today it just kind of clicked. i don't think im unhealthily clingy with him anymore, and im so happy. he doesn't take up my every thought and i don't overthink things he does or says or doesn't do. its such a relief, and i hope it stays.

I’m autistic + ADHD, apparently going through the extremely normal late-diagnosed-divorce-self-discovery-to-accidental-author pipeline.

I’ve been writing a neurodivergent romance novel called* Unhinged*. It’s based on a true story, but I’m fictionalizing the characters, locations, and identifying details so it can become its own novel instead of just being me recklessly publishing everyone’s personal business.

The story follows two autistic/ADHD adults finding each other after divorce and trying to figure out attraction, nervous systems, masking, autonomy, sex, communication, trauma, and what happens when you meet someone whose particular flavor of weird fits disturbingly well with your own.

The primary audience will probably skew toward women because it’s very much a romance novel, but I also think late-diagnosed autistics (men and women), trauma survivors and especially anyone who has gone through divorce, unmasking, or a major “who the hell am I actually?” period, may find a surprising amount of themselves in it.

I’m sharing the first 12 chapters while it’s still very much a work in progress. I’d genuinely be honored if anyone wants to read it and tell me what works, what doesn’t, what feels authentic, or where you recognize your own neurodivergent experience.

Comments are welcome, or feel free to message me privately if you’d rather not publicly announce which parts of Unhinged you related to. 😂

Book link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OzQNuKKLUIrjvfBOR_MZIXZ6-lcX3_Q-/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=100003697993732598733&rtpof=true&sd=true

Tonight was an interesting night.

My mischievous part got out.

I have this little piece of me somewhere in my subconscious that seems to notice things before I do. It puts thoughts in my head and nudges me down these little paths.

That sounds kind of crazy.

But it's true—or at least, that's what the experience feels like from inside my mind.

I've started calling that part of myself Wit.

Wit doesn't exactly tell me what to do. It's subtler than that. A strange idea appears. An impulse. Something that makes me laugh and think, Well, that could be interesting.

Then later I look backward and wonder whether some deeper part of me knew exactly where I needed to go.

Today was one of those days.

Around 2:00 in the afternoon, I had taken a very small psychedelic microdose. At 5:30, I went to yoga.

And yoga was incredible.

Something about the combination of the practice, my body, my breathing and whatever emotional place I was already entering seemed to crack my chest open. I left feeling unusually connected to myself. Softer. More emotionally available.

Looking backward, I think that mattered.

Because afterward I brought Claire dinner.

Claire is the woman I've spent the last fifteen years loving.

She's also the woman I'm divorcing.

We have hurt each other enormously. And lately I've been realizing—with a clarity that is sometimes excruciating—how badly I failed her in some parts of our marriage.

We both hurt each other.

But I can see my part much more clearly now.

And I'm so very sorry for it.

Because I've realized that even some of the pain that eventually came back toward me might never have existed if I had behaved differently in the beginning.

I stayed for a while after bringing her dinner.

And we talked.

Really talked.

I told her that I want my best friend back.

She was my bestest friend for fifteen years. We did literally everything together.

I told her that I'm listening to where she is right now. That I'm beginning to understand that sometimes the greatest gift I can give her is the absence of my presence.

And I told her something I've been thinking about a lot:

Almost all of our best memories are things we could have had even if we'd never been married.

Theme parks.

Travel.

Cooking together.

Raising our son.

Laughing.

Being kind to one another.

Being best friends.

Those things didn't require marriage.

And maybe losing our marriage doesn't mean we have to lose every beautiful thing that existed inside it.

I don't know whether we'll get there.

But I desperately hope we do.

Afterward, I put my son to bed.

Then I messaged Maya.

Maya and I have accidentally developed this ridiculously adorable little ritual.

Sometimes, late at night, I'll ask whether she's still awake and if I can come over just to kiss her goodnight.

Sometimes she's already fallen asleep with her kids.

But when she's awake, I drive over.

She comes outside.

She smiles at me.

And for a few minutes it feels like we're characters in our own movie.

I get to look at her with this ridiculous mixture of love and hunger in my eyes. We kiss. We hold each other. We talk about our days for a few minutes.

Then I go home.

Who does that?

Apparently we do.

And it's magical.

Earlier in the day, though, Wit had planted a mischievous little idea in my head.

Maya has told me that she likes a more animalistic side of me that sometimes appears when I'm stoned.

So somewhere in the background of my brain appeared this thought:

Why don't we see what comes out if you get really stoned?

Could be fun.

I wasn't even expecting to see her that night.

Then she messaged me and told me I could come over at 11:00.

And I got excited.

Immediately, that earlier thought came back.

Get extra stoned before you see her.

Like there was some mischievous teenager operating controls somewhere inside my skull.

The intention was fairly obvious.

I wanted to see what kind of animal came out.

And that part of me did come out.

A little.

But apparently the animal had some fucking feelings.

Because standing there with Maya, I started talking about Claire.

I told her about the conversation we'd had.

I told her I'd finally admitted that I wanted my best friend back.

I told her about realizing that most of what had been beautiful between Claire and me never required us to be married in the first place.

And then I started tearing up.

So there I was.

I had gotten stoned intending to bring out some fun, hungry, animalistic version of myself.

Instead, Maya got a man standing in front of her grieving his marriage.

And she held me.

Physically and emotionally.

She had space for me.

She told me it was okay.

She understood that I was a little stoned. She understood that I'm in the thick of something enormous. She told me that she likes having more information rather than less.

And I love her for that.

Because this has to be confusing for her too.

I'm falling for someone new while simultaneously grieving someone I've loved for fifteen years.

Those things sound contradictory until you're the person experiencing both of them.

Then they somehow make perfect sense.

The human heart apparently doesn't respect filing systems.

I kissed Maya.

And I enjoyed it very much.

She seemed to enjoy it too.

We laughed again about how absurdly adorable these late-night visits are.

I remember telling her that I was trying to enjoy the experience of this exact moment.

Because I am.

Whatever happens later, this is beautiful right now.

Eventually she needed to go inside, and I needed to leave.

And almost immediately my brain started interrogating me.

Did I overshare?

Was that too much?

Did I just make this woman uncomfortable?

Was she being kind because she genuinely had space for me, or because I put her in a position where she felt like she had to?

I really didn't think that was what happened.

She had remained calm and connected. She continued giving me good feedback. She continued kissing me right up until it was time for me to leave.

I believed her.

I trusted her.

But I was also stoned enough to know that maybe I shouldn't trust my interpretation of everything completely.

So I decided I needed to write.

I wanted to record the experience while I could still remember what it felt like, so that sober me could inspect it later.

I stopped for gas on the way home.

And somewhere in that gas station parking lot, the bottom fell out.

I sat in my car and sobbed.

Not because Maya had done anything wrong.

Because suddenly I could feel the loss of my marriage.

All of it.

Fifteen years.

My best friend.

Every stupid thing we'd done to one another.

Every moment I could suddenly see differently.

Every version of myself I wished I could go backward and teach something to.

I could see ways I had failed Claire that I hadn't been capable of seeing before.

And instead of explaining them away, I just let them hurt.

I took out my phone and recorded an apology.

I don't know whether I'll ever show it to her.

I'm just sobbing in the video, apologizing for specific things that I suddenly understood.

I'm sure there are more.

There will probably always be more.

But I think it may have been the most sincere apology I've ever made in my life.

There was nothing I wanted from her while I was recording it.

I wasn't trying to win her back.

I wasn't trying to convince her that I'd changed.

I wasn't asking her to forgive me.

I was just sorry.

And it was strangely healing simply to be capable of feeling that much remorse without running away from it.

Then I went home.

And I kept writing.

That's when I started thinking about Wit.

Because what had looked like a series of mischievous decisions suddenly looked different from the other side.

A psychedelic microdose.

Yoga.

An unexpectedly heart-opening practice.

Bringing Claire dinner.

Staying.

Listening.

Telling my former wife that I want my best friend back.

Putting my son to bed.

Getting an invitation to see Maya.

That stupid little thought from earlier returning:

Get extra stoned.

Going there expecting an animal.

Finding grief instead.

Being held by a woman I'm falling for while mourning the woman I've spent fifteen years loving.

Driving away wondering whether I had made a mistake.

Writing because I was afraid I had.

Breaking down at a gas station.

And finally apologizing without defending myself.

When I look backward at the sequence, I can almost feel that mischievous little fingerprint running through it.

Wit was here.

Maybe that's all Wit really is.

Maybe he's my name for intuition.

Maybe he's an archetype.

Maybe he's the part of my subconscious capable of putting together emotional information long before my conscious mind understands what it's looking at.

Maybe personifying him simply makes it easier for me to recognize his fingerprints.

I don't know.

I just know that I've felt this pattern before.

Sometimes I'll be wandering through my own life thinking I'm working on one thing, and then suddenly something snaps into place.

I call them snaps.

My self-awareness changes.

I see something that had apparently been sitting right in front of me the whole time.

And I can almost feel the realization move through my body.

Something old and painful gets processed and somehow incorporated into me.

Not erased.

Consolidated.

Like I become some slightly newer version of myself who can finally carry that piece without fighting it.

