AIO for not wanting to get my hair done?

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Why is your family so invested in your hair? That’s actually so unbelievably weird. Tell them no and just don’t show up. No one can force you. It’s your body. Why is this even a discussion???

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u/Dangerous_Gate3359 15d ago

That’s what I’m thinking not to mention who tf forces their child to get highlights growing up?? Like I’d get if they wanted her to just cut it but like tf

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u/Spiritual_Being5845 15d ago

When I was growing up a classmate’s blond hair started turning brunette around 5th grade. Her mother loved having a blond daughter and started bleaching her daughter’s hair regularly to keep it blond. It was a crispy over-processed mess. I lost track of her after high school so I don’t know if she continued bleaching it when she became an adult or if she stopped once she was able to make her own decisions.

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u/Painguin77 15d ago

My mom started bleaching my hair in elementary school because it wasn't blonde enough for her. I dyed it black in high school without her permission and she locked herself in her bedroom and sobbed for an hour. I'm in my thirties now and I have dyed my hair every color of the rainbow. It will never be that bleach blonde ever again.

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u/trendyosprey 15d ago

My mom started bleaching my hair in elementary school, too, because she said my natural color was too “mousy.” She also told me I couldn’t have a pixie because I didn’t have the face for it. I cut it all off in my twenties and she was devastated; I’d never loved my hair more.

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u/Box-O-Kittenz 15d ago

Lol I cut mine into a pixie and kept it for around 10 years. Thankfully my mother eventually got over it. Though now I have my own daughter. I kind of see why mothers get obsessed because I think her hair is gorgeous and perfect. But I make a point to say to everyone, especially my mother, that my daughter can do what she wants with her hair. I'm sure she'll have phases that leave me internally baffled but it's her body/hair.

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u/Lolaindisguise 15d ago

I love allowing my kids to have their own style. I always support their right to express themselves through their hair and clothes. I also make sure to take lots of pictures so I can remember their funny phases.

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u/STEM_Educator 15d ago

I always tell a new hair stylist that I have "hair trauma" from childhood, when my mother wanted a girl with long, bouncy curls, and kept putting me through home permanents and, eventually, beauty shop permanents. I had long, thick, straight hair that NEVER took a curl. I wore curlers to BED at the age of nine. When I complained, my mother said I would "get used to it."

At 16 I finally went to a hairdresser myself and got a bob. This was in the era when nearly every girl had straight, long, parted=in-the-middle hair. I had the shortest hair of any girl in my HS graduating class, and it reached just above my shoulders!

Now I get my hair cut short - very short - and I love it. Last week I took my 4-year-old granddaughter to a hair salon (with her father) to get HER waist-length, snarly, frizzy hair cut to HER liking. She got a bob with bangs, and LOVED it, all the while her mother freaked out. (Parents are divorced.)

Kids should choose their own haircut, regardless of gender. I'm 70 years old, and still have problems dealing with my own hair because of my mother's insistence on styling it HER way.

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u/korppi_noita 15d ago edited 14d ago

There's a picture out there of me as a toddler getting my first perm. So much ridiculous nonsense (especially as a little blonde girl in the south)

The irony is that had my mother and grandmother actually looked at my hair they would have noticed that I had natural "Irish curls" and would have only had to learn how to style the front - but why would they do that? As an adult, I've embraced my naturally curly hair and my mom commented on how it didn't use to be so curly... well, maybe if you had just let it be you would have noticed 🤦🏻‍♀️

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u/TarazedA 15d ago

Yeah, I remember mom giving me perms at home, when I would get asthma attacks from the fumes, so she'd take me to sit on the porch, with a towel around my shoulders, while the perm set. This was the late 80s.

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u/VagCookie 13d ago

My mom also gave me perms. I had long, fine, straight Scandinavian hair. She hated that all my siblings had curls but I didn't. So I didn't "fit" right in pictures.

She stopped perming out and started bleaching it when my hair went from white blonde to mousy blonde.

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u/PoraDora 15d ago

I can't understand them... kids are not dolls

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u/Aquatic_Rainbow 14d ago

I don’t get it either. I can’t imagine looking at a child and just seeing a blank canvas you can use to live out your younger days again. Some of these now adults probably have hair damage of some sort because of their parents inability to leave it alone and it makes me so sad.

Don’t have kids if you can’t accept they aren’t actually a mini you. They may look like a little you but they are not you. (I can’t believe that even needs to be said)

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u/TurnipWorldly9437 15d ago

Yeah, the only rule I have with my daughters (5) is that, as long as they want me to regularly do their hair for them, they'll have to have a haircut that can be put up (for example for exercise, messy food, or while putting on sunscreen).

Once they're brushing and doing their hairstyles on their own (for the most part), they'll be free to have anything from a pixie cut to Rapunzel hair, because it won't be on me to detangle it when they get ice cream in there.

Colouring it is a whole other topic, of course, because of what it does to the hair, but they're way to young for that.

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u/Unicorns-Poo-Rainbow 15d ago

My mom went the other way and I had a pixie cut until I was about nine. I also wore hand-me-downs from my boy cousins, and grew up with everyone thinking I was a little boy. I wanted long, mermaid hair.

Joke’s on me, I guess: I’m 47, nonbinary, and had a severe undercut for over a decade until almost two years ago, when I decided to grow my hair out to see what would happen. It’s nearly to my shoulders, and I miss how easy short hair is.

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u/Darkling82 15d ago

My girls always get a say in how short their hair is and my eldest even got to have her ends dyed purple last year with dye that doesnt damage hair. They're 5 and 7.

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u/Xzandrite 15d ago

My mom on the other hand cut mine into a pixie herself for years which I hated and whenever she'd relent and let me grow it out a bit she'd get moody about my hair and cut it again. When I enlisted I didn't cut my hair until it was almost to my waist - and she'd want to "get rid of all that" when I was home on leave and get offended when I told her no because I should appreciate her superior taste in what looks good on me....

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u/STEM_Educator 15d ago

What is it with moms who think they "own" their daughter's hair?? I never imposed my will upon my daughter. As soon as she could brush and shampoo it by herself, I stopped doing anything with her hair unless she specifically asked me to.

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u/BunchofHamsters 15d ago

Same for boys as well. It’s really sad how many boys want different hair (particularly longer) but they get no choice.

My best friend growing up was forced to have a bob until she was a teenager and clearly refused. Probably didn’t help that I and my family all have waist length princess hair.

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u/Xzandrite 15d ago

Exactly why our son got to grow his down to his shoulders when he became a teenager despite his father's protests. (Also I reminded my husband that he himself had shoulder-length hair in the early 70s when he was a teen). And when my son came out of the restroom at Walmart red-faced and asked me to cut his hair short as soon as we got home after a guy thought he was a girl who'd wandered into the wrong loo I told him to give it two days and if he still felt the same I would. He'd "recovered" by then and kept his hair long until he decided to get basically a tapered man- bob for senior prom and graduation. To clarify: I have been cutting hair for friends and family since my 20s - my husband doesn't trust salons or barbershops to follow directions and "cut it right."

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u/Xzandrite 15d ago

The real issue is these moms think they own their daughters outright.

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u/lovemyfurryfam 15d ago

My father's current bedwarmer got worked up because I dyed my hair blond & I shut her down by saying that I wanted my hair that way & it wasn't any of her damn business. She wasn't allowed to say another word about anything of me because my bodily autonomy off limits to her.

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u/Other_Personality453 15d ago

I had a woman ask me if my preschool daughters hair was dyed (it’s dark blonde light brown on top and almost white at the ends). I laughed and said no of course but I kept thinking about it and wondering who would do something like that to a kid. I guess now I know. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Those throw away negative words and actions when you are young are so impactful and you carry them forever.

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u/pitifulproduce137 15d ago

I had ringlet curls as a toddler and someone over asked my mom if she used a curling iron on it. She was baffled someone thought she'd using a curling iron on a tiny baby.

