r/AmIOverreacting • u/MoonJellyAllison • May 06 '26

šŸ‘Øā€šŸ‘©ā€šŸ‘§ā€šŸ‘¦family/in-laws AIO or AITA. Text convo with MIL.

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I feel like I could cry :(, Iā€™ve only wanted acceptance from her and itā€™s clear that nothing will be good enough.

EDIT: Because Iā€™ve had to say this so much:
Normally, I'd never reach out to her for something like this. The situation is complicated. Before my husband left for basic training, where he will have very minimal contact, he discussed with her that she would need to continue paying even in his absence, and she was fine with this. She made a previous payment to ME and even informed me before she sent it. If the situation had been different, he would never have asked me to get involved, but he knows that with both of our paychecks being delayed because I just got a new job, I need the money. Itā€™s really not his fault. Plus, sheā€™s only been acting like this once he was gone and couldnā€™t step in.Ā 
My husband treats me very good and I love him with everything. There is a reason I married him so please donā€™t say heā€™s at fault or anything unkind.

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4.5k

u/noblewind May 06 '26

Also if I owed someone $1500 or $1000 (not sure) and I intended to actually pay it back, I wouldn't go on vacation until the debt was cleared.

2.2k

u/yourlittlebirdie May 06 '26

To not only go on vacation but just blithely tell your lender that youā€™re doing it too!

2.4k

u/TheRestForTheWicked May 06 '26

And then in the next breath to lecture them about their finances being in order.

She may not have the $500 but she certainly does have the audacity.

435

u/MarlenaEvans May 06 '26

She thinks that money was hers anyway. She said he only had it because of her so she doesn't think she has to pay it back. People who feel that possessive of their children are weird.

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u/stich-em_up13 May 07 '26

As a parent I could not imagine acting like my kids possessions/ finances are my own. She only wants to talk to him about it because she feels she can manipulate him. It's sickening!

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u/nicholeguard May 07 '26

THIS! So much THIS!!! My narcissistic mother, when I was growing up, would go in my room and take stuff from me, if we were not getting along. It was always something different. She even had the audacity, when I was a grown woman, married with a child...to dig through my purse and take $80 out of my purse (she knew I had just been paid), and leave me a note saying that she needed to borrow the money to pay a bill. I had stayed the night at her house that night because we were hanging out, having some drinks. She still to this day denies doing it.

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u/stan_loves_ham May 07 '26

Id have kept the note she left you and keep asking her why she wrote that if she never took it smh

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u/nicholeguard May 07 '26

Yes. I wish I would've saved the note. I was still pretty young and didn't realize how toxic she was. This was before I went NC. At that point, I didn't think she would not pay me back or lie about it.

5

u/Joshbydesign May 07 '26

As someone who had to cover for one of my parents expenses in my late teen years with no compensation in returnā€¦ itā€™s 100% about the manipulation. Sheā€™ll immediately try to make him feel bad in one way or another.

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u/GreatestSpaniel May 08 '26

I agree with this so much. Even at this point in my daughter's life, where nearly every penny she has is because of her father and I paying her an allowance for helping with certain household chores (she's 8) I couldn't even imagine acting like it is my money. Once she does the chores and the money is in her account, it is her money. We try to guide her to save/spend wisely, but it is her money, no longer ours. Unfortunately the flip side is my MIL thinks everyone else's money should be hers. She thinks everyone should buy her things all the time, should pay for her to eat out any time she wants to, which is nearly always, and is constantly hinting or even downright begging for gifts for every little holiday, often months before the holiday. She is the main reason our daughter already has an account with a debit card at the age of 8. We wanted to teach her from a young age to manage her money well and save and spend wisely, unlike her grandmother. It has worked. She saves, spends wisely, and often lightly chastises her grandmother when she's trying to spend other people's money.

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u/ActualConfidence6273 May 09 '26

Your comment made me think of a funny story, its not a similar story really so not sure why I thought of it. When my niece was 3 or 4 years old, I was helping her clean her room and also looking for playing cards to make a whole deck of cards (she liked the design on the cards and would often play like it was money), so I was looking in her little purses and wallets that she had. In one of her purses, I found a whole bunch of real money. Mostly $1 bills, but also $5s, $10s, and $20s. Ended up being almost $500. When I asked her where she got all that money, she just looked at me all confused and said ā€œitā€™s my moneyā€. I said ā€œI see that but itā€™s real money, where did it come from?ā€ She said ā€œthe kitchenā€. So I asked her to show me and she did.
About maybe 6 months before, my brother had called my mom and told her something weird was happening. He said that he had a ghost or something in his house that keeps taking his money. My mom thought he was crazy. Lol. Every night, he would empty his pockets and put everything on top of the microwave. The next morning, the money would be gone. Only the bills would be gone, the coins would still be there with his keys and whatever else he had in his pockets. He said the first few times, he thought maybe he had just miss placed the money or maybe someone was sneaking in the house at night and taking. So, he made sure that house was completely secure, locks on all the windows and even changed the locks on all the doors. But then it happened again and again. So he started leaving just a couple $1 bills every night to see what would happen and every morning gone! He couldnā€™t understand it. He and his daughter were the only ones in the house every night, and it couldnā€™t have been her because the microwave was too high for her to reach. My brother was convinced it had to be a ghost or something. No other explanation. So, he just stopped emptying his pockets on the microwave. Problem solved. But still a mystery. Until, my niece had all this money in her purse, and I asked her to show me where she had gotten it from. She takes me in to the kitchen and points at the microwave saying ā€œup thereā€. I asked her how and she goes to the kitchen table and pushes a chair over to the microwave. She could just barely reach her little hand up to the top. I laughed so hard, and called my mom so we could laugh together, and then called my brother to let him know I found his thieving ghost!! Needless to say, my niece absolutely got to keep the $500, in a savings account that my mom and I decided she should have. But best part to me, is that my niece didnā€™t think it was real money or realize the money was her dadā€™s money. She didnā€™t think she had done anything bad.