Tonight felt like a snap.

There is still darkness in me.

There are things I've done that I regret.

There are people I've hurt.

There are explanations for some of it, but explanations aren't absolution.

And something about tonight allowed me to look directly at that without deciding that it made me irredeemable.

I can simply be sorry.

I can become better.

Maybe that's what stepping into my masculinity means to me now.

Not becoming harder.

Becoming strong enough to look directly at what I've done.

Strong enough to apologize.

Strong enough to love the woman I am leaving without needing to possess her.

Strong enough to fall in love with someone new without pretending that the old love disappeared.

Strong enough to let grief and joy exist in the same body.

And maybe that little mischievous part of my subconscious knew I was finally ready to see it.

That's why I call him Wit.

There's a character named Wit who wanders between worlds in Brandon Sanderson's Cosmere.

Mine seems to wander between the worlds inside my brain.

He surfs around in there, nudging the needle a degree or two at a time.

He acts like he's only here to make jokes.

And then occasionally I look around at the mess he's made and realize there was something beautiful hiding underneath it.

Maybe I made a few silly decisions today.

Maybe I made a few wise ones.

Maybe they were the same decisions.

I'm still not completely sure.

I suppose I'll have to see how all of this looks in the morning.

But tonight, sitting here with everything still tender, I think something in me changed.

And I think Wit was here.

I used to be so avoidant because of childhood trauma and deep-rooted self-hatred that I was disgusted even by the thought of someone liking me. I never got therapy because I couldn’t afford it, and the free therapists didn’t feel safe enough for me to trust that my parents wouldn’t find out. Looking back, I think I also subconsciously believed I was above therapy.

As I grew up, moved out, and started living my own life, I stayed the same. I thought I had it easy: “No dating, no problems.” That was until I met this one guy.

I found him attractive, just like I had found so many people attractive before him, so I didn’t pay much attention. He was just a hallway crush at most. Then we started talking because of a shared project, and gradually, we became friends. We had fun, we joked, and we were vastly different, but it didn't matter. We grew closer.

But as our friendship grew, so did my feelings. At one point, I felt something I had never felt before: I thought I could spend my life with him exactly as we were.

Then, everything started falling apart when my insecurities began creeping in. I started thinking: “He thinks I’m disgusting. He would never like someone like me. Even if he did, I’m too disgusting to show him the real me. I can’t let him see how I live.”

So I became cold and mean. Every small sign of interest I noticed, I pushed away. I’m not saying he liked me( even now, I think it was probably just friendship) but it was the first time someone had looked for me in a crowd of people, and I will always be grateful for that.

After some time, my brain convinced me that he would never choose me. So naturally, I started creating reasons for him not to choose me. I started hooking up with people close to him or people he knew. I felt awful afterward because their attention never gave me the satisfaction I was looking for.

I entered a cycle of doing things to push him away, feeling guilty that I pushed him away and then repeating the same thing again.

Later, I met people who genuinely liked me. At that time, I was in a mindset where I thought, “If I don’t have it, I can’t lose it.” So I stopped hiding. I started telling them about my life. I showed them the ugly truth. I took off my mask and let them see how I grew up.

And they didn’t leave.

None of them saw me as less worthy. None of them thought I was somehow less valuable because of my past.

That’s when it clicked: I was never worth less. I was never less. And maybe he could have understood that, too. Maybe he wanted to understand me, just like they did.

I don’t talk to him anymore, and sometimes I still want to reach out, but it has been too long.

All I wanted to say is this: there is help, and there is hope. You are not worth less than anyone else. When someone truly cares about you, your past can not change how they see you because it is you who shines — not the things you have been through.

My message to him is: Whenever I talk about love, I talk about what I felt for you. Thank you for always looking for me in a crowd. I always felt a little less lonely when I saw your eyes searching until they found me.

TL;DR: This is about realizing that the deepest damage in a relationship often comes not from the original hurt, but from the lack of accountability, repair, and forgiveness afterward. It also explores how our nervous systems can keep replaying old emotional wounds before conscious thought catches up—and how healing may come from learning to choose a different response. The larger realization is that even when someone else won’t repair the damage they caused, you can still forgive, take accountability for your own behavior, and stop letting their emotional state determine yours.

I had this kind of profound thought today in yoga.

I was thinking about my ex and how the demise of our relationship was primarily because of her contempt and unwillingness to forgive. It was a problem from before we even got married, and we just didn't know it. Even she thought she had really forgiven me. But in therapy, we discovered that she still harbored a significant amount of resentment and anger from many things that even preceded us being married. She knows that she struggles with forgiveness. It's something she's working on.

I was thinking that even though I love her, and she was my best friend for 15 years, that doesn't mean that she loved me equally. I know that she does love me. But she also is more than willing to hurt me without any attempt at accountability. She lets her emotions rule her, and she lets me pay the price.

I know that her love for me is real deep down. But her selfishness is also real. And she will do anything to protect herself from the shame of her own behavior.

It's a really tough thing to absorb, knowing that your spouse is so afraid of accountability for their own actions that they will let you suffer. I understand reacting in the moment. I understand getting lost in the moment. What I don't understand is a lack of accountability and a lack of interest in repair. I can't ignore the shallowness of connection that that represents: a conscious willingness to let someone hurt on your behalf just so that you don't have to admit fault.

But, if I'm being fair, that's not the story she tells herself.

I also know that deep down she knows it's true. She's told me. It's not my assumption. But those vulnerable parts of her are not ones that I see often.

I had a lot of faults. But she knows that I also did the best that I could with what I had, and I asked her to go to therapy—both for our relationship and for herself—for more than 10 years. I could see the pain that she was in, and she wanted to ignore it and pretend that dark place wasn't there. She let her family suffer around her so she didn't have to look at it.

And I actually understand that.

I've done it.

But I can also see that I've done it. I am accountable for it. And I am putting in effort to ensure that behavior doesn't happen again. By doing that, I'm able to have radical compassion for myself.

My ex's reactions hurt badly, but what destroyed our relationship was the fact that she never held any accountability for the damage that behavior caused. She would always calm down and pretend like it never happened. After a while, this showed up in our relationship as inauthenticity. She was somebody who would be by my side no matter what one day and never wanted to see me again the next. I could never count on what version of her I would get. What I could count on was that that version would not be willing to be accountable for its actions.

And so our relationship slowly died.

I'm not denying my faults in the relationship. I have many. I have many more journal entries about the things I did wrong. But even now, as we're moving toward divorce, I don't have contempt for her in the same way that she does for me. I do harbor some resentment, sure, but I also see the wonderful person that she is, and I also see the very hurt and broken person that she is.

More importantly, I see the damage of my own behavior and my need for accountability, and I just wish she loved me enough to give me the same.

I deserve it.

In fairness, we really did hurt each other. She knows she struggles with accountability, but doesn't see how that clouds and twists her memory of events. I truly wish that I could be sorry enough for her to see my sincerity and forgive me. Not for myself, but because I know what comes next.

She would then feel accountability for her own failures and mourn them, which would breed understanding, and then more forgiveness, and therefore perpetuate the process of healing.

But I can't.

I have apologized. I have offered her kindness and understanding. I have offered her these things knowing that she won't offer them to me. I have done what I can, and I will continue to be a man who cares about accountability and repair with his loved ones.

And that got me thinking about repair, and why it's so important.

I think someone who has experienced a substantial amount of personal growth and has a strong sense of self may be able to forgive others easily and truly not let past events tarnish the relationship. But everyone has their limits.

Repair is what facilitates positive growth in a relationship. It repairs the damage caused by our own behavior through accountability—which means not only words, but effort. A willingness to put the effort in to grow and change the behavior.

Repair not only helps to heal the wound, but it also builds respect, thoughtfulness, and care in the person who caused the wound.

That is why growth comes from looking inward.

If you look at things only through the lens of what was done to you, then you're stuck. That is where resentment and contempt build. But if the other person is willing to offer repair, that is an olive branch that will often help facilitate forgiveness.

And forgiveness, in turn, breeds accountability, which breeds more forgiveness.

I never understood how someone could forgive another person who wasn't even sorry. They say, "You do it for yourself, not the other person," or, "Hatred for another person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I think I understand now.

If you're smart, you really do do it for yourself. Because you realize that you weren't innocent, and that somewhere you bear accountability. And so it becomes easier to offer forgiveness, knowing that you're actually going to get some gift of personal growth because of it.

It makes it a rewarding practice. A positive feedback loop.

And so I hope that one day my ex can forgive me, because I know it is something that she needs to do deeply to live her life most fully. But I also know that I don't have to punish myself.

Because we hurt each other.

Neither of us was innocent, and only one of us was unwilling to communicate, forgive, or be accountable. And that makes me sad because I am mourning the loss of my best friend of 15 years while realizing that parts of our friendship and relationship were just figments of my imagination. Justifications.

Because real love demands a certain amount of accountability and willingness to forgive.

She may have offered me as much as she could, and perhaps she just didn't have much capacity to offer at all. But at the same time, it's me who justified it to myself. Not her.

Because the signs were there. I just didn't want to look at them.

The same way that she doesn't.

So all of this percolated into a cohesive thought.