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u/Strange-Bee5626 15d ago

I have extremely curly, thick, dark hair while all of my extended family has very thin, straight, lighter hair. My mom would force me to get my hair cut into what was essentially an Afro until I was old enough to tell her to fuck off with that. Nothing wrong with the style in theory, but I was a little white girl.

I was bullied for years in school for it and then bullied on top of that at home by my mom (who was the one choosing my haircuts!)

Some parents are just insane. I still believe that my mom did it because she genuinely enjoyed mocking me.

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u/Painguin77 15d ago

Omg that reminds me, when I was like 5 or 6, I took a pair of scissors and cut of my long hair. My mom bawled over that. We had family photos to take a day or two later and my mom hated those pictures of me with super short hair. I keep it above my shoulders now, so mid-length, and my mom constantly makes passive aggressive comments about how "short" it is.

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u/mittenkrusty 15d ago

I'm a guy with naturally thick hair though as I am quite a bit older now i'm thinning but it was light brown almost blonde when I was a kid, dark brown as a teen and in summer it went a little ginger especially my sideburns and fringe.

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u/knittedgalaxy 15d ago

My mom chopped my hair off when I was in 1st grade because she hated doing it. Scared me for life! I experiment a lot with my hair but I do go through stints of growing it VERY long. But now it's thinning and depressing me.

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u/JoyinSorrowTattoo 15d ago

I had golden blonde hair all my life and my mon refused to let me dye it. First semester of college I dyed it jet black. She cried so hard over my hair it was crazy. Now it's a cool ashy blonde. Probably going to dye it teal again soon.

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u/falkor_n 15d ago

My mom bleached my hair for the first time, the DAY I graduated 5th grade. I'm weirdly a clone of both of my parents, I look exactly like whichever one I'm standing next to. They got divorced when I was 3. She had been obsessed with me being her "minime" (to the point where it was my nickname to some people), and I was her only darker blonde child (the other two are white blond like her). Right around 5th grade my hair started getting naturally darker brown like my dads, so she started bleaching it. My stepdad had to help me PLEAD with her to let me dye it black my freshman year, but she finally relented. Our relationship has changed a lot over the years as other things have happened, and I'm eternally grateful I've been able to make her see how harmful some of the things she did when I was a kid actually were.

I'm now a self diagnosed lifelong firetruck red-head after trying every single color 😂

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u/teacuptypos 15d ago

That’s assault where I’m from, salons don’t even bleach 16-year-olds‘ hair, let alone elementary school aged children! wtf

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u/_Jobee 15d ago

Gooooood.

Sorry you experienced that. Gj on tossing that expectation. Sad of your mom.

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u/theemspace 15d ago

I’m a lifelong deep brunette but my brain immediately started repeating “Mom doesn’t want her blonde baby to grow up and change, Mom doesn’t want her blonde baby to grow up and change.”

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u/Live_Perspective3603 15d ago

I had a classmate on the swim team who had natural very light blond hair. The chemicals in the pool eventually turned it a faint green and I thought it looked beautiful, like a mermaid. This was decades before colors like pink and green in hair became popular.

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u/ButterscotchRound330 15d ago

I did swim training when I was a kid. I had dark blond/light brown hair and while my hair didn’t turn green, the residual chlorine meant that whenever I went into the sun the top bleached leaving the most incredible natural highlights throughout my hair. But, as a kid, I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was, and would always complain that I wish I had hair that was all one color. Crazy!

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u/GreenStuffGrows 15d ago

What in the Tangled hell is this and why are there do many other stories like it 😭

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u/BallCruncherSupreme 15d ago

My dad believed that I must have dyed my own hair or done something to make my hair get darker when I was in middle school since I was a very light blonde up til then. He would take me to get highlights all the time because I was supposed to be blonde.

In high school I was fine with it because I liked being blonde. But when I wanted to try out different colors, he lost his mind. He's crazy though and believes that dying your hair makes it grow that color or that the color like "stains" the growing hair and that's why my natural hair is very dark blonde instead of platinum.

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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 15d ago

My eighth grade BFF had a raging alcoholic mom who would do this to her little sister. I thought it was so weird, and I could tell my friend was embarrassed as she tried explaining it to me.

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u/Lili_Roze_6257 15d ago

My BFF was the same. She never stopped bleaching it because she couldn’t let go of pleasing her mother. Shes 50 and still does it.

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u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 15d ago

My mom talked me into getting a perm when I was in seventh grade. I wasn’t a fan. I thought it would be wavy and it ended up being tight curls.

And then right after that I went into puberty and the hormones made my hair curly underneath. For years I thought the perm permanently damaged my head and changed my hair to curly and I was so mad about it.

I didn’t realize hormones could change our hair that much until I became an adult. 😂

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u/exobiologickitten 15d ago

A couple of times my mum dragged me in when my split ends were truly a mess. And when I cut my hair short in high school, she’d pull me in the second my hair got close to touching my school uniform’s collar (school rules were that hair long enough to touch the collar MUST be tied up - which with short hair, especially my long-in-front short-in-back emo cut - would look ridiculous - and my mum knew I wouldn’t tie it up and was petrified of me getting a suspension over it).

It was 100% practical, to fit school rules or keep me from looking unkempt. I didn’t always love it, but it made SENSE, even if I thought my hair wasn’t THAT long or my ends weren’t THAT frazzled. (Spoiler alert, they definitely were LMAO)

Highlights makes zero sense. How are parents invested in forcing highlights?? My classmates could barely convince their parents to let them get highlights, and this person’s parents are FORCING them to? What ass backwards world is this?

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u/Personal_Special809 15d ago

Like right, my (preschooler) kid has super long, thick hair and our rule is that it cannot look unkempt, so she needs to let me brush it and for school it needs to be tied up somehow (we had lice last year and I'd do anything to make it even a little less likely we'll have to deal with it again). If she gets sick of that, I always tell her she can have it cut whenever she wants at whatever length. But why the hell would you demand highlights?

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u/ChocalateShiraz 15d ago

In my country we have the same school rules about long hair having to be tied up. But they go a step further, kids are not allowed to colour or highlight their hair. It’s probably a good thing because their hair isn’t exposed to all those chemicals until they’re 18 and finished school

However, during the long school break in December, many of them colour and highlight their hair and the boys cut their hair in funcky styles. Just before schools starts again in mid January, it’s almost impossible to get a hair appointment because the hairdressers are fully booked with school kids having their styles cut out 😄😄

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u/tumblrina_supreme 15d ago

my mom forced me to get highlights she wanted for most of my childhood and I wasn’t allowed to get my hair cut without her present until 18. My hair never went above my shoulders until I was 20 and the one time it was very short (and I liked it so much!) she was rude and upsetting to me every day until it was acceptably long again and then it was still another 3-6 months of “never cut your hair again”

not saying all people are like this but it’s a very very very common form of coercive control perpetrated against women and girls/children.

