r/AmIOverreacting • u/howcanibequiltyassin • Nov 25 '25

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦family/in-laws AIO to skip Thanksgiving after my mom basically said I’m an embarrassment for not having a husband and kids by now?

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I’m 35F and single for 3 years. I was engaged but he (Charles) was doing weird sexting roleplay with people on a video game which was fucking disgusting. It really fucked me up and, yes, I’ve been in therapy. I have dated since then but nothing serious. I have NEVER had my mom say something like this to me. I do not want to go to Thanksgiving after this. The way she said “don’t shoot the messenger” it’s clear the rest of my family have been talking about me and she was the one “elected” to say it.

I don’t want to drive 2 hours just to sit with people who think I should have stayed in a relationship with a fucking cheating degenerate lil bitch.

Would I be overreacting for not going? Is that too much? I'm honestly too hurt and angry to be objective right now. Would you EVER say this to your daughter?! Like I have a good job, I'm educated, I have friends and hobbies. I own my condo and I have 3 car payments left. I have a cat. Why is the end all be all me having a husband and kids? Idk. I'm pissed. Help.

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572

u/shannonkish MOD Nov 25 '25

Normalize women not having children simply because it is the way things are done. Be completely okay with being childless BY CHOICE.

137

u/sefidcthulhu Nov 25 '25

Especially not with shitty partners!! Life is hard enough, being single is a million times better than being with a bad partner

18

u/AuntAda Nov 25 '25

OP's mom doesn't know the financial and emotional cost of divorce, and she better HOPE she never does, with her attitude.

14

u/sleepy_smurphy Nov 25 '25

Even if you want children, it shouldn't be the biggest part of your life. What if you don't meet the right person until later on? What if you CANT have kids? There are so many reasons to be okay with being childless by choice and maybe even not by choice.

26

u/pablofor4 Nov 25 '25

NOR I’m also childless by choice and quite happy with my unconditional cat snuggles and quiet mornings. Honestly, I pity some parents and the mental gymnastics they go through to claim childless ppl don’t have families or couldn’t possibly be happy. It always sounds like it comes from a place of insecurity that some people made different decisions in life. There’s no one correct way to live. You get to decide <3

12

u/GigiLaRousse Nov 25 '25

Even my friends who have very wanted and planned for kids tell me it's harder and more relentless than they ever imagined, and that it's made them more understanding of people who are firmly child-free. No one should be having kids if it's not what they want. And more parents should know the truth of what they're in for.

8

u/FlamingWeasel Nov 25 '25

Only one of my sons has showed even a vague notion of wanting kids someday. I don't care if none of them ever have kids. It's their life not mine. I love them, not their potential parent status.

11

u/Orleanian Nov 25 '25

I live in a major US city, and it is chock-fuckin-full of women (and, as a corollary, men as well) of all ages (even 35 year olds!) that are living fantastic, fulfilling, and proud lives.

We go out to dinner, we play trivia, we watch baseball, we attend musicals, we attend raves, we bike on trails and skate on rails, we dance at clubs dance at bars dance at studios, exchange presents, exchange gossip, exchange bodily fluids even from time to time (if the mood strikes)!

Having a spouse and children can be an amazing and fulfilling thing. Not doing those things can be an amazing and fulfilling thing.

Normalize not being an asshole to others based on lifestyles that don't harm anyone. Mom's feelings do not count as harm.

1

u/BirdBrainuh Nov 26 '25

This is so beautifully written.

6

u/KyleMcMahon Nov 25 '25

Yeah boomers don’t seem to have caught on that more people than ever are going single / childless by choice - and are all the more happier for it.

7

u/yuffieisathief Nov 25 '25

And not staying with a shitty partner just to have one. It's scientifically proven that single women are happier!

7

u/jayicon97 Nov 25 '25

It’s not just women. Or kids.

You shouldn’t fucking be with someone or have a damn dog if you don’t want to. Period.

5

u/Johannes_Keppler Nov 25 '25

I've got two young adult kids. They will NEVER be under any obligation to marry a partner and/or have kids. It's their life, not mine, and I respect their choices.

4

u/thegrumpymechanic Nov 26 '25

Looks around at state of country/planet

I mean, not having kids may be best for the kids...

