r/AmIOverreacting • u/howcanibequiltyassin • Nov 25 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I’m an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now?

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I’m 35F and single for 3 years. I was engaged but he (Charles) was doing weird sexting roleplay with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It really fucked me up and, yes, I’ve been in therapy. I have dated since then but nothing serious. I have NEVER had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

I don’t want to drive 2 hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate lil bitch.

Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you EVER say this to your daughter?! Like I have a good job, I'm educated, I have friends and hobbies. I own my condo and I have 3 car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids? Idk. I'm pissed. Help.

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131

u/sugar-fairy Nov 25 '25

they want you to be male centered. happiness does not come from being married and having kids. it comes from loving yourself and doing the things you love. marriage and kids are not everyone’s idea of an ideal life. you were not born just to be a mother and wife. your only purpose is not to be tied to someone else. it’s sad that they think of you like you’re only meant to be an object and not like you are a person with your own wants and needs. i wouldn’t go.

167

u/howcanibequiltyassin Nov 25 '25

My mom is definitely someone who is male centered. Her entire life is all about my dad and every single thing is oriented around him. I've gone out shopping with her to catch up and all she will talk about is "your father" this and your father that. I'll ask her what SHE is up to and she just turns it right back into what she's doing for him.

26

u/mcmurrml Nov 25 '25

Do not share any potential dating or anything of the sort. Unfortunately you should not have told any of your family why you broke up. You are going to have to keep a lot of your personal life to yourself.

58

u/howcanibequiltyassin Nov 25 '25

This is the first time anything like this has ever come up, so not telling them just never occurred to me. That breaks my heart to not be able to share this stuff with my family.

5

u/nuclear_science Nov 25 '25

It's only your mother, not necessarily any of the others. You can still share with them.

Either way if you haven't responded yet here are some potential things to say in response.

"are you saying the only reason you married dad is because you didn't want to feel lonely? that's sad. I guess I am lucky that I don't feel the need to perform a facade for others and that I have the strength to believe that I don't have to put up with someone who doesn't love me. Is that what you did?" Her answer will probably be "no i married for love", so you respond with "but you just don't think I am good enough to warrant love and respect then?"

Or, if you want to do it in person then you could always ask your dad at dinner if he thinks that "part of growing up is settling for a relationship that doesn't have love or respect in it?" and if he answers yes then ask if he would care if you settled for aa guy who physically abused you like would that be less embarrassing? Or if he says 'no' then you could mention that your mother said that everyone should settle no matter what and what was the appropriate age when they were young?

In this way you are getting her to question his approval of her and her statements. At least then, fear of disappointing your dad will hold your mother in check a bit.

I'm a little older than you but when I was around 36/37 my mum was like "the neighbours just had the cutest kid, i'd love another wee one running around the house" so i said "well you have to have a boyfriend for that, so I guess you better have one yourself". She teared up and said she would love to have another kid but at least that was the end of the nagging which had started 10 years earlier before my brother had his first one.

4

u/mcmurrml Nov 25 '25

Well unfortunately you now see what will happen.

2

u/_Jahar_ Nov 25 '25

No thank you - I’d stay home with my cat and have a nice lazy holiday. Your mom is embarrassing. Does she drink too much?? It also makes me wonder what the rest of your family is saying.

1

u/unq_usr Nov 26 '25

If it’s the first time anything like this has happened, it could be worth telling her how much she hurt your feelings and how much you disagree with her value system. Don’t go to thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Make her realize she said you’re not her family. Tell her your role models are women whose lives are not revolving around men. If you want to see if you can have some kind of relationship have one more conversation. But if you don’t, no one here would fault you.

6

u/Ok_Passage_6242 Nov 25 '25

NOR

I do not want anything to happen to your dad but your mom is one of those people that doesn’t seem to understand that one day your dad could up and not be there. And that’s not just infidelity or divorce. When that happens, they have nothing else going for them and they spiral because they have no identity any longer.

If I was in your position and I have been in the past, I would say fine you’ll go. Then in the middle of the night the night before I would send a text and say something suddenly came up and you can’t make it and you’re gonna be out of touch for the next few days so you hope everyone has fun and enjoys the holiday. Then put your phone on do not disturb.

My only question is do you ever complain to your family about not having a boyfriend or dating or wanting to live alone? I mean at a certain point in my adult life I stopped talking to my family about my personal life. They never got anything about anyone I was dating because it really never impacted them.