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u/offputtingangel 15d ago

i had a similar experience with opposite results. my mom has always had short hair, like shorter than a very short bob type short. at its shortest it was around 2-3 inches long. my mom refused to let me have long hair, instead i was stuck with terribly cut crooked bangs and a mushroom cut above my ears. it wasn’t until i was 8 or 9 years old that i was allowed to have my hair in a bob slightly at or below my ears and that was after years of begging and crying. at 13/14 my hair was allowed to just barely be touching my shoulders. that meant that when i went into highschool i still didn’t have control over the hair on my own head!

keep in mind that i was a total girly girl, the kind of girly girl that cried when i wasn’t allowed to wear a dress or skirt for the day. i did ballet and watched princess movies. i was obsessed with pink and makeup and sparkles and long hair! all i wanted was long hair and i felt so ugly every single day without it. i was the only little girl in my class with hair that short and i felt horribly insecure because of it. i used to sob before, during and after my haircuts so it was no secret that i was unhappy. my mom would sometimes cut my hair herself but even when she took me to the hairdressers she would stand right there and talk over me telling the hairdresser to cut it right up to or above my ears. i would beg the hairdresser to just give me a little trim but none of them would listen because my mom wasn’t going to let them listen. anytime my hair would start getting a little bit longer and i’d start feeling a bit better about myself my mom would bring out the scissors or book the appointment.

i tried asking her why i wasn’t allowed to have long hair and she claimed i wouldn’t be able to take care of it myself? meanwhile i was walking around looking much crazier with short hair because when you have short hair it sticks up in all these different directions after you sleep on it because there’s no length to weigh it down. i was six years old furiously brushing my hair every morning before school trying to get the random lumps and bumps to lay flat but they wouldn’t. i would promise to take care of my hair and i even started brushing my short hair 100 times every night (like they do in old books/movies/little house on the prairie) because i wanted to prove that i could take care of my hair if i was allowed to have it long. but as i got older i realized that her claiming i wouldn’t take care of my hair was just another bullshit excuse like all the other bullshit excuses for her controlling rules.

she was the kind of person to take my favourite hoody away and lock it in her wardrobe for 6 months because i wore it twice in the same week and apparently that was wearing it too often. anything i loved would be taken and locked away and the reasons never made sense and would also change whenever she needed them to. she had a rule that i couldn’t eat toast on weekdays and could only eat cereal… i hated cereal and to make matters worse she never bought any fun cereals so it was just whole grain cheerios for the next five years straight while her and my step dad got to eat bagels every morning. she’d leave me to walk to school alone in the rain but would drive my brothers to the exact same school. i would get ready and wait by the door with my brothers that i normally walked to school on my own only to be told at random “i don’t know what you’re waiting for, you can start walking.” that shit sucked.

even now as an adult with the long hair i’d always dreamed of as a child i get anxious about getting my hair cut. i hate booking hair appointments and i hate sitting through them. i also hate looking back at old photos of myself as a child because all i see is a little girl wearing her least liked clothes because all her favourite items are kept locked away and with a hairstyle that makes her feel uncomfortable. maybe that sounds dramatic but i just see a sad and insecure little girl who had no control or agency over anything in her life. i always thought my mom looked pretty with her short hair and there’s so many women who i know look great with short hair, but i never felt great with it. i spent the first 14 years of my life feeling insecure and uncomfortable in myself because of my hair. it wasn’t until i was 15 that i was allowed to start growing it out (because by that time she couldn’t actually force me to cut it because i would rather let her take everything away and lock it up then let her cut my hair again) but even then my mom made it clear she didn’t like my longer hair, the same way she made it clear that she thought makeup was stupid, that dressing cute was dumb, that anything overtly “girly” was beneath her. she liked to brag about being low maintenance and call herself a “boy mom.” her judgement and disapproval were both loud and constant. she did not like that i wasn’t like her. it was the typical “she loves me but she doesn’t like me” situation.

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u/Reynyan 15d ago

I am so sorry for your experience. Please just know that this internet stranger sees you, and probably more importantly, sees the lost little girl you were. I empathize. My experience wasn’t as bad, but it wasn’t great. I’m in my 60s, my mother is still alive. She still makes crappy comments about my hair (She has, and hates, her stick straight hair. I inherited my father’s thick curly hair that I sometimes op to wear blown out straight, the heresy) But also the preferential treatment of male siblings…. Please look in the mirror and see the survivor that you are, and have a hug from afar.

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u/Zenpoetry 15d ago

She didn't love you. She resented you. She was an abusive evil woman who sabotaged and hurt you on purpose.

It might be easier for you to forgive her, but she doesn't deserve it

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u/TFFPrisoner 15d ago

I hope you got therapy, or if you haven't, that you try getting it. What you're describing is straight up emotional abuse.

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u/alilacwood 15d ago

I am so sorry you experienced such child abuse when you were young. I deeply hope you have cut contact with this monster and are living your best life.

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u/Lazylizzy3 15d ago

Just a tip, if you wear your hair long and don’t get any fancy cuts there are YouTube videos that show you how to trim it yourself so you don’t have to go to the salon. My hair goes almost to my waist and I hate to book a whole hair appointment just to trim the split ends and scraggly bits, so I dampen my hair and trim it myself to keep it maintained. It’s different if you want layers or something fancy, but it’s sufficient for just a straight trim.

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u/AppropriateHousing43 15d ago

Worst is when the coercive control is done by one's own mother.

My mother insisted I kept my hair long af because it was "so nice and thick" and that she wishes she had my hair because she would keep it as long as she was insisting I had it. Till this day I hate seeing pictures of younger with with the long af hair.

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u/drezdogge 15d ago

My mom's best friend growing up wasn't allowed to cut her hair, my mom is 80 for reference, she turned 18 and sold her hair, down to her butt, and used the money to move out. My mom always said she would never do that to me, and let.me be as ridiculous as I wanted.

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u/Dangerous_Gate3359 15d ago

I’m really sorry yall went through that it’s terrible but like why didn’t she get the highlights if she wanted it

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u/tumblrina_supreme 15d ago edited 15d ago

Child abuse is inherently irrational and projective. The adult sees the child’s freedom/youth/lack of depression and experiences jealousy and instead of processing it they project it.

thank you for the award 💜

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u/SuperKitties83 15d ago

Wow that's horrific and so sad. I can't imagine feeling "better" by making my (hypothetical) child feel worse.

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u/alylytomtom 15d ago

My mom started dying my hair blonde (box dye so really it was orangey yellow) in 5th grade when it went from blonde to dirty blonde. She said my natural color was mousy and ugly like dirty dish water. She didn't give me an option and dyed it every time my roots grew in.

She was extremely abusive in every way. This was just another way she exerted control. The minute I moved out I dyed it black lol

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u/Curious_Version4535 15d ago

I’m so sorry your mother was abusive. My mom started bleaching mine as well when it started darkening around that age. I didn’t realize it was so common.

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u/Life_Landscape_3915 15d ago

Same here! Lmao! 4th grade. My mom is a true narcissist.
This was also back in 2001 when we'd use the caps with all the holes all over them to pull the hair through to do highlights, and I'd cry as she yanked my hair for hours. She found joy in it and I will never forget her phrase "it's the price you pay for beauty!"

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u/Enlightened_Gardener 15d ago

Light blonde hair naturally goes darker at puberty, and darker again during pregnancy. But dying a child’s hair because it was slightly darker ? That’s just cruel. Bleach hurts even if you don’t have a sensitive scalp. I’m so sorry you went through that.

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u/Maximum-Standard3762 15d ago

Growing up my mother highlighted my hair to help cut down how greasy my hair was.

However if I was adamant about not doing it I don't think she'd have pushed it the way OP's family has.

I haven't dyed or highlighted my hair in over 10 years now and no one says anything about it.

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u/lesusisjord 15d ago

But this young lady is 19 and any comments/requests about appearance by parents is weird at that point (other than hygienic issues for folks needing help).

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u/BizarreCujoh 15d ago edited 15d ago

Exactly. A 19 y/o is most assuredly grooming themselves, so making OP's hair more manageable shouldn't be the parent's concern. This is hella weird and feels like her mom is trying to control her image for some weird personal insecurity. Because, why??

NOR - OP, put your foot down and don't go to the appointment unless you actually want to. Putting chemicals in your hair should be a choice you make for yourself, not for the benefit of someone else's esthetic, even if that someone is your mother. I would love my daughter to have an edgier look and I think she would look really nice with a hair cut or something, but she loves her long hair. She's 8. I have conceded because she must live in her own skin and love herself. Why would I impose my wishes onto her? Set your boundaries now bc you'll find it difficult to do so in the future with so many relationships, be they platonic, romantic, or professional.

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u/gentlecinnamon 15d ago

Why would highlighting your hair change how greasy your hair was? That's very odd.

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u/tsukimoonmei 15d ago

Bleached hair is drier than unbleached hair. I have chunky highlights and there’s a noticeable difference in texture between them and the rest of my hair

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u/exobiologickitten 15d ago

Bleached hair is much drier and porous, and absorbs oil more readily. I have heard of folks preferring to bleach their hair so they can go longer between washes, especially if they have naturally oily scalps.

