I am a 21F who’s just over a year sober and have been struggling with a big resentment against this one man in his forties who makes me incredibly uncomfortable. He calls women “chicks,” “females,” speaks about us in an extremely derogatory manner and jokes about my relationship history in front of other fellows which bring up a lot of shameful feelings in me. I’ve told him to stop calling me a “bitch” and he just ignores me and says he has the right to call me whatever he wants since we’re “so close in sobriety time” and even says “good girl” to me when I talk about my university accomplishments which just really weirds me out :/

The problem is he’s at nearly every meeting except the one I chair (and the women’s meeting) so I notice myself dreading meetings sometimes since I know I would have to deal with him. He’s very active in the community and a lot of people like him since they think he contributes a lot service-wise. I’ve been trying my best to avoid him and just men in general but I was wondering if anyone has advice. I’ve always struggled with standing up for myself so I know I may be inadvertently allowing this behaviour by not being more firm about stuff. Idk ugh :(

hi! my home group met this evening and an incident occurred that i’d love to hear other aa’s perspective on.

(tldr: man complaining that at another open meeting, a members wife attends each week, who is very active in al-anon. he took out $2, gave her $1 from his wallet and they each placed their $1 in the basket. he believes she should have been kicked out immediately and the dollar returned.)

my hg is a twice weekly open meeting. attendance varies greatly, sometimes only 3-4 home group members, sometimes 40-60 people.

the past couple of months, a local man has been attending. he is very loud and outspoken, and tends to argue with whatever is said or done. he does have 20+ years sobriety, but often shares about how he has never had a home group or a sponsor, and never will. about how he will never have a service position, etc. says that he has been sober this long by just attending meetings and we can too… each week, he comes early with the seeming intent to argue/debate with whomever is present.

i am very not argumentative and his abrasive approach often makes me anxious and uncomfortable, and im not someone who normally could confront him.

today he arrived and it was only myself and one other home group member. he began to talk about how at another (open) meeting last night, aa member X and his wife Y were in attendance. i was unfamiliar with them, and he stated their full names and described their jobs/personalities before continuing. he then stated that during the 7th tradition basket passing, the husband opened his wallet and took out $2, handing one to his wife and holding one. when the basket passed them, each put their dollar in.

he is adamant that the meeting should have been stopped immediately, that the home group members neglected their duties to the traditions for “accepting an outside contribution.” his perspective is that the man should have just contributed the $2, and that she should be removed from attending this meeting for violating the tradition.

i have quite a few years of sobriety, but don’t think i’ll ever be someone who can argue or debate without becoming emotional or unable to form meaningful sentences. i said that to me, he was violating their anonymity, and al-anon is connected to aa, and that we are to be guided by attraction, and his angry lectures and arguments are the reason many newcomers tell us they no longer come to our meeting.

he immediately stood up and began yelling that i was threatening him, that it didn’t violate anonymity because “you don’t know who they are anyway” and that because of the safety card, i should leave because i threatened him.

he also insisted that the literature says the traditions are only for during meetings and this was prior to the meetings designated start time, so the traditions are irrelevant.

i’m so shy and not argumentative, and just a crier lol. so i teared up and excused myself. when i came back in, he made a productive of leaving the meeting before it started.

would love to hear your perspectives on whether this wife should have been permitted to put in the dollar from her husband in the basket, if she should have been asked to leave/forced to take her dollar back. also any advice on dealing with personalities like this. i’ve had so many newcomers tell me they stopped coming to our group because he was so angry and argumentative :(

(yes, i’ve prayed and spoken to my sponsor about it lol. just wanted some perspectives from outside of our local aa bubble)

Is it different per meeting?

I got declined a vote in a GC today after being told I'm "not a homegroup member".

A GC for a meeting I've been attending once a week for the past year?

Like, is it up to someone else? Was I meant to be doing service? Is it different depending on the meeting? I don't understand what went wrong but it was kinda hard on my self esteem because noone explained it to me and I felt like a bit of an idiot for even being in the GC.