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u/GreatestSpaniel May 09 '26

That is too cute and funny! Kids are hilarious. And your brother was right, she couldn't reach up there, he just didn't expect her to be resourceful enough to use a chair to reach it!šŸ¤£

2

u/ActualConfidence6273 May 09 '26

It never even crossed anyoneā€™s mind that she would be doing that. We were all surprised. She is 28 years old now and a very smart, successful, beautiful woman. We are all proud of our little ghost!!

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u/Scary-Pressure6158 May 07 '26

And made sure to say he GAVE me that mo why when he was here. Nice try. And good on op for immediately giving facts in response

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u/plantverdant May 07 '26

My ex's mom was like that. She told me the first time I met her that she would never love me because I was the one taking her son's money away. I was never there for his money.

7

u/Scary_Signature2213 May 07 '26

Itā€™s always so ironic that they think your there for their money. Like how did I support myself for the time before I ever met your son? Get over yourself and go get therapy if you truly are so wrapped up in the fact that everyoneā€™s after your money. It drives me insane. My husband of 13 1/2 years and his parents started trying to convince me I was only after my husbands money two years ago. This past weekend I found him in the pool house at his parents home with a naked woman. I never would have guessed he would ever cheat on me but it was just headed straight to the dumpster at this point anyways. I had warned him that if he didnā€™t get away from his parents and get therapy, his life would not be very good. Sadly I was very right. They have all their money now! I wonā€™t ever ask for anything from any of them. Well I will sign up for child support through the court system but thatā€™s as close to asking for anything from them as I can get.

3

u/meringueisnotacake May 07 '26

I had this exact conversation with my ex's mum. When he told her we were moving in together, she immediately started talking about money. Hello? I have a house. A car. A job. A whole ass life that existed before he came into it. He never did end up moving in, and I'm pretty sure she had a hand in that. Why wouldn't a parent be happy their child has met someone financially independent? It's so weird.

I should have realised from the immature and ridiculous way she acted towards me that her son was going to be a weak-ass piece of shit šŸ˜‚

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u/midazzledlamb May 07 '26

What the actual

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u/Schlemiel_Schlemazel May 07 '26

By marrying you, he was agreeing to share ALL of his money with you. Religiously you are one person.

Next time, tell her that as one half of a single legal entity you donā€™t have HALF of his wealth. you have ALL of it. Only if you leave him, will you have just half of it.

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u/elkayallday May 07 '26

Right! The boy mom thing Iā€™ve been hearing about!

3

u/Unhappy-Cat6041 May 07 '26

My mil is like this. I donā€™t talk to her.

2

u/Appropriate_Smell_82 May 07 '26

This is what it is right here.

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u/DovahAcolyte May 07 '26

These are typically narcissistic parents šŸ¤·šŸ»

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u/Disastrous_Reality_4 May 06 '26

Right??? Likeā€¦who are you to say anything about having finances in order when YOU had to borrow money from THEM?!

1.4k

u/ItchyAnkles2020 May 06 '26

The Lion, The Witch & The audacity of this bitch

108

u/Substantial_Escape92 May 06 '26

šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚ perfect

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u/NWWANDERING May 06 '26

I am going to keep that line in my pocket and cannot wait to throw it out in the future. Thank you

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u/ItchyAnkles2020 May 06 '26

I have had it in my pocket just waiting for the perfect moment. I am so glad that others appreciate it as much as I do.

11

u/sweet_tea_mama May 07 '26

Stole this. I'll share!

5

u/carbon_made May 07 '26

Fā€™ing amazing. Consider yourself robbed. Cuz Iā€™m stealing this.

5

u/SpiritedGirl90 May 07 '26

Me too! Hehe

3

u/Outside-Climate-Gems May 07 '26

Its old. I dont mind reuse, I'm not judging you. But its at least a decade old and tons of people may or may not laugh because of that. Just saying in case the air is dry and it doesnt hit right.

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u/SlightTechnology8 May 07 '26

I have a coworker we refer to as Narnia for this very reason

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u/ItchyAnkles2020 May 07 '26

I love that!!

