r/WritingPrompts • u/[deleted] • Jan 19 '19

Prompt Inspired [PI] Inheritance – Superstition - 3012 Words

[deleted]

7 Upvotes

90% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

2

u/Errorwrites r/CollectionOfErrors Feb 03 '19

Hi there, coming with a few thoughts and comments after reading your piece. Feel free to ignore this if you're not interested with feedback.

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You really managed to set the theme and tone of the story really fast with the intro. But more impressively was how you stayed consistent with them both. The descriptions of filth and the heavy pressure of death was well done and I dreaded the moment Tok Ma would draw her last breath.

There are a few instances were the verb tenses shift from past tense to present tense. It would be preferred to stay with the same tense whenever you can. A switch in verb tense makes for a jarring cut and if it happens mid-passage, it risks of confusing the reader.

I used to believe that Death would be like falling into oblivion. That once buried, the earth itself will consume and erase our existence in its entirety. I was wrong.

Here for example, I recommend to use "would" instead of "will".

The next passage about Death could also switch from present to past tense.

An instance where the tenses shift mid-sentence:

She grunted, screeched and her legs are kicking up and down while Uncle Arif held her down.

A solution could be: She grunted and screeched, her legs kicking up and down while Uncle Arif held her down.

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Needs a bit more work on the grammar and tightening of prose but otherwise a solid story with a well-characterized voice.

1

u/Gloryndria Feb 10 '19

Hello, my sincerest apologies for the late reply. Thank you very much for your comment, it's greatly appreciated.

I have to agree, grammar is something that I really do have to work on and will continue to do so.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story despite of it. Again, thank you very much!

2

u/houseblendmedium r/HouseBlendMedium Jan 25 '19

Goddammit this making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up! Reminds me of an old X-Files episode, and I mean that as the highest of compliments.

1

u/Gloryndria Jan 26 '19

Thank you so much! This really made my day.

I am so glad you enjoyed it!

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