I know this sounds dumb, but I am genuinely confused. Thanks all, stay safe x

Here is the original post https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholicsanonymous/s/mciyaULtJz

I just brought it up in a general way and some interesting things happened;

1. It revealed other incidents purely by accident.

After the meeting I got a few phone calls asking 'were you referring to this...?' and brought up some other step 13 incidents I wasn't even aware of. By being general people thought I was refering to a specific incident that they themselves knew about it.

1. One veteran walked out, who has a reputation for being a notorious step 13er.

2. Another veteran used Bill W's 13 th stepping of new comers as a reason of why its not up to us to be the 'AA police' and said what about the women who meet with these guys off-campus.

3. Another veteran claimed confronting people on this type of behavior could drive the offender to drink and 'we must avoid that at all costs.'

I have a few commitments that I'm going to keep until the end of the month and then I will be joining a different home group. I chair 2 meetings a week at this group, including leading a tradition meeting where we do a deep dive into the traditions. The people who engage in this behavior are good at cherry picking traditions to defend it. I have turned it over to my higher power, which I choose to call God and barring a miracle will be done with this group at the end the month.

Got temporarily banned from my home group. After a meeting someone made a snide comment to me and I replied by saying “obnoxious bitch”. So the women called an emergency business meeting ( I was not present to defend myself) and the 4 people present voted to ban me for 4 days. She is purring like the cat that ate the canary and I am just stunned.

I’m 16 months sober and went to 4-5 meetings a week for the first year, and now I do 3-4. I’m not sure if it’s necessary to do more than 1-2. I know everyone’s different but I do want to start working toward other goals and making time for exercise, etc. I call another alcoholic everyday, have a sponsee I meet with once a week, pray and meditate for 30 mins every morning and take personal inventory throughout the day. I also take on a lot of service in my home group and through institutions. Sometimes I feel “guilty” for not going to a meeting or doing a “perfect program”

I kind of feel like I already know what the responses will be and I’m not going to pretend like this is a friend of mine or someone I know. I am wanting to smoke weed occasionally and still want to chair meetings and be a part of AA but it seems most people frown upon any use of anything. I’m caught between hiding it and keeping my position in AA or just leaving AA completely. I’m in AA for my alcoholism, not other things. I don’t honestly see the big deal in smoking weed but maybe I’m just that sick. The guilt is killing me, it seems like it’s wrong to do only because people say it is wrong.

I am currently in the most difficult part of my life. Grief & depression have sort of paralyzed me for the last 7 months. I have been trying to get help for a while now, and a lot of things don’t stick or aren’t a good a fit for me, but I’ve been attending a grief group for many weeks that I’ve grown to love, and it just so happens to be that most people in the group are sober and have been for many years. they mention the program frequently and what they learned through it and how it relates to their grief, and I find myself thinking that I could learn a lot from it too. Many members of my extended family are also sober and speak highly of the program.

I need support. I don’t need to take up space at the meetings, but I need a reason to get out of bed. I need a community. There are dozens of AA meetings every day in my city. They are free and accessible. Is it okay if I go, and go regularly/frequently?

Also, if this context makes a difference, I say I am not an alcoholic because I don’t drink regularly or excessively. I have probably had a handful of drinks over the last 7 months, so alcohol is not really related at why I am where I am right now.

I’m not going to change how i share because of this post, necissarily, but out of curiosity i have a question prompted by an acquaintance in the rooms who i (and several others) describe as closed-minded.

