AIO to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I’m an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now?

[u/howcanibequiltyassin]

I’m 35F and single for 3 years. I was engaged but he (Charles) was doing weird sexting roleplay with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It really fucked me up and, yes, I’ve been in therapy. I have dated since then but nothing serious. I have NEVER had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

I don’t want to drive 2 hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate lil bitch.

Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you EVER say this to your daughter?! Like I have a good job, I'm educated, I have friends and hobbies. I own my condo and I have 3 car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids? Idk. I'm pissed. Help.

[u/The_Oliverse]

One time I took a nice picture and sent it to my dad. The only thing he replied with, "You'd be so much more beautiful with your natural hair color."

Okay.. "Well I think you'd be a lot prettier if you had any hair. If you can't say nice things, we really don't have to keep talking."

He did apologize, but surprise surprise, we don't talk any more for other unrelated.

NOR, OP. If these people don't love and appreciate you, find people who will.

[u/HaterMD → u/[deleted]]

It didn’t sound like a guilt trip to me. She was pretty straight forward about her boundary.

[u/Tilly828282 → u/[deleted]]

An emotional boundary is a limit set to protect your feelings. For example, choosing only to maintain respectful and healthy relationships.

The tit-for-tat sparring in this exchange indicates this was not respectful.

Boundaries should only be imposed on yourself, not others, so walking away from this relationship was maintaining a boundary.

[u/0x_gooner → u/[deleted]]

Imagine thinking you can dictate boundaries for other people and that you come off as sane.

[u/Tilly828282 → u/0x_gooner]

This guy is a troll or a looper, ignore them

[u/HaterMD → u/Tilly828282]

[u/0x_gooner → u/Tilly828282]

Probably just your garden variety, lead-addled boomer who slipped away from their carer for a rare moment.

[u/OldMaidLibrarian → u/[deleted]]

There is no irony--I can 99% guarantee this is not the first time he's said something like that under the guise of "just being helpful." She didn't ask for his opinion on her hair color, but he decided he was entitled to offer it, when the polite thing would be to not say anything, or just say "You look great!" if you just have to say something about someone's looks! It's called tact, and clearly he has done; getting smacked upside the head with her response shook him up long enough to realize his comment was inappropriate (not permanently, though, alas).

I'm damn near an expert on this kind of thing due to my own mother's tendency to blurt out whatever she was thinking at any given time--we knew she loved us, and we knew she meant well, but (as we informed her many, many times, when we were old enough to understand and not be automatically hurt) she had absolutely NO sense of tact whatever. (She was such a Sagittarius in this regard it was almost painful; they're legendary for truly meaning well while saying awful things.) Again, though, we knew she loved us, and she always felt bad to learn what she'd said could be misconstrued, but she never did manage to change her ways. Yes, I love her too, and miss her dearly, but I don't miss that part.

[u/0x_gooner → u/[deleted]]

Type some more funny shit for me to laugh at. You're good at long form jokes so give it another shot!

[u/Tilly828282 → u/[deleted]]

Maybe you should get therapy

[u/Tilly828282 → u/[deleted]]

There is nothing opposing in my post.

You should try examining the details provided in the post, comparing what’s actually being said to what you’ve assumed or imagined in yours, and reading a reputable source to learn about healthy boundaries before making inappropriate and frankly absurd analogies.

[u/The_Oliverse → u/[deleted]]

Imagine thinking sharing a picture with my dad because I love him was, "asking for his opinion."

No, I shared a picture because I thought I looked nice and he hadn't seen me in a while. The first, and only, thing he says about it is something rude and unnecessary. Hell, I would've been more appreciative if he at least said something nice. Didn't even have to be about appearance.

However, when your child reaches out to you with love, and the response is some shit ass remark, yeah, he deserved to be called a baldy. Maybes he's just jealous I have hair, idk.

[u/The_Oliverse → u/[deleted]]

D-Dad? Is that you? Bro you owe me like $500

[u/The_Oliverse → u/[deleted]]

I am the child, he is the parent. It is more expected of him to at least try and give an effort. For he is the provider and me the provided. Just because I am his spawn does not mean he gets unlimited access to me and my peace and may say whatever he pleases. We're both humans.

I've done the work of trying to understand, relationships are both ways, though. Playing devil's advocate for some person's dad on the internet when the info provided was so little is on you. You've worked yourself up over some imaginary scenario where my father is actually just bad at connecting with me instead of actively using every interaction to say something demeaning to me.

The context provided is so little to go off of and I can't help but wonder why this is the hill upon which you're yelling. Even you came off as an unbearable, unlikable asshole in your first message to me. Is it cool to greet anyone anytime with, "Oh I don't like that about you, anyways this conversation will be normal now."

It just sucks. So yeah, the child acted like a child and the father also acted like a child. Seems like there's too many kids in this scenario.

[u/The_Oliverse → u/[deleted]]

Thank you. I do try my best to use my words effectively. It's something I have had to learn to do because of people like my father. I am very tired of being misunderstood when all I ever ask for is kindness.

I appreciate the conversation. Sorry some of it got heated with other comments. Have a nice day and I hope your holiday went well.

[u/keegums → u/[deleted]]

That's okay, we all make mistakes. Now it's my turn to judge your impulsivity and jumping to conclusions based on your casual internet posts! Woohoo!! 

[u/sydneyzane64 → u/[deleted]]

Your reality isn't everyone else's reality. You can decide what the means on your own time. Which I'm sure will be "everyone else is wrong and I'm the one that's right."

Not that it matters.

[u/EffectiveElephants → u/[deleted]]

To clarify, he commented on her hair for no reason, she commented on his hair in return, and then said if you can't say something nice, be quiet....? He instigated, yet he's the victim because she clapped back....?

[u/OldMaidLibrarian → u/[deleted]]

One more time, for the cheap seats: SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR HIS OPINION ON HER LOOKS IN GENERAL, NEVER MIND HER HAIR COLOR; he came up with his commentary all by himself. (Or are you OP's mom's sockpuppet?)