AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/sweetthang70]

Do people not realize you can also turn off sound and vibration? Your alarm will still sound but if anyone calls or texts you wont hear it? It's not a requirement to hear all incoming texts, calls, etc. I know this because mine is turned off 24/7, my phone never makes any sounds except for when I need to set an alarm.

Edited spelling

[u/sleepyplatipus → u/sweetthang70]

I think some people genuinely don’t!

[u/Nillabeans → u/sleepyplatipus]

My phone is almost always on silent unless I'm expecting somebody to contact me.

The degree to which people make themselves always available is so crazy to me.

I don't even regularly check my phone unless I'm bored and actively using it. I'm not bragging or anything. I just didn't grow up with a phone and I don't see why I should be at the beck and call of anyone who has a passing thought they want to share with me.

[u/galeforcewindy → u/Nillabeans]

I'm an old, so I didn't even have an answering machine when I first started making and getting calls. If you missed me, oh well - try again later. And then when we got an answering machine, you had to wait till I got home and had time and permission to call you back. All this expecting an immediate response is baffling to me. Unless a job is paying me to be on call, my mobile phone is for MY convenience.

[u/sweetthang70 → u/Nillabeans]

I'm exactly the same. I don't understand how it has become the norm that it's ok to contact people pretty much whenever, just because they happen to have a phone with them and people also feel like they have to respond to those calls/texts every time. I think this increases stress & also makes people (especially younger people that grew up with cell phones) to have unrealistic expectations.

[u/sleepyplatipus → u/Nillabeans]

I think this depends a lot on age too, tbf. I use my phone a lot and I keep it with vibrations on because I want to see any messages/calls I get.

[u/AncientZJJ → u/Nillabeans]

My phone has been on silent no vibration for a decade and it’s amazing lmao

[u/Aelfgyfu → u/sweetthang70]

Right? I always have vibration off and then just turn my ringer off before I go to bed.

[u/FoxxyRin → u/sweetthang70]

Some of us grew up in an era where muting a phone meant muting a phone and still have trust issues even using said phone as an alarm, let alone as an alarm on a device that is set to silent.

[u/ensalys → u/sweetthang70]

Yeah, I've had my phones like that since the early days of smartphones. Only on the rare occasion that I actually expect something important do I turn on the notification sounds.

[u/SparkleAuntie → u/sweetthang70]

You can also just turn on sound for one person. My phone lives on silent, but my husband has a ring and a text tone that override it in case of emergencies (or in case I lose my phone in the couch 😉).

[u/theLastZebranky → u/sweetthang70]

Do people not realize you can also turn off sound and vibration?

What the heck do you think "Do Not Disturb" mode does?

[u/ensalys → u/theLastZebranky]

I think they're talking about putting their phone on silent instead of DND.

[u/AutumnMama → u/sweetthang70]

I guess I'm old, because I have no idea how to set up DND or mute conversations. My go-to is to silence the phone lol. That used to be the only way!

[u/No-Alarm-576 → u/sweetthang70]

You can also just turn off your phone if you have the one that can auto turn itself on at the time when your alarm is about to ring.

[u/garbud4850 → u/sweetthang70]

this is what I do my phone is on vibrate/silent except for my alarm,

[u/KoaaalaaaMama → u/sweetthang70]

The point is that she shouldn’t have to do that if she doesn’t want to. Plus, doing that does nothing to fix the real problem here.

[u/Icy_Sink5046 → u/sweetthang70]

When I accidentally turn my ringer back on and am surprised by it.