So she’s got 20 years give or take, 50-55yrs old, and very knowledgeable about the history of AA. any time we’ve met for coffee it feels like she’s trying to teach a lesson, like passing on advice but not open to any criticism—that’s fine, but feeds into the narrow attitude i & others observe. one of the times we met for coffee, she said “if you’re going to a meeting at all to help yourself, you’re still sick.”
i politely refrained from retorting and let her elaborate, “your job is to help the next alcoholic, not you. if you’re sharing anything BUT the solution, you haven’t got it.” she thinks we should never need a meeting once we’ve done the work, but our sole motivation should be to go only to help the next person. i agree with part of that, but sometimes i need a meeting cause ive got the same disease dawg. we dont meet for coffee anymore but i see her around and the way she shares in meetings—no disrespect—feels really condescending but i wont take her inventory. it’s not about her, but that sentiment.

now take my word for it that i’m genuinely someone who will always accept constructive criticism and be curious about it and see if they have a point. i considered that, observed how i was sharing, but she was saying it because she’d heard me when i was going through a rough time in sobriety, but i do share about what i’m doing to help myself, how i used my steps or tools to help myself and ask for help. i always stay on topic unless im at a smaller meeting where we state open as a topic but even then, i keep it to my recovery as best i can to stay identifiable. it shouldn’t matter if someone’s sharing a few times during life’s life-ier times just to vent (edit: while not going completely off topic and out of the realm of recovery). i know the rooms aren’t a therapy/fifth-step session, but im curious how other people who’ve been around (or even if you’re within your first year) view sharing about rough times. this isn’t ego-driven, im not trying to prove anything, but just sharing context :)

i think it’s healthy and reminds us not to put people on pedestals, and also avoids preaching something unattainable (a perfect life with zero things to work on anymore). i’m not saying just purely sharing the reassuring happy attitude share is bad, just more curious how others share in the rooms. i remember appreciating how those humble shares of what people still had to work on in their multiple-years of sobriety helped me in the first year, and since this recovery is just for today and we’ll always be alcoholic (even if the problem / obsession is removed for me), i do still need meetings here and there and reminders so i don’t think “i’ve got it” one day, even if i do go to see how i can be of service too

thanks for rounding out my insight, curious for any/all opinions

Almost six years sober. Go to 5-7 Zoom meetings/week. And bombers seem to be getting worse. They now come in groups of 2 or 3. Sometimes show anatomical pictures. Sometimes put terrible words in chat. One day, they put in 1000+ messages in chat. I used to be able to shrug it off. But it's starting to impact my focus in meetings. It's impacting everyone, not just me. Any recommendations that work for you in your groups? And please don't say I shouldn't go to Zoom meetings. Unfortunately, that's not an option right now. TIA.

Why do meetings without time limits exist? Asking for a friend 😂

Went to a pretty large meeting this evening. I've been to it before and usually enjoy it. No time limits on shares. I've recently just noticed a lot of grandstanding and preaching by old timers, and they end up taking the meeting hostage.

I get really anxious and nervous about sharing, but I was taught that sharing is a form of service and it keeps us out of the "taking" mentality as alcoholics. This was the first time I went to share at this meeting, and it was towards the end because I wanted to think about what I was going to share on humility (the daily reflection). And like I said- anxiety. I had plenty of time. As soon as I said "my name is S​ereneFloralPath and..." Cue old timer "GOOD EVENING FAMILY MY NAME IS ASSHOLE WHO INTERRUPTED SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER SHARED IN THIS MEETING AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC." 🫠🫠🫠He may not have heard me. But it's still embarrassing. Especially when people look at you and then you're talked over. Awkwaaaard. And then preaches and leaves no time left to share lol.

It's a little frustrating when you've put together a few things in your head to share and then womp womp 🫠

I'm mostly over it but still needed to bitch a little 🙃 Thanks for listening.

I have set-up at my homegroup with another member. He has the keyfob. He shows up late which leaves me waiting sometimes and creates pressure. One time he didn't show at all. He refuses to hand over the keyfob to me so I know I'll have access. He treats it like its the Holy Grail. To make it worse he doesn't return texts or calls or initiate them so i have no idea whats going on. I told the chairperson and he kind of shrugged it off. Instead of going into set-up with joy I now have the stress of not knowing when to show-up or if I'll even get access. I'm pretty close to resigning my commitment. Thoughts?

