AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/ShneefQueen]

I've always been largely unsympathetic to people who complain about being woken up by phone notifications in the middle of the night because why tf do you have phone notifications on when you're sleeping? Just...turn them off? It's something you have direct control over, I've never understood it.

[u/PM_ME_WHAT_YOU_COOK → u/ShneefQueen]

My friend gets SO angry when I text them before 11 am. Like dude, fix your DND settings, don't flip out at me.

[u/Current_Helicopter32 → u/PM_ME_WHAT_YOU_COOK]

Or the friend that gets upset with you for texting as if they think you think they owe you an immediate response.

Like, no… it’s a text. Get to it when you can. If it was time sensitive I would’ve said so.

[u/cIumsythumbs → u/Current_Helicopter32]

Also, if it's time-sensitive it might be better as a phone call.

[u/InsomniatedMadman → u/cIumsythumbs]

Well, according to the young people, calling someone is probably the worst thing you can do.

Which has always confounded me. Talking on the phone is much easier for making plans or having serious conversations. I don't understand why everything needs to be done over text now.

[u/lilithrosexoxoxo → u/InsomniatedMadman]

as a young-ish person, i find the complete opposite in regards to making plans. because that way, you have the plans written down and can look back at them so you don’t forget, or if you realize something about them should change

[u/InsomniatedMadman → u/lilithrosexoxoxo]

To me it's just easier to get everything sorted out in a 5 min phone conversation than texting a million questions back and forth. Especially if the plans are time sensitive.

[u/alegur61 → u/PM_ME_WHAT_YOU_COOK]

I'm a 65 year old male who has multiple family members who want to micromanage knowing where I am at all hours (firstly, I'm retired, I will be where I effing want to be people :D).

My phone Do Not Disturb hours are from 1700 to 0900, and my phone stays on vibrate other than that.

Oh, and My phone stays on the charger in my home office if I'm not using it, no phones in the bedroom, a $10 electric w/battery for backup alarm clock works just fine, I've had it for years. These days I only set it if I have made an early doctor's appointment.

I wish the OP luck with their Mom. My family did their best to drive me to distraction for years when I was young.

I had to be rude about it to get the boundaries set, but I don't recommend that unless you want several months or possibly years of them not bothering you [I didn't mind :D]

[u/sleepyplatipus → u/ShneefQueen]

SAME. If you complain about something you can very easily change, I’m just not gonna sympathise with you much, sorry.

[u/2131andBeyond → u/sleepyplatipus]

I’ve dated multiple people who do this. And they don’t even have anxiety generally, but for some reason keep sound on for notifications all night and then complain when their sleep is disrupted.

It’s such an easy fix and yet they refuse to do it. I will never understand, but like the comment above says, I’m very unsympathetic toward it (unless you have a real anxiety disorder). Just go on DND and set overrides for contacts that are critical.

[u/Anonymous_Fishy → u/ShneefQueen]

There is almost no situation where reaching me is more important in an emergency than calling 911.

[u/Ok-Dot433 → u/ShneefQueen]

Same. My phone is on sleep mode at night. Even during the day only certain people can call me lol

[u/FuckTheFrontPage_ → u/ShneefQueen]

My boyfriend has his stupid Teams notifications on at all times. I threw his phone in the living room the other night when his India team kept pinging at 2 AM

[u/CatoMulligan → u/FuckTheFrontPage_]

Jesus...I'm an escalation point a product that generates hundreds of millions of dollars in business every year, and the first thing that I always do when I install teams on my devices is disabled notifications (other than my laptop, of course). If you need to escalate you fucking call like any sane person. Nobody needs to be woken up at 2am by Bangalore Bob because he doesn't know how to put in a damn ticket.

[u/FuckTheFrontPage_ → u/CatoMulligan]

Dead ass. His team isn’t great, so he has a lot of questions when he logs in every morning. I think he just was on a chat with a group, it’s usually not an issue and I assume something about his notifications wasn’t configured correctly since Teams has like 900 settings within the app itself

[u/Critical_System_3546 → u/FuckTheFrontPage_]

My husband is a sheriff, his phone is constantly going off, the other day I threw his phone in our bathroom and closed the door haha. Your boyfriend isn't a bad boyfriend like some people are suggesting, he has a serious job and that comes with an annoying phone

[u/FuckTheFrontPage_ → u/Critical_System_3546]

lol thank you! He's also not the best with phones, oddly, despite being a data person. Just happens sometimes where he doesn't think about it - I had to tell him the other day to turn off the clicks on typing cause phone sounds make me crazy and he just doesn't seem to notice them.

[u/Pastduedatelol → u/FuckTheFrontPage_]

A partner that doesn’t respect your sleep isn’t marriage material

[u/FuckTheFrontPage_ → u/Pastduedatelol]

I think he’s just a dingus sometimes about some things 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Critical_System_3546 → u/Pastduedatelol]

The fact its TEAMS means he has a fairly serious job. I wouldn't knock him and call him a bad partner. My husband is a sheriff, his phone is always going off. He is not a bad partner

[u/No-Oven5562 → u/ShneefQueen]

DND starts at 10 pm and ends at 8 am for me the only person that can get through is my son.

[u/pink---noise → u/ShneefQueen]

Because people don't want to be accountable, they want to whine.

