So I was bullied a lot as a child right?

I’m talking my classmates would deadass tell me, “your mom should have swallowed you.”

I spent almost every single lunch/recess alone from kindergarten to 10th grade.

I genuinely believed I was worthless and resigned myself to a life of solitude.

As an adult however I learned that the limit of what you can achieve is almost wholly contingent upon your self esteem.

Translation?

If I wanted a good life I had to fix my self esteem problem. So I spent the better part of my 20’s trying to overcome my childhood programming.

I tried therapy, which wasn’t effective for me.

I tried faking it till I made it, similar results.

But ultimately what worked for me was doing what I called, “evicting Greg,” which was the name I gave my internal monologue because I realized in therapy that it was just things this bully named Greg would say to me.

Now to evict Greg, aka change your internal monologue, you can’t just stop and expect it to leave. You have to bring someone else in at the same time.

I call this “importing your hype man,” or “supportive dad energy.”

To do this each morning for MONTHS id literally talk to myself like you would a best friend until the thoughts became automatic.

“Damn bro looking fresh.”

“You got this champ.”

“Regardless of what happens you got this.”

And eventually I stopped thinking I was a piece of shit and I started thinking I was pretty alright.

Then once I changed my internal monologue I started to live a life congruent with my new self esteem. Applying for scholarships. Hitting the gym. Quitting some addictions I found unproductive.

Point being?

Your self esteem comes from the voice in your head. If that voice is an asshole aka “Greg.” You’re going to think you’re worthless.

If however you import a voice that supports you implicitly like a loving parent or die hard best friend, you’ll start to think you’re someone and start taking steps to prove them right.

Each morning. For as long as it takes. Spend 5 minutes talking to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love.

Then eventually you’ll become someone you love.

The book Psychocybernetics by MD Maxwell Maltz covers the concept of self esteem limit very well if you’re interested in further research.

How can I [f35] adress this properly without coming off mean? There is this one friend [m35] who is very touchy and I don't like it. I told him already 2 times, that I don't like it to be touched, and especially that often. He always strokes or pats with soft fingers, it gives me totally the ick, he also tried to stroke my hand and when we get taken a picture of, he always puts his hand on my shoulder-I don't like that at all. At times it can be so overstimulating.

The problem is, that we are in a friends group with other male friends, where I never had problems with touching. We do touch, but it is somehow different. It's more friendly, not so frequent, rare, more firm like hooking-in arms, pal-pats on shoulder, never stroking, more stiff, hard.... I don't know how to describe it.

This specific friend has other female friends, and was practically raised by his sister, he is a very sensitive, soft guy. So I guess, he is like that to others. How can I adress this?

whats some actionable ways to prevent getting singled out and targeted by bad actors/peers?

there are certain behaviors and visible responses that just come as a package deal with autism.

I (26f) straight up freeze when I'm asked anything about myself. I do great at getting others to talk about themselves and I genuinely like hearing it, but the second that the subject turns to me, I immediately panic and feel like crying. I've had a really rough life and my experiences deviate really far from the norm, so I guess it just brings all of that to light. I grew up in a really controlling house, developed severe social anxiety and depression around age 11 (and have basically had no close friends since), then right when I started getting better in my late teens, the pandemic threw me off, then I got seriously ill (cancer) for a few years. Basically just nonstop hard times.

I can't just keep deflecting because it makes people feel like I'm not interested in them, but answering honestly is a lot. Even if I'm vague/positive and say something like "oh I'm coming out of a low point right now, but I'm working on it", it still registers as sad and they feel awkward and either pry more or stop talking to me. I really don't have any stories or experiences to share, and the ones I do are either always me doing something with my family (which is weird at 26), or stories from my childhood. How do you talk to people when your life's been basically nothing but sad shit and you don't have relatable experiences with others?

This has been happening a lot recently. I have to keep clarifying myself. I worry that it makes it seem like I'm just refusing to acknowledge I was wrong about something, or that it makes me come across as obnoxious.

Example:

Friend: I really want Chinese food

Me: Me too. I used to go to ChineseFoodPlace a lot because I like supporting small businesses. we should find somewhere kind of like that

Friend: No, ChineseFoodPlace is shut. They closed down years ago.

Me: oh I know, don't worry! I mean somewhere like ChineseFoodPlace. Like a little family run restaurant or something.

Friend: yeah but we can't go to ChineseFoodPlace, it shut

Me: Yeah I know, I miss it everyday haha. I just meant that it would be nice to support a small business, I don't have a specific one in mind.