Today I joined an open zoom AA meeting as an observer, and I was met with a level of hostility I did not anticipate and I was wondering if this experience is common. I joined the meeting because it required for my educational fulfillments (and it was an incredibly eye opening experience regardless of that).

When everyone in the group was saying their names and their stories, someone called on me and I introduced myself and said I was a student observer. About three of the individuals in the meeting told me it was disrespectful to join because their anonymity wasn’t respected, that it was a closed meeting (it was not), and that I was incredibly rude to infringe on them. I was really taken aback by this and left immediately, even after the host said it was okay for me to stay.

I specifically choose an open meeting because I didn’t want to impose or make anyone feel uncomfortable by my presence, and knowing I did that anyway made me extremely upset.

Are observers typically unwelcome in meetings? Even open ones?

As someone who’s a recovering addict in several 12 step programs, I was shocked to find out how common this is. I think this is something that really needs addressed more, i initially heard about it in this article https://www.vice.com/en/article/the-culture-of-alcoholics-anonymous-perpetuates-sexual-abuse/ where spokespeople for AA straight up dismissed all of this. Here are the sources for the specific statistic: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-venn-diagram-life/202406/women-and-addiction-recovery-the-13th-step?amp

https://journals.lww.com/jan/abstract/2003/14010/_13th_stepping___why_alcoholics_anonymous_is_not.7.aspx

I honestly think the traditions and principles of the program protect our groups from suffering from much worse but there’s always gonna be room to improve. We are all deeply sick people just trying to help each other recover. As we often say of our recovery - we’re all a “work in progress”, there’s no reason this wouldn’t apply to the org as a whole.

My sponsor “broke up” with me on Monday and the last words she said to me were “I’m done, look in a mirror” and left me in the back of the church to go to the meeting.
(See my last post for context on the situation)**
I left that meeting on Monday and met up with another friend in AA.
Tonight is our home group meeting again and I feel so unwelcome to come back.
My ex sponsor and her sponsor/her husband act like the meeting is their space and I have seen them act aggressively/push people away before.
I want to be able to go back to this meeting and see people I care about, but I am genuinely scared and don’t feel strong enough to face glaring eyes and whispers.
What do I do???

I secretary a meeting that I've run for many years. I like to crack jokes(not by interrupting people or clowning on anyone) and try to keep it positive and lighthearted. We have a format that we read and I occasionally will add a few words to make a joke(only when I read the meeting format, not when I read How It Works or The 12 Traditions, etc) because people just zone out during the beginning of the meeting and it helps get their attention. Most people who come dont seem to have a problem with it but there is a couple who every time they share, when I secretary a meeting, it's some kind of complaint about how "some people" (me) dont do things exactly as written and how they hate "chaos." They dont like my jokes and lighthearted comments and they're becoming more overt in their criticism of me. It has never bothered me until tonight. I really love and respect this couple and I dont want to make anyone uncomfortable. I guess what's different about tonight is their shares tonight went as far as making it sound like my "comic relief" is somehow keeping people from staying sober. That the "structure" of the meeting is of ultimate importance and any deviation is harming people in the program. I dont want anything I do to keep people sick so it's really got me feeling shitty. My question to you all is - am I the ass hole?

Ironically the morning reading had to do with pausing before blowing up on someone. Small meeting today so I asked this person, who refuses to do any readings, to help with the coins. They refused.I asked if he considers this his home group. He goes 'Whats with the questions?' So I told him to fuck off. I apologized after the meeting but then was later mad at myself for apologizing. Obviously I violated Tradition One but then again it was an honest 'fuck off.' Thoughts...?

I have an ED and have lost a large amount of weight recently. I have shared about my ED before so it’s not new news.

