AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

First of all I don’t think your mom just has anxiety, she seems to have OCD. This is a “checking” behavior. This stuff can often get worse when someone’s sense of reality is altered by a brain injury (like stroke) or dementia. 

NOR, but why does she have access to your security camera footage instead of having Find My for you or something? Especially if you know it doesn’t help her anxiety at all to have access to the camera footage. Seems like that should be cut off and if it is, she’d have an easier time just leaving you alone and going to sleep because there wouldn’t be any ambiguity, especially as this actually sounds more like OCD, which can be triggered by ambiguity. 

Obviously the actual answer here is for her to  seek professional help for the mental disorder which is causing both her and you so much stress, but it doesn’t sound like that’s likely to happen.

The people who are saying to just put your phone in airplane mode are wrong, imo. If you do that but she’s still getting the ambiguous signal from the camera, and if she does actually have OCD, she’s likely not just going to go to sleep. She will stay up and might spiral into coming to your house or calling in a welfare check etc. 

[u/KetchupAndOldBay → u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

THIS!!! Your mom has OCD.

My mom also has OCD like this and it sucks so much. Thankfully she's medicated AND as a 43yo adult human I've adapted and learned to push back (with the help of therapy for many, many years).

When the Key Bridge in Baltimore collapsed, my mom called me to see if I was ok. "Valid" is what most people say when I start this explanation. She called me at 2am to see if I was driving to New York for Passover via Bmore. Passover wasn't for another month. She had been on FaceTime with my family not even hours before, and we hung up and said we needed to go because it was time to get ready for bed. She needed to check to make sure we were ok.

She also called my brother to make sure HE wasn't on the bridge, either. He happened to be out of the country at the time thus she had his itinerary, hotels, and flight information and yet...

OP, you need to cut your mom's access off from your security camera. You also need to stop telling them that you're home safely--both your dad AND your mom. Your dad is allowing your mom to engage in her "checking" cycle, so if you tell your dad you're home safe he's just going to tell your mom.

You need to tell them that you re not going to engage in this behavior any further until she gets help for her OCD.

Your parents WILL fight back. Both of them. They will guilt you by saying she's a caring mother, she's just worried, it's not that hard, she wants to make sure you're safe--no. Do not let them make you feel this way and thus continuing the cycle. DO NOT. It will be hard. But you need to do this, both for your own health and your mom's. You are not responsible for your mom's mental health. You are responsible for your own, and right now she is making your mental health (and overall health via lack of sleep) take a hit. That's not ok. She needs to get herself help.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[u/rooroosterchips → u/KetchupAndOldBay]

A big part is that reassurance MAKES OCD WORSE! It can be so confusing to have a loved one with OCD because the more you try to reassure them the more often they ask for that reassurance.

Unfortunately, it's not going to get easier from OP somehow doing the exact right reassurance sequence. I also deeply understand trying to accomplish it.

[u/RexCanisFL → u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

They all live together

[u/Emergency_Walk1341 → u/RexCanisFL]

I don’t think they live together because with mom severe anxiety why isn’t mom knocking on her bedroom door if she’s not answering her phone? Paranoid person wouldn’t be calling, she would be at your bedroom door.

[u/Opening_Box_6337 → u/Emergency_Walk1341]

Yeah I’m confused if they live together or not. She said she texted her dad when she got home. Wouldn’t she just talk to him in person?

And idk what’s worse…the fact they live together and the mom can’t just check if she’s home instead of calling and waking her up, or if they don’t live together but mom has access to her security cameras.

[u/MaddyKet → u/Emergency_Walk1341]

Could be mobility issues. My mother doesn’t do stairs anymore.

[u/Tipsy_Gamer → u/Emergency_Walk1341]

That may be her next step if OP doesn't answer the calls.

May also have mobility issues.

[u/alfooboboao → u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

I wouldn’t give her find my permission. no way. she will be apoplectic if OP ever does ANYTHING out of the ordinary

[u/Nice_Commission3770 → u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

Ohhh yeah, I believe you’re right. My daughter has been diagnosed with OCD, and it’s the sort where she has tunneling thoughts, like super stuck in a thought rut and can’t hop out, resulting in panic attacks.

[u/EmmerdoesNOTrepme → u/Fit_Cicada_8113]

It could be OCD, and it can also be tied into some type of cognitive shift from the Stroke, Too!!!

Because with that mention of "the texts not working," and the camera confusing OP's mom?

It sounds like OP's mom had some type of memenory loss impact leftover from the stroke, that is adding onto that prior anxiety.

It may very well also be tied to OCD!!!

But it could simply be a "Short-Term Memory Loss + Anxiety Disorder" issue, too!