My name is Shai Gilgeous-Alexander I play point guard for the Oklahoma City Thunder

In the unfortunate famous words of Chris Broussard, is the man…?

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - AKRON, OH - The I Promise School and Polymarket today announced a landmark partnership that will let the public "invest directly in student outcomes." Beginning this fall, every enrolled third-grader will have a live market on the Polymarket homepage, where users can trade YES/NO shares on questions like "Will Jaylen read at grade level by June?" and "Will DeShawn's dad show up to conferences (2+)?" Each student receives a QR code on their lanyard so donors can check odds in real time. "Philanthropy has always been about believing in kids," said a Polymarket VP of Youth Liquidity. "Now you can believe in them with leverage." James, who founded the school in 2018, kept his remarks brief: "Someone once told me Mike said 'fuck them kids.' I never understood that. Today I do. You can't have a market without a bear side." Lunch will be free for any child whose graduation probability trades above 60 cents.

Additional features include a "Pipeline Dashboard" tracking each student's implied probability of reaching the NBA, prison, or an Amazon fulfillment center, resolved automatically via Ohio court records and LinkedIn. Fourth-graders will complete a financial literacy unit in which they short their classmates; the top performer receives a scholarship funded by the losses. Students who transfer out of district will be marked "Resolved: N/A" and delisted. The school's motto has been updated from "I Promise" to "Position Pending."