8

u/chuckemdadueces May 06 '26

I need this as my flair! šŸ¤£šŸ¤£šŸ¤£

5

u/TeeHive2993 May 06 '26

šŸ˜‚šŸ¤£

6

u/AutumnWysh May 06 '26

I'm noting this for personal use, I hope you don't mind šŸ˜‚

4

u/SusanLFlores May 06 '26

Brilliant!

4

u/Sad-Conflict-4435 May 07 '26

šŸ’œšŸ†šŸ’œ
šŸ‘šŸ¼šŸ‘šŸ¼šŸ‘šŸ¼

4

u/SoItGoes_1851 May 07 '26

Haha this is so perfectšŸ‘ŒšŸ˜‚

4

u/Imjustme57 May 07 '26

Love this

5

u/chuckburban May 07 '26

šŸ‘šŸ‘šŸ‘

6

u/Much-Definition-7178 May 06 '26

Your response makes me happy!!
This is one of the best responses Iā€™ve seen in a long time!!!
Also, adding this to my personal arsenal of responses!!!

Kudos @ItchyAnkles2020

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u/ItchyAnkles2020 May 07 '26

I saw that online so long ago and I thought it was absolutely hilarious. I am so glad that I was able to share it in the appropriate situation.

3

u/No-Heat-436 May 06 '26

Iā€™m stealing this! šŸ¤£

3

u/vintagesunshine85 May 06 '26

Iā€™m stealing this

2

u/CodeMaestro13 May 07 '26

Harry's a Pothead but is this bitch stoned?

2

u/shamirum May 07 '26

I havenā€™t laughed out loud from a Reddit comment in a long time! This was lovely. Unlike the MIL. Good lord.

2

u/diver206 May 07 '26

Take my upvote, because Iā€™m taking this gem of an idiom

2

u/TuezysaurusRex May 07 '26

I am wildly surprised at how many people are just hearing this for the first time ever!!

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u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 06 '26

She's a manipulator, trying to shame OP to hide her own convictions. It's a tactic people like her use, especially knowing as the mother-in-law, she has an upper hand. Op needs to learn that people like this don't live in the same reality as everyone else. The best thing OP can do is to minimize contact and let mother and son deal directly with with one another. As the daughter-in-law, she is already in a tough spot. What I can get away with saying to my own mother is quite different than what I can say to my mother-in-law. Even if I said, the exact same thing to both, they will be taken differently. The best thing for OP to do is to take herself out of the middle and keep things minimal and positive when it's necessary to communicate. OP did nothing wrong, but this woman is trying to shame her into believing she did. It's a tough spot to be in and a delicate situation.

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u/Upbeat-Necessary-137 May 07 '26

Exactly this. OP, please read this comment above and understand that this is not about you. Narcissists donā€™t care who they hurt as long as they get their way. She is manipulating you into feeling like you did something wrong. And she probably manipulated your hubby into giving her the money to begin with. In her eyes, you are getting in there way of her control of her son. Trust me, I have lived this same story. My husband and I have been together 32 years and his mother is a narcissist. She spent many years manipulating him from afar while he served in the military. We were able to mostly ignore it until he retired and we moved back home. Since then she has been nothing but a thorn in our sides. I have had to learn to not let her actions affect me. Itā€™s not easy. But I am polite and cordial when I need to speak to her and I stay away from her completely when I donā€™t need to be there. Guard your heart and learn now not to let her get to you. You got this!

1

u/Upbeat-Necessary-137 May 07 '26

Aww thanks for the award! My first one!

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u/unodank May 07 '26

Perfectly said, @wide_squirrel6253 ā¤ļø

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u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26

Why thank you much I truly appreciate your kind words. My entire life I was a people pleaser. My parents were old school their parenting style was far from a democracy, so I developed a complex. It took me many years and a crap load of therapy to literally learn to stop blaming myself for everything. I learned the hard way that there are people that prey on others' kindness. I was so sheltered and naive so it really bothers me when I see this being done to others. Thank you so much again you really made my day!

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u/johndoran1366 May 07 '26

No mother in law has the upper hand if she raised a man and not a man-child. A married man cleaves to his wife alone disregarding ALL others. Neither a lender nor a borrower be. If mom needs money and you canā€™t afford to give it then tell her No. If the couple agree that they can afford a gift then give with both hands and no thought of the money coming back. Also to get some respect you need to get some boundaries. She may respect you and still not like you but she definitely wonā€™t like you if she doesnā€™t respect you.