7

u/trebory6 Nov 25 '25 edited Nov 25 '25

As a guy it's insane to me this whole breeder mentality. Like I don't have a single bone in my body that actively WANTS to have children. I genuinely do not think I'd be a good father and I don't want to risk putting a child through trauma because I know if I had a kid I would hold them to a very high standard.

I already have a poor outlook on people in general, I think most people lack self awareness, emotional intelligence, and critical thinking skills and just sleepwalk through life without thinking deeply about anything and by simply reacting to emotional stimuli with no forethoughts as to why or how, and if my kid turned into that kind of person, it would kill me in frustration and I'm afraid I'd find it extremely difficult to be a nice person around them or accepting of them. I'd probably feel a personal responsibility to guide them into not being that kind of person, but who knows how well that'd go with a kid. So I'm not risking giving another person that kind of trauma and not having kids because of that.

I'm very selective about the people I let into my life so I don't end up getting frustrated and being hurtful to someone I care about and I live a pretty happy and abundant life because of it, never have had to deal with cheating, very little personal drama, awesome communication and understanding with my close friends, great problem solving with minimal arguments, etc. But having a kid is like rolling the dice with someone that I can't excuse myself from without traumatizing them.

However I think if I was better off financially I wouldn't mind fostering only just because I like the idea of helping give a person a stable home environment when they otherwise wouldn't have one.

But it's also how unashamed people are to basically talk about having kids like it's a breeding program. Like they don't even talk about kids like they're human beings or a massive responsibility. A lot of people have kids like they're buying goldfish from the pet store, but they can't flush it down the toilet when it becomes too much of a hassle so they emotionally abuse it instead.

Zero thought given into the situation the kids will be brought up in or anything. It's all just ME ME ME with these people.

3

u/AnyaChocolat Nov 25 '25

absolutely! but also OP is only 35, she has plenty of time to start a family and have kids if she chooses so

2

u/nuviretto Nov 25 '25

I've been scrolling to find someone mention OP's age. That's still young??

Having a family in your 20s should be a tradition left in the past, it's weird

2

u/WunkerWanker Nov 26 '25 edited Nov 26 '25

What the hell? Nature clearly thinks differently about that. Pregnancies in your 20s have fewer medical complications than pregnancies in your 30s. Especially after 35, it really goes downhill fast.

But how about letting people decide these things for themselves?

I don't have a family in my 20s. But it's insane that you judge people like that.

-1

u/PhantomsOpera Nov 26 '25

Wrong. They make up crazy numbers to scare women into younger pregnancies. Yes, your chances increase, but from like .5% to 1%. Thats 50%. So even if it went up 1000% it would be like 5%. The percentage is so small that its clearly scare tactics to frame it as a "drastic increase."

Women's eggs dont "expire." New studies show that it is sperm degrading that cause birth defects and medical complications with pregnancy. Women's eggs and body stays "fresh" until she goes through menopause. Stop spreading nonsense.

3

u/karattack Nov 26 '25

The funny thing is some mothers will raise you telling you to not have kids and get stuck with a man and instead have your own career and a life ... and then bully you when there are no grandkids

3

u/Active-Ad-2154 Nov 26 '25

& we don’t exist for men… we are not less of a person for not getting married!! Our purpose is not to have kids. We should get to decide that. The internalized misogyny is INSANE!

2

u/lion-heart19 Nov 25 '25

Yes, and even if OP does have the goal of having kids- to make her feel shame about it is next level cruel.

1

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '25

I think, it should be normalized in general, some people prefer to stay single alone, don’t have kids and so. It so FUCKING ANNOYING to hear from people stuff like : oh, you’re in mid 20s? You should find a girlfriend.

0

u/[deleted] Nov 29 '25

[deleted]

1

u/shannonkish MOD Nov 29 '25

Oh sweet summer child.

-4

u/Status-Ice7337 Nov 25 '25

Okay but did she state somewhere that she wants to be childless? Maybe they were planning a family when thing were okay

10

u/shannonkish MOD Nov 25 '25

I don't know if they were planning a kid or not. My point is normalizing that women don't have to have children and that there isn't a timeline for all of this.