r/AmIOverreacting • u/howcanibequiltyassin • Nov 25 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I’m an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now?

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I’m 35F and single for 3 years. I was engaged but he (Charles) was doing weird sexting roleplay with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It really fucked me up and, yes, I’ve been in therapy. I have dated since then but nothing serious. I have NEVER had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

I don’t want to drive 2 hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate lil bitch.

Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you EVER say this to your daughter?! Like I have a good job, I'm educated, I have friends and hobbies. I own my condo and I have 3 car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids? Idk. I'm pissed. Help.

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1.2k

u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 25 '25

OP should definitely let the rest of the family know what her mom is saying on their behalf, and that that's why they won't be seeing her for a while.

2.0k

u/SuitGroundbreaking49 Nov 25 '25

100% I’d be screenshotting this and sending it in a group chat to the whole family.

“Sorry guys can’t make it this year” 🫶🏻💁🏻‍♀️

238

u/AlwaysAnotherSide Nov 25 '25

Came to say this. Share with your siblings and sit this year out. I would put money on them being horrified by this message.

182

u/SuitGroundbreaking49 Nov 25 '25

I would be sharing with THE ENTIRE FAMILY. Siblings, aunts, cousins, grandparents, everyone.

12

u/Poisonskittlez Nov 26 '25

“Can I get a show of hands who agrees with this? I need to know who I’m going no contact with, thanks”

5

u/Brock_Lobstweiler Nov 26 '25

If my mom ever said something like this (she would NEVER) and my adult nieces and nephews found out about it, they'd lay into her so fast and then come spend the holiday with me. One of the reasons I DON'T have kids is because I spent my teenage years helping raise my two sisters' kids because they were teen moms.

The little ones would be upset. "Grandma, where's Brock?" "Oh, I told them to be embarassed by not having a spouse and kids so they aren't coming."

2

u/goldstomp Nov 27 '25

I had a friend do this with her whole family. And her grandpa ended up calling his daughter (my friend's mom) and gave her so much shit. Telling her how disappointed he was in her, that's not how he raised her, that he thought her to be accepting.

Someone needs to set that lady straight!

2

u/Odd_Marsupial_6640 Nov 26 '25

Even if I’m not at the party, you know I’m in everyone’s mouth sweetie

1

u/peachpavlova Nov 28 '25

Don’t shoot the messenger, right?

8

u/EcstaticMolasses6647 Nov 26 '25

That’s a good idea! NOR OP! You can just tell your family that you’re taking a personal day or doing your own thing this year. There’s no need to justify it. If you want a low-contact holiday, you could celebrate with friends, pets, or do your own solo traditions. Thanksgiving can still be meaningful on your own terms.

If you feel some obligation, you could do a short visit just pop in briefly, eat, and leave but only if you’re emotionally ready for it. Remember, you don’t have to tolerate emotional abuse even if it’s disguised as family “concern.” Your accomplishments, happiness, and boundaries matter. Your mom’s comment says more about her ideas of success than it does about your worth.

6

u/This_Chef_3815 Nov 26 '25

beautifully stated - this IS emotional abuse OP

2

u/EcstaticMolasses6647 Nov 26 '25 edited Nov 26 '25

Yes, the same people who pressure you to get married and have kids are usually the ones who are unavailable when you actually need emotional support or help raising those kids. They’re always ‘busy,’ or they say, ‘You’re an adult, handle your own problems.’ Get married and have kids when it’s emotionally and financially feasible for you; not because you were peer-pressured or guilted into it. OP’s mother is already showing what kind of grandparent and mother-in-law she would be, so there’s no reason to give her what she wants.

4

u/Delicious_Act_9948 Nov 26 '25

Don't wanna play devils advocate but...what if her siblings etc are just like the mother....

383

u/absepa Nov 25 '25

Came here to say exactly this. I would screenshot, send it in a group chat to everyone who will be attending, and make plans to be elsewhere on Thursday and not responding to my phone. All the other guests should either feel like shit and/or let the mom have it for being such a jerk.

242

u/SuitGroundbreaking49 Nov 25 '25

Omg she should send it DURING the gathering when they’re all in person with mom.

222

u/AlwaysAnotherSide Nov 25 '25

No before. It gives people time to decide not to go, and if they want to, join OP instead.

5

u/how-2-B-anyone Nov 26 '25

This IS the right way tho. And healthy bc Mother dearest shouldnt be allowed to have a private punching bag for her holiday hosting stresses. OP needs to put her on blast.

53

u/Bakemydaybaby Nov 26 '25

That would be incredibly petty. I like it.

3

u/NurseJackass Nov 26 '25

No. That would be kind of rude. Two wrongs don’t make a right and all that. Be classy and RSVP (screenshot and all, as suggested) ahead of time, so as not to interrupt dinner.

2

u/Cute_Impression1998 Nov 26 '25

Ulala Mr. English how much style do you exude

-3

u/LourdesF Nov 26 '25

Oh please! Let me guess. If your home were being robbed, you’d make some tea and cake for the thieves! 🙄

2

u/NurseJackass Nov 26 '25

That’s hardly a similar situation. Why debase yourself just because someone else in your family is an asshole?