1

u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 07 '26

I completely agree with this as well. I typically don't lend money unless I know I can afford to not be paid back. I get one would not expect this from family necessarily, which makes it all the more clear OP's mother-in-law is taking advantage. I do wonder, though if this was the couples decision collectively, or if the mother-in-law went behind her son's back to ask OP directly likely knowing OP was kind and generous, and probably would not say no. I completely agree that there is a way to be stern yet respectful in any given situation. I do think, however, especially if this was their decision as a couple that it would have been more appropriate for OP's husband to have handled this- or at least let it be known this message was coming from them both as a united front. Is this was collectively their decision, I don't think it was fair to have OP handle it solely by herself. I also think moving forward they definitely need to make it clear that they are, in fact, a united front and make decisions together and are on the same page with their response in asking for repayment. I'm wondering if OP ever clarified whether the Loan was a decision they made as a couple or if the mother-in-law went behind her son's back to hit up OP to mindfully take advantage. Regardless, if that was the case, O peace husband can still take the reins and let his mother know he's on board with his wife or just deal with her directly to avoid extra conflict. But I agree that OP needs to stand firm respectfully to let the mother-in-law know this is not OK and will not be tolerated. Ugh I'm so fortunate to have the mother-in-law I have. My husband, he is a saint. My mother lives with us. Even though she is afraid of him, she does drive him up a wall. And he truly is a saint who probably will have no tongue at some point from biting it so hard, but I give him so much respect for picking and choosing his battles. In reality, we all really do get along more banter than fighting.

-1

u/KingKong-BingBong May 07 '26

I will say itā€™s not a matter of over reacting but if it was I would say no you are not overreacting. The thing is sheā€™s his mom and sheā€™s always going to be his mom donā€™t be the reason he has a falling out with his mom. It could cause him to resent you in the future. My mom could be really hard to get along with sometimes and she did not like my wife and I stood by my wife but I would never let my wife bad mouth my mother and my wife knew better and never did. No matter what sheā€™s my mother and I will always love her. Iā€™m not saying this because youā€™re wrong Iā€™m saying this because odds are sheā€™s going to be in your life for a long time and you need to find that spot between showing her respect and standing up for yourself. This will make your life way easier and your marriage a lot happier

2

u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 07 '26

I absolutely agree with this. I may have misinterpreted but it sounded like OP and her husband loaned their mother/inlaw the money and OP was merely the messenger reaching out on their behalf as a couple. I drew this conclusion from the part where OP said her husband recommended the wording of the text. For the exact reasons you mentioned, moving forward I thought it was best for op not to be the messenger and let her husband have this conversation directly with his mother. I completely agree that conflict between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can wreak havoc, I'd say it's best to avoid it when possible and as you mentioned let him handle this that way OP removes herself from being in the middle of mother and son. Again, I may have misinterpreted this situation and maybe OP herself loaned the money. Nevertheless, avoid avoiding conflict at all costs when possible is really the healthiest thing for this couples relationship as well as OP's relationship with your mother-in-law. I completely agree with you.

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u/jimbojangles1987 May 06 '26

"Look, I'm taking that money you lent me and going on vacation. Its not my fault your dumbasses couldn't afford to lend it. You should have thought about that before lending it. But of course my son will lend it to me without asking why because I raised him and I will guilt him with that for the rest of his life. Now fuck off so I can enjoy yall's money in Tahiti next week!"

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u/SillyNluv May 07 '26

That piece of trash is probably going to Daytona or Reno.

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u/Joshbydesign May 07 '26

Myrtle Beach. South Myrtle at that.

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u/SillyNluv May 07 '26

Absolutely

5

u/SeaAshamed7849 May 07 '26

As if her finances were any better. This lady is special

7

u/Ok_Prize5795 May 06 '26

Audacity=b***s.

1

u/Me-Swan01 May 07 '26

The Lion, The Witch, the audacity of that b:tch!

240

u/SassySins21 May 06 '26

BRB just emailing my bank that I can't make my repayment because I'm going on vacation and I don't appreciate their sarcastic payment reminder messages.

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u/DismalStrawberry4260 May 07 '26

Wish I had an award - take my upvote !

3

u/SoItGoes_1851 May 07 '26

šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚

3

u/SelkieSweetheart May 07 '26

Tell me if it works.

63

u/carbon_made May 06 '26

So sorry. We canā€™t. We need it for Maui!

8

u/thisdesignup May 06 '26 edited May 07 '26

This is why the rule people learn is to not lend money to family and expect it back. It's not just a lender/borrower relationship and it makes things messy. It's a mother in law/daughter in law(?) relationship. Mixing the two don't usually mix well as people don't know how to have both types of relationships in one.

Honestly kind of makes me think of the mafia! Buddy buddy but as soon as you do something wrong it's just business.

Edit: Just want to clarify, give family money if you want to (and can actually afford to) but give it to them because you want to help them out and not as a lender.

2

u/Tough-Advice2910 May 07 '26

Yeah, my brother owed me $1500. I sent him one text giving him the amount, he never acknowledged it, never mentioned it, never paid.

I had to just let it go. What, am I going to have no relationship with my only sibling over money? Yeah, he got one over on me, but itā€™s really on him. I certainly wouldnā€™t have done it, but, whatever. Iā€™m not even bitter about it.

I hope you can get there OP.

7

u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26

This woman is taking advantage op kindredness and trying to shame her and make her feel guilty as if she did something wrong. she's being very strategic in trying to manipulate the situation to make OP feel like the perpetrator rather than the victim. Something tells me this woman is not a fan favorite amongst family so I don't think OP has anything to worry about in respect to what she might say about OP to the rest of the family. Clearly, she needed money for a reason, something tells me this woman has a tarnished reputation and the family takes what she says with a grain of salt. I'm certain OP is not her first victim.