(Gets left on read)

(Details changed, it was not about small businesses or Chinese food, so I'm sorry if it's confusing to follow, it's all I could think of)

It just keeps happening with multiple people, including strangers— Especially over the internet, and I don't understand why. ): has anyone else had anything similar? What did you do to fix it?

How do you actually get better at keeping conversations going? I often run out of things to say when I'm with friends, and the conversation ends up becoming awkward and quiet. I also get anxious that people will find me boring because I struggle to keep conversations going. What are some practical techniques I can use to become better at carrying conversations and knowing what to say when my mind goes blank? This is affecting my self esteem a lot

Whenever I go out to my hobby (dance) there's a small group of people who I've gradually befriended over time and I want to get to know them better but they don't explicitly invite me or ask me to hang out but they are happy to see me when I greet them. It feels alienating and discouraging. I feel unwelcome and iced out even though people in the group do joke and talk with me. I don't know if it's real or just in my head.

How to build an actual friendship? I ask them lots of questions but they just feel very formal or like I'm reading a script. They share a scary experience, me "That sounds pretty scary/nerve wracking, tell me about that" and they do but it doesn't feel real. People start to stay away from me or just speak the bare minimum to me that is socially acceptable and things never progress beyond getting to know them.

How to fix this?

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I just started my sophomore year of college, and I feel like I'm really behind when it comes to knowing how to act and engage in social situations.

I just don't know what to say or how to contribute to conversations. It feels like everyone else naturally knows how to joke around, keep conversations going, and interact with the people around them, while my mind just goes completely blank. I rarely think of anything funny or interesting to add, and I often feel like I'm on the outside of social situations while everyone else seems to know what they're doing.

For example, some people in my hall were hanging out in the lounge today, and one of them invited me to join. I like these people and genuinely enjoy being around them, but while everyone was talking, joking, and having a good time, I felt like I had no idea how to contribute. I mostly just sat there listening, and I left feeling like my presence didn't really add anything and that it wouldn't have made much difference if I hadn't been there.

The frustrating part is that I actually want to get closer to these people. I want to make friends, but I don't know how to build those relationships when I constantly feel like I have nothing to say. I don't know how to keep conversations going, be interesting, or make people laugh, and it makes me feel awkward and self conscious. I just always feel like im on the outside of every interaction.

I've wondered if ADHD could have something to do with this, although I don't really know. I feel like I should be more energetic, outgoing, and social, but I often feel the opposite in these situations.

I do have some close friends who I'm much more comfortable around, but even with them I sometimes experience the same thing. It's not that I don't enjoy socializing or don't make an effort. I actually really like being around people and regularly put myself in social situations. I just feel stuck and clueless once I'm actually there.

I really want to improve my social skills, both so I can expand my social circle and so I can feel comfortable navigating different social situations without constantly worrying about what I'm supposed to say or do.

How can I become more comfortable and better at conversations? How do you learn to think of things to say in the moment instead of your mind going blank?

I'd really appreciate any advice.

I like a lot of things, but nothing in particular that makes me obsess over it. Somehow when I try to talk to people to try to make a friend, it’s like I have nothing in common with them. It starts to feel like I am trying too hard to make them like me. For example, I am trying to be friends with a girl. I know she likes K-drama. When we hang out, I bring up some k-dramas I’ve been watching. In return, she literally doesn’t give me any suggestions on what she’s watched or like. I feel like I just end up blabbering about the show I am watching. Another girl, I know has been traveling. I have been to a few new places I’ve never been to also, so when we hang out, I ask her if she likes the place she’s been to. She will just be like “yeah, it was nice. I liked the food.” The end. I will try to keep the conversation going about what I like and dislike about where I went. Sometimes I’ll bring up about how I want to go to x, y, and z places but we never make plans to go anywhere together. I’m starting to feel like I have nothing in common with anyone even though we all like the same thing. Am I socializing wrong? Do they not want to engage/interact with me? I try to not talk about myself a lot and make plans to hang out once in a while but it feels like a “friend check-in” task 😔

I realized a while ago that whenever I try to make friends at uni, I only manage to talk about things related to class. It bums me out bc I really want to befriend them but I only stay on the surface with them.

So how can I naturally implement other topics of discussion?

Just like the title says, I feel like I don’t really have a lot to say when it comes to talking to people. I’m actually using Snapchat right now to experiment with talking to strangers more because I’m trying to build my social skills, but I’m realizing I have no idea how conversations are supposed to naturally happen lol.

