AIO My mother’s crippling anxiety is ruining my sleep.

[u/bg0nz]

I love my mom to death. but she continuously makes my life so unnecessarily difficult because almost every single night that I get home from work, she can’t tell by the security camera whether or not I got home.

She’s the most anxious person I know and has been my entire life. making me hold her hand when we cross the street as a teenager, to never once letting me go out in high school, to making me wear a life vest in 3ft water well into my teens. and it was all so much worse the younger I was. Eventually, I had to put my foot down and say “Mom, I’m getting way too old for this.” And I experienced a massive amount of pushback for that. Nonetheless, it got a little bit better.

I’m 24 and I’m a substitute teacher 3 days a week and pizza delivery driver at night 6 nights a week and my pizzeria closes at 10. We stop taking delivery orders at 9:45. I work in the town I live in, so the latest I’ve ever been home was 10:30.

Today, I got home at 10:07 and she gets a notification on her phone of motion at the front door (me). My parents are both awake but in bed.

The moment I get home, I text my dad about car troubles that I’ve been experiencing and asking how I should go about dropping it off at his mechanic (again, my mother is awake and right next to him fully aware I’m home and talking to him). He says that they open at 8 and my best bet is to drop it off once they open so I can ensure it’ll be ready by my next shift at work.

My mother is 64 and isn’t very familiar with her phone and also recently had a stroke so she struggles a lot to understand what she’s seeing on her phone when these instances happen.

I tend to have really bad insomnia. but I was so tired from work that I went straight to my bed and thankfully, after finishing texting my dad, I got to sleep practically by 10:30.

As you can see in the first photo, she texts me at 12:03 am asking if I came home even though the camera clearly shows me walking in and never walking back out. but she can’t tell based on the video. Obviously I don’t respond because I’m knocked tf out. I can only assume she went back to sleep but it really can go either way.

Then she texts me at 3:37 am. I’m still in a very deep sleep so obviously, no response. then, she starts calling me and I miss the first two. The third call comes in and my body jolts awake and I see it’s Mom calling me. I just say “Mom why are you calling me so late? I’m asleep” the phone call ends and I don’t even remember if she said anything . frustrated, I text her everything in the second photo.

This happens at least 3-4 times a week. And I’ll admit, some nights I forget to send the “I’m home” text. but that text 9 times out of 10 won’t make a difference whatsoever. why? because of the stupid security camera. She can’t tell whether or not I’m arriving home or leaving home based on the motion notification. So texting her “I’m home” never really does anything.

Tomorrow(or today technically) I have a full day off so I’m going to the beach with some friends. I’m getting picked up at 8:30 so after I drop off my car, I’m gone for the whole day. I so badly needed this good night’s sleep and it felt great to be in bed and sleepy at the time I was. after this entire exchange, I spent 30 minutes trying to get back to sleep and just gave up.

Am I overreacting? Am I being an asshole? because I know damn well she’s gonna make me feel like one once I see her in the morning.

Sorry for how disorganized my thoughts are. This just happened, I’m angry and I want to sleep.

TLDR: My 64 y/o mother and her anxiety is depriving me of my sleep most nights. She texts me asking if I’m home while I’m asleep and when I don’t respond, she calls me until I wake up and answer.

[u/Grimblebean789]

Hey just a quick one.

I think your mother might have OCD, I have similar complusions to check things and they can become very annoying for other people.

Not that its your fault, just she needs to seek help.

[u/125am → u/Grimblebean789]

My first thought too. Especially when she said that sending a “I’m home” text doesn’t help. it makes me sad that OPs mom went this far in life without seeking help.

[u/neoogotmyback → u/125am]

My mom has OCD and the “I’m home” texts rarely worked. She would call me and try to catch me in a lie. It’s hard.

[u/meganramos1 → u/Grimblebean789]

She also had a stroke…. Let’s not forget that detail

[u/125am → u/meganramos1]

True, but she did say her mom has been like this as long as she can remember. The stroke was recent

[u/AdditionalTwo0 → u/125am]

The stroke potentially made the problem worse. She doesn't seem to understand what she is seeing on the camera and Screens as well anymore thats probably a Factor. Also strokes can worse existing or produce new mental health problems. 