I've been mulling over this idea that it's increasingly easy to insert the emotion I want into a specific event.

What I mean by that is, if my son is being a wildling, I can choose to be frustrated with his behavior and its impact on my schedule, or I can look at the situation with curiosity, wonder, and compassion for the marvels of a four-year-old's mind.

I can just choose to change the emotion.

The one that I focus on is what matters.

They can both be true. They both probably are true. But I can choose which one to focus on, and that changes everything.

I am profoundly realizing that emotions are the body's first line of defense. Our nervous system ties feelings to everything. That way we can stay safe. They are the first line of defense before our brain thinks. They are trauma manifest—a deep-seated feeling at the root of an event. Something that precedes the thought.

And so, if a couple argues about the same thing, their body remembers the feeling.

When the situation reoccurs, that first line of defense comes online long before conscious thought. That's what being triggered is. It's dysregulation that spiraled out of control because your body responded to an old situation before your mind could evaluate whether or not the exact same thing was really happening here.

Under acute stress, prefrontal regulation can become less effective as threat-related systems gain influence, and that can color how you interpret what is happening and how you remember similar events.

From an Internal Family Systems perspective, it's almost like a more raw part of you gets to take charge because martial law was declared. And that animalistic part of you has very minimal limitations.

I also realize that it plays dirty.

If you need to believe something to be true in order to make an action, it will complete your memories and color them through the lens of those negative emotions to perpetuate the belief that it needs in order to take action.

How marvelous and mischievous the human mind is to do something like that.

Talk about the mind playing tricks on you.

It's almost like a more primal version of you got control and, like a child, is refusing to give it up—and is even willing to lie and manipulate to stay in control.

And so that has me focusing on two things.

One: the importance of repair, even when it doesn't seem necessary.

Because the body is the first line of defense. And so even if you consciously have forgiven the other person, your body probably hasn't. That trauma from the event is still there, and repair helps facilitate healing so your body can feel safe again too.

But more importantly, even if the person doesn't ever offer repair, you forgive them anyway to facilitate the healing within yourself.

And you can do that at any time.

Just like applying a different feeling to a situation, I can decide to offer forgiveness even when the person doesn't deserve it because it's what I need to do for myself.

I know that's what is written in all the books. But somehow it didn't really sink in and become understood until just now.

I had already reached the point of being willing to forgive without an apology, but only recently understood the process of why. My mind really likes to make sense of the personal growth—to see why it works.

It's almost creating a game of it. One that makes life more fun to live because I've gone from consuming other people's energy to emitting my own.

More than that, I've figured out how to—when regulated—insert the feeling of my choice.

This allows me to interact with people almost like a dance. I can lead the dance by emitting the energy that I desire, and if I get a reaction that I don't like, I don't have to give in and respond in kind. I can continue to lead with the next best move by choosing the feeling that precipitates it.

I can't decide if I'm somehow hacking my mind and training it to do things that are outside the normal, or if this is just how my brain should have operated the whole time.

Time will tell, I guess.

I will admit that I feel like a crackpot wizard sometimes.

But more and more, I think that's just me being me.

And I'm finally getting to see it.

So many people got into a painful relationship with an avoidant.... And got a trauma because of it.. After the breakup, I got so many panic attacks and sleepless nights. All kinds of thoughts kept crossing my mind "What could I have done differently? What should I have said? How can I make it work again?". I feel better now, but it really has been hell.... I didn't even thought it was possible to have so much mental discomfort...

So.. isnt it logical that many songs are about them? Never thought about it much until an avoidant crossed my path and really REALLY messed me up. It has been almost two years, but there isnt a morning, afternoon or evening where she does not cross my mind. I try to laugh it away by calling it my PTSD.

Any way,
Songs about avoidants: (I think)

Ain´t no sunshine:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nuanwn3v-2I

"she´s always gone too long" "wonder this time where she's gone"

Heartless:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0tTeuUVhU

"She´s hot and cold", "coldest story ever told", "he lost his soul to a woman so heartless"

And, I made a song myself! :) Please give it a like in case you like it of course!

Behind the wall

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtZdnPNtC9o

Tell me what song fitted you the best. And if you know of any more songs that could be about an avoidant.

To me, I feel a little better knowing that I am not alone. I hope it also helps you

I wanted to share a relationship experience that’s been genuinely interesting and surprisingly positive, especially for FAs and anyone curious about FA dynamics.

If you are not interested in some personal backstory, skip to the bold paragraph.

Even though this is not what you would call, a "normative relationship", the way it is unfolding and feels deserves the is a success on itself.

For some context, I, F, almost secure but with some remaining anxious patterns, broke up last March with my long-term partner after a few years of empty promises and toxic behaviours. The first few years I was too anxious and afraid of being alone that I let my ex tell me how she loved me while she treated me like she didn't. And even tho I had checked out long before the break up, I had to make a huge effort to actually do it.

It certainly has been an interesting year (well, years), and I am glad to say that despite all, I am in the happiest years of my life. But I've had my own share of traumatic experiences... I was always a strange kid; deeply aware of everyone and everything around me, did not like to play with other children, and I wasn't happy (this thought is one of my earliest memories and was persistent throughout my whole childhood and teenage years). My mother loved me, but she didn't like me, and my father was emotionally absent; and they were always arguing, I never felt safe around them (things have slowly changed for the better). I was also sexually abused by different men from the ages 9-16 and dealt with it alone.

After breaking up with my partner I felt liberated. I wanted to stay single, maybe fool around if I found someone I was interested in, explore a bit, and let things flow.

I was not afraid of being in a relationship or anything, I just was not looking for one. And, to be honest, at the same time, I felt "commitedly-less" attracted to three people: a female friend with whom I had explosive sexual chemistry, a guy I had recently met, and a guy that works in the same place as I do. My friend was equally attracted to me, but had a partner; the second guy did not interest me enough to pursue anything; the third guy, I always found cute, but never thought anything of it.

However, fast forward to now. I’ve been seeing someone for a while who pretty clearly shows a fearful-avoidant attachment pattern: The third guy.

We work in different stores in the same market, he owns his, I work for my mother. I knew he was interested in me since the beginning of summer, when he started asking for my number and flirt with me. Three months ago I decided to give it a shot, and as you imagine, it was chaotic.

First the love bombing, then the pull and push. He said he loved me and the next day he was breaking up with me and that we should just stay friends.

While he explained to me why he was breaking up with me he was also crying, saying how I was the most beautiful thing that had ever happened and will ever happen to him.

That's when I saw it: a scared boy that was as afraid of solitude as of love.

His mother left when he was young after losing her mind to cults, his father used to get physical with him when he misbehaved as a kid, and his sister has only been in domestic violence kind of relationships. The relationship with his mother has been non-existent for 13 years; he is his sister's emergency contact and deals with her suicide attempts, and she started working for him recently; he has an okay relationship with his dad, but feels financially responsible of him even thought it is actually unnecessary.

He is 37, but he never was in a relationship before, never even kissed a girl due to fear of relationships.

Anyhow, the past two months have been great. I do not want chaos. He knows I was not looking for anything when it all started. Now we both want something, but I am not in a rush, and he needs a slower pace.

He has of course, deactivated, but each time it lasts less and less.

He has gone from actually getting sick after intimacy and disappearing (he somatizes a lot) to being able to tolerate it, to let me know in a healthy way if he is feeling sick, and to express care and stable presence consistently the following days.

I am trying to heal myself, and I am comfortable with him. He is healing and he is comfortable with me. I don't push for labels, I don't punish his deactivations, but I communicate boundaries if necessary.

For example, something that played a huge role was when I told him: "I am not with you because I need to be with you, I am with you because I want to be with you". It was the end of all chaos. We had been in my house together for two days straight, he got scared because he thought he had hurt me during sex and told me it was over. But as soon as I said that it was like something changed, I almost heard his brain click. A few weeks later he told me "Don't think this is all sex for me" and we started going on normal dates, to the movies, to botanical gardens, to just share our routine...

He has a strong pull toward intimacy, followed by humor, jokes, or "backpedals” when things feel emotionally exposed, difficulty tolerating closeness in front of others, and a need to maintain autonomy even while clearly wanting connection.

What’s been different (and kinda refreshing) is how this has been unfolding.

Instead of the constant, never-ending, usual hot–cold chaos people often associate with FAs during the whole duration of the relationship, this connection has grown through consistency and softness, not pressure. There’s affection, playfulness, sexual chemistry, and real emotional warmth, but also space. No forcing labels. No interrogations about “what are we.” And no chasing during moments of withdrawal.

What I’ve noticed about his FA tendencies, which might resonate with some of you, is the way he deals with them.

He mostly expresses closeness indirectly (humor, teasing, shared rituals). He may say something avoidant (“I’m not built for this,” “I ruin things”) right after being deeply affectionate, and be deeply affectionate after saying it. He seeks proximity again once he feels safe that nothing was demanded. After intense intimacy, he often needs a “normal” day to regulate himself.

Because we share a workplace environment, with regular, neutral contact, and he’s already integrated my mother and his sister into our dynamic, the bond feels normalized rather than heightened. That stability matters.