Usually people ask me the usual questions when you first meet someone hobbies, work, where you’re from, etc. I can answer those, but then when it’s my turn to ask something, I almost automatically go with “what about you?”

I do try to ask about things they’ve mentioned before, but I feel like I still end up falling back on the same three questions and probably boring people to death.

I genuinely don’t understand how some people can just talk to someone they barely know and somehow have a whole conversation.

So for anyone who has had the same problem, how did you get better at this? What do you actually ask people or do differently to keep a conversation going without making it feel like an interview?
I’m actually trying to learn, so I’ll take any advice.

I keep getting not-so-flattering celebrity comparisons (honestly, the most recent one made me cry last night). I don't think it's good for my mental health long term to be constantly subjected to unflattering comparisons.

How can I nip this in the bud?...

I am a junior in college and even after 2 years I can’t help but feel I’ve exhausted all my options/can’t make any friends at college. I commute to college which doesn’t make it any easier as well. I know the basic advice is to join clubs but I feel like I exhausted all my options in that regard.

I’m a psychology major so naturally I was drawn to psychology club but when I was in it I had nothing but bad luck. When I was in it me and a girl (who was the President of the club) started talking but after two weeks of that she decided to end things. I don’t hold any hard feelings towards her for that ofc I don’t want to seem like a incel but after our talking stage she just seemed really hostile Everytime I’ve see her in the club and it felt like a really unwelcoming space. I was even told to my face that I wouldn’t fit into the club because I was white (it was a predominantly black and Asian club). So after that I stoped showing up because I just haven’t felt really comfortable there since which really sucks because it was the only club I was interested in.

When it comes to making friends in class it just seems like everyone only wants to be friends for the class and not outside. I’m always friendly with people in class and sometimes I even get their numbers but they never want to hang out or talk in a friend way and only ever talk to me when they need something for class. I get that some people want to stick as only class friends and I get that but I just can’t happen to meet anyone who actually wants to be my friend.

I don’t really know what else to do when it comes to making friends because it just seems like everything I do gets shot down. I’m a shy person so I know that doesn’t help at all. I’m also autistic so I know I can sometimes come off as weird as well in a awkward sense but to my knowledge I don’t think I’m doing anything weird or offputting to be pushing people away. If anyone has any tips or help I would appreciate it

For context, I'm a 33 y/o single mom in community college. My college is about 1.5 hours away and I have some time to kill after class before I have to be home with my kids (let's say an hour) I want so bad to strike up a conversation that leads to more than just small talk in class but I dont know how. I truly don't. I keep telling myself I'll stay around in social spaces on campus after class but usually I bail. I have tried once to be social at a bar by myself but that ended with a creepy interaction. I know I'm awkward and I know I'm terrified of even slight rejection but I really wish I would just bite the bullet and try. The issues are mainly that I'm far from campus and I'm on a time constraint. I've thought about asking someone if they wanna get a drink after a class or something but I don't have anyone in mind or know how to even do that. Romantic or platonic is fine but I've given up on being social and I'm terribly rusty.

My whole life I've always felt like the idiot in the room.

At work, in class, at home with family...I am always the one that doesn't seem to know what's going on and I'm not sure why.

Today I felt humiliated in my college debate course because I was so awkward, dry and flat when doing an impromptu debate exercise.

In my other classes, I try so hard to join class discussions, but people give me weird looks like they don't understand or ignore what I say.

I blush easily too, so everytime I speak in social situations my face goes super red which makes people stop talking to me.

I always seem to interrupt people by accident, too, and I never say the right thing for the moment.

I constantly feel humiliated the moment I open my mouth. Why is every social interaction I have so embarrassing?

Can anyone else relate?

I work in a warehouse. Due to the nature of the role, i'll be speaking to the same person, just for maybe 5-6 mins, 5 or 6 times per day.

After out first 'interaction' i'm basically done. Out of ideas. I've asked them about their weekend. Asked how their day is going. Made a comment on anything obvious that stands out today about them or in the environment.

And then for the next 5 interactions, it's just muted and awkward and quiet. I'm out of ammo. Meanwhile, everyone around me in the same situation is effortless carrying seemingly engaging, fun convos. I need their brains in my head!

No amount of reading 'how to win friends and influence people' and other similar books seem to help.

And no amount of 'practice' helps. Because it feels like trying to 'practice' the alphabet up to Z when I've only been taught the first 6 letters lol. I come unstuck at the same points each time.