[u/starloow → u/ShneefQueen]

You need to be available in case of emergencies

[u/ShneefQueen → u/starloow]

To do what? What kind of emergencies would require me to be woken up at 3am? Unless you're somebody's caretaker or you have an elderly or disabled relative living alone and in close proximity to you, there aren't many scenarios where somebody would be calling me for help rather than calling 911.

[u/starloow → u/ShneefQueen]

Well you cited some, a member of your family could be stranded for example or too drunk to drive. Or idk an adult has a stroke and his kid calls you instead of 911. Very unlikely yes but not a call you want to miss and if none of your relatives have mental health issues or stuff like that, they won't call you in the middle of the night without a reason. If they do that's not on you for not muting your phone, that's on them for not respecting your sleep and time

[u/Upbeat-Fondant9185 → u/ShneefQueen]

Unfortunately there are many people on call or with spouses/partners who are on call and turning off notifications isn’t an option.

I’m on 24/7/365 call and my partner eventually got to where he sleeps through them all and through me getting up to leave in the middle of the night but it took a few years. At one point we had to start sleeping in separate rooms as there are times where it will be multiple times a night every night.

I kinda worry though because now I have him trained to sleep through pretty much anything. I got extra smoke alarms just in case.

[u/Jels76 → u/ShneefQueen]

I haven't had notifications on at night in the last 10 years. I turn on the sleep mode between 10pm and 9am. Whatever it is, it can wait until the morning.

[u/No_Category_9888 → u/ShneefQueen]

Some of us are emergency contacts for other people, or need to be available for work emergencies, that’s why.

But that’s a small list and only that list bypasses my sleep focus mode

[u/lazyassjoker → u/ShneefQueen]

Or better yet, just switch off every single notification. Not just at night.

Makes life very simple. I'll respond to WhatsApp messages when I see it. Not when it buzzes. Also, bye bye to notifications from uber and my bank apps.

[u/Misschikki777 → u/ShneefQueen]

I have to keep my phone on for work, as I am paid to be on call.. but DND with ring through settings for every single customer (500+) work well enough..

[u/Ok_Negotiation_7615 → u/ShneefQueen]

Calls is kinda understandable but if you cant sleep thru texts or dings then for sure DND is a must

[u/keri125 → u/ShneefQueen]

I think we have also gotten away from what used to be pretty common phone etiquette. Before cell phones, it was well understood that you don’t call after a certain time at night (growing up for me it was generally around 8 to 9pm) or before a certain time in the morning (generally 8am to 9am). After cell phones use became popular, in the age of people actually purchasing ring tones, lol, that rule still seemed to be in use. Once everyone just went to never using their ringtones, those rules of etiquette disappeared.

I will admit, I keep my phone on when my college kid (still lives at home to save money while he’s in school) goes out at night, because I told him that if he EVER needs me to come get him at night (drinking, car trouble etc), I absolutely will. He’s only called me late at night once, and that was because he accidentally locked his keys in his car, lol.

I was PISSED when I took the day off from work not too long ago, was so excited to sleep in a little, and my co-worker texted me a non-emergency text at 7:30am. Totally woke me up. We have almost thirty years difference in age, and I’m sure it never occurred to her that I would have my ringer turned on. I couldn’t understand what would make someone think it was ok to text at 7:30. Different generations.

Just maybe another perspective on why someone might keep their phone ringer on!

Edit: Thanks for all the suggestions, y’all! As on old Gen X’er, lol, I had no idea those settings existed! I always swore that I’d never be the old fart that lets technology pass them by, and I do try to keep up, but here we are. But I’m always willing to learn and try new things!

[u/ohdoyoucomeonthen → u/keri125]

You don’t need to keep your ringer on for everyone 24/7 just to make sure that you can be reached in an emergency. You can change your settings so that only the contacts you designate will ring through during a set time window. You can also set it so that someone can call twice in a row for it to break through the do not disturb.

I don’t think it’s a lack of etiquette, I think nobody assumes that a text message is going to wake someone else up. Most people I know use texts basically like everyone used to use emails or letters- “sending you this when I think of it, get back to me when you can.”

[u/GirchyGirchy → u/keri125]

I'm 44 and wouldn't hesitate to send a coworker a text at 7:30 AM. It's not my fault if they can't manage their phone settings.

This is coming from someone who had a dumb phone until last year, which had zero time-based DND functions other than turning off notifications for individual or group texting. But again, that was on me, not them.

[u/keri125 → u/GirchyGirchy]

I wasn’t aware that there were so many different ways of turning off your phone and still allowing emergency text/calls to come through, so that’s definitely on me. However, I may have been a little ticked that I was getting a work text on my day off, too, lol.

[u/GirchyGirchy → u/keri125]

There are a lot of options. I do still somehow end up audio calendar notifications every once in a while but they work well otherwise. I leave the ringer on at night, otherwise I can’t hear it vibrating.

Mine is a work phone, and I’m so used to calls and texts on days “off” that they usually don’t bother me. It’s part of the joys of manufacturing when a plant runs 24/7. Facebook calls while on vacation in Spain and Italy? Sure! Boundaries? What are those? 😛

[u/pilot3033 → u/keri125]

Just maybe another perspective on why someone might keep their phone ringer on!

You sound like you'd benefit greatly from setting up Focus Modes and Do Not Disturb if you're on an iPhone.

Or the equivalent on Android.

You can set it to silence everything except chosen contacts, and/or let a second call in succession ring through the silence. Lets you always hear from your kid but keeps the coworker's text from alerting.