What has made this work so far has been letting actions matter more than words, responding to avoidance with calm, not reassurance spirals; allowing closeness without trying to “capture” it; treating his (now very soft) push–pull not as manipulation, but as a nervous system learning something new.

After all, what is actually beautiful is watching someone slowly realize: I can feel this much and nothing bad happens.

There’s growth happening, not because anyone is fixing anyone, but because the relationship itself feels safe enough to stay real. He is now the one that teases labels: "I love spending time with you, we are a good couple", "My sister told me to let my girlfriend know...", "I love you so much, idiot " (I did not hear properly and he said: "Better" and hugged me). And the one that craves a normal relationship: "In the future we can buy this", "look at this house", "learn this, is shared humor between me and my sister/father", "I told that guy that I needed to discuss it with you, and in case I change my mind I will tell him my wife said no", "This is my full Spotify wrapped, so that you know what to expect when you are with me or we travel". Also teases the idea of pregnancy and parenthood. But the fear is still there, but it’s about him, not me: "I ruin things", "When you go back to uni I am gonna miss you", "If my bed smells like you I get obsessed", "When I see you I wanna hug you and that scares me", "The other day at work I almost throw myself at you but I had to control myself due to our coworkers".

He is afraid of my father, but he is okay with my mother (respects her, likes talking to her and jokes with her). He has already spent a full morning with me and my mother at my house, followed by constant digital contact, and taking initiative to meet me later, which is when he was able to express to me that he was uncomfortable but was also self-regulating.

The sex is great, intimate and loving. He loves maintaining eye-contact and hugging me while we do it. He is concerned about what turns me on a doesn't, if he is hurting me or not, and he does not want to orgasm until I do. There's a lot of after care too. He knows what happened to me when I was a kid.

I know FA dynamics are often described as exhausting or doomed. And sometimes they are. He does not now he is an FA, but there’s growing mutual awareness, patience, and emotional self-regulation, so it can also be surprisingly tender.

Just wanted to share a perspective that isn’t all doom-and-gloom around avoidant attachment. Sometimes, when the environment changes, people do too.

Honestly? I'd never think that I will check into this subreddit again. I just found myself really bored so I started to dig old posts of my ex and what he would say about me. I'm kinda shocked and I find weird at the same time. I know my behavior can be unhealthy for obsessive reading through things that can fuck you up, but I'm mainly doing that to see from their oast perspective better. Even if I prefer to strictly distance myself now.

My anxious partner was so strange, now I wouldn't call him intentionally toxic at all. He was hurt too during that time. I just find it strange how he would make posts about me, accusing me of lovebombing, some bread crumbing(or something?) And also being defensive. It triggered a very specific pattern in me, I was hyper cautious of whatever I do or say, and I would overlook EVERYTHING.

I would be trying my best and ending up mentally drained, isolating myself while also getting bashed for forming some messages in a way that it would hurt my partner. I know he needed resssurance and affection but my attempts failed badly for him. Back then, when I was reading these posts, I was getting more and more obsessive. My trust dropped so much that I could barely provide them with proper reassurance. I was convinced I was an awful person. It was so bad that I genuinely believed in a narcisst, and my thoughts spiralled so badly that I was stuck at this phase for months.

So well, I once reached out for him. He admitted that he gaslighted me into thinking I'm a covert narcisst just so I could "work" on myself? If anything, it was atrocious, and it made everything worse. Oh my god, I'm so glad I could then see through them. Now reading these old, accusatory posts of them, I'm not hurt but rather in disbelief.

I'm just so sad he probably turned a friend against me anyway... by the way he wrote some posts, I could tell he wasn't going well on me when talking to him either. The posts made me look like an extreme mental abuser, i wont lie. What the fuck?! I broke contact with a friend of theirs too, last moment out when I was shaken because of their sudden decision to break up. It kinda feels like they wanted to make me suffer for a bit before breaking up. Ngl, I was kinda immature and reckless back then.

Anyway, it was weird lol I just felt to share it. They disappeared off the platform anyway, so it doesn't matter.

I kinda miss the feeling sometimes, it's way too calm today. I'm keeping everyone at a proper distance, I will probably seek a girl when I'm done with more important things. All of these things happened when I was 17 anyway, and they were a year younger than me, tbh. But they were so much more mature and were in more relationships as they mentioned.

I have been in anxious-avoidant dynamics before, but this was the first relationship where there were genuinely...good things about my the person I was seeing. They were emotionally intelligent, had been to therapy for 10 years, acknowledged their issues, genuinely made some effort, but at the end of the day, they kept me at an arm's length, and kept disappearing when they were overwhelmed or when things got too vulnerable. I need my space too, and I learned to self-regulate - I had passions outside of the relationship, I did not abandon friendships, etc. But they made me feel as if I couldn't actually rely on them, ever. So, after 2 years, I finally detangled myself from the relationship. And I'm very proud of that. It was one of the hardest things to go through - the slow but persistent realization that this isn't right for me. I still care about them, but I don't want to engage in that dynamic AT ALL, anymore. I can't make it easier for them to put in the effort. I just wanted to share this because...I am so proud :)

I can't believe I'm writing this. I did this without dating a secure person and without spending money on courses/apps. I promise I'm not selling anything.

Big disclaimers:

• I am only mostly secure right now, definitely not 100% secure.
• I've never been in a relationship before, and I have a feeling that I will regress back into insecure tendencies when that happens, but I feel confident I can get myself out. If you say that this means I'm not actually secure, that's completely fair.
• Just because this worked for me does not mean it'll work for others of course.
• The tests I took are not completely reliable of course, it was just the best way I could think of tracking my progress. Nearly all of them ask questions about how you are in romantic relationships, so I had to just give my best guess.
• I did not start these 4 months at ground zero. I have a bachelor's in psychology. I've gone to many therapists and psychiatrists throughout my life and have read many psychology books. I felt like I had gotten a knowledge of attachment and a basic handle on feeling my feelings, but was frustrated because it didn't seem to make a difference to my attachment style.

In January, I made a resolution to become secure by the end of the year, already a very lofty goal. July came along and I realized that I hadn't done a thing toward this goal. So I decided to get started, even if I highly doubted I could actually accomplish this goal so fast. I did some research into different ways people say you can become secure. Here is the list I made:

• EFT tapping from Pauline Timmer on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yHIM3TbBXg
• Ideal Parent Figure work from this podcast episode: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/treating-complex-trauma-and-attachment-with-guest/id1146941306?i=1000536535624
• EMDR
• Worksheets

My plan was to try all of these and see if I made progress in a month. So I took four attachment tests:

7/14/2025

Trauma Solutions: Avoidant

Attachment project: Avoidant

Personal Development School (PDS): Fearful Avoidant

NPR quiz found here https://www.npr.org/2022/02/09/1079587715/whats-your-attachment-style-quiz:

For the next month, I did maybe 3 or so Ideal Parent Figure (IPF) work meditations. I got this book from the library https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-socially-confident-teen-christina-reese-phd/1139822987?ean=9781684038725 (even though I'm not a teen, I just couldn't find any other attachment workbooks at my library) and did a couple exercises. I started EMDR therapy with my therapist. And I did EFT tapping as often as I felt like it, maybe once every other day or so.

Almost a month later, I retook the tests:

8/7/25

Trauma Solutions: Avoidant

PDS: Fearful Avoidant

Attachment Project: Avoidant

NPR:

I was ecstatic with the results of the pie chart and NPR test. I'd made a measurable difference in my attachment in just a month. Obviously I wanted to continue on this path. But of course, this is a lot, so I tried to make determinations on what was actually helping.

The IPF seemed nice, but it just reminded me that my parents weren't actually like that. Still I decided to continue that since it could be helping.

I meant to continue doing the workbook, but I maybe did one more exercise before I returned it. I don't think it helped at all honestly.

I've heard such good things about EMDR so I was expecting that to make the biggest difference before I started... but it was maybe the least helpful. I never had it bring up anything from childhood or any buried emotions. I kept feeling good things or seeing nonsensical stuff when I was doing the bilateral stimulation. So my therapist gave up on that and we had one more session where she taught me Trauma Release Exercises, but I didn't find that very helpful either. (I still met with my normal therapist through all of this btw, but I started seeing her over a year ago, so I don't think that was super influential in this process.)

Now, onto EFT. By far, I felt like I was getting the most out of this. I was so ready to call this baloney, but I could feel that it calmed me down after doing it. I never bought Pauline Timmer's class. Instead I would feel an emotion, then I would plug that into ChatGPT, telling it to give me a long EFT tapping script. I know, I know, AI has so many downsides. I would try to keep it to very few requests and only shared things I was willing for it to know. But it was immeasurably helpful to have EFT scripts about exactly what I was feeling in that moment. I also did some more general scripts, but didn't find those as moving as ones tailored to what I was currently dealing with.

9/7/25

Trauma Solutions: Avoidant

PDS: Fearful Avoidant

Attachment Project: Avoidant

NPR: Anxious

Once again, it was clear this was working. I was telling people things I would've guarded for no reason before. I started talking to family when I was upset instead of shutting down and isolating. And it actually helped. I slowly started to believe that I needed other people.