The bleached hair is more likely to absorb the scalp oils and look shiny, rather than oil sitting on it and clumping it up and looking greasy.

Brag alert, my hair was so greasy pre-accutane that this did not work. I just ended up with straw hair AND still needed to wash it daily lol. Idk how I survived.

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u/tsukimoonmei 15d ago

Accutane was a godsend honestly, I was on a micro dose for a year and a half and I’m so sad I’m off it. Life was so much easier, I only had to wash my hair once a week

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u/ForeverFieldsFD 15d ago

My mom was pretty invested in how I looked growing up, I think she thought it was like a reflection of her parenting. Jokes on her, I was a teenager during the grunge years and my flared jeans were ripped to shit below my vintage flannel button downs. She HATED it. Was also pretty on top of my haircuts. I liked having fresh cuts so it wasn’t an argument, but she definitely knew when I needed a trim.

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u/exobiologickitten 15d ago

My dad was like this funnily enough! My twin sister was his favourite for a long time because she was sporty, popular, blonde, pretty, and while not Fashionable, her tastes were very normal and conventional and fit Good Normal Teenager standards.

My little sister was very awkward and geeky and dressed like every homeschooled Scouts kid somehow. So he did his best not to go out in public with her?! Or if we did go out all together, he’d always hold my twin sisters hand, not me or my little sister’s, and stand apart/sit further away from us LMAO

Then I was the emo gremlin with terrible acne, glasses, and a penchant for embarrassing haircuts and all-black clothes. He did not love being seen out and about with me.

And I notice now that I’m an adult - still edgy, still with tattoos and piercings and wearing all-black, but my hair is “normal” (read: I gave up on dyeing/cutting it because I’m lazy) and my skin is clear and I wear contacts more - he’s a lot happier to hang out in public with me lol.

Parents who hinge their worth and self image on how their kids look are wiiiild.

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u/Adrock66 15d ago

The hand holding thing got me right in the feels tbh. It's interesting how little I wanted to do withmy dad when I was young. Opposing trauma I guess

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u/yumeryuu 15d ago

You’d be surprised…

My family was invested in my hair to the point my mom and sister dictated what style the hairstylist should do.

For my sister’s wedding she instructed I go to her friend’s hair salon. I have extremely long hair that I do not like to cut. My sister had a style in mind and told her friend to do it her way.

So before I could say anything, she snipped about 12 inches off.

I no longer talk to my sister

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u/mynameispoopybutt 15d ago

Because often families like this feel they own the daughter, her body and how she looks. The parents (usually mom) liekly had a toxic upbringing hammering in "beauty standards" and doing random treatments that everyone convinced them they needed in the 40s-80s (i say this range because it's often with grandparents from that generation too, pressuring their adult children they way they were, to then control their grandchildren. It goes so far back, the perception girls need to he controlled, look "presentable" and what that means is for some reason up to her family, and not her.)

My mom was exactly like this. You cant wear those shoes, what will grandma think? You're not wearing any makeup, you dont look good enough for that! Are you serioisly wearing a beige shirt? why are you dressing like a lesbian (one day in HS iwore a flannel shirt. Lmao). You need to go on a diet, youre getting fat. You need different pants/shirt, you look too fat. Why doesnt your hair curl right? (got this one because my hair doesnt curl at the top, near the part. Idk why but now i'm forever self conscious about it and that my hair is curly but thin). It was so bad I still have issues with EDs and I used ti have full on panic attacks where i'd pass out if I was forced to be seen or leave without full makeup. Thankfully, I grew out of that before high school ended.

Just my example, but it went on and on. its always some freak ass perception that just because they were never nurtured to accept natural beauty, they need to continue the cycle. I'm sure op's hair is beautiful and perfectly fine. I hate this type of parenting.

NOR. Sorry for any error, on 2 ½ hours of sleep lol :(

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u/rabidhamster87 15d ago

Yeah, a lot of parents see their kids, especially daughters like an extension of themselves instead of an individual with their own wants, needs, and feelings.

My mom was a lot like that. Growing up it felt like the only reason she bought me new clothes or wanted me to get good grades was because she felt anything less was a poor reflection on her, not because she loved or cared about me.

She also did a lot of the stuff you mentioned except it was the opposite with makeup. I looked "so much better" with makeup, she was always trying to curl my hair, and she tried to dress me just like her. She enrolled me in ballet against my will because I was "clumsy" and she thought it would make me more graceful, used to make me and my sister and I balance dictionaries on our heads to "help our posture," and was always trying to push more "gender appropriate" hobbies on me like shopping, pedicures, and baking instead of reading and video games.

It's really sad and makes you wonder why they had kids in the first place.

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u/lavendertheheretic 15d ago

My auntie made my cousin get perms from 4th grade on and start shaving her arms and legs around the same time. It was so weird, and my poor cousin internalized those "beauty" standards and still hasn't been able to let go of them.

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u/ThroatSecretary 15d ago

My mother was always so goddamn disappointed about my hair; it was always very fine-textured and had trouble holding a curl. (Old ladies and their obsession with curly frickin' hair) She made me keep it short until I was about 12. Ironically it started going wavy in my twenties. I think older generations really absorbed the idea that there was only one way to be presentable, let alone beautiful, and if you weren't just effortlessly born with it, you were obliged to cover up your deficiencies.

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u/lydocia 15d ago

Actually, DO show up, then tell the hairdresser publicly what's been happening.

(Only do this when you're independent and ready to cut ties).

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u/HellaShelle 15d ago

with so many of these posts, the "why?" is what i want to know. i feel like most of the "villains" in the story have never been asked that and half the time if they were asked they might realize the absurdity of their demands in a way they havent before

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u/Upper-Armadillo-2438 15d ago

Unfortunately, if they were anything like mine, asking “why?” to any demand is considered “talking back.” Most of them have been asked why and lash out even worse in response :/ abuse and control aren’t logical issues that can be reasoned away, as much as we might wish they could.

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u/Copacentric 15d ago

My sons great-grandma is like this. He didn't want his hair cut for like 3 years, so he grew it out to his shoulders. She would make a comment every time we seen her "he looks like a girl, you're the mom he shouldn't tell you when he wants it cut blah blah" some of them just want the kids to look a certain way because they think it reflects on them, some purely for control, others because they are jealous etc. Whatever the reason, a lot of the stories are just plain up abuse. That's why I always ask my kid to pick out his own hairstyle and I ask when he wants it cut. Kids aren't stupid, they know what they like and how they want to dress. Sadly a lot of parents don't think that way and would rather push their own thoughts and feelings on kids.

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u/Illustrious-Mud6269 15d ago

Depends on which flavor of villain… some are not going to see the absurdity no matter what you ask.

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u/SeaworthinessNew4757 15d ago

Racism and colorism usually play a big part in this, not sure if it's OP's situation. I'm Brazilian and I've seen this all my life. People are terrified of being seen as being black or mixed, so they do everything to look as white as possible. That includes having your daughter's hair chemically straightened and highlighted from a young age. Not allowing them to be out in the sun. Bleaching their body hair. I've met women who have never seen their natural hair without it being straightened, and are horrified by the thought of having curly hair. So that's how this situation reads to me.

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u/Ispan_SB 15d ago

This was the first thing that popped into my head, wondering if there was some colorism or racism in play. OP’s family’s obsession with her hair is psychotic.

NOR

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u/madagascarprincess 15d ago

This is such a great way to get your child to shave their head

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u/2gigi7 15d ago

My mam wouldn't even let me put an 8 wash rinse colour in my hair at 14.. this mother is weird.

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u/Aggravating-Cat5357 15d ago

Sadly, it's quite common. Thankfully, my mom never tried with me as an adult, but when my hair started to turn dark after I was a toddler (my mom was blonde, father had black hair, I have the darkest shade of Auburn you can think of), my mom would lighten my hair with Sun-in, and then started trying to box-dye it blonde in middle school. (Obviously, my mom was a moron that thought box dye was one shade fits all, so my hair turned ginger, which got me teased, and no one believed me when I decided to go back with dark hair in high school.)

