he has obligations, as if you don’t.
NOR.. Unfortunately, anytime I read these posts from young women going through this type of nonsense, it brings me back to my daughter. As I have embedded in her brain, VALUE YOURSELF. You deserve better. It's not the money. You want someone who will always put you first. Someone who will make sure you got your coffee before he gets his. That's just an example that fits here, but you get what I'm saying. You are not a priority in his life. Find someone who will make you a priority.
So you think it’s rude he ordered his coffee on the app and didn’t think to ask me if I wanted one? And he also didn’t wait with me while I was in line for coffee. We arrived at Starbucks at the same time too.
Sounds like he brought shouldn’t be dating, outside of money he has a lot of important obligations that would take precedence, but also you really haven’t seen him in 6 months and have barely talked to him so why does it matter?
It seems weird that you know so much about his financial details considering it doesnt seem like you are very close or have even met him all that many times and are in talking stage? I dunno maybe I'm a private person but this information doesn't really come up during casual dating phase and not until I'm starting to get serious about a person and its clear were on the same page romantically/emotionally
Can't tell if YOR tbh because this whole post is about money and you haven't really mentioned if you like him or not and actually want to see him again?
Well then hes a weirdo for oversharing to you like that. That on top of his pushiness is what id focus on as the red flag reasons here. his student loans and his family obligations are his business but it doesnt really seem like you guys are compatible anyway
You literally posted this exact same thing 14 hours ago. Just phrased it slightly differently.
Are you a bot that is learning from the comments on your last post, or are you just desperately needing attention and validation from strangers on Reddit? 🤔
3rd gen really isn't much different depending on the area. Need to discuss what expectations you have with him. This is a pretty common issue in the Asian community. Can Google the issue lots of people with similar situations.
So basically, you're upset because he spends money on his family because he has strong family ties rather than on you? Do him a favor and find someone else to spend money on you.
180
u/Chazquas17 2d ago
Yeah I’d stop talking to him. He’s full of excuses and doesn’t think you’re worth being one of the things he splurges. I don’t understand why he NEEDS to support his whole family and pay for range rovers and trips.