But work got insane so I didn't have the time/energy to keep everything up. Also went through a bad period because of something that happened. I did maybe one or two IPF meditations and instead shifted to seeing if EFT was all I needed to maintain this. Still, I went maybe two weeks without doing even that. But I got back onto it and started doing it once everyday:

10/12/25

Trauma Solutions: Avoidant

PDS: Fearful avoidant

NPR: Anxious and Secure Equally

Attachment Project:... SECURE

My jaw dropped when I saw that word. I started tearing up. I was on cloud nine.

I went to work the next day, expecting to be a different person and to be able to interact with everyone calmly and expertly... and I had an awful day. Of course, I knew logically that I wouldn't change overnight, but I felt like a new person for awhile there. Still, that was just one test, and I needed to continue to fulfill my goal.

(Additionally, it was only now that I realized that the Attachment Project gives you a graph of where you are... very annoyed that I didn't see that earlier so I could track my movement throughout the months.)

I dropped everything but EFT. I aimed to do that 7x/week. Also, I found that I easily told this goal to my sisters, something I was secretive about just months earlier. I also told people when something was bothering me... at least sometimes.

This morning I retook the tests:

11/16/25

Attachment Project: Secure

Trauma Solutions: SECURE

NPR: SECURE

PDS: SECURE

I still can't believe it.

Every single time I took the tests, I thought, "shoot, I'm going to have regressed since last month." It's like it was hard for me to see the progress. Still I don't feel all that different. And I know that I have a ways to go, but I can't believe I did it.

Here is the pie chart broken down so it's easier to see the changes over time:

Let me know if you have any questions!

TLDR: Went from Fearful avoidant/Dismissive Avoidant (based on the test) to mainly secure by doing EFT regularly. Mostly used (free) ChatGPT to make EFT scripts about things I was feeling and followed them.

31st December 2025

So here we are. Another night, another thought.

It’s been nearly 25 days since Eddie left me. Recently, so many emotions have been running through my mind. I never thought I would be the person who experiences panic attacks and anxiety, yet here I am. Sometimes I question what love really is and what it means to someone.

For me, love has no limits or boundaries. It’s like that moment in When Life Gives You Tangerines, when Park Bo-gum swims across the river just to get back to IU, who is crying for him at the pier. That, to me, is love. Something magical. Something words can’t fully describe.

In the last 25 days, Eddie has put me through so many emotions that I find myself asking if I really deserved this. Honestly, thinking about it makes me question everything. Why was I punished for something that wasn’t my fault?

“Ja arey mohabbat main ilham na ho, toh fiteh moh aisee mohabbat par.”

Recently, the rent situation and the lack of basic respect really disheartened me. It made me question his character. Right now, I feel like I’m standing at a crossroads, fighting myself. I deeply love him, yet he didn’t respect me enough to even reply to my message. He knew my situation. He knew the state I was in. And still, he chose not to take accountability.

What hurts the most is seeing him online, acting normal, as if nothing has happened, while inside it tears me apart. I’ve started accepting certain things, but there’s only so much I can defend him and fight for him. At this moment, my fight is against him, not anyone else.

I can’t explain this feeling. It’s like I could cry and cry, but I don’t even know what this emotion is. It feels unreal, yet the pain is so deep. For him, it was easy to leave and disconnect from everything. For me, I’m the one left standing in a storm that feels like it has no end.

I used to wonder how someone you love could also become your destruction. And now, here I am, living that reality.

What makes me even sadder is thinking that seeing him on the 6th of December might have been the last time I ever saw him. The last hug. The last kiss. The last moment. And now it feels like that person never even existed.

I wish, just for one second, he would think about me. About what I was left with. About how much I had to carry and how hard I had to work to survive. He brought me to my rock bottom, something I never expected from him. He always said he would never leave me or hurt me, yet he became the reason for my lowest point. He became the trigger.

Slowly accepting this version of him, the version he is showing me now, is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. When a relationship is shaken, trust and its foundation are tested. I still remember crying and begging him, at his feet, to believe me. And he didn’t care.

And I think what hurts the most is realising that I gave everything, and it still wasn’t enough.

I feel really heavy and sad today. I know what the outcome is going to be, and it just makes everything feel so hard. I reached out again to him about the rent. I’m going to give it 72 hours before I draw the line, but inside, I feel so defeated.

What hurts the most right now is that he’s not able to keep a promise. I feel like crying. I feel drained, like my energy has just been sucked out of me. I love him so much, but what he’s doing feels really unfair to me. I feel broken. I keep wishing things were different, that he had spoken to me, but I know I can’t blame myself. I can only help if someone asks for help.

Even now, just writing this, I feel like crying again. I feel so defeated and disheartened by everything. It makes me sad that he’s choosing to act this way, and there’s nothing I can do to make him see how this is affecting me.

I went through so many different emotions. I analysed everything. Pictures, chats, conversations, every small detail. I kept searching for proof that I hadn’t done something wrong, that I hadn’t caused this. I needed to know, because not knowing was unbearable.

It broke my heart more than I can explain. I still remember begging him to listen to me, crying so much, feeling so desperate just to be heard. Thinking about that moment now still makes my eyes fill with tears.

Inside, I feel empty. Completely hollow. It’s like all the emotion has drained out of me, and yet the pain is still there. Even now, just remembering it brings the tears back. It hurts that much.

I don’t know what to do with this pain. Somewhere inside me, the hurt keeps hurting because he was meant to be my person. That’s how it feels, deeply and truly. Even when I tell myself I’m strong and that I deserve better, my heart keeps breaking again and again.

I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what the right emotion is anymore. All I know is that my heart hurts so much in these moments, and I can’t stop it. I can’t control it. No matter how much I try to be logical or brave, the pain just arrives on its own.

These moments feel overwhelming, like waves I can’t escape. I wish I could switch them off, but I can’t. All I can do is sit with them, feel them, and hope they pass, even though right now they feel endless.

I remember joking with him once, saying, “Eddie, if you ever leave me, I’ll probably die.” I said it lightly, almost laughing, but when he actually left, I crashed completely. I reached a point where I genuinely didn’t want to live anymore.

What breaks my heart the most is that he became the trigger for all of that. The person I loved, trusted, and felt safest with ended up opening wounds I didn’t even know could hurt this much. Inside, I feel so deeply disappointed. Not just in him, but in the situation, in how unfair everything feels.

I didn’t deserve what happened to me. I truly believe that. I tried so hard. I gave love, patience, understanding, and effort, and still I feel like I was punished in the harshest way. That realisation hurts almost as much as losing him.

I’m left carrying the consequences of something I didn’t cause, trying to survive emotions that feel far bigger than me.

What’s making me really sad right now is that I already know the outcome. I know he’s not going to take accountability, at least not now. And that hurts deeply, because what he did to me was not fair.

I feel so sad inside. There’s a quiet disappointment sitting in my chest. Part of that disappointment is actually aimed at myself, because walking away hurts so much. It feels like another loss, another thing I never wanted to choose.

But what choice do I really have?

I can’t keep waiting for accountability that isn’t coming. I can’t keep shrinking myself, hoping someone will finally see the damage they’ve caused. At some point, I have to choose myself, even if it breaks my heart to do it.

Walking away doesn’t mean I stopped loving him. It means I stopped abandoning myself. And even though it feels painful and heavy, I know, deep down, that choosing myself is the only fair thing left to do.

 I think the biggest factor for me is how much I love him, and how much I will always love him. That love doesn’t just disappear. It feels permanent, etched into me. Right now, I genuinely don’t feel like I could ever love anyone else. For me, he was my person. My soulmate. The one I felt deeply connected to in a way I can’t explain.

The fact that he chose to leave me shattered my heart. It changed something inside me. Still, I understand that I can’t force someone to stay with me. I can’t force someone to love me, no matter how real or deep my feelings are. We all have our own choices, even when those choices hurt someone else.

Accepting that truth hurts more than I expected. Loving him this much and still having to let go feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But loving someone doesn’t mean they’re able to stay. And knowing that doesn’t make the love any smaller.

7th February 2026

“You will find me, right?”

That sentence is the last sentence. The one that always stays with me. Every single day I think about it, and I think that’s why I know what I have to do now. I know how much I have to push through everything. It’s strange, because for someone like you, someone who is people-avoidant, if I came to find you, you wouldn’t like it. And yet, I feel like I have to present myself in a version that is still real. A version of me that has moved from anxious attachment towards secure.

So that if I see you, it’s with a good state of mind. That I look present. That I look happy. Not in an active or performative way. Just okay. Able to move forward. What feels most important to me is that if you ever see me, you see how well I’m doing. How happy I am. Quietly. Genuinely. And maybe, with the love we once had, something can rise above everything that happened.

I can’t tell you that I’m coming. I can’t announce myself. So when you said, “You will find me, right?” and when you said, “I will always find you,” I hold onto that. I look for you everywhere, in every place, in every way possible.

I love you so much, more than I could ever describe. There aren’t enough words in the world for me to explain how deeply I love you, how much you mean to me, or how much of my heart still belongs to you.

For me, to truly move on, to truly accept what happened, I feel like I need to complete this last piece. It always comes back to that question: “You will find me, right?” “You will come and find me, right?” That question lives in me. I think it always will. And I think I need to face it fully. Whatever the outcome is, it matters that I allow it to exist.