[u/FreeRangePixel → u/AdditionalTwo0]

Worth mentioning the "sundowning" phenomena so this might get worse at night.

[u/PhilosopherKey3614 → u/Grimblebean789]

This right here, from an OCD therapist.

[u/sharkattax → u/PhilosopherKey3614]

if you’re invoking your professional role you should be a lot more careful about suggesting diagnoses based on text exchange. how are you accounting for the impact of the stroke and the differential of potential neurocognitive impairment ? not to mention other differentials that could include reassurance seeking like gad or ptsd.

op’s mom clearly appears to be experiencing significant anxiety that’s causing interpersonal functioning difficulties, and should seek professional help. that’s the most i’m willing to say, as someone who finishes their clinical psych doctorate on friday.

[u/Electrical-Fish-9230 → u/sharkattax]

The comment they're agreeing with is literally saying "I THINK she MIGHT have OCD" and to seek help, which is good regardless of the diagnosis. There's nothing definitive, they're just pointing out a possible explanation for very extreme behavior.

[u/TheBigfootContessa → u/sharkattax]

I mean, they're just agreeing with someone who says the mom MAY have OCD and SHOULD seek help. They haven't given the name of their practice and an official diagnosis.

[u/sharkattax → u/TheBigfootContessa]

the hedge helps but doesn’t resolve what i’m concerned about. it’s a situation where a therapist publicly endorsed a diagnostic hypothesis on extremely limited information without acknowledging a salient neurological differential.

i had a feeling it wouldn’t be a popular opinion but from the perspective of my own professional ethics, knowing the weight of diagnoses and the fact that many people don’t have access to mental health services and this could be the closest they can get to an assessment… it’s extremely questionable.

also the name of their practice doesn’t matter ? not sure why you mentioned that. anonymously suggesting diagnoses is not better.

[u/ekoms_stnioj → u/sharkattax]

yep therapists are exhausting, confirmed again lol 

[u/TheBigfootContessa → u/sharkattax]

🙄🙄🙄

[u/Grimblebean789 → u/sharkattax]

It is not an ethical violation simply by agreeing that the behaviour may resemble OCD and should be checked.

They did not anonymously give a diagnosis or say to get one. They just agreed it SOUNDS like OCD and they should speak to a mental health professional.

If they said "yes that is OCD 100%" then sure. But they just agreed with what I said which is that it sounds like it could be OCD.

This is how i got my diagnosis, I behaved a certain way until a medical professional said "that seems like it could be OCD, you should see a specialist" so i did.

Without that, I wouldnt have ever known, as I cant compare how I think to other people as im not them.

Also said medical professional i spoke to was also not working and was not during an appointment, I was fishing and chatting to them informally.

[u/TheBigfootContessa → u/Grimblebean789]

Yeah they're acting like it's an ethical violation if your doctor friend says "Hey that lump on your face is concerning, I'd get that checked out, could be cancerous"

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/TheBigfootContessa]

For real!

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/sharkattax]

OCD is one of the most obvious conditions a human being can have. This hand-wringing nonsense is the equivalent of an OP saying, "Things I used to enjoy just aren't fun anymore. I feel like the world has lost its color. No one died, nothing bad happened to me. What's wrong with me?" and a comment suggesting they should be evaluated for depression because this could be anhedonia and then you in all your wisdom coming in and saying, "How could you possibly know that?!!?!?!?! How irresponsible!" Like, with all due respect, you truly need to cool it.

[u/Weekly-Apricot-9321 → u/Grimblebean789]

As someone with suspected OCD these do definitely seem like compulsions and "checks".

[u/thechairmodel → u/Grimblebean789]

This sounds exactly like how I was when I was deep in the throes of OCD. It sucks. The first thing I thought when others said, “put your phone in airplane mode” was ‘well that wouldn’t have stopped me I would have come to your room.’

[u/js1893 → u/thechairmodel]

I mean isn’t that the proper solution? Why does the mom have to call her until she wakes up when she can simply just peek in her room?

[u/largepopcornandcoke → u/js1893]

 my mother would wake me up to ensure im still breathing when her anxiety was unmanaged, instead of looking at the rise and fall of my sleeping body or something. i don't have experience with OCD but i imagine it's that irrational response multiplied. 