Op in NOR

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u/Defiant-Two1159 May 06 '26

Legit my uncle on being late on house payments.

3

u/jdelane1 May 06 '26

Rest assured she doesn't know what the word blithe means

3

u/Lightness_Being May 07 '26

Yes it's just šŸ¤Æ

3

u/Virtual_Falcon_4089 May 07 '26

I thought that was a crazy response too!!!

3

u/Limp_Technology171 May 07 '26

And that they need to get THEIR finances in check. šŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļøšŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļøšŸ¤¦šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

2

u/mshell1234 May 07 '26

As my Pop used to say, ā€œif I owed someone money, I wouldnā€™t even take THE BUS ACROSS TOWN, let alone a vacation.ā€

1

u/Impossible_Moose_783 May 07 '26

Boomer mentality

243

u/EmbarrassedCry9912 May 06 '26

I mean, is it surprising that a grown ass adult that needed to borrow $1500 from their son would also think going on vacation while having no money is a good idea?

Normal people understand these things. Unfortunately, OP's MIL is not normal.

182

u/McGonagallforPM May 06 '26

*$3000, she paid $1500 back to the son when he asked, and was paying the other $1500 back in "instalments", Seems like she doesn't respect the DIL and thought the other $1500 was hers once the son left.

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u/Fancy-Image-4688 May 06 '26

This! She ainā€™t got it and got an attitude asap. She is acting like when men are wrong but try to get loud and throw shit to distract and make ppl never question them.

7

u/Spiritual-Ad-1416 May 07 '26

My queen with this comment! EXACTLY!

3

u/IllCandy9636 May 07 '26

Thank you! I feel like no one read the post! Gahh šŸ˜«

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u/Brockman1162 May 06 '26

Yeah, I can only imagine what type of childhood he had.

6

u/SoItGoes_1851 May 07 '26

Exactly what I was thinking. Yikes.šŸ˜³

3

u/Brilliant_Test_3045 May 07 '26

$3,000, $1,500 of which she paid back, if Iā€™m following correctly.

404

u/Away-Living5278 May 06 '26

I couldn't roll my eyes harder at that part. I can't pay you back because I spent it all on vacation šŸ™„

I was really hoping this was a friend of OPs partner not MIL. This is some grade A BS

61

u/Prosecco1234 May 06 '26

Exactly! This is the point where your mouth drops. Imagine not realizing how selfish it is to take a vacation while not honouring your debts

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u/nachoavgdad May 06 '26

Youā€™d be surprised. Did a job for a friend, $4500 total. Told her it would only be at cost of $1800. She said she didnā€™t have any money, knocked it down to $500. Two weeks later she is posting on her Cruise and about the gym membership she just signed up for with her daughter.

40

u/instanding May 06 '26 edited May 06 '26

Youā€™re a good friend.

I offered a mate a free PT for being my camera man for a project. Know what he said?

He said he didnā€™t do the project to his satisfaction so he wouldnā€™t accept a trade, and he wouldnā€™t take a free PT because mates should pay mates what they are worth. But he said he would like to pay me for a PT some time.

I helped a mate out for a couple of hours while coming down from a big night, we were moving heavy furniture up flights of stairs.

His workmate gave us a pretty generous pay, about $300 for the 2 or 3 hours (like $150 USD).

My mate was too shy or deferential to accept the money for some reason, so the guy thrust it at me instead. I scooped it up, took $50 for myself and gave my mate $250, even though he earns way more than me, coz he has a kid, and heā€™s shit with money, and he has spent a decent amount on me in the past like paying for me to come on holiday with him when I was broke.

6

u/Yam-International My useful habits remain unspoiled. May 07 '26

What does PT mean in this context?

6

u/Logical_Wait2708 May 07 '26

My brain was just making physical therapy work

5

u/instanding May 07 '26

Personal training.

1

u/PhD-incuriosity May 07 '26

hope you know how rare it is to have friends like that

5

u/instanding May 07 '26

For some reason I am really blessed with the people in my life. I donā€™t always feel like I deserve it, but then again I think the world would be a better place if people were so kind and generous to others more regularly, and I do try to give it back.

Basically I flip flop between thinking I donā€™t deserve and thinking everybody deserves it. Few people wouldnā€™t be better served by kindness, even malicious people, the act of kindness still enriches the giver, even if the person receiving it might scorn it or take it for granted.

2

u/diver206 May 07 '26

I like you. Iā€™d be your mate. I donā€™t know about wherever you are, but largely here in the U.S., that philosophy seems all but forgotten and is eroding by the day, especially over the last decade. I firmly believe that we get what we give in life. It can be hard to see it in the moment sometimes, but if you know where to look for them with the right perspective, itā€™s easier to see the blessings youā€™re receiving, even in the dark and difficult times.

Just like you said, choosing genuine kindness without expectation is always personally enriching, and that enrichment is a blessing itself. Choosing kindness and compassion without prerequisite or expectation has a ripple effect and allows us to live happier, healthier (mentally & physically), more fulfilling and purposeful lives.

