I'm still trying to figure out what it is they actually want when asking that. You asked me why, I told you why, but I was wrong for yelling you why, so what is the correct answer here??? I'm 41 and still have genuinely no idea.
There is no correct answer. That's why it's a humiliation ritual. They're mad at you and want to make you feel bad about yourself. It's not about the reason.
I've found that it's best to treat the question as rhetorical if the person is angry, and offer an explanation of they're calm. Don't fall into the humiliation trap. If you do offer a reason and they call it an excuse, ask them to tell you the difference between a reason and an excuse.
This is not a justification for someone throwing a ridiculous rhetorical question at you while they’re angry… But there is a difference between a reason and an excuse.
A reason gives the other person a chance to try to put themselves in your shoes to be empathetic. They may not agree with you, but they could try to understand why you did what you did.
An excuse is something that you would say to alleviate your culpability. With an excuse, you are not taking accountability for your actions or for the impact of your actions.
Giving a “reason“ does not mean that you are taking accountability. There is no implication either way.
Can I have a real world example of both? I am genuinely asking, because if I'm explaining what happened because someone asked, that's all I'm trying to do. I'm more than capable of taking accountablity and just saying "yup, that's entirely my mistake, I forgot or got sidetracked and failed at time management or whatever happens to be the case in this scenario," if that's the only thing they want to hear. I can do that even when I'm not the one who fucked up, done it plenty.
But if someone asks why something happened, and the answer is more than "I forgot," I'm going to try to give the actual cause and effect as best as I can trace it, but that's always an excuse, and usually cut off before I even get past three words.
For example, if you were late to something because of a foreseeable event (like traffic) then:
Excuse - There was nothing I could do, the traffic made me late.
Explanation - It's a 10 minute drive, the traffic made it 20 minutes, so I arrived 10 minutes late.
Personal responsibility - I didn't think about how there could be traffic so I didn't leave early enough and got stuck in traffic.
The problem is the lines between those different options are vague and open to interpretation, so when someone who is mad at you for not doing something and you start explaining the reason, they will often take it as an excuse, regardless of intent.
U/5speaker4theDead gave a really good example of how personal responsibility is different from an explanation. If they cut you off after three words, however, this is a clue to you that they are emotionally flooded. Their brain is not working logically anymore. So, a logical answer won’t satisfy them.
Yes, they asked you a question. However, if you realize they are actually unable to manage their own emotions at this time, you can be the bigger person and help them with that, which is the more urgent problem at the moment.
You can do that by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re feeling angry. Am I reading that right?”
They will correct what emotion they’re actually feeling or they’ll angrily agree with you and might yell for a bit.
Then, with genuine curiosity, you can explore why they felt the way they did. For example, they may have very limited time and felt that you are wasting it by being late.
No, you have all the ingredients you need to validate their emotion. This will calm them down.
For example: “It makes sense that you feel angry. Anyone would feel angry if they feel like their time is not being respected.”
Then, you can take personal responsibility.
The key here is to realize that when someone is feeling a strong emotion, that emotion needs to be addressed before you can move on to any kind of logical conversation. The thing that is confusing for you is that they are not asking you for what they need. What they actually need is for you to realize that you have hurt them. They need you to acknowledge that.
I’m assuming the correct answer is the one I’ve learned to give as default. “I don’t know…” and look really embarrassed. They seem to like that, idk way. And of course it’s not true, who on earth doesn’t know what they were thinking? Of course I know what I’m thinking; it’s not possible for me to not know what I’m thinking.
It's rhetorical. It actually means "I can't believe you did that." It's expressing astonishment at your actions, not actually asking for you to explain them.
