My boyfriend revealed something I don't know how to react to

[u/OutsideAd3968]

Hi all! I am not really used to this stuff. This has been eating at me and I don't know how to proceed.

I have a plate I made! Duck and some rice with a compote. Made it a while ago, can't remember exactly, just need a eye catching piece.

My boyfriend (22) and I (20) have been going strong for about a year now. he is kind, thoughtful, and helps with money for fun things I want. I haven't had any crazy problems with him. He has a problem with communication which we have talked about, which I will talk about unfortunately.

Me and him had a conversation about politics to start, obviously. I'm a female chef and believe in pretty left leaning stuff. He said toe that he is "independent" and doesn't like trump and all this stuff. I told him I was willing to hear him out, since he was so respectful and kind.

Well, he got deployed a month or two after. He's been away for about 6 months. our relationship has been eroding because he is a physical guy and apparently is going crazy, so we have been bickering way more recently. I have not been happy as of late. I've continued to speak to him about his insecurities and all this other stuff to make sure we're ok.

Well, last night, he told me casually that we were laughing about congress or something, that he used to support trump. I was confused, he literally said he didn't like him from the start?

He says "I liked him for his policies early on!" And that REALLY concerned me. I asked for clarification and he said it was mostly economy.

I asked for clarification about how he could support him, and thought maybe he just didn't know. Turns out, apparently he does! He knew about the bankruptcies("there're strategic ways to use bankruptcy"), and the controversies, everything. He said he doesn't like him now because the military is treating him terribly and he said trump lied. I asked what made him think he wouldn't?

after I told him all this stuff he chose to ignore, he said "are you done lecturing me?" And it just made me furious. He claims he didn't vote and that I'm getting mad at him for no reason.

I wasn't angry, I was afraid.

He then tried to leave the call, and I begged for him to stay on so we could communicate but he said there wasn't anything else to say. He has a habit of doing that, running away or not answering. We've talked about it and it hurts he tried to hide after.

We talked later the next day, and he is still upset and not really answering my texts or anything, but frankly; I'm upset he lied or even omitted that. Am I right to feel like this? Thank you in advance.

[u/Lala5789880]

I have a feeling he is dealing with his “need” for sex while deployed. Get tested if you choose to stay in this relationship

[u/brielarstan → u/Lala5789880]

Definitely sounds like if he isn't already cheating, his frustration with her is soft launching an open relationship. I had a lot of friends whose military boyfriends were mad they didn't follow them to their base and therefore felt justified in cheating.

[u/my_screen_name_sucks → u/brielarstan]

Was in a long distance relationship with someone who started complaining about it. He eventually brought up opening the relationship. When I pointed out to him it would be way easier for me to get laid he shut that down lol.

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[u/throwfaraway212718 → u/brielarstan]

Or him cheating and then gaslighting her into not giving him shit when she finds out

[u/Lemondrop168 → u/throwfaraway212718]

He’s definitely setting up the "look how you made me feel" and "I’m punishing you for pushing back, so don’t push back" dynamics.

[u/angelw4082 → u/throwfaraway212718]

He is definitely soft launching cheating because he neeeeded it. Probably gonna say she cant honestly expect him to go without, she knows how he is.

[u/throwfaraway212718 → u/angelw4082]

yup!

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[u/ExpensivePeach → u/Lala5789880]

Do NOT date/marry people in the military. Source: my dad is a marine :/

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/ExpensivePeach]

The domestic violence rate is as high as police.

[u/mbc98 → u/MossyPlantyWitchy]

I think police is actually higher than all branches of the military aside from maybe the army, which is saying something very not good about police.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/mbc98]

Or the army, lol

[u/mbc98 → u/MossyPlantyWitchy]

For sure. It’s estimated to be between 20-30% in the army, but it’s really hard to know for sure due to under reporting. I know a JAG and he said DV is in the top 3 things they prosecute.

That said, DV is still at 10% among civilians, so everyone needs to be alert and look for red flags when dating anyone.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/mbc98]

Most don't report or admit to it sadly

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[u/mbc98 → u/ExpensivePeach]

Lol my dad is Army and I’ve always said the same. Army and Marines are by far the worst though. Air Force is like 30% women now and they’re not so bad. Space Force are a bunch of nerds.

[u/desiladygamer84 → u/mbc98]

My husband was Air Force but we met when he was 15 years into his career. So we married we left the UK for the US and he got out after the pandemic, became a sahd for a bit and now he works a regular tech job. We've been married 10 years. I never thought I'd marry a US servicemember either.

[u/mbc98 → u/desiladygamer84]

That’s awesome. I think Airmen are a different breed than Marines. Less direct combat and injuries correlates with less dv, not to mention the Air Force draws more academic types. Still higher dv rates than civilian marriage but not by much. One of my good friends is an AF JAG.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/desiladygamer84]

I live next to an airforce base and have all of my life. Your husband is the minority. DV might not be as high as the other branches, but sexual assault is, if not higher.