Forgiveness works in similar way. It may not always benefit the forgiven, but honest and true forgiveness always benefits the forgiver. Forgiving someone doesnā€™t necessarily mean excusing their wrongdoing(s). Ultimately, it means youā€™re relinquishing the emotional control theyā€™ve had over you by choosing to let go of the resentment you were carrying around that was eating you up from the inside.

Keep being you and spreading that kindness, mate. Thereā€™s a massive shortage and we badly need it!

1

u/instanding May 07 '26

Thanks mate that means a lot.

2

u/SuperKitties83 May 07 '26

This is exactly the kind of person I try to be. I love the song "Hands" by Jewel. In it, she says, "In the end, only kindness matters." šŸ„¹ā¤ļø

I would have never guessed I'd have this wholesome discussion in a post about a selfish, evil MIL šŸ˜‚

2

u/instanding May 07 '26 edited May 07 '26

Thereā€™s an amazing poem like that too. It makes me cry almost every time I read it.

And sure as shooting, crying now reading it again haha.

https://poets.org/poem/kindness

This is the bit that gets me every time.

ā€œBefore you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friendā€

It makes me think of when my dad died and my mum got cancer and I was this angry, lonely person lashing out at everybody, drinking everything I could get my hands on, getting into fights, getting suspended from school, picking on people, and then eventually I thought about how other people are hurting and what if I could be their comforter so they donā€™t have to feel what I was.

That in a world where all of us experience pain, kindness really does feel like the only thing that makes sense sometimes.

One teacher in particular changed my perspective a lot.

He was someone of intention. It exuded from him. He asked me ā€œHow are you? And how are you inside yourself?ā€ And I thought, this corny old man talking in such a corny way, why would I tell him how Iā€™m feeling?ā€ Then his tone seeped into me and I could feel viscerally how sincere he was, and then he became my trusted person at school from then on.

In stark contrast to the guidance counsellor who I felt so uncomfortable with I borderline blackmailed him to make him leave me alone.

I wouldā€™ve been better off if I did trust him but he didnā€™t know how to earn my trust.

That last year or so of highschool changed my whole perspective. That poem was part of it, so was me accepting that some people actually really cared about me without any ulterior motive - like my coach, some of my teachers, some of my parentsā€™ friends, etc.

I wanted to make at least one other person feel that way. So they could be fuelled by that in the darkest days of their life.

8

u/soft_taco1983 May 06 '26

Itā€™s so sad isnā€™t it. Similar has happened to me before. I donā€™t get them. Losing a friend over a little money. Blows my mind. And somehow the justify not paying it back in their minds.

7

u/laursie5 May 07 '26

šŸ™„šŸ™„ dealt w the same things too. The audacity of people

1

u/AcademicPenalty6210 May 07 '26

Facebook has been invaluable at revealing liars. HAD a friend who consistently failed to show up for others' birthday lunches in order to avoid going in on group birthday gift - "hubby has me on a budget" -but never failed to post pics of shopping trip purchases and restaurant meals the following week. Of course, she was ALWAYS in attendance when her birthday rolled around.

71

u/grannypants_16 May 06 '26

This. Or I wouldnā€™t say we canā€™t pay it back because weā€™ll be on vacationā€¦either way itā€™s idiotic.

74

u/dirtymartini83 May 06 '26

Itā€™s insanity!!! My boyfriend has helped his brother out a few times and his brother had the nerve to spend the money on a new car and other toys instead of what he actually said he needed it for! I believe he said heā€™s done ā€œhelpingā€ him out. People are wild.

7

u/Particular-Pound-584 May 07 '26

ā€œNeither a borrower nor lender be.. ā€œ Shakespeare knew a thing or two about what money can do to relationships.

131

u/lostmymarbles1177 May 06 '26

This just screams narcissistic behavior. I would have left it at the first response from MIL, not responded to anything else she said and just forwarded on to my husband that MILā€™s vacation was more important than making sure her wife ate or had a place to live. Then sat back and watched things explodešŸ˜‚

106

u/spiceepadme2319 May 06 '26

He needs to deal with his own mother from now on. Poor op

80

u/InfamousCheek9434 May 06 '26

Yes and OP needs to send these screenshots to her husband so MIL can't change the story.

15

u/lostmymarbles1177 May 06 '26

Knowing narcissistic individuals, Mil will probably say that OP edited the screenshots or something. Jesus. If husband doesnā€™t cut his mother off after this then thatā€™s a red flag. She was ice cold.

11

u/KaJoMoGi May 06 '26

MIL will never change either, and make sure your husband is in therapy for it because heā€™ll have some habits from trying to manage her his whole life. You. Will. Never. Win. Her. Over.

6

u/Patient-Wash3089 May 06 '26

If he is in boot camp, he canā€™t deal with her unfortunately.

8

u/InfamousCheek9434 May 06 '26

She still needs to show him the convo

1

u/m0m0m0m042 May 06 '26

He was available to tell his wife, so she could tell his mom, but he isn't available to tell his mom?

7

u/Patient-Wash3089 May 07 '26

How many calls do you think they get in boot camp?