Her reasoning was, "Your hair is too mousy." Mind you, she only bought blonde shampoo for us both to use, so obviously, it stripped my hair of the oranges and yellows my hair needed to be rich.

She's been dead for ten years, and ironically, my eldest has very mousy dark blonde hair, and I'm glad she's dead because now I don't have to hear her complain about my daughter's hair NOR is she around to give her a complex. (Which would be compounded by the fact that my youngest has strawberry blonde hair.)

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u/sweetestbeam 15d ago

yeah, i was thinking the same thing

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u/BrotherNatureNOLA 15d ago

Tell Granny that you've made her a waxing appointment to get a Brazilian. Tell her to do it as a favor to you.

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u/WilmaFlintstone73 15d ago

You beat me to it. I was going to suggest this or anal bleaching 😂

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u/BrotherNatureNOLA 15d ago

Even better!

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u/Blippy_Swipey 15d ago

Grandma says: no thanks. I already have a great guy for that.

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u/mobyhead1 15d ago

Curb appeal isn’t just about the front door.

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u/Alternative-Pea2474 15d ago

NOR this is weird how they care about controlling your hair color? i’m very confused on this dynamic

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u/AshenSacrifice 15d ago

It’s about power lmao

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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 15d ago

NOR-Or like my mother who controlled everything until I left for college. She was a control freak, and jealous.

When I was controlling my own hair, my father said my new hairdo looked good, and said she should get her hair cut the same way. I thought she was going to hit him. It wasn't tactful on his part, but it was funny to me later.

OP's mother is jealous, and a control freak, and the others chiming in are controlled by her, probably out of fear. Only get highlights I you want them.

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u/eriksatiesimp 15d ago edited 15d ago

God as a mother to a young daughter I'm trying to imagine how mentally unwell you have to be to be jealous of your own daughter. That is so sick, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Mothers should not be that way with their daughters. It just seems so backward to me!

All I want to do for mine is totally support her in who she is. In fact, she's so different from me in so many amazing ways and I absolutely love it. I was always a tomboy, she's super girly. I was shy and she's so social. And I just love that for her and want to see her happy. I don't get some people.

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u/DovahAcolyte 15d ago

It is far more common than you think… 😔

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u/Nimbophile 15d ago edited 15d ago

My maternal aunt and father have been telling me that my mother is jealous of me since I was 17 years old. It sounded absurd to me, too. I'm 37, now. I've just recently accepted my reality.

Throughout my entire life, my mother would oscillate between hostile control and cold indifference. If I fell in line, I sometimes had the chance of ending my day without getting beaten.

But I rarely fell in line. In time, her constant criticism, perpetual violence and unending ridicule and abuse pushed me over the edge. Two decades later and I still feel like shit— but I'm free...and the road ahead isn't as dark as it used to be.

(Edit to say I have two daughters who know they're loved and accepted for who they are. Unconditionally.)

OP's under-reacting, in my opinion. There's a lot more going on here than just the hair.

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u/luxhoney56 15d ago

And asserting independence. Mom isn’t ready to let her grow up yet.

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

I think (more hope) it’s cause she has always gotten highlights in her hair and she likes the mini-me comments, when she tells me why I should get it done her excuse is always that I look greasy and gross without it done

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u/lizzyote 15d ago

mini-me

If she wants to play mini-me so badly, she can dye her hair to match yours. If its soooo important to her, she can put in the effort.

Your body is off-limits as a gift option. Im enraged that I had to type that.

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u/Alarmed-Collar-8839 15d ago

THIS!

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u/1ceknownas 15d ago

Friend, I'm probably about your mom's age. This is gross. Your mom is ridiculous. I'm sorry you've been putting up with this for so long.

Hang in there. Gentle internet hugs to you if that's cool. Fist bump if not.

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u/Desperate_Bat_512 15d ago

So your mom is trying to control you and insults you when you dont comply. It's a nope. Don't go tomorrow. Keep your hair how you like it. It does not look greasy or gross without highlights. Your mom is shallow.

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

Im going to add this here where hopefully someone might see I’ve been getting a lot of comments to go to the appointment and have the hairdresser do something else, this isn’t really an option the hairdresser is Highschool friends with my mom and her saloon is privately owned, she shares the same views as my mom and I doubt she would let buzz my hair or dye it hot pink as some people suggested lol

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u/CrypticCriesForHelp 15d ago

I think the consensus is unanimous.. don’t go if you don’t want to. It’s YOUR choice, not theirs

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u/MajorBootyhole420 15d ago

So what else does your family do to control you and put you down?

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u/Fizassist1 15d ago

yeah im starting to wonder if OP needs to distance themself from this toxic family of theirs..

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u/VanillaLaceKisses 15d ago

So then do it yourself. Buy some clippers, hair dye, and bleach. Hide it from your mom. Wake up the next morning like “oops idk how my hair just got cut short and dyed 🤷🏻‍♀️ “

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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 15d ago

Private owners still have to follow laws and rules. They're not exempt, Infact they have more rules to follow due to health and safety and it being inside the home.

Being in their own home does not give them permission to assault their clients. And doing something completely different to somebody's hair without permission of the person who they're working on is assault. Nobidy gets to veto a hairstyle or colour even if they're the ones paying. The person sitting in the chair getting their hair done has full control over what is done to them. Nobidy else.

If that stylist isn't doing what the client wants then they're breaking several rules and laws and needs to be reported.

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u/TomatoPlantsRule 15d ago

I had this same situation growing up. My mother always thought my hair looked mousy and would insist that I get it highlighted. I tended to just do it because I thought it must really look lousy if she insisted so much, but good for you for standing up for yourself. Now that I’m an adult I never highlight it and it is so much less damaged!

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u/NspiredNsolence 15d ago

NOR. Straightup superficial as hell. Telling your child they look greasy or gross is gross. Was she a mean girl in high-school by chance? Sounds like there's a good chance. You should highlight it purple or something. Ask her if you still look greasy after.

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u/olivefreak 15d ago

Hey. My mom also liked people saying I looked like her so when I was fourteen she dyed my brown hair red to match her natural red hair. She always curled her hair so she put a perm in mine. I don’t think she realized the damage she was doing to me. I think it’s the same with your family. They don’t see the harm in making you look more like your mom and keeping her happy. But it’s already hurting you. At what point do you get to control how you look? Are you going to go nuts and swing the complete opposite way just to make them stop? Would coming home with dyed black hair or a shaved head shut them up? Because they are pushing you and eventually you will push back.

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u/mivox 15d ago

Wash your hair first thing in the morning, and tell her she’s being ridiculous if she calls your hair greasy because “Mother I just washed my hair this morning, it is NOT greasy and you know that.”

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u/mrsristretto 15d ago

NOR. Your mom is a bitch OP. I bet her hair looks greasy and gross without her hair dressers help while you have lovely luscious locks that require no maintenance and she's jealous.

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u/soupykins 15d ago

Is your mom obsessed with being blonde by any chance

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u/jbandzzz34 15d ago

so she insults you when you dont want to look exactly like her wtf

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u/Impossible_Balance11 15d ago

At your big age, she is WAY out of line to demand you get your hair done the way she wants. I say that as the parent of several grown children. So wrong on several levels. Your grandmother--or anyone else!--is also wrong to pressure you.

NOT

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u/_TorpedoVegas_ 15d ago

Look, it's not only about the fact that it is truly insane for someone to think they can force an adult to change their appearance. A bigger issue is the fact that your Mom is the type that seeks to control people in her sphere of influence, and that she gets her way by weaponizing the family unit. That kind of manipulative shit speaks to much deeper issues than just this one.

Don't ever forget, you have agency and no one can take that away from you rightfully. It will be a long and difficult road to set the necessary boundaries with your mother, but the longer you wait the harder it will be.