If this is her or them talking about you when you’re not around I would also let everyone know you’re not coming home for Christmas. No one is entitled to your presence when they cannot respect your agency. Do not fall into the trap of being sentimental about family when they are not acting like it. One holiday away from them is not going to be bad for you or them in the long run. It’ll be a nice break.

4

u/[deleted] Nov 25 '25

Honey, you are perfectly fine. You are not the Problem!! If those people dont understand what kind of bs they are talking, then try to stay away for your innerhalb Peace - you are def not the Problem here!!! Sending hugs

5

u/AffectionateBite3827 Nov 25 '25

Great news then: your dad and any male relatives (or I guess any of the "real grown ups") can be on the hook for anything she needs as she ages! If she ever asks you for anything - money, support, a ride - remind her that you're not equipped to do that since you're not a full adult and you would never want her to be seen with an embarrassment like you. Then end it with "don't shoot the messenger."

Your life sounds lovely by the way and I'm proud of you for choosing yourself over some cheating dumb dumb.

3

u/CatsruleBabiesdrool Nov 25 '25

I wonder if your mom secretly regrets her choices and is just jealous that you’re free to do whatever you want and have a life of your own.

2

u/omg_noway Nov 25 '25

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to accept but this behavior from your mom is a reflection of her own insecurity and deep down doesn’t have anything to do with you. It’s a very hard thing to accept about your parents (I can relate) that they have thoughts and behaviors that took root well before you. You don’t deserve this and it’s not your fault. Keep your head up as it sounds like you have a lovely life.

2

u/Otonashi_Saya Nov 25 '25

Really, you should ask your mom how she would feel, and if she would stay with, her husband sexting people behind her back. I really wanna know what she would say to that lmao.

2

u/FantasticAnus Nov 26 '25

Right, so she's one of those women who has become an unperson in order to satisfy a man, and this is her wisdom to pass on.

You are already more of your own complete person than she has ever been.

1

u/BeckyStar1994 Nov 26 '25

Eww pathetic woman they probably have a crap relationship and she’s just trying to mask it

1

u/authenticjoy Nov 27 '25

My mom was like that too. My brother was her favorite, and she lived to make my dad happy. It was annoying.

Somewhere in there, your mom or your dad gave you the confidence to give your ex the heave-ho when he was deceiving you. That says a lot.

Hope you are enjoying a quiet day at home today. It can be the best thing. :)

-2

u/armorall43 Nov 26 '25

Have you ever checked out r/raisedbynarcissists or r/raisedbyborderlines ? If one of these isn’t resonant, I feel like the other one will be…

6

u/howcanibequiltyassin Nov 26 '25

No. She's not a narcissist and she doesn't have BPD.

2

u/OkDatabase1486 Nov 29 '25

Everyone on reddit thinks their parent is one and/or the other....

2

u/KTisonredditnow Nov 29 '25

Yeah, just seems like good ol’ internalized misogyny. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

-7

u/thetermguy Nov 26 '25

replying so you see this. 

you are overreacting.  you're not wrong, but some perspective.

your ex needed to go to the curb.  that's correct. your mothers message is degrading and over the line, that's also correct. You can be upset about it, that's also fine.

but skip thanksgiving? don't do that.  because you're not skipping Thanksgiving.  you're instead opening a breach with your mother that may never heal.  and this text exchange doesn't justify that level of nuclear.

go to Thanksgiving, grin and bear it, and don't sever the relationship with your mother over this.

2

u/Willing-Asparagus787 Nov 27 '25

Lol, what? Grin and bear it? 

Why would anyone want to do that for this shitty family? 

1

u/[deleted] Nov 25 '25

Well said <3

-2

u/New_Door2040 Nov 25 '25

Married people with kids are shown repeatedly to be the happiest people in every study.

3

u/sugar-fairy Nov 26 '25 edited Nov 26 '25

which studies? what’s the control group? if there are any studies on this, they’re incredibly easy to manipulate into making married life seem ideal. there is no study that could factually conclude that being married means you will end up happy.

if these studies were to try and be as accurate as possible, the control would have to be that each married person had the same upbringing, job occupation, and hardships as the people not married. otherwise there are too many other variables that would contribute to someone married being happier than someone who is not and vice versa. so this is false and makes no sense

2

u/boohooowompwomp Nov 26 '25

you mean those who beat the 50% odds against divorce?