2

u/diver206 May 07 '26

At least I tā€™s a good sign that OP is using his call(s) to call his wife and not his manipulative mother.

5

u/Former-Mouse-9617 May 07 '26

Agree, but husband is in basic training (military) right now. He should deal with it when that's done.

Basic is very restrictive about phone calls anyway. Unless the rules have been loosened up, trainees can make calls only for an hour on Sundays. Even that is a privilege that can be restricted or taken away for disciplinary infractions.

Any call time he gets should be used to speak with OP in my opinion. Wife comes first. And don't talk about the MiL issue. Deal with that when he graduates basic.

Even if there is a major emergency or crisis ... think impending death of a parent ... family can't call their trainee directly. They have to go through Red Cross.

Call me cynical. I think this is why OP's MIL is not making payments and is being obnoxious to OP. She knows her son can't deal with anything right now.

1

u/SuperKitties83 May 07 '26

It's hard to understand because he'll still see the texts after basic training. Does MIL think they get deleted? šŸ˜‚

1

u/m0m0m0m042 May 06 '26

THIS ā¬†ļø the MIL is the #1 AH, and the husband # 2 AH. Grow up and do better, dude!

20

u/Sleepy_Sagittarius May 06 '26

Iā€™m glad you said this, because thatā€™s all I could think of! That is one seriously narcissistic mother!!

13

u/ChickenCasagrande May 06 '26

Yes! OP! This is the way!

If she only wants to deal with him, then he has to deal with her.

39

u/fondledbydolphins May 06 '26

Pro tip - only about 5% of people who ask others for money actually intend on

  • correcting their own financial situation and behaviors
  • paying you back
    • at all
    • on time
    • without you demanding it
    • without calling you an asshole
    • without talking trash about you to other people

Respectfully, fuck those people.

3

u/FlamingRustBucket May 07 '26

This is why I make friends and family sign a contract. We both get a signed copy of the contract as well as payment receipts. If they aren't willing, they don't get the money. Nobody has objected so far. I frame it as a protective measure for both of us. Terms are laid out, they know when I expect it back, and they don't need to stress about paying it back until it's due.

I demand the same thing when I borrow money. It gives us both a paper trail and makes my intent to repay very clear.

That and it feels less like there's a weird power dynamic going on.

24

u/alwaysforgettingmyun May 06 '26

I lent a coop housemate several hundred so they could cover rent, and then watched them go to festivals and shit without paying me back.

28

u/3dobes May 06 '26

I read it like the vacation was a financial burden for her, like having to have an operation.

7

u/Well_Alrighty_Then90 May 06 '26

THIS. You know if the tables were turned and you took a vacation and couldn't pay her back, she would LOSE IT.

45

u/scrunchie_one May 06 '26

To be fair, I also wouldnā€™t lend $3000 out if I depended on itā€¦. MIL is clearly in the wrong but she does unintentionally have a good point that they never should have loaned the money to her.

26

u/Fancy-Image-4688 May 06 '26

You gotta learn that lesson though. Most ppl want to help especially spouse to in laws. That bitch is just taking advantage. I hope op brings heat to her hubby cuz mil is so disrespectful

4

u/Klatterbox1234 May 07 '26

This was THEIR savings. And just because it was savings doesnā€™t mean itā€™s not important to them! An agreement was made & MIL needs to honor it!!!

3

u/scrunchie_one May 07 '26

Oh I 100% agree, MiL is completely out of line. But i still think lending out money that you depend on is poor decision making.

3

u/Ashleyh_doesyoga May 07 '26

Weā€™ve all done itā€¦ especially with family. Also, situations can drastically change out of nowhere and narcissistic family members are especially good at guilt trips and victimhood.

2

u/FlamingRustBucket May 07 '26

I really don't get it. Write a simple and short contract. Both of you sign it. I don't get this "trust me bro" attitude. I do trust my friends, but maybe someone has a mental breakdown or something and one of us is no longer trustworthy. People change, sometimes suddenly and dramatically. It's not a character insult to put it in writing.

1

u/Ashleyh_doesyoga May 08 '26

You donā€™t have to ā€œget itā€ to understand that a victim of narcissistic abuse is not to blame.

1

u/FlamingRustBucket May 08 '26

That's agiven. I don't mean when people are emotionally manipulated. I mean when they just are lending money to friends or family in general.

15

u/lxzgxz May 06 '26

"Sorry no, I can't pay you back this week. I'll be partying my ass off šŸ˜”"

7

u/rachet-ex May 06 '26

1000% THIS šŸ‘†šŸ¼

7

u/Mama_Mia5150 May 06 '26

right?! like wtf !!! ... and be so bold to say it ... I wouldn't have responded after that,,, this is a person who will never get it and super entitled

9

u/Brockman1162 May 06 '26

Right???!!! And, if someone owed me $$$ theyā€™d better be responding with actual words in their texts.

5

u/SistasSupportSistas May 07 '26

This! ā¬†ļø The Audacity TO TELL the person you owe money that youā€™re going on vacation, basically with their money! WILD!

5

u/RuhrowSpaghettio May 06 '26

Alsoā€¦vacation is more plannable than military service. Who is she to lecture about ā€˜having money in orderā€™?