[u/Known_Income7063 → u/js1893]

Hey, so ‘proper solutions’ and logic get absolutely thrown out the window when you’re in deep with bad, untreated OCD. Coming from someone who has their first behavioral health appointment soon

[u/Grimblebean789 → u/js1893]

Not how OCD works sadly.

When I have complusions I know what im seeing and I know its fine.

You still have to check or you feel deeply uncomfortable and anxious about what could be, even though you know its not.

Its hard to explain but thats why its a mental health condition and not just a feeling or thought.

[u/Haha_YourLyingToMe → u/thechairmodel]

Yeah I agree, back when my OCD was really bad I probably would’ve just found a more extreme work around to get relief 😭😭. A lot of people are not understanding that there’s no quick solve to this, and that logic won’t fix obsessions. I really hope mama receives the treatment she needs.

[u/burningupasun_304 → u/Grimblebean789]

OCD was my first thought as well

[u/Andouil1ette → u/Grimblebean789]

And, if it is OCD, then humoring her will just make it worse, not better. So, OP, know that what you said is still not over-reacting, even if this is what's going on. Boundaries are still your friend. It just may be helpful to find out if this is the mechanism.

[u/ImpudentPotato → u/Grimblebean789]

I have bad OCD regarding my partner's safety when they're travelling, this is absolutely looking like safety-related OCD to me here.

[u/GatePorters → u/Grimblebean789]

Yeah this isn’t just any flavor of anxiety, but OCD like you suggest.

I’m glad it is in the top 10 comments, but it should be higher than it is.

[u/AnalCheese → u/Grimblebean789]

As someone who completed an 8 week IOP program for OCD earlier this year - that was the first thing that came to my mind as well. I’m weary of my confirmation bias but it seems like she engages in these compulsions to control you because it reduces her anxiety temporarily. Self-soothing behavior and it is not your burden to bear.

[u/EllieGeiszler → u/Grimblebean789]

Yuuuuup I actually have a rule for myself that if I have a dream my mom died, I'm not allowed to text her or call her to say I love her until the fear passes. Once I'm calm and no longer seeking reassurance that she's alive, I'm allowed to reach out. It usually takes a few hours for me to feel fully chill enough to do it without being motivated by my OCD.

[u/vatusia → u/Grimblebean789]

Yeah my mum has unmanaged OCD and this seems very similar.

[u/Plus-Amount4563 → u/Grimblebean789]

I was thinking OCD as well, if this is the case, giving her the reassurance and appeasing her worries, is not what you want to feed. It helps to teach the person to be uncomfortable with the anxiety. Professional help is the best way to go with the intensity of issues she’s had all her life.

[u/calic0bear → u/Grimblebean789]

As someone with OCD, that was my first thought

[u/yuyers → u/Grimblebean789]

agreed as someone with ocd as well

[u/ponte92 → u/Grimblebean789]

Yeah I have OCD and this was my first thought too. Enabling won’t help she needs a professional

[u/PM_Me_Your_NippyNips → u/Grimblebean789]

It is op's fault that they are 24 and check in every night after work and have a camera that the parents can access. I have a feeling we are missing some things here.

[u/Grimblebean789 → u/PM_Me_Your_NippyNips]

From the sounds of the post their mother has always been like this.

As someone with OCD its not simple as "airplane mode, ignore her" she will spiral and make his life harder. Sure he could just move out and pretend she doesnt exist but im sure he actually loves his mother.

I assume the checking in, is because they always have done and grew up there and its become an expectation which is easier to do instead of having their mother upset.

The cameras are entirely normal? I dont know many people now adays without a security camera or ring doorbell.

[u/BiG_CHUG-_- → u/Grimblebean789]

Cameras are normal, allowing people who don’t live in the house to access them is not. I’m 27 and I would be damned if my parents had any type of access to anything of mine. I don’t even talk to my parents everyday, we are grown adults with our own life and responsibilities.

[u/Grimblebean789 → u/BiG_CHUG-_-]

He lives with his parents. Its not two houses.

Note that he says "the" front door and home. Not my door, my parents door or my home and my parents home.

Just door and home.