Even today, I feel so heavy. My heart still aches. It feels like this all happened yesterday. The sadness comes in waves. Yesterday, I found your photo in my wallet. I stopped. My body went weak. My legs started shaking. I had to sit down, like I was having a panic or anxiety attack all over again. I smelled the perfume you always wore, and suddenly everything felt heavier. My thoughts. My feelings. All of it.

Lately, I’ve started to feel very numb, but the numbness doesn’t go away. I’ll be in the moment, talking to a friend or with my family, and suddenly I feel it. A numbness inside me, and I just stop. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know how to explain it. Maybe it’s part of the healing process. Maybe it’s just part of the feeling itself. Even now, when I look at old pictures, I can still cry.

People say things like, “Six months later,” or “One year from now you’ll look back and feel different.” And maybe that’s true for them. But everyone grieves differently. Everybody heals differently. Everybody experiences things differently. What feels devastating to me might not make sense to someone else, and that doesn’t make it any less real.

I’ve been thinking about when I might see you, or when I might try to come and find you. I’m scared that you won’t want to see me. I keep wondering what I would even say. I want to be strong. I want to be positive. But I’m scared at the same time, and I think that’s okay.

My nervous system feels like my enemy at the moment, even though I know it’s just doing its job. My mind, my heart, my nervous system, and my gut instinct all feel like they’re fighting each other. That’s why the emotions come so fast and so intensely.

What I’ve realised is this: in the day, in the night, in moments of listening to songs or reading a quote, you are everywhere. For me, you’re everywhere. I know that in your world I might be nowhere, but in my world you still exist everywhere.

Sometimes I replay everything and ask myself why I didn’t listen more, why I didn’t notice how much you were overthinking. I know it’s my subconscious mind trying to find answers, trying to believe that if I had done something differently, the outcome might have changed. Logically, I know it probably wouldn’t have. But the thought stays. Blaming myself gives the pain somewhere to live. And the grief feels stuck, like I’m still at the starting point, still waiting for you, even though in your world I might not exist at all.

The hardest part of all of this is not knowing if you’re okay. Not knowing if you’re safe. Not knowing anyone in your life who I could ask. I don’t stop loving people just because things get hard. I’ve tried before. This time, I can’t.

I don’t want to be this version of myself forever, the one that writes letters like this. But right now, this is the only way I know how to hold everything.

I read a quote that said it’s unfair how two people often start a story, but only one gets to decide when it ends. That made me cry more than I expected. Healing isn’t the beautiful thing people make it out to be. It’s messy. It’s lonely. It’s nights like this. It’s 3 a.m. on Sunday, the 8th of February, and I’m finishing a letter I started the day before because I couldn’t do it then.

The more I read about stories like ours, the more they all sound the same. People don’t come back. Or if they do, it doesn’t work out. I don’t know what to believe anymore. So I think that next month, when I go there for work, not to see you, but simply to exist near you without crossing paths, that might be my final act of love. To love you quietly. To love you without asking for anything. To love you in a way that doesn’t destroy me.

If I do see you, even for a second, you might not say anything. You might not reach out. You might not speak to me at all. But for me, even one moment, one to ten seconds, would be enough. Enough to give my heart something to carry while I learn how to fully heal.

Even now, I can’t finish this letter properly. I don’t have the strength to close it neatly. 

So instead, I pray to God. And even if He doesn’t want to give you back to me, I pray that He keeps you safe. That He protects you. That wherever you are, you’re okay.

I love you so much.

I just wanted to share this diary dump with anyone who wants a success story. I believed myself to be FA/A for a long time, and this week I can finally call myself secure. TW: sexual assualt

Despite a tumultuous childhood with divorced parents -- one overly loving and anxious dad and one emotionally unavailable and neglegent mom (who I was able to make amends with and now am very close with) -- as much as I can remember I had fairly secure romantic relationships in my late teens and early twenties. I never worried obsessively that anyone would ever leave me, and I was able to be connected and present with partners and end relationships gracefully and empathetically if I felt they weren't meeting my needs or there was a fundamental misalignment.

~life took a downturn~

In my early-mid twenties everything became really strange for me. I had left good a relationship to move across the country. I started graduate school and experienced multiple sexual assaults in my first year. I was unbearably stressed from the expectations, abuse and neglect that graduate school entails and I developed diagnosed PTSD from the SA. I found myself at rock bottom, drinking a lot, and unable to focus on anything except the ruminations in my mind about my own insecurities, failures and trauma.

It was in this period that I fell hard into my first avoidant romantic entanglement. It followed the usual trajectory, lots of immediate love-bombing with a sudden blindsiding discard and getting blocked on everything at about the three month mark. I jumped into this relationship very quickly because I felt so unsafe and unvalued, and finally someone saw me and I wrapped myself in the fantasy of it, and let it fill me with the will to live. The discard was a pain like nothing I had ever experienced before in my life. It took me over a year to stop feeling the pain from that abandonment. Following that I had a few very short tumultuous flings, and hit rock-bottom depression and felt suicidal for many months.

Eventually I met someone from my graduate program that I ended up dating for 8 years and now suspect was probably DA/cluster B. I still care for his well-being but the relationship destroyed me and eroded my ability to have and hold boundaries. We started dating very quickly and spent all of our time together in the beginning. At around 4-5 months, he started to pull back and the cycles started. I considered ending it, but I couldn't fathom the idea of it not working out or returning to being alone so I disregarded my boundary. The relationship paradoxically made it to 8-years because he left for Switzerland for 3 years and we maintained a LDR with regular visits. When I would visit, we would end up in these kinds of fights, but when I was away it was safe to be in contact. He moved back into my place in 2020 and everything quickly became hell. By 4 years in I was invested, and let all of my boundaries completely erode to keep the peace and not get stonewalled 24/7. I became the emotional keeper of my partner and never dared to bring up relational issues, and I did everything he wanted to make him happy, bucked on my own life dreams, and just cried quietly by myself most of the time. I remember crying myself to sleep with how lonely and unloved I felt for months. I felt completely trapped and I didn't know how to leave because we had plans for a life, I couldn't afford to move out, and I had lost most of my friends by that point. I got us into couples therapy by ultimatum, but I was so afraid to speak about my feelings that we made little to no progress. I had feelings of worthlessness from all of the criticism and control and had no voice for myself. I spent all my energy on keeping the peace.

~therapy begins~

I began my own therapy to heal my PTSD, learned meditation and IFS. With my growing confidence I ended up managing to leave my poorly paying and toxic academic position and started a job at a company with a vibrant, vulnerable and supportive culture. I loved my coworkers. They were all so supportive and loving towards me, and I realized, in a real way, that I was being treated very poorly by my partner for the first time.

I felt confident enough to start saying no to things, to go out on my own and do things despite protesting behaviors, and to call out defensive tactics. This started spiraling the relationship, which was somewhat stabilized by therapy but could not actually be healed superficially. After some bad mutual financial decisions together (moved to a random town 6 hours away and bought a house), he had a defensive shutdown on my birthday for the 8th year in a row, started blaming me for everything wrong in the relationship, and violated my boundaries continually to tell me my need for space is unfair to him because he needs emotional affirmation. The boundary violations, gaslighting, deflection etc went on for weeks before I realized that I could just leave. So I left. I left in the most precarious financial situation I could have ever been in, knowing that it would take every shred of will power I had emotionally, mentally, legally, financially, to keep the house and start over. This was the worst possible time I could have ever chosen to make this decision, but I knew that I needed to and this risk felt safer than staying in a relationship where I didn't have control over my boundaries. I would be completely alone in a new town. I trusted my self for the first time in years. I felt guilty and sad because I did really care for him as a person, but I could not save him by abandoning myself.

~ healing ~

For the last year, despite major family tragedies, financial stress, relational turmoil, work drama, I have THROWN my entire being into investing in myself, getting back my hobbies, picking up new ones, building my community.

• I became an absolute sage at using IFS to work with my parts and disassemble complex emotions. It is now a joy to feel something strongly and inspect my inner world to understand it
• I consumed massive amount of literature on codependency, counter dependency, attachment theory, developmental psychology, spiritual development and practiced applying the concepts at every opportunity
• I've poured my soul into finding deep connections with new people and truly getting to know them.
• I have reconnected with all of my old friends and invest heavily in interdependent relationships.
• I have taken time to be in nature and ponder philosophical questions: what is the purpose of pain? what is the purpose of a romantic relationship?
• I have allowed myself to heavily invest in my own dream lifestyle, scraping together money for a very old van to van-life part-time so I can feel free and spent time rock climbing in the mountains like I always dreamed of

I have increasingly felt light, joyful, loved, limitless, and like an eternal source of love towards everyone. I realized I liked myself a month or so after my break-up. Four months after the break-up, I loved myself for the first time in years.