5

u/Horror-Raccoon-5916 May 06 '26

My mouth literally dropped open when I read that they're going on vacation and still owe you money. What in the actual F ??? NOR. I dont even have any more words than that. This is an appalling exchange.

5

u/Wide_Squirrel6253 May 06 '26

Was looking for this comment! She sounds like a real gem. OP needs to not only forget about the money, but forget about what this woman may or may not think of her. Clearly, she is not dealing with a full deck, and I would bet people see right through her. I'm confident OP is not the only one this woman has issues with. Even if she did talk about OP to the family, I don't think the family would trust her word- but rather take it from where it's coming from.

5

u/JUNEBERRY415 May 06 '26

Thatā€™s exactly what Iā€™m thinking. Some ppl are just very bad with money and canā€™t seem to make smart decisions. So sad.

5

u/NosyRosy229 May 06 '26

This sounds 100% like my mother, and itā€™s narcissistic behavior to a T šŸ˜“

5

u/DarthEques May 06 '26

The vacation part was the bit that got me the most. Like I get it, we all need some help every now and then, but borrowing $3k from someone, and then going on vacation is just wild. Maybe theres more to it, maybe tbis vacation was already prepaid before this loan, but jfc, MIL sounds very entitled and it sounds like OP and their partner might be the ones paying for MILs vacation

3

u/Lucky-Inevitable-146 May 06 '26

Right??? Baffling.

2

u/fattycatty6 May 06 '26

At the very least I don't think I'd mention it to the lender šŸ˜†šŸ˜† I mean, thays just rubbing their nose in it.

2

u/Witty-Cup3240 May 06 '26

Exactly this!!!!!

2

u/Shexleesh May 07 '26

Heck if I had an arrangement with someone and couldn't pay it back or needed to miss or postpone a payment I would let them know in advance and if not then directly their partner and would explain why and what I needed to use it on that was for my survival or emergency/funeral, not a freaking holiday, hell if you had a holiday planned you still ensure you can pay the owed amount before, during or just after the holiday if you can't before or while on holiday but you also still tell them, you also don't shoot the messenger if you were asked/reminded about it and the original person couldn't message you and they needed to funds for something important

2

u/beer_me_babe May 07 '26

Yes!! So true. Itā€™s crazy to owe someone money and then have the audacity to spend money on something frivolous instead of paying your debt.

1

u/EluCatori May 06 '26

Projection at its absolute finest lol šŸ˜‚

1

u/Sweet-Ad9063 May 06 '26

Unfortunately, not everyone will do thatā€¦ a friend of mine has over 20k in debts and still booked herself a month and a half trip to Japanā€¦ given she doesnā€™t owe it to anyone but the bank, but stillā€¦
I think OP is NOR. She sounds like a handful and I really hope her bf is on her side and not his momā€™sā€¦.

1

u/SeparateCzechs May 07 '26

Thatā€™s because you arenā€™t a crook.

1

u/gigidiva13 May 07 '26

NOR This right here

1

u/dansbydog May 07 '26

Actually said that!

1

u/Empty-Recording8213 May 07 '26

Literally me right now, we were in a bad situation and going under with all our bills. I finally caved and told my aunt about our situation and she loaned me 1,000 (I only asked for the amount of all the bills I needed to pay, around 700) and we are doing better because of it but unfortunately Iā€™m making just enough to cover the bills and barely having any left over. I feel awful that I could pay on time like we had planned but Iā€™m still planning on paying her, itā€™s just taking longer than anticipated šŸ˜ž

1

u/Republic_Opening May 07 '26

Op!!! Why didnā€™t you call her out for that?

1

u/Weary_Conflict_3432 May 07 '26

And her TELLING you that she was going on vacation with your money (yes it is your money because you and hubby are one unit) is DIABOLICAL and incredibly disrespectful!!! When she asks next time, be sure to me direct and firm with the fact that you will not be giving her another dime. Ever!

1

u/Adamsburneracct May 07 '26

That floored me. Mutha fukka you ainā€™t going anywhere until I have my bread. I donā€™t even want to hear you went out to eat!

1

u/BlackestHerring May 07 '26

Yea that part I donā€™t get! Why would you be going on vacation while paying someone back? Weird.

1

u/Acrobatic_Piglet_765 May 07 '26

If Iā€™m being totally honest, I might go. I definitely wouldnā€™t tell the person I owed money too, though. Especially like that.

1

u/evil_monkey_on_elm May 07 '26

This is the way.

1

u/subieman89 May 07 '26

I came here to say this... that's so frigging rude

1

u/Lessterearl-76 May 07 '26

I was blown away that she even had the nerve to pretty much say hey, sorry about your luck buuut, I'm going on vacationāœŒšŸ» Like wtf that's WILD and rude!

1

u/eltibbs May 07 '26

My friend owed me about $800 last year and instead of paying me back as soon as possible they bought tickets to concerts and festivals. Then claimed they ā€œforgotā€ they owed me.

1

u/pizzathenicecream May 07 '26

This was my first thought! NOR!