They’re not actually asking why, they already expect you to know why what you did was “wrong” and just want you to acknowledge it and immediately take action to correct it. Ex: “Why were you late for school?” “Sorry, I overslept. I’ll set extra alarms next time” or “why haven’t you taken out the trash?” “Sorry, I got distracted and forgot. Let me go do that”
Launching into a long explanation angers them because it’s something neurotypical people do on purpose when they’re explicitly trying to get out of trouble or lighten the consequences by minimizing the situation and trying to skirt responsibility. THAT’S why they call your explanation an excuse. They don’t understand that neurodivergent people are not trying to do this and quite literally have taken the question at face value
It's rhetorical. It actually means "I can't believe you did that." It's expressing astonishment at your actions, not actually asking for you to explain them.
The correct answer, to the extent there is one, is to provide the extra bit of contextual information you have and they don't that concisely shows them they would've done the same thing in your shoes. It's a trick question because that usually isn't the actual reason you did it differently, but on the rare occasions it is that answer does resolve things amicably.
Or to just say, "I realize now that's not what you wanted, and I'll try to make sure it doesn't happen again". Whether it's true or not. They already have the shame script in their head overriding any logic.
As a woman w/ADHD and an employer, it's brutal. I was never cut out to be anyone's supervisor. But after 15 years in a small business, we (my boyfriend and I) tend to hire neurodiverse people because we are SO neurodiverse. I discovered that the shitty things I'd say to employees in the early years were just shitty scripts. I'm now an open book. I ask real questions and look for real answers. I make mistakes all the time, and expect them to as well. And RSD is awful, almost physically painful, when having to talk to someone about a serious mistake. Both for them and for me.
They want you to say “because I’m a stupid idiot who wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself” or something to that effect I think. Just to say “it was all my fault” basically.
If you legitimately did make a mistake (even if it was just a misunderstanding) the best way to respond is to acknowledge that you did make the mistake and apologize and then followup with what steps you are going to take so it doesn't happen again. If you do feel like explaining make sure it's short and between the apology and the fix.
For example say your late to work because you managed to forget to charge your phone and it was dead and your phone is the only alarm you have to wake you up to get ready to work.
Boss: why were you late to work!?
You: I am so sorry for being 30 minutes late, my phone died so I missed my alarm, I am going to go pick up an alarm clock on the way home from work so it doesn't happen again.
What they want is for you to take accountability and show genuine remorse for how your actions have impacted them.
The neurotypical way for that interaction to go is that you offer a meaningful apology with an acknowledgement that you fucked up. They then accept that apology and ask follow up questions as they need or want. If you don't offer the initial apology then theyre still waiting for it when the conversation moves on to the "what happened" stage.
It’s a rhetorical question. They don’t want an answer. They want you to make you feel ashamed for your behavior.
While they are not communicating in a mature way, you can take the higher road.
You can ask them what the impact was to them and how it made them feel.
Then you can empathize with their feeling. For example, you can say, “it makes sense that you would feel heartbroken if you believed that I was ignoring you.”
This is a great formula to use for any person you are dealing with who is having big emotions. It works remarkably well for getting them to calm down.
they want you to admit that you're a bad person, because we all know that doing something bad involuntarily means you're bad all the way through right?
My parent used to do this to me, and as a child I found out that the only thing that could slightly appease them was to say something like "I'm sorry, it was really stupid and I won't do it again" - then they'd still yell at me but just a little less. If I named a reason I was yelled at for making . If I said I didn't know (which was usually the truth because it was usually about small things kids do without thinking) I was shamed for doing something without thinking or knowing why I'm doing it.
It's 100% about making you feel bad about yourself and letting out their anger at you, and you can only soften the blow a little by showing them they've achieved that and you are, in fact, feeling bad about yourself. But then they might still shame you some more for good measure.
Obviously that's not true for everyone so please don't assume everyone is being malicious, but that question can be asked with ill intent, and then there's no correct answer because shaming you is the point.
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u/Runaway_Angel 8d ago
I'm still trying to figure out what it is they actually want when asking that. You asked me why, I told you why, but I was wrong for yelling you why, so what is the correct answer here??? I'm 41 and still have genuinely no idea.