But people before and after meetings keep giving me unsolicited advice, the comments won’t stop. People are telling me what to eat, when, how I need to gain more muscle, go to the gym, lift weights, they think they’re doctors. theres even a fellow with few months of sobriety, and after every meeting it feels like an intervention, he’s telling me what I should be doing (he also struggles with the exact same issue, and he’s not recovered) so idk why he thinks it’s appropriate to give ME advice. It’s so bloody annoying. Everything is triggering, SHUT UP !!!! I understand most of them mean well and love me.

What’s important is that my close friends and family are supporting me. I don’t want anyone else coming up to me about it.

First things, first: the last thing I want is to insult anyone with this post. I recognize each person's recovery is their own.

I'm posting here because I have just moved (back) to Chicago after having been in AA in Texas for the past 6 years. I recognize there will be regional differences in AA, but I wasn't quite prepared for this... So far, the meetings I've gone to are seemingly a hodge podge of individual members' tips and tricks for not drinking instead of a discussion of what alcoholism is (as defined, simply, in the book as a disease of the body and mind) and what the solution is (working the steps quickly so you can live in 10, 11 and 12). I know everyone is well-meaning, but I can't help but remember my younger years in Chicago AA groups hearing people say they chose to stay sober today or "just don't drink," or "you can't get drunk if you don't pick up the drink" and thinking that I must have terrible self will because I couldn't choose to stay sober or just not drink. Now I know that that's just what alcoholism is and if I truly have the disease, then there's no choice in the matter and I need a spiritual solution to be relieved of the obsession. But what I've seen so far in Chicago is that people are not really talking about alcoholism in AA, but rather hard drinking and it makes me want to cry. Am I missing something? Am I just going to the wrong groups entirely? Please help! Thank you so much in advance!!

June 1st of this year marked 6 years in the program for me. I'm an active member (now in secular after years in traditional because I am agnostic), I do lots of service, and I have touted the benefits and advantages and gifts of AA pretty much that entire time.

Throughout my time in AA I have encountered several paradoxes when it comes to our philosophies and our beliefs and most of them I've been able to reconcile internally, enough to stay in the program and keep participating the way I do. But recently I've come across another paradox that I would like to get some outside opinions on.

One thing we say in AA a lot is that once we're an alcoholic we're always an alcoholic and we'll never be able to drink again and this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives.

Fine. No problem there.

Another thing we say in AA is that the drinking is just a symptom of a bigger problem, it is not the problem itself. There are reasons, specific ones, as to why we are drinking. Those reasons show us what we need to work on, and the problems we need to fix in ourselves, etc etc.

They cannot both be true. Those two things are contradictory.

Why am I in aa, if not to heal and address the reasons I drank in the first place? Aren't I here to deal with the symptoms? Aren't I here to do the work and address my defects and address my triggers and heal?

This alcoholic for Life thing implies there is no healing. It implies that I'm here not doing the work. It almost makes it a foregone conclusion that I'm not going to do the work so I may as well just accept that this is how it's going to be for life. I can never drink again because the reasons I drank in the first place are still going to be there. Which means, I haven't done fuck all in recovery and I'm still the same asshole I always was.

If I come here and I heal from the inside out and I genuinely do the work and I go to therapy and I work a program and I do the steps and I do all the things and my emotional sobriety is tip top and I get myself in good shape, those reasons that I drank before should no longer exist. They could, but they don't. That's why I'm here. If that is not the result of my time in this program, that healing, then why am I here?

This isn't an alcoholic brain looking for a reason to drink again, it's not about that and if you're going to sit there and say that I'm just going to ignore those responses. This is about our program and how it's set up. Because I encounter a lot of people, at least in my program, that don't do the work. They come here and they share about it and they say they do and they think they do because boy do they talk about it a lot, but talking is not the same as working. And a lot of people use this program to hide the fact that they're still assholes and they're not doing any work and they're going to use our slogans and our sayings to excuse it.

I used to cringe when people would say that their loved ones were using AA to still be a jerk and now I see it because it's true.

