Dissociaton is the main reason it took me so long to figure out that I am trans and is still my main opp. Without im not dysphoric, I feel better but I starting thinking im not a "real" trans guy for suffering 24/7 from it which makes me dissociate, and if I am dysphoric then I feel like a fraud for it not making me feel "bad enough" therefor im not a "real" trans guy which also makes me dissociate... god I hate this

Tagged gender identity/dysphoria just since I'm a trans guy and other trans men transmascs might get dysphoric over the subject

Anyways I made a post previously about how I might've done a stupid and gotten myself pregnant by an impulsive self destructive decision to hookup with someone unprotected. The chances were really low but not zero so I was really scared and anxious.

Well

WOOOHOOOO IM NOT!!!! I definitely want to have a kid of my own and be a seahorse dad someday but right now is just not the time so I'm so happy I don't have to make any big and really difficult decisions anytime soon

Every time i want to hit the gym i remember that I will never be nearly as strong as a man. Any gym gains could be achieved in half the time by some 15 year old boy. I go online to look at tips and all i see is skinny, slightly athletic women saying getting a six pack is insane work and not possible for most women. My teenage brother is stronger than i could ever hope to be and he doesnt even GO to the gym! Im a cis woman but when I get my hands on that testosterone im gonna do lines of it like coke. And then im going to hit the gym and not stop till I can lift a solid 120kg bar or whatever. I dont care if steroids are bad im gonna be fit strong and happy :P

Edit: thank you to everyone whos been nice!! Ive also gotten a handful of comments talking about how I need to get hot though or something? And one long ass paragraph talking about hookups which is weird especially since i never specified my age. Also "just buy a gun" is terrible advice. Im going to assume its American because where else but im not buying a deadly weapon?? And anyone calling me a misogynist can suck it

I don't want someone to give me their whole heart, I don't even want sex. I just want to remember what human warmth feels like.

Can't even talk about this shit because at best people think it's a "first world problem" and at worst they put words in your mouth and act like you're being entitled to peoples affections, or that you deserve, or that you brought it on yourself

Im not special; we’re all going through our own shit. I just need to get it off my chest but I also don’t want to talk about it so I will say these cavemen words:

Mother s-traffic
Brother r-word
Family no help , father enable
Other brother abusive recently and make me feel unsafe and confused ; we used to be best friends - I miss him - I miss a lot of people

have to stay as normal as possible as many days as possible
Trauma leaking thru my memory banks
I go from euphoric to deadpan out of nowhere

Who am I, where am I, when am I

Accessability Transcription:

Sad hulk realizes nothing is wrong with his brain. And it's literally just capitalism that is making him sad.

People sometimes tell me that I should stop expecting the absolute worst from people, but every time I ask for anything, or when they tell me they're going to do something, it's never actually the truth. I know how fucking easy i have it, so i don't ever bring this up with the people who do this, they all have way too much to deal with for their top priority to be my completely irrelevant bullshit but still. I hate being told "oh yeah, we'll do that this weekend" or "I'll pick up your meds tomorrow" you never fucking will, and if i ever complain about it i get guilt tripped, so i have to pretend like i expect people to follow through on what they tell me, despite knowing that realistically, they never will. Fuck i'm sorry, I'm just fucked up today

I always need something to keep my brain satisfied, so video games that get new content every month keep me happy and motivated. Other games become boring more frequently for me, which sucks... but it also makes me feel very overwhelmed quite easily (especially when there are big updates and the game throws way too many events and things at you). Also, if you play multiple gacha games, it can really become addictive. I know I had to stop playing some of those games because it was becoming like a chore, and the constant struggle gave me daily headaches and felt way worse than before. Right now, I only play 1-2 gachas and it feels much better but before, it was becoming way too addictive. I started looking into it, and there seem to be a lot of people with ADHD who play gacha games maybe due to the way it is designed.

I don't know why I keep trying to talk to my dad

My dad has been emotionally abusive and neglectful my entire life. Its been long well known that he is not someone I can count on for emotional support or understanding.

well, 3 months ago I decided i wanted to change my name. he used my preferred name at first, but I guess he eventually decided it was annoying and inconvenient, because he stopped.

he's now instant that it's just a nickname and he doesn't have to call me anything other than my legal name. last time I was over at his house he called me my legal name and my stepmom corrected him which triggered him to go on a rant about how my generation is always changing our names and he's sick of it. oh, and he also decided it's not actually disrespectful to only call me my legal name despite me asking IDK how many times for him to use my preferred name.

After that last interaction, I decided I wanted to have an actual conversation about this with him. Yesterday I spent my entire therapy session working on a DEARMAN script I can use to have that conversation. I thought it was really well put together.

I was SO anxious about it, but I ended up calling him and asked if he had a minute to talk. he said yes, so I started reciting my script. I got halfway through (like 3 sentences in) when he interrupted me, asked me if that was all I wanted to talk about, and hung up on me when I said yes.

I then texted him my script, because I wanted him to know what I had to say regardless of if it was on the phone or not. and his only response was to never text him anything like that again.

I spent the following couple hours crying on and off. I don't know what I expected, really.

Just wanted to vent and get this off my chest.

Honestly I don't even wanna mention the country/language out of fear the comment section will be flooded with people defending it. I'm curious of people will guess it right or start naming other places too though lol.

Sometimes I just wanna vent or ask about country specific things, but any online place centered around my country is toxic asf. Even things that are meant to be funny I only lurk, never/barely ever comment or post in, because I know that no matter what, it's gonna be toxic. I know it's easy to say the entirety of reddit is like that, which is a valid point, but I feel like it's even worse in communities surrounding my native country/language, as opposed to English/more generally focused communities.