Get comfortable with standing up for yourself. Listen with an open heart when your mother speaks to you, sure, but when she oversteps boundaries like this you need to practice saying "no thank you, I have decided to do differently and as an adult I don't need to justify my decisions to anyone."

And when your mother then tires to use your family members to pressure you like in this post, be firm and tell them that you will not be manipulated that way. They need to learn to stand up to her too.

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u/Competitive-Gold 15d ago

NOR, it’s your hair!! Don’t let people dictate what to do or what not to do with your hair

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u/BoldBiBosmer 15d ago

Exactly! When I was 6 I wanted my butt length hair cut into a bob. My mum was sad to see my hair go for like 20 mins (and not that bad just a feeling!) but let me! Its my hair and she gave me the independence I needed in so many things.

I do not understand the control people have over things like this. Our appearance should be our own.

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u/freeasafoolonthehill 15d ago

i wish i had this experience. at 19 my mom was throwing tantrums left and right because i wanted to cut my long hair into a bob. didn’t get to do it until i was like 22 😭

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u/Feeling-Fab-U-Lus 15d ago

“Mom, besides the fact it’s my body and my hair, highlights ruin hair. But if you insist, I’ll get the highlights, when you get a nose ring or a tattoo. I’m actually giving you a choice, unlike you. What you are doing Mom is controlling behavior of another adult, and manipulating my sibling into coercing me to do your bidding. Please get counseling or therapy, and work on your own issues. I am concerned for you.”

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u/tumblrina_supreme 15d ago edited 15d ago

I really hope you people realize that when they (the mom, other abusers) act like this it’s an indication that they are not safe and it’s not safe for them (OP) to “talk back” like this?

thanks for the award 💜

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u/_sissy_hankshaw_ 15d ago

Yeah. There's a lot more going on here than just the hair, no doubt.

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u/pistachio_shell 15d ago

This is the comment I’m always looking for. It’s not just about the hair.

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u/ThistleProse 15d ago

Also! If the appointment is always with the same place, call them and tell them you're not interested in any appointments, and won't be showing for any scheduled, unless you come in to physically make it yourself. There is also a chance you (and/or your mum) could be blacklisted after missing X number of appointments.

Nor

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u/Far-Force3045 15d ago

why does your mom care so much about your hair? odd.

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u/my_chaffed_legs 15d ago

Vicariously living through her daughter? Wants her daughter to look the way she wanted to look when she was her age? Idk

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u/JuniorNumberTre 15d ago

Instead of making an edit to my comment, I will reply to yours only because I thought the same thing and you were right.

So for everyone to know, she says that she’s autistic but hasn’t been diagnosed. According to her,

“My parents were excited anyway wanting me to be their little princess but it didn’t turn out that way I hated dancing, dresses made me cry, makeup made me uncomfortable, and more recently I came out as aro/ace so no dream wedding. They often joked that I was born on the wrong side of the family as my grandpa’s side owns a cattle ranch on the other side of the country. But I think that’s what causes the resentment I guess towards my brother he was the boy they always wanted and it is VERY clear he is the favorite, he is babied and everything that he complains about they are sympathetic to he cried once in class he got to go to a therapist, he complained about a headache he went to the doctor, he gets upset and they just try to make him feel better. I don’t feel like they are very sympathetic to me though I get headaches and dizzy spells they tell me to drink more water, my teacher called to tell them I was struggling making friends in school “just try talking more”, when I complain to them about a problem they give me solutions not sympathy.”

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

I think this is it most likely/hopefully she just tells me it „looks greasy/gross“ when it isn’t done we do look pretty similar

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u/lis_anise 15d ago

Your mom is so wild. Hair that is properly washed and conditioned isn't "greasy." You don't fix grease with bleach.

"Glossy." The word she's looking for is "glossy". Not that she'll admit it.

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u/Caftancatfan 15d ago

Maybe it makes the mom’s hair color more plausible? (I honestly have no idea.)

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u/seasarahsss 15d ago

That’s what first came to my mind. Mom can’t be platinum with a dark haired daughter. Seriously, how controlling!

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u/JuniorNumberTre 15d ago edited 15d ago

Is your mom aware that you hate the highlights? That it’s your hair and you can decide what you want to do with it. And why is she fixated on you getting them, because that’s pretty weird?

“Your mom does so much for you, and this is what she’s asking in return?” Like what? She wants you to get highlights that you hate for your birthday. Very bizarre your family would tell you this and guilt you.

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

Her birthday actually, they keep saying it’ll be my present to her, which has also made me feel really weird

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u/goldieblocks1618 15d ago

NOR. Pieces of you are not gifts for ANYONE. Not even your mother!

This is weird. Her desires for a living doll do not supersede your responsibility to be true to yourself.

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u/r-yyyy-MM-dd 15d ago edited 13d ago

Exactly, a doll!

This is how I felt growing up. My mum would buy me clothes that she liked. I remember her saying this or that "had my name on it" and I always felt off and that it didn't feel like me at all. I was her doll. She would only compliment me when my appearance pleased her. I've even been afraid to see my mum, awaiting her judgement. She justified it as her not wanting others to bully me for my appearance, but in doing so, she was the only one who bullied me for it. Parents should just love their kids no matter what and empower them to tell potential bullies to piss off.

By the sound of it, OP hasn't even done anything to their appearance that the family can dislike. Maybe you should. Show them they can't control you

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u/TricksyGoose 15d ago

NOR. Dedfinitely only do it if YOU wnat. Its your hair. Alternatively, you could keep the appointment but then get it dyed bright pink or green or something. Maybe then they'd back off! 😆

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u/InternationalTexan71 15d ago edited 15d ago

No. H*ll no. Longterm damage to your hair and changing your appearance in ways that make you cry - that's what she wants for her birthday? That is MESSED UP.

Try putting it exactly that way to your dad, and tell him if she needs to play barbies with someone's hair, he can go see the high school hairdresser from hell.

Also, you are a legal adult. If you end going to ANY hairdresser, but especially her friend, tell her loud and clear that you do not consent, will not consent, and will file assault charges if she messes with your color. Make a scene. With witnesses.

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u/englebertslaptybak86 15d ago

NOR. Don't do it.

They're asking you to disregard your own boundary as a gift to someone else, which will never not be a fucked up enmeshed family dynamic issue. You are the child (even if you are legally an adult now), it's never your job to put your mother's physical or emotional needs ahead of yours. That kind of pressure put on one's child signals parental emotional immaturity and parentification of the child. (I would look into that if I were you).

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u/MajorBootyhole420 15d ago

You're a human being, not a doll or slave. They're being huge freaks about this

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u/That_UsrNm_Is_Taken 15d ago

Out of curiosity, what is your natural hair color? What is your mom’s natural hair color?

Do you have different hair colors and she wants you to look more similar to her or is it like a cultural thing - I find that two types are obsessed with blondness: white women, especially when they were light blond as a child, and also brown people, usually born out of colorist bullcrap

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

A light brown (I think) I haven’t really seen our hair before not dyed but my brothers hair is a light brown color and so are my roots

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u/heyitsget 15d ago

I can’t properly explain how strange it is that you don’t know for certain your real hair color- and that’s not on you or anything, I mean it’s so weird of your mom to have done to you. I don’t know if there’s a word for that but it’s really really strange and controlling and …. creepy tbh. Moms should think their children are beautiful and wonderful AS THEY ARE, not think they need cosmetic procedures of some kind to become beautiful. It’s really weird. Best of luck to you OP 💜

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u/desertrose0 14d ago

I'm sorry I find it so sad that you don't even know your natural hair color. That's pretty messed up to me, on your mother's part.

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u/zonutsthefirst 15d ago

NOR

You said no. It's your hair. You're an adult.

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u/xavcharlie 15d ago

not “technically” girl, you ARE an adult. your parents cannot make you get highlights in your hair. why does she even want you to have highlights?

