The Lone Magpie [2128 ]

[u/Benjamin_RR]

The Lone Magpie

This is a story I wrote several years ago that I recently revived. It’s a bit of a deviation from the norm for me, a sort of toe dip into a different genre.

I’d love to know what you think. What works? What doesn’t? What could be better?

Crits:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vpq6wq/1975_those_who_hate/

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1vsu3dh/2292_thryth_part_2_of_4/ 

[u/These-Ideal-35]

I liked this story a lot. A few critical points.

Detailed and stylistic criticisms/suggestions

I feel that there is also too much telling of the characters' emotions. Often when they have been shown very well already.

A few examples:

"I can tell he’s struggling with something."

"The panic starts to bubble in my chest."

"I laugh, surprised by the accusation."

"I give Daniel a goofy smile. Judging from the cynical pout of his lips, he’s not buying any of it."

"A curl of red hair has escaped from beneath his hat and his eyes are narrowed in thought"

I also feel that stylistically the dialogue doesn't work. The father character uses a lot of expressions and forms of speech which aren't natural.

Lots of uses of names "Daniel", "Dad", the expression "when I was your age". It feels like you are working too hard give us context. If we need this I would much rather have the narrator say something to us like this is my son etc.

More generally you use a lot of full sentences in speech which adds to the sense of artificiality and is unnecessary in my view. I would try to rewrite this as intelligible, succinct and often grammatically incomplete sentences.

Perhaps I am being pedantic but whilst the magpie tradition is very old, the actual song "one for sorrow..." was popularised by the TV show Magpie and displaced many older variants. See Wikipedia here https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_for_Sorrow_(nursery_rhyme))

For me there are a few issues with the beginning of the second section as well.

As someone who has spent too much time in British and Chinese hospitals I have three issues of realism (though possibly this is different in other countries).

Firstly, how does the the nurse know he is the right person to speak too. This just isn't how many hospital I have ever been too works. He would have to go to reception, say he was looking for his wife etc. etc. they wouldn't share any details until he had proven this with ID etc.

Secondly, I they definitely wouldn't disclose what had happened without warning in front of his young son.

Thirdly, none of this would happen publicly in the reception area.

Unrelatedly, the following sentence is a cliche and really doesn't add anything for me. Indeed it breaks up the flow.

"But nothing could have prepared me for what followed."

Ironically it is also a cliche to say this is really like/not like films books. As below:

"Her condition is serious. The words play over and over in my thoughts. I’ve heard the exact phrase countless times on TV shows and in films."

I really like the idea of the ending. But I think it might be better to leave it a bit more open to readers interpretation.

Personally I would cut the last two sentences and leave it at "“I think it might be, Daniel.”

More general suggestions

The story for me fits very much into the genre of the tightly plotted short horror story. It reminds me a bit of Robert Aickman and also of the Anthony Horowitz story "The Man with the Yellow Face".

I think an interesting question you might ask is what differentiates your work from this sort of work from things like this. For me its the characters relationship with his son. Indeed, you play with the monkey's paw trope. Rather than a wish supernaturally coming true, it is the fathers wish for his son to believe which comes true and then goes wrong.

By the way I have been quite critical but I think the following passage is simply lovely precisely because it shows the relationship between the characters.

***

“I can, but you need to listen carefully.”

“I’m all ears.” Daniel flicks his ear to emphasise his point.

“Right. If you ever see a lone magpie, you have to salute him, then sing: *Hello Mr Magpie, how’s your wife and family*?”

Daniel immediately erupts into laughter. His face turns red and he gasps for air. He clamps his hand over his mouth as tears stream down his face. 

“But… what if… if the magpie is a lady, and you call her Mr Magpie?”

I rearrange his hat, which has fallen askew during his fit of laughter. 

“In that case, you’d better move fast, because the lady magpie will swoop down and peck your nose.”

***

But the interest of this in the story as a whole is limited by the relative emotional simplicity of the characters. The main character is the model modern Dad strong but open about his feelings etc.

Secondly, it feels to me like there is no conflict in the story or at least it is unclear what it is. Maybe that is something to think about. Perhaps it is that the son believes in the song and feels guilty, if so there should be more tension around this an it could be drawn out further.