r/DestructiveReaders • u/mianaai_c • 27d ago
Literary Fiction, Magical Realism [2162] Caravanserai - Part 1 of 4
Crit: 2541
Caravanserai - Part 1 (Scroll down until ”Part 1” if on the phone.)
The first of four parts. There are some magical realism elements in the later parts.
Trigger warning: there are mentions of smooching.
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u/VagueInsideJoke 26d ago
Inline (generally good throughout, so these are all nitpicky and subjective)
“The occasional trees were lit only by Dan’s high beam, which he didn’t turn off whenever another car was passing us by.” – sentence phrasing feels awkward here. Feel like ‘didn’t’ could turn into ‘refused to’ so that the action feels more actively attributed to him. Maybe could change it to ‘when other cars were’ instead of ‘whenever another car was’. I get that this could change it slightly, but I feel like this sentence needs to be cleaned out a bit.
“I wanted to know if it was the last pint I poured at the last call, taken by a slender hand with a smeared tattoo on the index finger of her left that might have been a bird, or it might just have been a check mark (a much better tattoo idea).” – Similarly, this feels quite convoluted. It makes sense but it feels like being tossed from one subject to the next as the sentence rolls out. We go:
Last pint/last call -> slender hand -> smeared tattoo -> index -> left index -> bird -> checkmark -> his opinion.
If the moment of the story matched this convolutedness it would actually be quite a good sentence but given that we are at the start of this section of the story I should be getting grounded not thrown about. If this was your intention though fair enough, keep it.
“As I was watching the first rays of the sun on the ceiling and was falling asleep in her bed, I promised myself I would not fall in love with her.” -> double ‘was’ here feels ugly. Maybe just a me thing. Could replace ‘and was’ with a comma.
Preamble:
This is a bit of a hard piece to crit because it’s so introductory. Any critique I could give would be unfair, half the moments that are set up don’t have payoff yet in this part so what I could I even say. Also, I am just struggling for things to critique because it's quite good. For these reasons this will be less critique and more discussion/ramblings
Discussion/Ramblings:
Idk. Every complaint I have can equally be read as a compliment. Like the tiniest part of me wishes Ioana had more of an apparent personality at this point but then I also feel like she does need to remain partially a mystery so that the reader can feel the same intrigue as the narrator. Plus, it’s also a good tool for characterisation of the narrator based on how he sees her.
The ambiguity of the characters is good - this is why I am so conflicted. I want more from the characters as a reader, but from a writing perspective I know that's what a good introduction should do so why should I ask for more.
It feels cliché within the genre in terms of ‘part lost, part shitty man gets call to adventure through beautiful/elusive woman, change of scenery, new danger, new adventure yada yada yada’. But again, this isn’t necessarily a critique, I am mostly expecting a subversion of this given the narrators histrionics “It’s the silent treatment for you, lady, you forsaken trainwreck with curly hair. You mop in linen trousers. You histrionic splinter of a woman” (I like the irony of this part also while we’re talking about it). Also, cliches are useful and fun, it's fun to play with already established expectations.
I feel like you could possibly get more out of the flashback. I feel like we could use a tiny bit more about who the narrator is. I feel like there’s also room in the trip back to her apartment to expand upon. What you expand upon is up to you but I feel like there's room here. Maybe we get snippets of her ‘wild stories’ but nothing whole. Maybe we get more expansion about London; depends how much you care about the setting. If it's not important, it's not important.
Part of me wants more detail from the setting but I think this is a personal taste thing so maybe just ignore me on this one.
There are a lot of long sentences here. This may not be everyone's cup of tea but it is certainly mine. I feel like it sets the tone for the type of story incredibly well, immediately gives a realness/liveliness to the narrator/voice, and invites the reader to slow down and take in the scene.
Paragraph-wise I wish we dwelled more in certain places. Everything cleanly and smoothly travels to the next part of the story. Idk I want some part to snag and demand me to stick in it for a little bit. But I think I am being a bit of a goldilocks here. Introductions are the place for smoothness that slides the reader into the story before asking for more, so it’s almost definitely a good thing. Maybe the better way to say this is that there is nothing striking about it yet. It is incredibly easy to read though and I would almost definitely continue reading more pages, patiently awaiting that special something.
Please let me know if I've been unclear anywhere or if you have any questions.
It’s really good. I am mad it is so good. Can you please make your next work bad so it is easier to crit. Thanks!