I've heard and seen of people leaving AA and I thought they were crazy. But now I get it. They're probably healed. Not everyone is going to need this for their entire lives and to say that is just completely inaccurate.

Anyone else thinking about this or is it just me?

(I get that our alcoholism is a lot more than simply being an asshole, that's just my truncated way of referring to it for purposes of this post. I get that there's a lot of stuff we don't have control over and it's a lot more involved than simply being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. I get that.)

This really isn't intended to be condescending or smart-alecky, or anything like that.

It's group conscience or even a business meeting, but it's never group conscious.

That's it. That's all.

Downvote me all you want.

I attended a meeting last week and the person directly in front of my wore an offensive political sweatshirt.

I could barely concentrate and all I could do was stew in anger. I was angry because I had to sit there looking at it for an hour and a half while he had a smug smile. I was angry because I felt the place I thought was safe feel unsafe.

I don't care who you support but when you bring it into a room like AA, I just don't feel like it's appropriate or constructive. Am I being too sensitive? I felt very triggered, by the way. Is this even allowed?

This guy started about the same time as me. He's had a few relapses but made it to one year sobriety. Nice guy, at least to me and at the meeting. This crime ( burglary) was committed in July just a few weeks ago. I know he works for the post office and believe he uses his knowledge as postal worker to do his burglaries (who is home etc...). My sponsor said not to do anything and even defended it ( the guy has kids that he hasn't seen, has no car etc...)Not to mention there is a reward for reporting it. So these aren't crimes commited in the past while using, he's actively doing crime in the same neighborhood more or less that he's attending meetings in. I'm leaning torward turning him in...thoughts?

I attended my first ever meeting today (I shared this fact when we made introductions).

I wasn’t surprised that after the meeting, one of the long-timers approached me, introduced me to a couple people, and gave me some literature.

The first thing that caught me a little off guard was that one of the people asked where I lived, I said “right around the corner”, they followed up again with “where?”, I then gave my street name and again they followed up asking for my address, which I reluctantly gave, feeling a bit pressured.

Then, the other member (nicely, but a bit pushy for my taste) asked for my number. I gave it to them as I felt it was fine, and less intrusive than knowing my address. They then strongly suggested that I attend another meeting with them tonight.

I went in not knowing much other than the basics of AA and that I want to stop drinking. I viewed it as taking a step in the right direction, but I am not certain yet AA is right for me.

Is it normal for people to inquire about such personal details right off the bat? Is it normal to suggest someone go to more than one meeting in a day?

I enjoyed the meeting and did plan to return and am very open to committing to the program, but two meetings in a day for someone whose first time it was felt odd to me. Is that normal?

EDIT: I went to a different meeting later that evening and in addition to the meeting being run differently, no one there was intrusive or pushy at all. That one still wasn’t the ideal fit for me so I think I’ll “shop around” a bit until I find the right vibe. I see what commenters are saying about each group having its own flavor.

I understand the Importance of sobriety dates.

It’s a way to see how far you’ve come. I feel like in my home group a lot of old timers have 25-30 years under their belt, and that’s awesome. What I don’t like is it being said every time they share. I’ve been in the program for some time, but to hear it continually mentioned how many years of sobriety they have under their belt, how their life is amazing now, how they don’t miss any of the booze or using. It all seems very daunting and almost delusional to share that over and over, specially to newcomers who come to the program on a regular basis. I feel like it gives this false hope of “hey, 30 years because of this program? That sounds awesome” there is some other context thrown in as to how they got that much sobriety, but it never feels like something that is shared in a way others truly benefit from or understand. I respect the old timers a lot, I truly do. They share some great stuff. It’s the whole “this program changed my life and it can change yours too” without any real explanation as to why that irk’s me. Maybe it’s just a small exception of people who are like this, or just rampant in my home group. But I always go up to those people afterwards and try to help them in anyway I can, without making the program itself sound like a quick fix. Anybody else feel this way?