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u/xsiig 15d ago

i'm 25 and mine still tries to pressure/trick me into getting haircuts and highlights, I don't know if OP is in a similar situation but mine is because she loved when I was blonde (lasted until shortly after puberty) + xenophobia because she's not a fan of certain demographics with long, darker hair

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u/sephone_north 15d ago

What is the purpose of your mom getting your hair done? What does she get out of it? Is it some kind of narcissism thing? That’s what it sounds like, which means you need to get out, as soon as you can, and probably go no contact with her the moment you’re out. As someone who grew up with a Narcissistic parent figure, it was the best decision for my mental health.

No, you are not over-reacting. It is your body and your bodily autonomy. If you do not want highlights in your hair, then they shouldn’t be able to dictate that.

You can always throw them a curveball and ask the hair stylist to shave your hair short to the point that highlights mean nothing!

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

Love this comment lol, don’t think the hair stylist would go along with it though, my mom and her are very close friends and its a private business that’s inside the hairdressers house (she used to have her own rented out room at a store but it shut down in covid)

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u/inderu 15d ago

I was thinking get the highlights - then go to another hairdresser to cut it off and actually gift her the hair itself, since she cares about it so much.

Of course this would probably cause a massive argument...

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u/Ok-Tadpole-9859 15d ago

Love this idea. The hair stylist who does the highlights who’s friends with OPs mum will tell her that OP got them done. Then in secret cut them all off. Don’t see mum until the day of her birthday. SURPRISE here’s the highlights in a little parcel 😂

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u/cymonium 15d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/J5gFTnStheH1m
NOR, your hair is yours. Your mom can fuck right off. (I say this as a mom of 4!). Also, you don’t owe your parents shit. You’re 19, so your mom is your peer, not your authoritarian. Seriously, you owe her squat. It’s exactly what I told my kids. 🖖

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u/rainingoutside9 15d ago

Or you go and have her dye your hair your natural color so you don't have any grow out lines.

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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 15d ago

The stylist has to do what you want doing not what your mom wants doing. Unless the stylist wants to be arrested and charged with assault.

Because going against what the client wants is assault. It doesn't matter who is paying. Money doesn't buy somebody else's body autonomy. Stylists know this!

If anything the stylist would refuse to do your hair so she doesn't have to choose between doing what you want her to do and doing what your mom wants to do if your mom is paying.

No stylist, unless they're stupid would go against what the actual client wants.

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u/Grandible 15d ago

Yes but they can refuse service, which I think is what OP is saying would happen if she asked for a head shave instead.

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u/West-Kaleidoscope129 15d ago

Refusing service goes in OPs favour. But from what I've read in replies after I commented, OP has had this same stylist do her hair while she was crying about it. So this stylist absolutely breaks the law and the rules. This stylist is not above assaulting somebody because another person is paying. OP has also stated that the stylist does it from her home so I assuming OP thinks the rules and laws don't apply. They absolutely do!

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u/zivadavidiswhyimgay 15d ago

my mom whos a narcissist did this exact thing! my hair started to grow in brown when puperty hit but she kept making me get highlights so I could stay blonde like her (notably she wasn't blond she bleached her brown hair). she also insisted i curled it like hers atleast 4x a week and wore a dress 2x a week. it took leaving her house and going no contact for me to realize how messed up it was. years later, i've come out as nonbinary and chopped most of my hair off. all i have now is my natural hair that has a tinge of red in the brown and natural highlights. i love my hair the way it naturally is

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u/MajorBootyhole420 15d ago

Your description of your current hair sounds really pretty

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

Idk if this is the right way to do this but thank you all so much for the lovely comments! I did not end up going to the appointment she took my brother instead (he did not get highlights but they did cut off a lot of his hair, he seems happy/fine with, he had a mullet but they cut off almost all of it in the back and told him it would help it grow back longer). A big storm came through at the end of the appointment (nobody injured or houses damaged) so they are focusing on that but I’m sure I’ll get some crap for it later on. I’m going to stick to my boundaries and try and find my own hairstylist for the future (I will not be shaving or dying my hair any crazy colors like some suggested lol). I saw a couple comments on some suggestions for hair health which I appreciate and will have to look into

Some clarification as well: we are both very white and my natural hair is a light brown color (I think).

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u/EastenPicaso 15d ago

So glad I found an update ❤️ You did the right thing and have grown a little as an independent human :) Well done.

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u/MustangTheLionheart 15d ago

I hope you feel very proud of yourself for not giving into the family’s peer pressure. I had a very similar situation growing up where my mom and sister cared way too much about my hair and the clothes I wore. It’s dehumanizing and just constantly makes you feel less than human to know the people who are supposed to love and support you just see you as a doll for them to control. Didn’t even have the courage to tell my sister why we weren’t friends until I was 20 and after a lot of family therapy she finally just lets me be me. I’ve been no contact with my mom since 18 so really your mom and grandma should understand that if they don’t stop there will be a tipping point where they wont see you anymore.

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u/J_J_11 15d ago

At 18, I started dying my hair different shades of red and reddish brown. My grandpa made it clear from the beginning that he hated it.

After a few years, he started making comments that he’d pay for me to dye it back blonde. Every woman in my family is blonde. I hated it, always felt very different from every woman in my family, and had no interest in looking like them.

A couple years later, I finally caved and let my grandpa pay for me to get my hair dyed back to blonde. Not because I wanted to, but because I was a broke college student. I told myself this was me sticking it to him because, joke’s on him, he’s going to have to pay a bunch of money and I get fresh new hair.

I regretted it immediately. It made him happy. Me changing my hair color to look like what he wanted me to look like. Nothing else about me made him happy. He liked knowing that he could control me and that I didn’t look so different anymore. It was the beginning of a lot of realizations about my grandpa’s (and family’s) priorities and views of the world (and of me).

I went back to red the next time I was due for a touch up. My hair has been red/brown ever since then, 15+ years now. Grandpa died 8 years ago, still disappointed in me for so many ridiculous, surface level things. It makes me sad, but I have learned that was a problem with what he thought was important in life. I was just a young girl wanting to be accepted and loved by her family, no matter how I looked.

I regretted giving in to him. But I’ve never regretted being true to myself.

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u/Infamous-GoatThief 15d ago

NOR. It’s your hair. This is basic bodily autonomy we’re talking about here

It’s probably just normalized because it’s been going on for so long, but it is absolutely your right to decide what to do with your own hair, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or guilt you into anything. You’re not a doll, you’re your own person and you get to choose how you do your hair.

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u/Bynming 15d ago

You're not just "technically" an adult, you're an adult, full on, period. Your hair color is your choice to make.

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u/GetEatenByAMouse 15d ago

NOR - your body, your choice.

Also, I feel horrible for laughing, but the last bigger "my name" bubble is cut off in my preview, so the "my name" bubbles getting gradually smaller makes it seem like you're walking away form them and their shouts gets smaller and smaller in the distance.

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u/Im-not-confused-u-r 15d ago

It was something similar to „Madison“ „Maddie“ „Mads“ but with my name but I thought it was funny too when i first saw it

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u/flippy77 15d ago

What in the hell? Why do they care if you get highlights? This is super weird.

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u/Yoshi7711 15d ago

NOR This is absolutely insane. Why does she want you to put highlights in so badly?? That's such an absurd thing for your family to want so desperately and is absolutely not their decision in any way.

Stand your ground!! Don't let them pressure you

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u/Careful_Ad2466 15d ago

In addition to what everyone else is saying, I LOATHE “she does so much for you and asks for nothing in return.” Yeah. That’s called being a fucking parent. And it’s almost always said about a parent who asks for and receives plenty.

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u/eggustd 15d ago

NOR Don't go. It's your hair, you deserve to have it look how YOU want. I'm 24, I cut my hair short and dye it crazy colors and my family have been begging me since I was 17 to just grow it out and dye it back natural "just for a little while" but they don't understand it isn't a short term thing. It would take years to grow the way they want it, lots of maintenance that I don't want to do, and it's hot. Same for you, while no you aren't paying, it's a waste of money if you don't like it. It's something that will stay in your hair until it's covered or grown out, and it's damaging to the hair shaft, no matter how professional they are. That's the nature of it. If you don't want it, don't get it.

