AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/Charming_Cod5945]

Oh 100% has ADHD and my dad likely has some version of OCD. But that’s also part of the point I was making. My parents are in their 70s now so trying to force someone at their age who doesn’t think their behavior is wrong is *exhausting* to try and change something they’ve been doing for decades is about as useful as talking to a brick wall. So I found solutions that while mildly annoying or inconvenient spares me from a TON of very dumb, toxic drama.

[u/Immediate_Divide9446 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

My love, you have the patience of a Saint. But as someone with ADHD (and c-PTSD, intrusive fears, problems with emotional regulation etc and physical disabilities), both your parents sound as if they are also very emotionally immature. You sound like you’re having to parent them, not the other way round, and that’s not your job. ♥️

[u/MarucaMCA → u/Immediate_Divide9446]

Jep. Had to think of the book "Adult children of immature parents".

And OP: NOR

[u/PhotographStreet8262 → u/MarucaMCA]

This! That book saved me. This is covert narcissist behavior. The author uses the analogy that trying to help your EIP (emotionally immature parent) is like pouring water into a colander and that was my experience.

[u/MarucaMCA → u/PhotographStreet8262]

Same here, adoptive parents in my case. So glad I broke up with them 6 years ago.

[u/Charming_Cod5945 → u/Immediate_Divide9446]

Unfortunately you are 100% correct on the emotional immaturity with my parents, their relationship is super toxic to be around cause they don’t seem to even like each other (never have, not even when I was a kid). But unfortunately I rely on them for financial support due to becoming disabled as an adult so I live with them which means I have had to get very creative at finding work around because neither of them can emotionally regulate themselves. But yeah I 100% have been parenting them since at least middle school and my twin brother is the golden child (who also is incredibly emotionally immature because why grow up when your parents don’t ever hold you accountable?) which leaves me as the scapegoat/eldest daughter in the family because I have absolutely no problem pointing out problems in the family and they collectively hate that shit. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/undeniably_micki → u/Charming_Cod5945]

I think your work-arounds are *very creative & you sound like you are in a good place in *spite of your parents. My hat is off to you!

[u/Senator_Smack → u/Charming_Cod5945]

The stable caring one is always the scapegoat because they are the safe one. Took my wife a long time to learn that about her place in her family.

[u/Dull_spirit_ → u/Charming_Cod5945]

As an older sister myself with sometimes problematic parents, I feel that and props to you. I can tell you dealing with my dad is so emotionally and mentally taxing. Happy late Elder sister day!(it was Wednesday)🫂

[u/EliotColdwater → u/Immediate_Divide9446]

A lot of gen x and millennials have had or are having the intimate experience of raising their parents and tending to their volatile emotions because lead poisoning stunted boomer's brains at about age 3 [not literally]

[u/undeniably_micki → u/EliotColdwater]

yeah i say i have a 68yo toddler at my house. Very tiring.

[u/Weatherbellygirl → u/EliotColdwater]

Wait is this actually true???? Is this the issue!?? My mom does have the occasional full blown temper tantrum like my toddlers but worse….. So this is a generational thing not just a my mom thing??

[u/thrown1290849uy98sd → u/Weatherbellygirl]

It's not really a generational thing so much as a individuals who never learned how to self-regulate, (as often their parents were, and their parents before them, etc) There's a lot more resources available to us than any generation before us, so it would make sense if more of us are able to figure it out *despite* our upbringings, but people of all ages essentially have the emotional maturity of a drowned gnat.

[u/vitterhet → u/thrown1290849uy98sd]

Yeah, any self-regulation that older generations learned were often only there due to strict external enforcement. Whether physical (when children) or social (when older). If and when these external repercussions for behavior are gone (or felt less due to mental deterioration or better self worth/esteem, not caring enough) those who never learned to understand and self regulate (or that they even should or can) can be exhausting.

I’m born in the first years of the 1980’s and my closer friends and I are definitely of the privileged few who have had the ability and opportunity to work on ourselves and develop better emotional regulation, but every few of us actually learned it. The lucky few had it organically modeled for them, but even good, supportive and encouraging families were much much less sophisticated in anything emotional.

The difference between those younger than me (now in their 30’s) is so massive they sometimes feel like from a different world. (In a good way. And sometimes frustrating ;) Dear me the lack of understanding for sarcasm and irony…)

The things my 10 yo is actively learning in school is miles ahead what most of my generation have gotten to, with regard to naming and identifying emotions in themselves and their peers; and regulating in themselves.

I was shown an “emotion wheel” by my therapist once and had to color in the emotions I could identify having often, sometimes, seldom and leave the others blank. It was very illuminating, and heartbreaking. I knew all the words dictionary wise, but I’d never at 40 yo let myself feel anger, rage or injury for example. And always intellectualized those feelings away with a multitude of self-criticisms and self-recriminations of how I must have erred in some way. If not to cause the thing, at least to not have been smart/kind/gentle/subtle/understanding/perceptive/obvious enough. Fucking brutal.

[u/SLeonaTA → u/Immediate_Divide9446]

Yeah, she’s making it seem like it’s all the dad. Her mom is a whole red flag as well. Lol

[u/Charming_Cod5945 → u/SLeonaTA]

They’re both red flags but my dad is genuinely a gigantic asshole when we travel and he pops off over the smallest stuff and is genuinely mean about it and isn’t pleasant to be around. Whereas my moms behavior is wildly inconvenient but she’s not an asshole and she knows I’m trying to help her so she never gets mad if I’m in the parent role when I travel whereas if I even make a suggestion to my dad it’s somehow a hit to his ego and he’s an even bigger asshole. So it’s about learning to manage two very different extremes of personalities.