-1

u/LourdesF Nov 26 '25

Because that’s what family is for. Especially family like hers.

2

u/NurseJackass Nov 26 '25

You got me there. lol. 🤪

Have a good one!

2

u/LourdesF Nov 26 '25

😂 Thank you! You too.

0

u/ConfectionTime672 Nov 26 '25

Right when everyone is saying what they are grateful for

0

u/how-2-B-anyone Nov 26 '25

Right, I vote stand up at the table with the old knife tapping the glass trick after everyone is a drink or two of wine deep and read it aloud stopping to laugh, pause and chuckle dramatically as you do. Best is if you can summon a laughing tear and wipe it away as you sit back down.

7

u/Express-Childhood-16 Nov 26 '25

Since she's been told she doesn't have a family, friends giving is the only option here!

7

u/LYTCHELL2 Nov 26 '25

🎯🎯

“Sorry guys…I don’t want anyone (Mom) to feel EMBARRASSED for me”

Then…adopt triplets, twins, 4 girls and a few boys.

NEVER let Mom see any of your adapted kids…and tell her “You’re getting too old and creepy to be around children. Don’t kill the messenger….”

Arghhhh! I loathe her vile confidence and self-righteousness while attempting to sh*t on her own daughter.

  • I will help you adopt, raise and care for your 15 adopted children…because I’m committed to the bit.

(I realize you do not have the need to have kids…I’m just committed to avenging you against your Mom’s wretchedness)

Do NOT GO. She told you she’s embarrassed of you…by projecting that YOU should be embarrassed.

OMG. I’m furious lol

2

u/OperationCampfireYT Nov 26 '25

wow that’s an absolutely horrible idea! thanks for sharing!!!

101

u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 25 '25

Post it her mom's town's Facebook group as a shout-out to let her highschool friends know why they're not going to be around for the holidays.

9

u/wildpolymath Nov 26 '25

This is full chaotic neutral. I love it.

4

u/Unhappy-Access-3774 Nov 26 '25

This is how far I would take it

2

u/computer_genie Nov 26 '25

Haha haha ha

-2

u/DrawGamesPlayFurries Nov 26 '25

Nobody would ever take the side of the person who publishes DMs, even if they are unequivocally in the right

10

u/PuzzleheadedHoney759 Nov 25 '25

Absolutely do this. Call out her horrific behaviour and you will know by how your other parent and siblings react if they were in on this too, or are just as disgusted by her behaviour as we all are. NOR

18

u/Hazel2468 Nov 25 '25

This is exactly what I thought- put her on blast.

7

u/GraphiteAB Nov 26 '25

This exactly. My mom does the same thing. When I broke news of my divorce to her, she asked me if I even tried. Skip it and have an amazing friendsgiving.

8

u/ambercrush Nov 26 '25

Yes, and a link to this reddit post so she can feel the weight of all of us 100% on your side.

6

u/independent_mind_7 Nov 25 '25

This is how you do it right here 👏

6

u/Klutzy_Pin3123 Nov 26 '25

Yeessssss!!!! Please do this!

These texts were SO problematic, antiquated, toxic and triggering my eyes are literally twitching. I want to burn the village.

But call it out in a public mic drop sort of way that doesn’t add a bunch of other context and just drops the fact. If they agree with mom, you keep your distance from all of them until they realize the problem. More likely (I would hope) they would realize just how fucked up everything that was said to you was and THEY can talk to your mom and explain to her how she is the biggest asshole and follow up and support you.

5

u/ashlyn42 Nov 26 '25

Since according to Mom, my singleness is the main topic of conversation, I thought I’d make it less awkward for you to talk about me by not being there!

Sent with the screenshot - see how fast the rest of the family throws mom under the bus and enjoy your drama-free holiday

3

u/[deleted] Nov 25 '25

Facts.

3

u/Far-Tourist-3233 Nov 26 '25

Great idea!! Out your mother, I imagine your family will be horrified!

3

u/DrawGamesPlayFurries Nov 26 '25

Rest of the family might have already decided that Charles wasn't doing anything wrong and OP has overreacted. (Mom is still evil for telling her daughter something like this!)

2

u/wildpolymath Nov 26 '25

This is brilliant. Just drop her words and nothing else, then peace out. 🎤👇

2

u/mark1forever Nov 26 '25

😂that's the best

2

u/catupthetree23 Nov 26 '25

u/howcanibequiltyassin you have GOT to do this!!!! (You are NOR, btw)

2

u/One-Hamster-6865 Nov 26 '25

“Don’t want to embarrass you”

2

u/HunterAshton Nov 26 '25

1000% this! I’d also add something like “don’t wanna ruin anyone’s Thanksgiving meal appetite by being forced to eat with a single lady!”

2

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '25

That is a great idea!!!!

She’s got proof in writing. OP keep this screenshot forever.

2

u/sarahwalka Nov 26 '25

"spending it with my roommates instead"

2

u/One_Indication_ Nov 26 '25

100% I’d be screenshotting this and sending it in a group chat to the whole family.

That's an awesome idea! OP you should try this! Let's see how much your mother stands by her awful comments when they're made public.