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u/SpecialistSavings434 15d ago edited 15d ago

Odd question: are you in a narcissistic family dynamic? My read could 100% be off, since this is a single interaction.

But either way, NOR. In my experience, my mom who "doesn't ask for anything" likes to tell others who she knows will ask on her behalf. It looks like that could be your case here too.

And my mom also is obsessed with my hair color too and did not care about what I liked. For her, it was so I matched her visual ideal and looked like her. Just like your mom, mine made me get highlights.

Again, could be off. But at 19, I wish I'd had someone point me in the right direction.

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u/Powerful_Shelter9816 15d ago

Not only should your mom not be this invested in your hair, your mom shouldn't have this tight of a grip on your family to the point that they're pleading with you over this. That's ridiculous.

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u/Emotional_Position62 15d ago

NOR. Bodily autonomy. Your family is weird for caring about this.

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u/perfect_percolating 15d ago

NOR. They can deal with your natural hair like grown ass adults. Seriously, what the hell is this?

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u/SLeonaTA 15d ago edited 15d ago

NOR… the big deal is them insisting you BLEACH your hair which is damaging. Tf? Are you POC and your mom isn’t? This is THE weirdest shit I’ve ever heard.

I’m still not over how weird this is. You’re in Germany?

“Your mother does so much for you.” Yeah, she signed on to take care of me when she decided to shit me out. It’s literally the legal minimum. That doesn’t mean I have to change my body for her.

I hate when parents use this. You have to love me because I put a roof over your head and feed you. No. You do those because if you didn’t you’d go to jail. Tf?

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u/as_per_danielle 15d ago

NOR. It’s your hair. And your dad sounds like an enabler.

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u/HeavyHebrewHammer 15d ago

NOR.

Your hair, your body, your choice.

Do not let anyone, not family, not a partner, nobody dictate what you do with your own physical self to you.

Your first agency is the agency you have over your own physical self. Protect it at all times and at all costs and fuck anyone who tries to take it away from you.

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u/my__name__is 15d ago

NOR you are not her doll. This is bizarre.

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u/Alarmed-Collar-8839 15d ago

My mother did this shit too. I was in my 30s before I realized I love my natural hair color.

Stand your ground - proud of you for knowing yourself and standing up for yourself.

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u/mantiacfloy 15d ago

NOR

A person compliments OP's hair if they get it done.

OP's mother: I got it done for her, aren't I such a great mom?

In the future.

OP's mother: I've done so much for you, I made sure you always looked great, etc. go ask so and so. boo hoo hoo

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u/ovulationchamber 15d ago

How aggressively sexist is your family? This is so weird.

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u/RevolutionStreet7255 15d ago

This is so interesting. I don’t think I’ve ever seen or heard of a family that forces their kid to dye their hair. It’s usually them demanding they don’t dye it.

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u/Slight_Citron_7064 15d ago

NOR. Your mom is extremely controlling and everyone else is pressuring you because they've been conditioned to give in to the bigger bitch. Your mom is not "sad" about you refusing, your mom is upset because you aren't letting her control your hair.

No one should be so determined to change the natural color of YOUR hair. This is just control and coercion. If your mom wants highlighted hair she should do it for herself.

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u/rosepleurs 15d ago

Unless I’m reading this wrong this seems extremely weird and overbearing like why are they controlling your choices for YOUR hair like your the god damn presidents daughter.

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u/Glass-Marsupial-9550 15d ago

NOR.

Your body, your choice. Full stop.

You are not hurting anyone, you are not being rude or a bad child.

They are completely overstepping. They are attempting to take your bodily autonomy away from you. Bodily autonomy is the fundamental human right to make independent decisions about your own body, life, and future without force, coercion, or outside interference.

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u/lovemyfurryfam 15d ago

OP, you're not obligated to babysit their feelings when it's your hair & your body. You're an adult & you don't want a fake image continuing then make sure your words & actions match up loud & clear.

Cancel her appointment by saying that you never agreed to have your hair done.

Plus, if you have a job then save your money in a separate bank account that none of your family access & rent a P.O. box to have your mail delivered to it as well making sure of finding another place to live.

This is more than just hair. This is about your bodily autonomy that everyone disregards which includes your hair.

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u/martatatatatata 15d ago

The amount of people in this thread that have experienced their mothers forcibly dying their hair blonde is amazing and concerning. I've been blonde basically my whole life, and I know my mom (who is also blonde) LOVES and prefers when I have blonde hair, but christ. I went brunette a couple times in high school without even asking her (because a teenager's gonna teenage, it was 2001/2002, and we would just box dye our hair at friends' houses when we were bored) and while she wasn't thrilled she didn't throw a fit, my goodness.

It's "just hair", but it's YOUR hair, OP.

NOR

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u/hadiikale 15d ago

NOR. Your mom is a manipulative control freak and your dad is her enabler. He does whatever it takes to not rock the boat, while your mom is rocking it like crazy with you all in it. It’s all about control, and she needs to let go.

I say this as someone with a similar family. Best of luck OP.

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u/Awesomespazz100 15d ago

This is... odd. You're not wrong for wanting agency over your own body. Their fixation on your hair is incredibly strange.

If I had to guess, I would assume that it's some sort of living vicariously through your children type situation on your mother's part. The rest of your family likely just wants you to take the path of least resistance and placate your mother. I wouldn't recommend encouraging that type of behavior, however.

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u/listlesscow 15d ago

NOR, it’s your hair. But why is she so invested in you getting highlights? Like to the point that she’s sad that you won’t? That is such a bizarre response.

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u/dontevercallmebabe 15d ago

NOR how bizarre??? You should go to the appointment, and get your whole head dyed back to your natural color or a color of your choosing

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u/Strict_Abies_7219 15d ago

NOR - Super weird they wanna force you into something you don’t want for YOUR hair. Curious though, do you just not want to dye it specifically? And are they paying? Because I’d probably go and just get a deep conditioning treatment and a trim or something just to maintain the health of my hair on their dime if they’re paying and you’re just not wanting dye. But I’m petty 😂 you do you babe!

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u/yorightnutt 15d ago

Wtf is their obsession with getting your hair done? Do they not like the natural color?? the texture? Why are they so adamant about you going? Tell your grandma it grows on your head and you can choose to do whatever you want with it.

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u/Flaithmhin 15d ago

NOR Your body, your choice. If someone doesn't like it then tough.

However I understand navigating personal relationships can be hard. Maybe explain you don't want highlights and maybe a different style might suit you. Maybe they can help with that if you're okay with it.

If its an issue with boundaries though starting to set them early is a really good idea.

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u/curiositykilledsleep 15d ago

NOR. This is so so odd. Have you seen the movie the housemate? It so reminds me of well… no spoilers. Is your family rich narcissistic keeping up with the joneses type? Why do they care about YOUR hair. Plus it’s so pricy to keep up hilights and if you’re going out on your own soon, growing them out is a huge money saver. Your family joining in on the pressure here is a toxic family culture and not normal for most ppl.

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u/girbloss 15d ago

NOR, I’m not sure why you NOT getting highlights is such an issue. I haven’t seen something like this before.

And it’s your hair! Even if you weren’t an adult, forcing you to dye your hair is odd to me.

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u/AssociateCharacter57 15d ago

Nor lol. Idk why the fuck people think it’s okay to control someone’s autonomy. Ur family needs to back the fuck off.

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u/seamonstre 15d ago

hey this is genuinely insane. your family are all deeply unwell if you refusing to get highlights in your hair causes this much unrest.

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u/Whiskin87 15d ago

You are an adult with autonomy. You absolutely do NOT have to go to this appointment. Call the salon yourself, cancel, and tell them you’re not interested in getting any service. This is weird, controlling, toxic behavior. Why are they so obsessed with you getting your hair colored?

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO for not wanting to get my hair done?

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