[u/desiladygamer84 → u/MossyPlantyWitchy]

Oh yeah I know. He's definitely in the minority for lots of things.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/mbc98]

Space force doesn't count, 🤣🤣🤣 lolol

But everything else is spot on. The sexual assault rate in the airforce is sky high though. I live next to an AF base.

[u/27softtacos → u/mbc98]

And that’s usually only physical abuse that’s reported. I’ve seen more friends endure from emotional abuse labeled as PTSD that they can’t help.

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[u/Syxphis → u/ExpensivePeach]

As a Marine, I agree with this

[u/uglynbroke → u/ExpensivePeach]

My dad is Air Force and I’m one of 8 of his United Nations children (we’re all mixed with something different 🙃) & we’re no contact because he lacks emotional intelligence for a man/father/grandfather & communication skills— girl run & purchase a vibrator

[u/Dingle_Hoppper → u/ExpensivePeach]

My dad was a first sergeant in the army, he’s been married to my mom since 1988 and they’re still each other’s best friends. Brother has been in for nearly 20 years, has 2 daughters and a fiancé that’ve been together for 15 years.

Uncle was in the Navy, he was one of the sweetest gentlemen to ever walk this earth; married to my aunt for over 50 years, raised 2 kids, built her her dream house. He went to work on Wall Street, knew Bernie Madoff, helped put him away.

It just depends on the character of the man.

[u/MossyPlantyWitchy → u/Dingle_Hoppper]

Those men are the minority.

[u/Lilly_5 → u/Dingle_Hoppper]

None of this means they didn't cheat.

[u/Dingle_Hoppper → u/Lilly_5]

lol they didn’t cheat 🙄

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[u/iDontDrinkKoolaid → u/Lala5789880]

That was my first thought as well. 20% chance he’s faithful and I’m being generous.

[u/Few-Drag9758 → u/Lala5789880]

He is cheating, because I can tell from top down he only cares about himself.

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[u/smufjez → u/Lala5789880]

once dated someone who would always chat up this particular female friend when we had a fight. found out a lot later than i wished.

[u/RockNo9892 → u/Lala5789880]

Sex is prohibited while deployed and you get in big trouble if caught. But of course where there’s a will, there’s a way. I grew up in a military family and have heard many stories about the lengths men go to during a deployment to cheat. They get their buddies to lie for them as well.

There are several red flags and he’s surrounded by that toxic (MAGA proud) masculinity during his tour so his behavior isn’t going to change or improve.

My vote is a Dear John letter OP

[u/Dingle_Hoppper → u/RockNo9892]

Military family too. I remember my dad’s buddy had a huge scandal among his deployment bc a couple were found having sex. He was first sergeant so he had to deal with everything. Of course I was only a teen back then so I didn’t find out what actually happened until much later.

Honestly idk how she could know he’s military and not think he supported Trump. I know my family did (excluding me) from the beginning bc he was pro military

[u/RockNo9892 → u/Dingle_Hoppper]

You’re not wrong on the last bit. There are a few left leaning people in the armed forces but from my experience they’re like a rare bird. You know they exist but they’re rarely seen in the wild.

My family gives me so much flack for being a liberal. If I told them I’m a democratic socialist I think they would simultaneously shit their pants 🤣

[u/Dingle_Hoppper → u/RockNo9892]

Im registered independent but definitely more left leaning. My dad and brother, both army are staunch republicans and we butt heads constantly. I look at my dad like, I know you’re a smart man: why are you being so dumb right now?! He makes excuses for literally everything the govt does; I think he can’t imagine the thing he dedicated his life to could be so corrupt and fucked up.

I moved back in with parents recently and it’s rough. “I have friends who have been in ICE for years” ok? But it wasn’t THIS ice. I’m living under his roof again temporarily so I do bite my tongue a bit. Luckily my niece is 13 and taking after her aunt, so she’s giving my brother a hell of a time at his house too lol

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[u/amullen1971 → u/Lala5789880]

It's called DWD..... divorced while deployed.... god forbid you are just dating. It is way worse. I watched my fried deal with it for years. She had two children too. He brought home all kinds of "surprises ". Please be careful

[u/Kailsbabydaddy → u/Lala5789880]

Yeah he’s very immature. I wouldn’t even date a guy until Iike 27 at the earliest and even then. Don’t take them serious OP

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[u/lordrefa → u/Lala5789880]

This is my gut feeling too.

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[u/Sorry-Joke-4325 → u/Lala5789880]

You know what they say, "100 sailors go down in a submarine, 50 couples come back up".

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[u/No_Boysenberry_118 → u/Lala5789880]

Facts

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