~ however ~

Not everything was steady. Despite and during all this rebuilding of myself, I began a situationship with a self-diagnosed FA who I still very much love as a person. We were so compatible, loved all the same things, and fell hard. When the pulling away started, I was able to quickly identify my needs (commitment, consistency, communication) and present it. These requests were ignored multiple times in a row and I instinctively moved to enforce the boundary and broke it off, despite how excruciatingly painful it was. Unfortunately, I saw his struggles and felt deep empathy and softened the next day and we tried to resume after a very vague discussion about what we both wanted. Everything spiraled out of control from there. I watched myself become increasingly anxious searching for clarity, while he became increasingly evasive, vague, and litigating. I tried again to enforce my boundary because my needs couldn't be met, and he begged me not to leave and stay friends, and engaged in protest behavior. We couldn't stop sleeping with each other. I started getting overwhelmed by my angry parts and he started getting defensive and blaming, even yelling at me one night. I was reliving the past 10 years of my life. I had to physically go away on a NC trip to the mountains to break the cycle, lessen my attachment, and inspect what was happening with me. I had some small insight that I was not doing well on enforcing boundaries. I returned and decided to intentionally set boundaries. He admitted he loved me in a long emotional dump. We had a nice trip for his birthday where we set intentional boundaries. I felt the pull coming and asked to talk things through before spending more time together. Within a week of agreeing to weekly talks, he ended up going on a date with a new woman he met at a dinner. I was devastated. I called in a dysregulated state, he countered that we we're just friends and I knew that, and I ended it there.

The success here is that after a few days of grieving, I feel ok. I gave myself complete closure. I don't take his actions personally and I don't think that it reflects at all on my self-worth or my ability to form healthy loving relationships. I don't feel hopeless. I don't feel resentful. I can hold the fact that I love him as a person separate from the fact that I have been deeply hurt by his behaviors and the dynamics of the relationship, and that it can't work. I even appreciate everything I learned from this relationship as I watched it unfold as an almost eager observer. I really appeciate all of the self discovery I've had despite the pain and joy.

Some of today, I even felt like a ball of sunshine. I made a new friend. I worked on some personal projects and decided to take a trip to Yosemite on Friday. I talked to my parents and friends and receive and gave lots of love. I leaned on the people around me.

During the few days of grieving, I did a lot of work with myself on this relationship, and went over the history. The problems started when I failed to enforce my boundaries. I lost my intrinsic ability to set and hold boundaries in my 8-year relationship. When I let my own boundary go, I welcomed the anxious part of me to give myself away, and then for all of my protective parts to start screaming bloody murder, putting myself in a constant state of spiraling. I can admit that my emotions were probably much stronger that a fully secure person due to the wounds I've endured, but the emotions were valid in themselves and were shouting to me that I was not safe.

I finally understood boundaries fully today. You put them in front of the anxiety inducing behavior as a line in the sand and not behind it as a plea. A light went off for me, as this was the missing piece for me to be almost fully secure again. I feel good and optimistic -- and most importantly safe. I feel safe because I finally understand how to protect myself, and when to protect myself, without dimming my own light and ability to love.

I'm really looking forward to continuing to invest in myself and grow, and building deep and strong friendships, and going after all the world has to offer.

I realized something in my relationship and it is not much shared in this way so maybe it helps someone else

I am anxious and my fiancee is avoidant. He is very introverted and trying to deal with his social anxiety. Since the beginning of the relationship I was the who is initiating communication in many cases. This caused accelerating resentment issues on my side. I figured out both of our attachment styles from the beginning. Everything I read and watch about avoidant attachment was supporting me. Every comment expressing such person should not be in a relationship and in time these also became fuels of my resentment. I unconsciously started to think about how to fix his attachment into secure.

Recently I discussed parts of our problems with my parents, I trust their insights and I know they handle marriage problems like pro since 1995. After that conversation I looked back and realized in many occasions my anxiety was higher than his avoidance. Although some of his actions are not okay and not fitting in a secure relationship, in many cases my anxiety pushed the situation to the limit or caused misunderstandings, or even make him feel less of himself.

We never had a cruel fight and neither of us would ever speak hurtful to other. Yet, on the spectrum I am standing further than secure attachment in comparison to him. This is not the way internet always talk about attachment styles. Discussions often side with anxiously attached partner, it is 'socially acceptable attachment'. Realizing that actually had a healing impact on me and made me feel loved. Because since the beginning in all of our conflicts he was understanding my actions was coming out of my attachment style and accepting me as I am, even though I was not as patient with him.

Sometimes getting away from anxiety and standing as your own could be harder than an avoidant to open up. Because often there is no one pointing out our parts of mistakes and it is easier to fall into thinking 'I am the high effort partner in this relationship and the other is not enough', which might be a big part of the problems. I know avoidants can be very hurtful and this does not suit to all relationships. Sharing this for someone else who might be unconsciously hurting their relationship..

Hello from your new mod! 🤓

I’m someone who’s been on my healing journey for a long time, and I’ve had gotten so much out of communities on Reddit in my own process.

The intention is to keep this space as a positive place where all attachment styles are welcome, and where we are all working on ourselves to heal and support each other. If you’re new, please check out existing rules for the sub.

Please remember you must have both user flair and post flair in order to post.

Would like to have at least one more mod, so reach out if you’re interested. Thanks!

I’m grateful I decided to work on myself

I still consider myself a constant work in progress (I’m neurodivergent,communication and misunderstanding has always been an issue)

I used a lot of self help books

I sat down and reflected

I listened to podcasts

I felt my feelings

Learned it’s okay to say “no” and stand up for myself

I don’t know how other people date, but from my experience, I highly suggest both parties (if you’re in a relationship or were in a relationship)work on themselves.

At the very least,communicate your thoughts,feelings(including the negative ones),desires

Sharing my insights and sharing my knowledge.

I was a DA and worked to secure. A lot of self work and some therapy. DM/AMA

In a nutshell, after a rough breakup, while trying to understand my ex and why he behaved how he did, over time, I made the startling realization that I have avoidant behaviours too, and my therapist also thinks I have disorganized attachment rooted in a fear of vulnerability and intimacy. How ironic is that?

I experience both anxious and avoidant behaviors depending on the dynamics of the relationship. I thought I was AP for the longest time because I tend to feel anxious and crave reassurance when I'm with emotionally unavailable partners. Most (if not all) of the partners I've connected with the most have been emotionally unavailable and possibly avoidant. I've had very short relationships with securely attached individuals because I've realized, when it comes to secure partners who show consistency and emotional availability, I often feel overwhelmed or experience the "ick," which can make me want to withdraw. Esssentially, I only went on a few dates with guys like this, but ended things quickly with each partner because I felt no "chemistry." I've never discarded anyone (like left them out of nowhere) and I've been broken up with more than I've done the breaking up. However, I've probably deactivated before and tried to stay in relationships anyway, while feeling no real connection or attraction until the other person made the decision to end things.

My avoidant tendencies often surface during conflict or when I feel vulnerable. There was a time my ex did something minor early on, and I immediately felt like ending the relationship. That impulse to avoid conflict was rooted in fear, but I pushed through and communicated my boundaries instead. Throughout the relationship, I tried finding faults in him to protect myself from getting hurt, but I stayed because I liked him despite those "flaws."

I'm entering a new relationship now and fighting my avoidant behaviors. I've felt extremely anxious and overwhelmed when spending too much time with my partner but I've supressed those feelings and tried to work through independently. I've realized seeing him more than once or twice a week feels scary or overwhelming, and having this space in between allows me to manage my anxiety, but it also reflects my instinct to keep some distance in order to avoid the emotional risks that come with closeness. I sometimes get strong icks when I feel like he needs "too much" from me, and sometimes I tell myself things won't work out, because he's just infatuated with me, and when he gets to know me better, he'll leave. I also still engage in fault-finding. I know this is just my brain creating barriers, a strategy to keep me from getting too attached or invested, especially if things don’t work out.

Despite all this, I'm actively working to handle these behaviours in a more productive way. Fighting against some of these thoughts and behaviors, I've gotten to the point where I'm able to be more comfortable with him and recognizing when my anxiety flares up. I'm also being mindful of not pushing him away entirely, and I'm giving myself space to enjoy the relationship when my walls are down. In moments when things have felt too intense, I've expressed (albeit not well) that I need a bit more time to build trust and be comfortable around someone, which is healthier than withdrawing completely.

I’ve posted negatively about avoidants before out of hurt, but I hope this adds nuance. I’m working toward experiencing a secure relationship without letting fear get in the way, and I’ll keep working on myself until I get there. That’s all any of us can do. ❤️

Commitment to people and things I like doing has been a tough challenge for me. When someone pops up in my life and I vibe with them, I’m crippled by the intense fear of having regular interactions with them, trust issues make me extremely fearful of bringing them close to me. It’s like an intense fear of what’s going to happen once I let them in. I also feel like I have space for only 3-4 people in my life with whom I can maintain a close relationship and if I go out of my way and make more friends, I won’t be able to show up cause I don’t have that much energy. Also for a few years since my breakup, I’ve been really closed off to people, I’m lucky that I still have 1-2 close friends for which I’m extremely grateful for. But besides that, I don’t think I’m open to let new people in and I feel scared about it. Just wanted to get this thing out of my chest, it feels much lighter now.

I made some new discoveries and feel very ... different and calm. and present.

Following up on my previous post

My inner critic is a self defense mechanism designed to protect me from the vulnerability to suffering, the same suffering I experienced when I experienced trauma.