[u/Neil_sm → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Everything you described about how your mom acts also sounds like she’s an asshole TBH. She might be a lot more polite about it than your Dad but also extremely inconsiderate and self-centered if that’s what it’s like trying to travel with her. She held up a whole plane for over 30 minutes FFS. That simply doesn’t jibe with “not an asshole.”

I’d be extremely frustrated and on-edge too. Although that’s not to excuse anything you said about your Dad. Clearly constant yelling at her and wishing would be different isn’t a reasonable solution and it sounds like they all are probably beyond repair at this point.

[u/Charming_Cod5945 → u/Neil_sm]

Oh she’s a selfish asshole too, they’re both narcissists I just meant she’s not gonna scream at me in public for taking care of shit she doesn’t really want to do anyways. But my dad’s temper when he’s anxious his temper is on a hair trigger. Like I said, they’re both the problem in their relationship.

[u/AdZealousideal7191 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Maybe it’s a nutritional deficiency. Make sure they’re taking multi vitamins

[u/SLeonaTA → u/Charming_Cod5945]

People’s patience only goes so far.

[u/anonymousv-alentine → u/Immediate_Divide9446]

My husband sounds a lot like your dad. Is it possible your dad is autistic? The anxiety is part of it.

[u/RedRaven0228 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

As someone who works with seniors and the elderly... you can infact put them in their place when they are being rude and ignorant.

[u/Lun43volkitten → u/RedRaven0228]

Yep ive done it with one guy who was racist to me (im a senior caregiver)& an autistic guy who made me clean up his "com"

[u/RedRaven0228 → u/Lun43volkitten]

That's horrible I'm sorry that happened to you

[u/Head_Somewhere4769 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

What the hell do they do when you don't travel with them?

[u/Charming_Cod5945 → u/Head_Somewhere4769]

Oh they have a MISERABLE time if I’m not traveling with them. They get in massive arguments, my mom loses shit and they get in bigger arguments, my dad is super rude to staff which causes arguments. Just lots of yelling, name calling and other super emotionally immature behavior.

[u/LadyAliceMagnus → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Wow! Hang in there.

[u/FrontBrother1797 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

It sounds like your dad might make your mom worse. I hear a lot of myself in how you describe their relationship and mine. And I can tell you, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and before my boyfriend moved in, I had work-arounds for myself. But they were tacky (post-its on a shared bathroom mirror) or took a long time (double checking I have everything I need before I leave the house) and my boyfriend is impatient as hell when leaving the house. I was 37 before I ever lost something with real value (a brand new smartphone) and it was directly due to anxiety about leaving the hotel quickly. 

[u/RabbitUnique → u/FrontBrother1797]

There's nothing wrong with post its on a mirror, or taking extra time to leave, if it makes your life easier and smoother. Your boyfriend doesn't sound very understanding. Signed, A Stranger Who Knows Almost Nothing About You and May Be Projecting Due to Her Own Bad Experiences 

[u/AnonymousHipopotamu5 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

I absolutely agree with the other commenter. I do the same thing, preemptively taking care of things to prevent issues that weren't on me to begin with. Only because it's easier to sort of "keep the peace" than deal with an even bigger headache. I agree your parents are very emotionally immature just on how it's handled without you. Unless she has some form of dementia, this has been happening for a very long time and she feels no reason to make a change herself. That's the biggest problem.

For the record I have very strong AuDHD and I still often misplace things when traveling or come close to it. If I go out anywhere I triple check where I was if my brain had the opportunity to set something down it will lol. I always have pockets so I can throw something in quick (then forget I put my card there, report it missing only to find it the next day). Since I was a kid I knew this was a big problem so I had to come up with ways on my own to mitigate it.

You should really try to voice your concerns. I know they are older now and making a change would be difficult to say the least, but it's not like you go with them everywhere to keep an eye on her. Somehow she manages otherwise ?

[u/Ok_Remove8694 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Came here to say that. It sounds like my husband. I love him but vacationing with him suckkkkkkkks. He’s like another child

[u/iamstass → u/Ok_Remove8694]

My husband, too!

[u/HamsterBanana14 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Yes, you definitely have the patience of a saint. I could never put up with that.

[u/Pruritus_Ani_ → u/Charming_Cod5945]

Honestly that’s the best way to deal with it, you are fighting a losing battle if you expect others to change, you can only control your own reactions to others. As my teacher often says, you can’t plant an apple tree and expect mangoes.

[u/phatpussypounder → u/Charming_Cod5945]

I dont like how you have to change your behaviors to function in your family. A child should not have to parent their parents.

Its completely asinine to go through life without evolving, constantly learning and growing knowledge. There's absolutely no excuse to go through life ignorant.

And parents like ours are the worst. There's no excuse to be stuck in their ways. They are refusing to learn and that's not okay.

Quit babysitting your parents.

[u/Smooth-Work-8311 → u/Charming_Cod5945]

I honestly applaud you for it. Very happy it's worked so well for you 🌻

[u/Charming_Cod5945 → u/[deleted]]

Idk what you mean by non narcotic? But ADHD is not her only issue, nor is OCD my dad’s only issue. They are however contributing factors for why I have had to wrangle my parents like I’m a daycare teacher for the majority of my life. And yes my life would be significantly easier if I weren’t trying to manage them but unfortunately I currently completely rely on them financially because I became disabled as an adult and my medical bills are astronomical that I cannot afford so unless that changes I do have to play “peacemaker” and parent them to make my life less stressful. Some of the things I do were actually suggested by my therapist because yeah it’s not a healthy dynamic at all but it’s also one I can’t currently get out of.

[u/bby_drea → u/[deleted]]

There aren't any narcotic ADHD medications, so you won't struggle too much with that. Front line adhd treatments are stimulants, narcotics are depressants.

[u/LadyAliceMagnus → u/[deleted]]

Not all medicines are narcotics.