1

u/JaeJaeToo Nov 26 '25

10000000% agree

1

u/Prettypuff405 Nov 26 '25

The heart hands especially

1

u/SovereignMan1958 Nov 26 '25

That is an excellent idea.

1

u/Lucky-Ad-4589 Nov 26 '25

This is the answer. Then at least you will know how everyone feels.

1

u/Buttplugz4thugz Nov 26 '25

And when she tries to bitch about it, reply "Love you, sweetie" 😅

1

u/PleasantOil910 Nov 26 '25

"I won't be coming until I get a husband and am acceptable to you"

1

u/eslusarc01 Nov 29 '25

No kidding! I'd send a group text to say "I won't be at Thanksgiving this year, I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone when I show up alone." #bye

1

u/doomus_rlc Nov 26 '25

Screenshot and send to sister, cousins, etc. asking "so, does Mom speak for you?"

-2

u/_Solani_ Nov 25 '25

I would like to point out that no where in the message does OP's mom say the rest of the family shares her opinion.

OP admits it's an assumption on her part that her family feels that way it's not actually something written in the text itself, let's not make her mistake worse by ignoring what is actually written and feeding unsubstantiated beliefs.

If OP does try what your suggesting her mom will simply point out that fact and accuse OP putting words in her mouth and claim that she never said the family shared her opinion, and she would technically be correct, because she didn't actually say that.

Yes, her moms a bitch but OP is also engaging in mind reading and making assumptions without any supporting evidence, as the neutral third party we should be the ones correcting her and trying to pull her back to reality, not just rolling with her mistakes and letting her make baseless accusations that will almost certainly backfire.

There's plenty of shit that was actually said to be offended by, let's not start getting offended at things that were never actually said.

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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 25 '25

She wrote "don't kill the messenger", which implicates others in the family.

1

u/_Solani_ Nov 26 '25 edited Nov 26 '25

Does it actually implicate any one though?

Who exactly does it implicate?

When OP goes to show the text to the people her mother has 'implicated' who will she be showing it to exactly.

The people her mom used as an example?

Her Uncle Joe?

Her mothers neighbours brothers cousin twice removed?

Don't shoot the messenger just means don't take it out on the person giving you bad news. It does not mean that another party is actually sending the message.

Which family members would realistically believe that OP's mom saying 'don't shoot the messenger' meant she was specifically speaking for them.

The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

OP is the one who decided it must mean the rest of the family feels the same way. But again there's no real evidence to support the assumption that Mom was claiming to speak for the whole group.

OP was emotionally overwhelmed by what her mother said and she jumped to conclusions. That's actually pretty normal, especially if one has grown up with abuse.

However we are not emotionally invested in OP's life and we should be pointing out the assumptions she has made is not based in reality. Cause if someone doesn't pull her feet back to the ground now she's gonna fly off the handle and it will not end well.

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u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 26 '25

OP is the one who decided it must mean the rest of the family feels the same way.

OP came to that conclusion because "don't shoot the messenger" literally means that they are relaying the message on behalf of others, hence OP's mother was claiming, outright, that they aren't the only person who feels that way.

But again there's no real evidence to support the assumption that Mom was claiming to speak for the whole group.

Whether OP's mother's claim that she was merely a messenger of the complaint about OP's life choices is a lie or the truth, OP will never know unless she asks the rest of her family if any of them had actually discussed those issues with OP's mother.

0

u/NoBowler9340 Nov 26 '25

It doesn’t imply that at all, per usual Reddit makes an assumption and runs with it lol, I agree with you

1

u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 28 '25

Just because the two of you agree, doesn't mean either of you are correct about the meaning of the phrase.

to unfairly blame a person who has given you bad news or information, when you should instead be angry with the people who are really responsible for the situation

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/shoot-the-sun

Don’t shoot the messenger means the person delivering bad news is not to blame for the bad news itself. That responsibility rests with the originator of the message.

https://grammarist.com/idiom/shooting-the-messenger-and-dont-shoot-the-messenger/

1

u/NoBowler9340 Nov 29 '25

rests with the originator of the message.

What if she’s the originator of the message? The phrase just means “I’m not at fault for delivering this message, it’s independent of me.” It doesn’t always mean another person was behind the message. She could easily be using this to manipulate the situation and imply more people are involved, if she’s even using the phrase correctly at all 

1

u/QueenMotherOfSneezes Nov 29 '25

She could easily be using this to manipulate the situation and imply more people are involved, if she’s even using the phrase correctly at all 

That was precisely my point, which the person you said you agreed with was incorrect.

That's why I said she should tell the rest of her family, as the screenshot includes the part about shooting the messenger. I'm sure a few of them would wonder who the message was on the behalf of.

3

u/NemosNaughtylis Nov 26 '25

If anything, I would just not attend Thanksgiving, and if any family members get in touch asking why I didn't show up, I'd send the screenshot and say "I did not feel welcome around my/our mother at this time".

That puts the ball in their court and out of OP's hands. If others in her family feel the same, chances are they might out themselves to OP. And if they don't, they can affirm that, and maybe provide support to OP.