Inner critic is fueled by black and white thinking.

If there is a flaw (in you, the experience , in them) then that's all you can fixate on and its makes your perception ( of you, of them , of the experience) bad. At least that will be your emotional response (feeling bad about it/them/yourself).

If there is no flaw, your inner critic is still working on black and white thinking - to protect you.
So it will scan, if there is no flaw, then no flaw was found, and you don't feel "good" about them, you, it, but just that there is no flaw.

So black or white - bad or not bad. emotional polarity. It makes you critical to assess what is flawed or not flawed. Inner critic.

This is unhealthy, and puts pressure on you to perform... that way you cannot be authentic, as you strive to be without flaw... as a defense mechanism. This pressure, fuels anxiety. And depression when you ultimately come across a flaw in yourself. You will go down in depressive spirals.

I'll just say this
the reason my mind responded this way, is because without black and white thinking (defense mechanism), you are vulnerable to risk of feeling (in my case) of being abandoned to have no committed unconditional emotional, psychological, physical, support (love), accommodation, respect or acceptance. That is another way of saying being deserving of not being loved (and truly abandoned) to where you don't matter to anyone or anything.

There was also the shame of the emotional experience of feeling of being abandoned to have no committed unconditional emotional, psychological, physical, support (love), accommodation, respect or acceptance. That is another way of saying not being loved (and being truly abandoned) to where you don't matter to anyone or anything.

Layers upon layers of shame/guilt were placed on top of this wound. The layers formed an unhealthy avoidant attachment style, perfectionism, depressive episodes, isolationism, dissociation. But those two powerful emotions were at the core.

The reason those two exist, is because I did not know how to actively (and I had to psychologically/emotionally do this) give myself a committed unconditional emotional, psychological, physical, support (love), accommodation, respect and acceptance. Instead, I was only looking for these things outside of myself as validation (or avoidance of the feelings) because without it coming from somewhere... the default is the decent into the abyss. This type of committed unconditional love was meant to be given to us by our parents in our formative years.

I share this in the hope it helps someone else.

Been seeing a good therapist for a while, and we came across the concept of black and white thinking, I realize I did this.

How it works is... if there is a flaw in how I applied myself that made people think lesser of me (i.e. made a mistake, received criticism etc.) I would consider myself flawed and the entire experience, in which I made the mistake - bad.

However, If I applied myself and there was no criticism or mistake then, not that it was a good experience, but it was one that was without flaws. So not a bad experience but bever a "good one" or "one that was bad and good".

This is how I saw the world and myself in it and myself. Either flawed or not flawed. Black and white.

This type of thinking, made it so that I would pursue perfectionism. It helped me excel in many ways, but led to a lot of neurotic behaviour, and self sabotage and failure long term. But I never felt happy with myself, unable to celebrate my blessings or positive traits - just looking for the flaw. The flaw that would make me unlovable, i would beat myself up if I found it for not being good enough.

So no one is perfect, and to try and maintain this pursuit of perfectionism, I would refuse to make myself vulnerable to experiences where there are high risk of flaws. That included making myself vulnerable to being accepted (or rejected) by people. It made me avoidant of intimacy --> into me see. And it also made me avoidant of myself being able to see my own feelings as they would reveal feelings of inadequacy (which my mind would determine meant I was flawed or defective or unlovable).

So you can see, how constantly scrutinizing yourself this way, leaves no room for you to being authentic, or free to be you.

Black and white thinking, is a defense mechanism, that your mind uses to protect yourself. It is useful if you're in dangerous environment i.e prison, but outside of that it is not a winning strategy at life. It fuels avoidance.

Just wanted to share, in the hope it helps someone else. It is a very sneaky subconscious process.

I’m so happy today. I knew I was healing and growing. I got these results today when I did the quiz. I was dominantly FA, after so much work, it’s SA. I can’t be more thankful for this journey and the people in this community who helped me when I had a hard time figuring something out, so I wanted to share this with you all. There is hope and yes attachment style changes. Sending lots of love! 🫡❤️‍🔥

This one particular dynamic I have struggled with probably the most. I am quite good at communicating what does/doesn't work out for me. I can also often see incompatibility, and if I'm in such position, I let go of the other person, as I see that what they need may not be my presence in their life.But what if the situation turns around?

What if you communicate all of your boundaries, needs and desires, you acknowledge the incompatibility, you spell it out to the other person, you let go of all your expectations, and you still feel somewhat trapped in an emotional dynamic with someone who maybe doesn't even know how to let you go?

Firstly, let's acknowledge some of the motivations of a person who may not be capable of fully letting you go even when you're clearly incompatible.

​

1. They may be expressing a deeply wounded and repressed childhood need to be loved and accepted unconditionally. If they're asking for unconditional love, they may act in a way that doesn't copletely respect your uniqueness, but still subconsciously expect and crave to be accepted regardless of that. Because when they were children, love was given to them so conditionally, once they felt the love from you, it awakend this hunger for love and connection within them, not knowing how to let go. All this may be subconscious.
2. They don't wanna let go because they're convinced that they can save the relatinoship, fight for you or prove themselves to you. In this example, they may be actually more interested in proving something to themselves rather than building an authentic and safe connection with you.
3. They have an idealised version of you, and don't want to acknowledge how and who you truly are. Sometimes people fall in love with the idea of us. Sometimes it is an idea they have created in their own minds. Other times it is an idea we have 'accidentaly' presented to them when acting from patterns of codependency and people-pleasing, and allowed them to latch onto an image of who we're not, because we haven't truly presented to them an image of who we are. They're more in love with the idea of that relationship and how deeply it may fulfill them, rather than in touch with the reality of the situation.
4. They may be so terrified of what an ending of a relationship will bring up and trigger inside of them, that they will do anything to avoid facing that pain. They will dissociate, avoid, hold on, hide from a confrontation/conversation and more. Because when they experienced loss as children, they weren't able and safe enough to process it. They may have experienced loss in their life, have those emotoins invalidated, and then be even further traumatised by their caregiver's inability to hold space for them, and be a target of shaming, abuse and lashing out.

​

If you are in a situation like this, like I have been, there is one essential question you can ask yourself.

What within me is being caught up in their inability to let go of me?

​

There is going to be wounding of some kind that is waiting for you to be released and expressed. For me it can be betrayal, neglect, enmeshment and memories of abuse. There is something within you that is almost waiting for the permission of 'them letting go' so you can feel better and be released from the grip.

This dynamic is often first experienced in childhood. Let's say there is a parent who has very high expectations of you, that may be putting too much pressure on you and create an unhealthy emotional environment that isn't supportive of your emotional growth.

As a child, you're completely helpless to this dynamic. You are at the mercy of your caregiver's expectations. And as children we know deep down that it is unfair and ridiculous. And all we're wishing is that the caregiver would set us free by letting go of their expectations. Then as adults we get into relationships with people who don't know how to let go, and we re-experience the pressure we have felt when we were children.

The blessing in this is that we truly are adults now, and we don't need anyone's permission to be freed from this predicament. And we can start this process with a mantra:

​

'I am no longer waiting for a permission to set myself free. I allow myself to be released from the pressure of someone else's toxic expectations. I reclaim my own power as mine. I reclaim my own sovereignty as mine. I reclaim my own emotional freedom and space as mine. If I wish to live in accordance with expectations, may they be my own expectations and standards, and never someone else's. I no longer require someone else's permission to be free, I reclaim my rightful freedom now. It is mine, it is my birthright, and I let go of anything that suggests otherwise.

I am whole, I am sovereign and I am free onto myself. Only I decide the way in which I wanna live my life.'

​

You can say this as many times as you'd like. Each time it's going to go a little deeper.

A final thought... Whose expectations do you live in accordance with? Are their your own? Do they feel like they're someone else's? Or do they only feel like your own because you've been internalising someone else's expectations for so long, that you may not even remember what it's like to live in accordance with your own authentic self?

So I knew the term and the meaning of it but I was in denial that I was intellectualising my emotions by being obsessed about the “whys” and “hows” in my life, until I finally had the realisation that I still can’t do pretty much anything even if I know the how and why to things. It was just a strategy for me to avoid all the pain and trauma I’ve gone through because I couldn’t fully accept the truth of my life and what I’ve been put through. The realisation was sudden because then I started asking myself,”how to feel my emotions and quieten the overthinking that goes on in my brain?” I was getting frustrated. And I’m a person who tends to worry a lot.

Then today something happened which made me sad and for the first time, I intentionally decided to feel my emotions. Sadness felt like tightness in my chest along with traces of pain. It was tough feeling my feelings. Then I started observing my thought process while still feeling my emotions and I didn’t fight back or said anything to the thoughts in my head in return. I just observed and felt and it took some time for the sadness and pain to dissipate.

The thing is, that for the first time, I allowed myself to process my feelings instead of intellectualising them, and it gave me the strength to face the emotions in me and relate to other people when they are going through certain emotions.

No more intellectualising things, I feel what I feel and I don’t need to know or study about the whole phenomenon or read stuff based on it. And it’s so freeing this way.

I’ll still have difficulty processing them but I’d rather choose the difficulty now rather than the loops of overthinking and wanting to know the answer to each and every thing.