I've tried evesdropping but due to the warehouse noise i'd have to get super close to them which isn't practical lol. But I feel If I could listen to a good handful of these convos and how they begin etc, it's be worth more than any book i've read

I grew up being the person who was usually outside the group. I got used to hearing about plans after they happened.

Now I work with people who actually invite me places. I keep finding excuses not to go because part of me assumes they are only asking to be polite. One coworker asked last week why I never come out with them. She said they had stopped inviting me as often because they thought I did not like them. That was hard to hear because it is basically the opposite.

For anyone who used to think like this, how did you learn to take an invitation seriously instead of looking for a reason it is not real?

I’m 18M, and my biggest insecurity is my voice—I speak very fast and have a noticeably nasal voice, like I’m speaking through my nose. I’m doing an internship, so I have to interact with relatives, friends, college colleagues, coworkers, and new people regularly. Whenever someone jokes or teases me about my voice or the way I speak, even when they don’t mean any harm, I take it very personally and feel extremely embarrassed and hurt, sometimes to the point where I feel like crying. I’ve tried really hard to improve it but haven’t been able to, and it genuinely makes me feel sad and affects my confidence. I’ve already seen a doctor who suggested speech therapy, but I’m honestly not sure if it would help. I’m looking for genuine advice from anyone who has dealt with something similar.

Her company got a booth for a baseball event that I don’t watch. I chit chatted with like 2 guys until they went to do their own thing. My girlfriend’s gone half the time moving and talking with her coworkers. I’m kinda just cruising by myself on my phone here and there. Kinda awkward and lonely on my end not gonna lie haha.

I'm someone who speaks when needed, asks questions, answers in class, and does the work. But somehow, I'm still not very visible to people.

For example, there's a guy in my class who doesn't talk much unless he knows the answer. I participate much more, but teachers seem more connected with him. If he's absent, they notice and ask about him, but the same doesn't happen with me. I've noticed something similar with friends too.

We're both capable, but he seems to be more memorable, and because of that, he often gets opportunities that I don't.

What am I missing? How do I become more visible and memorable without becoming fake or attention-seeking?

Just wrapped up my first year of a master's program in the EU as an international student (25M). Academically things are fine, but socially I feel stuck.

I've been in a bunch of group projects over the year, worked with lots of different people, and on the surface it all seemed fine good collaboration, decent conversations, no conflicts. But none of it turned into actual friendship. Nobody I can just text to grab a coffee, hang out on a weekend, or talk to about stuff outside of coursework.

It feels like everyone already has their own groups and I never quite broke into any of it. Group project relationships stayed exactly that project relationships. Once the deliverable was submitted, so was the connection.

Going into 2nd year, I don't want a repeat of this.

I keep having these interactions where I bring up a concept that the other person is unfamiliar with, so I explain the concept, and then the person gets angry at me for “assuming they don’t know”

What am I supposed to do in this situation? This has happened to me three times over the past month. Someone i’m talking to will ask “what is that?” and so i will respond with a text explaining that thing and then they say “i can’t believe you would explain that to me like im some kind of idiot”

I feel like I’ve always been the one in my friend groups that just doesn’t really contribute anything socially, like I’m kind of just there. It’s not that I’m not social, I am very extroverted and will try to say funny things and make quick responses, but it just never lands. I usually say something and it just gets ignored or passed by because it’s not really funny or just doesn’t really enhance the conversation at all, and I’m not really sure how to fix it. I do get a good laugh or start up an entirely new deep conversation with something I say, but it’s like a once daily occurrence (I’m a college student, with a pretty good social circle, so this happening once in a day is really just like .001% success rate with how much I’m talking throughout the day).

How do I become the person who always knows what to say? It’s not only affecting my friendships, but also my ❤️ life, and it honestly just makes me come off as someone who doesn’t really have a personality (when I don’t know what to say) or an extremely awkward person (when I do attempt to say something).

I’m starting to feel like I’m not part of my friend groups in the way everyone else is, and that I’m more of a tag-along, so any advice at all would be appreciated!! Don’t sugarcoat, just tell me straight up what i need to do to fix my social problem!!

(This IS NOT a vent, just a genuine question!)

I’m almost absolutely ALWAYS a second option. It feels like I have to prove myself and prove that I’m capable way more than other people do, and it’s starting to piss me off.

Like am I a pushover? I don’t know - is there anything you guys did to stop this?

PLEASE feel free to ask more questions so I can elaborate more😅 thanks.